Chapter 9
Nine
Melissa
The stronger Tyler gets the more terrified I get of what happens when he's well.
I know it seems backward but when he's sick at least there's a routine, things I know to look out for. When he's well it feels like I don't know when the bad is going to happen and when it does it catches both of us off guard.
Still I would rather always be on edge if it meant that I can continue to see my little boy happy.
Light has been coming to the house every night for the past three days and in that time he and Tyler have become buddies. Something like a budding bromance that just squeezes at my heart. I don't remember a time when Tyler has laughed this much.
To make matters even better, I haven't been visited in the last three days by any of Deke's men.
It's almost as if they've given up. I don't want to get my hopes up but I'm praying that now that they know I have someone here with me, they've decided to back off.
It's a silly hope but it's all I'm holding on to right now.
The smart part of me knows that Light isn't going to be able to stay with me every night, and soon I'm going to be on my own again.
Right now we've got a smooth thing going, I make him dinner, the boys play video games or tells stories and then Light goes to sleep on the couch.
I try not to think about the fact that I spend half of the night in my room tossing and turning wishing that he was in there with me, or the fact that his gaze has become more and more heated over the past few days.
Both of us are adults, and we can keep our sexual desires to ourselves.
All in all, over the past few days, life seems to have let up a little on me. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time.
"Mom, come on." Tyler pops open the door of the cab and trudges angrily out into the parking lot.
I sigh and slide the fare to the cab driver before I follow Tyler. He's going to be in a pissy mood until we get out of here, but I guess it makes sense. I don't know many kids who like going to the doctor.
It's been more than a week since Tyler was taken off the respirator and is breathing well on his own.
Of course, we still have to do our twice daily routine, but besides that he seems to be fine.
Of course, our primary care doctor needs to make sure for himself.
Tyler understands that he's got a condition that needs to be checked up on frequently, but he still doesn't like going to the doctor.
"Tyler, hold up." I call out from behind him and jog a little to catch up.
He sighs and grumbles when I drape an arm around his shoulders.
"Think of it this way, the quicker we get in the quicker we get out. Dr. Matthews just wants to do a quick listen." I nod and Tyler shrugs his shoulders.
We walk into the doctor's office and it's a mad house. Nearly every chair in the waiting room is occupied by someone waiting to go see the doctor. Quickly, I dig into my bag and pull out the face mask for Tyler. The last thing we need is for him to pick up a bug.
Looking around the room, I find two seats in the corner and usher Tyler over to one before I go to the front desk to register him.
"Hey, Melissa how are you doing?" Lisa the receptionist smiles up at me. She doesn't even ask me for my identification any more. I've been here so many times we are on a first name basis.
"How are things going? How's mom?" I ask keeping up the small talk while she does what she has to do for me in the computer.
"Oh, you know Ma, she'll bitch and complain until she's in the grave. She is up and moving around again though."
"That's good! I'm happy to hear that." I nod my head.
"Yeah...real good." Lisa's voice gets lower and I see her face scrunch slightly in confusion. Whatever she's looking at on the screen must not be what she expected to see.
"Uhh... is everything okay?" I ask moving in a little closer. I hope she doesn't tell me that the appointment was cancelled. If Tyler knows he has to come back another day he's going to be upset.
"Yeah, I mean I think so." Lisa scratches the top of her hand before she stands from her seat. "Actually, my manager has to speak with you."
"Manager?"
"Yeah hold on." Lisa gives me a tight smile before she walks over to a small office that is just behind the reception area and pokes her head in.
Lisa comes back and tells me that I can go right in. This is definitely not the norm. I turn back and give Tyler one finger to let him know that I'll be right back before I quickly walk into the manager's office.
"Good morning, Ms. Little."
"Good morning." I say as I take a seat in front of the desk. "Is everything okay?" I ask, my anxiety already ramping up.
"Well, Ms. Little, it seems your account has been flagged in our system."
"Flagged for what?"
"For non-payment."
I blink a few times, that can't be correct. "What do you mean. I pay my co-pay at every visit. I've never missed a payment."
