18. Ivy
18
IVY
L ucian had been completely unreachable on Wednesday, in his office with the glass frosted, so there was no looking inside to see what he was doing. I didn’t like how worried I was about him. I heard noise coming from behind his closed door once or twice, something that sounded a lot like drawers slamming and that kind of thing.
I knew he was there.
I also knew he clearly didn’t want to speak to me or to anybody. There didn’t have to be anything wrong with that, did there?
Then came Thursday. He hadn’t bothered coming into the office at all. All day, his desk had been empty, and he’d only offered short, flat answers to the few texts I talked myself into sending, afraid I would come off clingy or demanding.
Everything about him set off every insecurity I thought I had left behind in my teenage years. I was second-guessing myself, weighing every word, not to mention feeling less than thanks to his wealth and my definite lack thereof. All it had taken was a month of working with him and being with him to make me feel like the poor girl who never quite fit in. I didn’t want to be her. I thought those days were behind me.
Yet there I was, jumping on my cell like it was a live grenade as soon as I got a text from him on Thursday afternoon. It was late, and I was about to pack it in, but he had probably predicted that based on his message.
Lucian: Come straight to my place. I need to see you.
It would make me the biggest loser in the world to jump as soon as he snapped his fingers and demanded my presence. Not requested, demanded. He didn’t ask if I had plans. He didn’t give me the chance to go home and change. I was supposed to show up because he said so.
Damn me for being a hopeless idiot, then, because instead of heading down to the subway, I grabbed a cab to his apartment. Relax, already . I was completely losing my grip, freshening my makeup, pulling the clip from my hair, and shaking it out over my shoulders. My hands were trembling, and my breathing was fast and shallow. I was a bit disappointed in myself for acting like such a nervous, giddy girl because a man told me to meet him at his apartment. Was that all it took? I didn’t know what to think about myself.
Not that I felt like thinking about it at the moment. What if he was sick? I should’ve asked. I could’ve brought him soup or something else to help him feel better. What is wrong with you? He is not a child. He can order his own soup.
Shit. Had I already fallen?
The question was still rattling around in my brain by the time I stepped out of the cab and headed into his building. Breathe, for God’s sake. I couldn’t help my excitement.
Everything had seemed perfect on Wednesday morning. I had floated into work, surprised there weren’t little animated birds and bunny rabbits singing to me as I walked into the office. Being pretty much ignored all day had deflated the hell out of me, and his standoffishness all day today hadn’t helped. I even asked myself if I had maybe done something wrong. I was that fucked in the head when it came to him.
And there was nothing I could do about it. When I wasn’t paying attention, I’d fallen for him. I was on my way to falling, at least by the time I reached the top floor, where the doors slid open and left me staring at his apartment door.
Relax. You’re an adult, for Christ’s sake.
I knew he could see me if he checked his security camera, but I knocked anyway, resisting the urge to fidget as I waited for him to answer the door. I looked fine.
As it turned out, I looked better than fine, at least according to Lucian, once he opened the door and took one look at me. “God, you are gorgeous, Poison.” That was all he said before taking me by my arm and pulling me into the apartment, kicking the door closed while he kissed me like it was the last thing he would ever do.
At first, it was enough to let him kiss me, pushing up against the closed door, his hands running up and down my body and waking me up all over. And I asked myself, why did I get so weird and giddy and unsure of myself when it came to him? This was why. Because deep down inside, I didn’t want to lose this. The rush, the thrill, the chemistry. It had never been like this with another man, and I couldn’t imagine how it ever would.
Even so, after those first few breathless seconds, I softly laughed while he ran his lips over my throat. “What is this all about? I thought you were sick,” I breathed out, moaning when he cupped my breast. “You don’t feel sick right now.”
“If I were sick, this is the only cure.” He barely took time to come up for air, looking at me with so much fire in those endless, dark eyes. “You’re the cure.”
“There I was, thinking I was poison.” I could laugh about it now. There were so many things I would never have imagined laughing about, but I wouldn’t have imagined this, either. We had come so far.
Stop thinking like that. The man had his hand inside my shirt and his dick pressing against me, yet I still chided myself. I needed to get out of my head, or I would ruin everything, but then why had he almost ignored me for the better part of two days? There was no explanation, no nothing. He hadn’t even told me why he wanted me to come over here, though this could very well have been the reason.
“Let’s get rid of this,” he rasped. All at once, he pulled my sleeveless blouse over my head and buried his face between my breasts, still covered in a bra I was glad I wore. “So sweet.”
I closed my eyes and let myself go, let him take over. It was always so good when he did.
