Chapter 26 #2
There were several things she was interested in knowing—the Peccata, for one; how he had met His Majesty; why he was so loyal to him; how he had grown up, and various others.
But she felt those were too personal to ask.
It would breach a corner of vulnerability that she wasn’t sure she wanted to tread into—especially considering how she was going to betray him. It would only hurt more.
She traced the burn scar spanning over his chest. He watched her with a hint of curiosity and something more—amusement, perhaps?
Biyu tapped the scarring. “How did you receive this scar?”
Nikator’s body went completely still and he stared at her strangely. She felt like she had asked the wrong question, but she couldn’t understand why. She shifted in his lap, turning to look at him better.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “Forget I asked.”
His stare intensified. Something flickered over his eyes and she couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. Finally, he said, “You must still be very angry at me, because why else would you ask that?”
Maybe he had a traumatic experience with the scar which was why he felt so offended by her question?
She wasn’t even sure if offended was the right word to describe the way he was looking at her, equal parts bewildered and uncertain.
She wasn’t even sure what to say at this point; he had said that she could ask anything.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to probe. I just figured …
” She struggled to come up with what to say, especially with the awkwardness filling the space between them.
She had made a mistake and she didn’t know how to fix it.
“That maybe it would be worth asking. I was just curious. I’m sorry if it’s a touchy subject. ”
Nikator canted his head. In the darkness of the room, the shadows played across his face in a way that it was hard to read what he was thinking. His words came out slowly, deliberately. “You don’t remember? You gave me these scars, Biyu.”
The air knocked out of her and she froze as those words echoed in her mind. “W-what?”
“You burned me. On the day the throne was usurped.”
Her gaze tracked over the raised ridges, the darkened reddish-skin of the scar, the painful splotches where the burns had been more intense. Nausea curdled in her belly and her hands trembled. She had done that to him? The scar stretched over most of his chest. How badly had it hurt?
Suddenly, it was rushing back to her. The feel of her magic warming her hands. The way he had approached her, his words, and then … a sea of purple flames between them both.
She had hurt him.
Her head pounded, blood rushing to her ears and face, hot and overwhelming. Her horror grew more and more, until she was weighed down with the grief of it. She had burned him horrifically.
“Oh, no, no,” she cried, wide eyes flicking from him to the scars and back again. “Nikator, I—I had no idea. I—I did that to you? No. No. Please tell me it’s not true. Please.”
She couldn’t bear the thought that she had caused him this pain. That she had scarred him this badly. That she had caused so much irreparable damage to him.
She had called him a monster all this time, but he hadn’t hurt her like she had hurt him. Who was really the monster, then? How could she have thought he was a monster, that he was so terrible, when she had inflicted pain on him like this? When she had scarred his body?
Nikator grasped her chin gently and tilted her head up. “You really don’t remember?” His thumbs swiped over the hot tears rolling down her cheeks. The sharp blue of his eyes—appearing almost violet in the dim light—softened. “It’s all right, princess. It was a long time ago.”
“But I—” Her face crumpled. She closed her eyes, wetness tracking down her cheeks. She shouldn’t have been crying when she wasn’t even the victim. “How could you bear to look at me, knowing I did that to you? And it doesn’t matter that it was a long time ago; I hurt you.”
It changed everything; knowing that she was the one who had caused him pain all those years ago.
He had haunted her memories for five years since the throne was usurped, and she had thought that he only saw her as an eyesore because she was the previous emperor’s daughter.
But now she could see the truth. She had badly wounded him, and he hadn’t killed her for it.
Surprisingly, Drakkon Muyang hadn’t executed her either.
Had she haunted his waking thoughts for all these years? Did he see violet flames whenever he saw her?
In the past, she probably would have relished in the idea of hurting him, of burning his beautifully sculpted body. But all it did now was fill her with grief, horror, and shock.
She hadn’t even remembered the attack. It must have been on instinct that her magic went haywire.
Nikator brushed back her hair slowly, his fingers skimming over the skin on her shoulders, tracing the small freckles dusting her skin. “Don’t cry over that. Trust me when I say that looking at you isn’t a problem for me.”
“But how can you say that?”
He tangled his fingers in her waves, twisting them around and breathing against her skin. A shiver rattled her down to her core and she bunched her hands into the sheets to keep from running her hands up his thigh, or his chest—or any part of him, really.
“Do you know why I decided to start guarding you from outside your room?” His nose grazed up her neck and he inhaled her scent—long, hard, agonizingly.
