Chapter 18 Alina
ALINA
“Idon’t know how we got here.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Nothing for you to be sorry about. None of this was your fault.”
“I should’ve done something.” Viktor’s voice was strained. “I knew that bastard was no good. I should’ve never let you marry him.”
“You didn’t have a choice. Neither of us did.”
“I could’ve put a fucking bullet in his head. Then, he wouldn’t have had a chance to hurt you.”
“It’s done now.” I reached over and placed my hand on his knee. “I’m okay.”
The words came out steadier than I actually felt. Inside, I was a complete mess. My heart was racing with a mix of fear and regret, and it didn’t help matters that there was so much I couldn’t say. Not to Viktor. Not to anyone. He covered my hand with his and let out a breath.
“I missed you. I didn’t realize how much until I thought you were gone.” He ran his hand roughly down his throat. “Stuff like that doesn’t usually get to me, but this…”
“I’m really sorry.”
For reasons I never really understood, he’d taken a liking to me when we were kids. Maybe it was pity, or maybe it was simple boredom, but he’d always been good to me. He let me follow him around and pester him whenever my heart desired.
But as kind as his attention might’ve been, I never felt drawn to him. I never felt the urge to kiss him or slip my hand into his. That kind of chemistry simply wasn’t there. That didn’t mean I didn’t love him. I did. I loved him the way you love your best friend or your brother.
It wasn’t always easy with him. There were times when he was hard to reach.
His walls weren’t as obvious as Sergei’s, but they were there.
He was matter of fact about things. It was either right or wrong.
There was rarely any middle ground. Sometimes I admired that.
Others, it frustrated the hell out of me. But that was Viktor.
Stubbornly steady and lovingly dependable.
A part of me ached with guilt over the fact that I couldn’t give him what he’d given me, and I could never love him the way he loved me.
A tear trickled down my cheek as I told him, “I wish there was some way I could’ve let you know.”
“That’s not you.” Viktor glanced over at the office door. “That was all Sergei. He could’ve told me.”
“I’m sure he was just trying to protect you.”
“He was trying to keep you all to himself.”
“Viktor.”
“You came out of his room.”
“It’s not what you think.” I motioned my hand down at my foot as I explained, “I tripped and…”
“Be careful with him. He might seem like the hero today, but in time, you’ll see him for what he really is.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. And in the silence that followed, I became painfully aware that Sergei was just on the other side of the wall. I wondered if he could hear Viktor when he said, “It’s too late, isn’t it? You already have feelings for him, don’t you?”
“I…”
“Damn, Alina. I thought you were smarter than that.”
“I know you’re upset with him for keeping all this from you, but he’s really been wonderful.”
“Wonderful?” he scoffed. “Keeping you locked up in his apartment for weeks on end isn’t being wonderful. It’s criminal. He’s keeping you prisoner here.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Of course it is! It’s been weeks since Alek died. You need to get out and learn to live again.”
“I know, and I will. It’s just going to take some time.” I motioned my hand toward my sketchpad as I told him, “I’ve been working on some poetry and a few sketches. I was thinking I might take a class or something. Maybe find a job in an art gallery or even a coffee shop.”
“You know, you don’t have to stay here. You could come over to my place, or I could set you up in an apartment. Whatever you want.”
The thought of leaving made my stomach take a nosedive. I knew he wouldn’t understand my reasons for wanting to stay put, so I told him, “I’ll think about it.”
“I hope you do.” He glanced over at Sergei’s office once again. “Because the sooner you get out of here, the better.”
“It’s really not that bad.”
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”
“Your brother saved my life, Viktor, and he’s spent the last few weeks trying everything he can to help me put my past behind me. He’s opened his home to me and made sure I have everything I want or need. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him.”
“You would’ve had me,” he clipped. “I would’ve helped you. I would’ve done anything for you. I still will.”
“I know, and I appreciate that. You’re already helping me by being here and encouraging me.” I gave his hand a squeeze. “You’ve always been such a wonderful friend.”
“Friend.” He bit his bottom lip and lowered his head. “Yeah, I’ve never been anything more than that, and from the sounds of it, I never will.”
“Viktor, I…”
“Don’t.” He stood, then leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. “I’m glad you’re okay, and if you need anything, and I mean anything, just let me know.”
“Thank you, Viktor.”
He stared at me for a moment, then turned and started for the door. Before he walked out, he glanced back over at me and said, “It was really good to see you, Alina.”