I squealed when he grabbed me by the hips and lifted me, pulling me in close to his erection. With my legs wrapped around his hips and my arms around his neck, I let him carry me deeper into the apartment.
There weren’t many things that could pull me out of a moment like this, but my phone ringing was one of them. My heart sank as I looked over Lucian’s shoulder to where I had dropped my bag on the floor. “Hang on a sec,” I murmured in his ear, nipping the lobe.
“It can wait,” he grunted out, walking faster, taking me to the bedroom.
“No, really. I’m sorry, but you know I can’t ignore a phone call.” That was the whole reason I left my ringer on in the first place, in case someone called about Mom. “Give me a sec. It’s probably nothing.”
He still hesitated for a moment, then placed on my feet so I could jog over to my bag and fish the phone out before the call got cut off.
“Oh. It’s Laney.” It was rare for her to call me, though. We usually talked at work, sometimes via text. “Sorry. I just wanna make sure everything’s okay.”
“Wait…” I heard the disappointment in Lucian’s voice, and it seemed kind of funny from where he was a minute ago. That was what was on my mind as I answered the call.
“Hey. Everything okay?” I asked. “I’m kind of in the middle of something.” I grinned at Lucian, who oddly looked like somebody had just killed his dog.
“Where are you?” she barked. “Did you know? Tell me you didn’t know.”
Another look at Lucian, this time searching for answers. Reassurance. Something. “Did I know what?” I asked. There was a sick feeling starting to brew in my gut, but I still didn’t know why. I only knew something felt wrong.
“They’re letting us go tomorrow. Maybe the whole team! Redundancies,” she spat, laughing bitterly. “Can you believe this bullshit? We’ve only been there for a fucking month!”
“Slow down.” As I spoke, I stared at Lucian, whose face was stony. “Start from the beginning. What did you hear?”
“Brad heard.” Laney’s voice was shaky, heavy with emotion. She had been crying. “There’s a list. All the divisions have a list. They decided which ones were actually valuable to the company and who could just be let go. They’re supposed to tell us about it tomorrow. He overheard it from one of the guys in marketing. All of the divisions. They didn’t intend on keeping all of us. They just wanted to see who they could use, like a tryout. Maybe it would’ve been nice if they fucking told us,” she huffed out.
“Okay, let’s take a step back.” Who the hell was I to talk? I was shaking, with nausea rolling over me. Everything was falling apart all at once, and there was nothing for me to do but stand back and watch it happen.
He wasn’t supposed to do this.
He told me he wouldn’t do this.
“Forget taking a step. We’re done! You know, they probably didn’t keep anybody. They were practically fully staffed before this fucking buyout. I knew I should’ve been looking for a new job all this time! What are we supposed to do?” she finished on a sob.
One thing I knew for sure. “I promise you… I didn’t know about this.”
“No, of course you didn’t. Because they probably don’t wanna keep you, either. You were there to teach the Crown Prince how to do his job, and now you can go. The heartless fucking bastards.”
My God . When she put it that way, everything was so clear. All this time, I was there as a tool, nothing more. Someone to use until there was nothing left to use me for. A wave of nausea threatened to knock me down while betrayal wedged a white-hot knife in my chest. I actually looked down, expecting to see it sticking out from my chest.
Lucian turned away, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. This explained a lot. The way he had avoided me. The way he attacked me when I first walked in here. He wanted one more screw for the road. He had to know I’d want nothing to do with him once I knew what he was doing behind my back.
“Let me call you back later tonight,” I offered Laney while my heart ached at the sound of her soft sobs. “And I promise, everything will be all right. We will all be fine.”
“I really hope you’re right,” she mumbled miserably as I ended the call and released a long, shaky breath.
Finally, his voice broke the silence. “I can explain.” That would be the first thing out of his lying mouth, wouldn’t it?
I let out a faint, shaky laugh, standing near the door while he stared out the window from the center of the living room. We may as well have been miles apart when, just minutes ago, we were entangled in each other. “Please, give it a shot. I can’t wait to hear it.”
“I did everything I could. I spent the past two days trying to find a way to justify keeping everyone on, I swear it.” He turned, and his beaten expression satisfied me for a heartbeat. “I swear to God. I don’t want this.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? How long have you known?”
He lifted a shoulder. “Does it matter?”
He couldn’t have hurt me worse if he hit me. That shrug. “Which question are you answering?”
“About how long I’ve known, of course.” He had the nerve to act exasperated. “As for why I didn’t tell you?—”
“I can answer that one.” I snarled. How could I ever think I was falling for him? The slimy little weasel, this cowardly little shit. “You didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t fuck you if I knew you were planning on letting most of the team go when you told me it wouldn’t happen.”