He was slow. Distracted. Unbothered. “It was becoming unbearable being near you. Every time you laughed, smiled, glanced out the window—it was too much for me. I wanted you so badly. Every time our gazes met, it was nearly impossible to keep myself restrained. To keep myself from crossing the distance and pressing my mouth to yours. So no, Biyu, I don’t look at you and think of anything other than you being you. ”
Warmth spread over her like a wildfire. He was always saying things that made her pulse race.
“But I … I scarred you.”
He hummed a response, seemingly too distracted with pressing a kiss to her bare neck. “It’s just another scar.”
He spoke like it was such a trivial thing.
Maybe there was a cultural divide. In Huo society, scars weren’t looked at favorably.
Even on the men who went into battle. It wasn’t frowned upon like it was for women, but it wasn’t part of the beauty standard, and the fact that she had done it to him made her feel ten times more guilty.
Everyone wanted to feel beautiful. Didn’t he?
She told him exactly that, and he paused in nuzzling her nape. “Do you find it repulsive?”
“Well, no.”
“If you want me to cover—”
“No!” She twisted around in his lap and framed his face with her hands, eyes wide at his words. “No, Nikator. I like you the way you are. I would never want you to cover yourself because you thought I didn’t like what I saw.”
“Then it’s decided,” he said with a nod. He pressed a kiss on the top of her head. “You’ll stop worrying about the scar and stop feeling guilty about it.”
“Nikator …”
“Enough guilt. Let’s just sleep it off, all right?”
It was hard for her to cast aside her guilt that easily, but she nodded slowly nonetheless.
He flopped them both down on the bed and covered their bodies with her blanket.
They resumed the spooning position once more, Nikator’s fingers resting atop her hip.
Time ticked by slowly, and his breathing slowed into a quiet rhythm.
She found she liked these moments the best. Being in his arms, safe, and listening to his steady breaths.
It filled her with a calm she couldn’t exactly describe.
Her eyes became heavy and she almost fell into a slumber, when a motion across the room caught her eye.
She blinked. It was so dark in the room, the candle nearly melted into a tiny stub, that it was hard to make out the small shape stretching out from underneath her vanity.
It was Jade; her gray coat looked inky in the shadows of night.
Around her neck was her collar, and sticking out of it was a folded piece of parchment; small, but bright against her sleek fur.
Biyu’s eyes snapped open wider, her breathing stilling. It must have been a note from Yat-sen.
If Nikator saw Jade right now, he would see the note since it was sticking out so precariously. Then everything would fall apart and whatever this was would end as well. She didn’t think it was possible for her heart to jump so hard, so fast, and so erratically.
Biyu carefully smoothed her fingers over Nikator’s and waited.
He didn’t stir, so she carefully picked up his hand and placed it atop his chest. She scooted the barest inch away, and his arm snaked around her waist immediately.
He pulled her flat against him again, words in his native tongue rolling off his tongue as he buried his face in her hair.
“Smell so good,” he mumbled.
Her cheeks turned hot immediately.
With her eyes shut, his scent overwhelmed her—sweet vanilla, salty oceans, and warm spices. When she flashed her eyes open, Jade had jumped on top of her vanity bench and curled into a tight ball. The piece of parchment stuck out even more from her collar.
Trying once more, she picked up his arm and moved it. This time, however, he didn’t embrace her. His breathing remained steady and soft, laden with sleep. She scooted over again, and Nikator’s hand glided up her spine.
She froze, her gaze never snapping away from Jade.
“Where are you going?” His voice was quiet, a little slurred with sleep. It would only take a few seconds of blinking away the fatigue for him to notice the cat. A few seconds for him to reorient himself. For him to cross the distance to Jade. A few seconds for all of this to combust into ashes.
“I have to pee,” she blurted out.
She had never said something so unrefined. She was absolutely mortified and she could imagine Liqin clicking her tongue at how crude that sounded. How very un-princess-like it was. But Nikator only grunted a response and closed his eyes.
Biyu’s legs danged over the edge of her mattress and she rose up to her feet.
When she glanced over at him, his eyes were still sealed.
She took unhurried, measured steps toward Jade so as not to alert him that something was off.
When she reached Jade, she knelt in front of her, blocking his view and quickly plucked the note out.
She stuffed it in her pocket while patting her cat a bit too aggressively.
To him, it probably looked like she got distracted by her cat’s cute fluffiness and decided to pet her.
Later, after she finished her business—because she did need to pee—she unfurled the note.
It was a map. Just like Yat-sen said.
Her eyes widened as she scanned the twisting lines and halls.
She knew exactly where the wards were.