“It was good to see you, too, Viktor.”
He paused for a moment, then walked out and closed the door behind him.
I waited until I was certain Viktor was gone before I stood and started down the hallway.
I walked up to the office door and then lightly knocked.
I didn’t wait for him to answer before I turned the knob and pushed it open.
I stepped inside and found Sergei sitting at his desk.
He was still just wearing his lounge pants, and it was impossible not to notice how his muscles rippled beneath his crossed arms. His eyes locked on mine as I whispered, “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Viktor’s gone.”
“I know.” His eyes narrowed. “You okay?”
I was still trying to process it all, so I simply nodded and muttered, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“He fucked up, didn’t he?”
“No, no. It was good to see him again.” I shrugged. “It’s been a long time. I mean, we spent most of the time talking about Alek and all that, but it was good to spend some time with him.”
“I see.” He studied me for a beat, then arched a brow. “I take it he’s pissed.”
“I think he was hurt that he hadn’t been able to help you more.”
“I had my reasons for not involving him.”
“I know.”
“You guys talk about anything else?”
“No, not really.” I managed a small smile. “Oh, umm… he might’ve said you were keeping me prisoner.”
“Is that so?”
“I told him that wasn’t true,” I scrambled. “I told him about the sketchbook and how I liked being here.”
His brows furrowed, and after a long, torturous moment, he stood and announced, “He’s right.”
“What?”
“Give me a minute to change.”
When he started for the door, I asked, “Where are you going?”
“We’re getting out.”
“We?” I gasped, thinking about how painful it would be to put my foot in a shoe. “I don’t think today is the best day for that.”
“Oh?” He whipped around, and I dipped my head toward the floor, reminding him of my toe. “Ah, shit. I’d forgotten about that. I need to get you some ice.”
He started out of the room, then stopped cold and turned back around. Without saying a word, he came up to me and slipped his arm beneath me, lifting me into his arms. “What are you doing?”
“You need to stay off it.”
“It’s a toe, Sergei. I’m more than capable of walking.”
“Maybe, but I’m not taking any chances.”
It was clear he was set on carrying me, so I didn’t bother arguing. I simply slipped my arm around his neck and let him carry me into the living room. As he lowered me down on the sofa, I giggled and said, “My very own Prince Charming.”
“Not even close.”
He gave me a wink, then made his way into the kitchen. Seconds later, he returned with a bag of frozen peas and a cup of coffee. He propped my foot up on a pillow and placed the peas on my bruised toe. “How’s that?”
“It’s great, but truly unnecessary.”
“Maybe, but it’ll help with the bruising.”
“Well, thank you.”
He nodded, then left again, only to return with my sketchpad and pencils, some toast, and a blanket. “Okay, this is too much. You can stop now. I’m not a total invalid.”
“The sooner you get better, the sooner I can get you out of here and stop holding you prisoner.”
“I’ve never once thought you were keeping me prisoner here, Sergei. You were, and still are, protecting me, and I will forever be grateful for that.”
“I have a way you can pay me back.”
“Oh? And what’s that?”
“Stay off that foot, so I can get you out some tomorrow.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“Great.” As he started out of the room, he announced, “I’m going to take a quick shower and get some things done in the office, but I’ll be around if you need anything.”
“Does that mean you aren’t avoiding me anymore?”
“Avoiding you?” I didn’t respond. I just glanced over my shoulder and gave him a look. He scoffed and shook his head before continuing to his room. “Yeah, I’m done avoiding you.”
“Okay, good. I’m glad we cleared that up.”
“Um-hmm.”
With that, he disappeared into his room.
I heard him moving about, but for the most part, he left me to my own devices.
I watched a little TV, listened to some music, and did a sketch or two.
This time, I wasn’t completely focused on Sergei.
I did one of Moya and even one of Viktor, but inevitably, I found myself drawing Sergei.
As I sat there staring at those gorgeous, intense eyes, it wasn’t long before the words started to flow:
I know the darkness buried beneath his cold exterior.
Deep. Vast. Terrifying.
I know I can’t save him from himself.
But I can’t help but find the warm glimmer in his eyes when they meet mine.
I should be afraid.
I should run for the hills,
but I’m a moth drawn to an endless void of flame that lights his dark tunnels.
I have a longing,
an undeniable need,
that keeps me ever peeking behind his mask.
I was lost in a world of thoughts when I heard Sergei asked, “You ready for some dinner?”