“That’s not true!”
“Right. So that’s why you were all over me the second I walked in here. No important talk, no sitting down with me, offering me a drink, holding my hand while you walked me through this. You wanted to fuck. After that, you could give me the news that I no longer have a fucking job.” I was shaking so hard it was tough to speak, but I had to get every word out. He needed to hear it. I needed to say it.
“It’s not like that!” he bellowed. “Let me get a word in edgewise, for God’s sake!”
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” I had to get out of here. I couldn’t breathe. My blood was on fire, and I was a second away from throwing up all over the floor. My job. I was going to lose my job. I would have to find something else, but what if I couldn’t? The market was shit. Mom needed me. Mom. What was going to happen to her?
“Would you please let me explain?” he asked, taking the first steps toward me. When I backed up against the door, he stopped, his hands tightening into fists at his sides. Poor baby wasn’t used to being denied.
“What is there to explain?” I asked with tears in my voice. “This was how it was always going to be. Damn, how can I be so stupid?” I didn’t know who I was more disappointed with. “I have to go. I can’t look at you.”
“Listen! I put my name down on that list, not yours.” My mouth fell open, and he continued in a rush of words, “I don’t want the job. The only thing that made me want it was being there with you. You’ll do much better at it than I ever could. I named myself as one of the team members who had to go.”
“Oh, get real,” I spat. He dropped back a step, his mouth falling open. “You actually think your father would accept that? Right, like he’s going to let you go and keep me, all because that’s what you think should happen. You still don’t get it, and you never will. You were born with a safety net. He will not desert you.”
“ I’m not deserting you. ”
“It doesn’t matter if you are or not! I’m alone either way.” Saying those words had a strange effect on me. It was one thing to know something but totally different to say it out loud. “You could’ve told me about this. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I… I don’t know.” He shook his head, running a trembling hand over his hair. “I couldn’t find the words. I thought once you knew I put my name on the list to keep you on, you would know I wanted to protect you.”
“Nice gesture,” I admitted. “But that’s all it is. A gesture. It doesn’t mean anything real.”
“Who says?”
“I say!” Hot tears flowed freely down my cheeks, and I wiped them away, angry at them, angry at me. “You don’t live in the real world. And that’s why we cannot work. Do you think just because you tell Daddy you want things a certain way, that’s the way they’re going to be? Because that’s how your life has always gone.”
“And you’re telling me I’m the one who doesn’t understand reality when you think it’s all so simple?” He barked out a cold, nasty laugh. “Is that what you think my life is?”
“I know it is! You come from this world where people are something to be used, bled dry, and tossed aside when there’s nothing left. And still, somehow, you think you can make things better just because that’s how you want them.” Throwing my arms into the air, I concluded, “You’re blind. You’re blind to the way things really are, blind to the lives of the people who work for you. God, Lucian.”
“That’s not me anymore,” he insisted with desperation in his voice. “You’ve changed me.”
“Easy to say,” I spat.
“It’s true. This wasn’t my idea. I wracked my brain for two days, trying to come up with a way to keep everyone on, but I’m not the CEO. He’s set on what he wants, and that’s it.”
And this was his son, who was cut from the same cloth. Any so-called change in him wouldn’t last long. I couldn’t give my heart to him.
He already has it.
I couldn’t look at him anymore. But turning my back hurt just as much, even if it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I had no business being here, no business with him. I only let myself believe it for a minute.
“Don’t go.” He was quick, slamming a hand against the door above my head. “Don’t leave. We’ll find a way through this.”
“And what makes you think that?” I touched my flushed forehead to the cool wood, wanting more than anything to believe him. That was the worst part of all. How much of me still wanted to believe, to hope.
His breath stirred my hair when he replied, “Because we just have to, Poison.”
“I wish I had as much faith as you. Now let me go. Please,” I added when he didn’t move.
“This isn’t over.” He stepped back, and I opened the door.
“This never began.” My heart screamed out for me to take one more look at him before I left, but something told me that would be the biggest mistake of all. Because if I looked at him now, I wouldn’t be able to leave. I would betray myself all over again, and I had already done enough of that.
“We’ll finish this tomorrow,” he told me as I stepped into the hall.
“You won’t see me tomorrow. If I’m getting let go, somebody can tell me over the phone.” Because, for once, I couldn’t be there for my people. I couldn’t walk them through this. Hell, I didn’t think I would be able to stand the pain in their eyes, especially when there was more than enough pain tearing me to pieces. For once, I had to think about myself.
Besides, if I never saw Lucian Diamond again, it would be too soon.