Chapter 19 #2
But Isaac swears he hasn’t yet moved on and…
yeah. Five weeks in, and I’m still thinking about his kisses every time I put my toothbrush in my mouth.
Don’t get me started on the nipple piercing.
So here I am, flicking my wristband until it hurts and trying to ignore my jelly legs.
Sometimes, if you want something badly, you just have to dig deep and go for it.
Feel a feeling, touch a hand, lick a wall.
Nonetheless, the second I arrive at the bar, I want nothing more than to turn heel and bolt. The raised voices hit first, mingled with the all-pervading aroma of stale beer and stubbornness.
“We’ve had the drawings for four fucking months, Neil. You know something? Maybe if you’d actually bothered to look at them, then you wouldn’t be asking such facile questions now.”
Ezra paces in front of the bar, all long lanky strides and sharp turns, a black streak of restless energy. Leaning against the optics, still as stone, Neil watches him, arms folded and jaw set like concrete.
“What’s the rush, Ez? You want us to sign our lives away today? Now, this minute? Before happy hour? Scribble the contract on the back of a cardboard coaster? Not all of us have access to trust funds to dip into when the going gets tough.”
“That’s bollocks, Neil, and you know it. None of this bar happened because of Isaac’s money. He didn’t invest a penny of it. This is us, Neil. We took the risks together. And we can do more. We’ve scarcely talked of nothing else the past year. Why are you suddenly stalling on me now?”
“Why are you determined to double the size of our bank loan?”
Ezra makes a withering sound. “It’s called ambition, Neil. I had no idea you were so committed to underachieving. If that’s the case, then please don’t drag me down with you.”
“Fuck you, Ez.”
I clutch the box of Maltesers, feeling foolish and with a heart pumping ten beats to the dozen. Can I back away, pretend I never heard this? Text Neil later when he’s cooled down?
Too late. Ezra’s head jerks up. Perhaps the rush of cool air caught his attention. His face flickers with a kaleidoscope of emotions there—worry, frustration, confusion—that I have no hope of interpreting.
“S-so sorry,” I stutter, backing away. “The door was still open. I shouldn’t have…you’re closing. It’s clearly a bad time.”
“No, it’s fine, Luke. Come in, good to see you back and healthy.
” Ez thumbs towards Neil. “See if you can get any sense out of him. God knows I can’t.
I need to go, before I say something I might regret.
” Blowing out a breath, he turns back to Neil.
“I love you, mate, you know I do. But…come on. Help a guy out, can’t you?
You swear nothing’s wrong, but I’m floundering here. ”
I know the feeling.
“Good luck, Luke.” With a shake of his head and a pat on my shoulder, Ezra’s gone, the door slamming behind him.
For a few minutes, Neil doesn’t acknowledge me.
Instead, he picks up a bar towel and wipes at tables in tight, fast circles as if they’ve personally offended him.
I squeeze one of my beads, rolling it over and over between thumb and finger.
Hard. Round. Smooth. Should I throw him a quick wave and creep out again?
The air feels thick enough to choke on. I’ve only been up and not crying for a week.
I’m not ready to be thrown in at the deep end of Neil’s drama quite so soon.
“Neil,” I say when I can’t stand it any longer. This tension could go on until the evening punters start trickling in if one of us doesn’t break the seal soon. “I’ve come at a bad time. I think I should probably go and—”
Neil laughs, mirthlessly. “What, disappearing on me again, doc? So soon?”
“No, of course not. But just until you have perhaps calmed—“
Exhaustion marring his strong features, he throws me a cursory glance. A braver soul than me would walk over to him and give him a hug. God knows we’re both in need of one.
“How long will you be gone for this time? Or is it a need-to-know basis?”
“I was ill. You knew that. I’ve come here today to say sorry I left you to deal with things on your own.
I didn’t feel well enough to talk to you.
You wouldn’t have wanted me to, honestly—I haven’t told you everything about me.
But I want to. Look, I’ll text you later when you’ve settled down a bit. Maybe talked to Ez—"
“Some of us don’t run when things get ugly, Luke. Remember? We suck it up.” Harsh words tumbling from him, Neil’s hands twist around the bar towel.
I worry my wristband over and over, praying I’m not visibly shaking. Solid. Spherical. Worn.
I need to escape. I’m too weak for this. No surprises, never again. Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea?
“I’m sorry. I…I can’t argue with you today.” I stumble back towards the door. Panic humming under my skin, I fumble for the latch. I need out, I need out.
“Hey, Luke,” Neil calls after me. “You’re right about one thing: I don’t know the full story of what’s wrong with you. You wouldn’t tell me, and I didn’t push it. But I’d have stood by you, you know.” His voice cracks. “You disappeared, Luke. I at least deserve to know why. What did I do wrong?”
“It’s nothing you did. Honestly. I told you, I have issues. I’m sorry. I underplayed them because I didn’t want you to think I was useless and weak—I am, by the way. Seems like you’re finding out anyhow. That was survival, not rejection. I promise.”
“You could have called me. If only once. You could have filled me in on these health problems Isaac and Alaric are obviously special enough to know about, but apparently I’m not.
I had to rely on them to reassure me you were still fucking alive.
It’s not fair, Luke. I could have looked after you. I could have protected you.”
My stomach knots into a fist. I hope I don’t puke. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to support anyone. I can barely support myself. I’m no use to him, not really.
“I said I could have protected you, Luke!” he hollers, voice cracking again. “I wanted to, and you wouldn’t let me.”
My legs, my arms, every fibre of my being needs to turn and run.
And yet, somehow, I step forward. I want Neil to be happy.
He’s a good man, deserving of support and deserving of as much happiness as he can find.
The best I can do is persuade him to tell Ezra, Isaac, and Alaric about his eyes and then recede into the background.
They’ll flood him with love and practical advice.
He’ll stop falling out with Ezra. They’ll work together on the new venture. Neil will be fine.
“You’ve not been back to the eye liaison officer, have you?
” I state. “And you haven’t told Ezra about your eyes.
No wonder he’s wound up. Hiding behind drink, avoiding your friends, and avoiding the hospital’s assistance—how can you protect me, when you don’t protect yourself?
Why won’t you do any of the things available to help you, Neil? ”
If truth is a match, then I’ve just lit it. Shoulders stiffening, Neil stares across the room at me, liquid caramel eyes all flint and fire. He grips the tea cloth as if it’s the only thing holding him from launching at me in a fit of rage.
“Get out, you fucker. Just get out of my bar.”
Sick. Cold. Fear. “Don’t do this, Neil. Please, just…why can’t you do–”
“Please nothing. Just fuck off and don’t come back. Forget we ever knew each other.”