"Yes, you've paid your co-payments, but your insurance has a yearly limit that you've gone over. We've been sending bills to the address on file for a few months now, and none of them have been paid."
Bills? Over the limit?
My heart hammers in my chest. This can't be happening to us. Not again.
"What's the balance?" My voice is soft. I'm praying for a low number. Something that I can chip away at.
"Your balance is four thousand, two hundred...."
The words drown out before she is able to finish.
Four thousand dollars. I'll never be able to dig myself out of that hole.
I'm right back where I started. Desperate.
She continues talking, but I don't have anything to say in return.
I nod my head, take the paperwork that she gives me, and walk out to the waiting room to sit with Tyler.
When he asks me what's wrong, I do what most mothers do and tell him nothing.
The rest of the visit goes by without me fully paying attention. The doctor examines Tyler. They smile and chat. All the while, all I can think about is how much this visit is going to add to the bill.
By the time we get finished with the visit and we get into the cab, I've already mentally gone over the budget. The paltry money that I get from the stay at home job I work and the government assistance I get for Tyler is already gone. There's no extra.
The cab ride home is a blur.
Tyler chatters next to me about some new video game he wants to show Light, but his words barely register.
I nod and smile in the right places, but my mind is miles away, drowning in numbers and fear and a hopelessness so thick it feels like it is coating my skin.
When we finally pull up to the house, I force my body to move. One foot in front of the other, like a puppet with its strings tangled. I unlock the door, let Tyler barrel inside ahead of me, and murmur something about grabbing a snack if he is hungry.
I do not even know if he hears me.
I cannot do this.
I do not know how I am supposed to do this anymore.
Without a word, I slip down the hallway and into my bedroom, closing the door with a soft click behind me. The curtains are already drawn, the room dark except for the faint slice of light under the door.
I do not bother changing.
I do not even bother pulling back the covers.
I just crawl into bed fully clothed and curl into a ball, staring at the wall like it might offer some sort of answer, some kind of salvation.
But there is nothing.
No rescue.
No miracle.
The world feels heavier than it ever has before, pressing down on me, suffocating me with a brutal certainty.
This nightmare is not ending.
It is just beginning.
Tears sting at the backs of my eyes, but I blink them away, too exhausted even for crying.
I clutch a pillow to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for sleep, wishing for oblivion, wishing for anything that will let me escape this crushing, bleak reality for just a little while.
Tomorrow I will have to figure it out.
Tomorrow I will have to be strong for Tyler.
But tonight, I can break.
Tonight, I can fall apart in the darkness where no one else can see.
***
I wake up to the sound of laughter.
It takes me a few seconds to figure out what's going on. I must have fallen asleep when we got home from the doctor's office.
I turn my head to look at the clock and realize that it's nearly eight at night. I've been sleeping for more than eight hours. I start to panic when I hear the laughter again. I haven't checked in on Tyler all day.
Instantly, I feel like a shit mother. I'm so lost in my own grief that I'm neglecting my son.
I jump out of the bed, knocking my knee on the side table as I rush to get out of bed. The pain registers, but it's secondary to my need to check on Tyler.
I swing the door open and hobble as quickly as I can to the living room.
"Tyler, are you..." I skid to a stop when I round the corner, and my eyes settle on what I'm assuming is a figment of my imagination. After I blink a few times and realize the image isn't going away I snap my mouth shut.
Light is here with Tyler. The both of them are on the couch watching Family Guy. In front of them is a full spread of food. Take out from a local chicken spot.
"What... what is this?" My voice cracks as I look between the two of them.
"You were tired Mom. Light came over. It's okay I let him in, right? It's not like he's a stranger." Tyler quickly answers, the smile on his face dropping by the second.
"Yeah, it's fine, buddy. No problem." I try to smile, but the frog in my throat is expanding by the minute.
Light came, he didn't wake me. He bought my son dinner and is looking out for him while I got some rest. It all seems so normal.
But it's not, at least not for me. To not have to worry about Tyler, about what to cook for him, about entertaining him, it feels like a small victory in a war that's waging in my soul.