Chapter 14
All morning, the walk is uneventful. We follow the same route we did in coming, and we’re only passed occasionally by a transport truck or a hired motor.
When we reach the same spot midway through the journey at around noon where we rested yesterday, we decide to take our break there again.
Teresa packed us sandwiches and carrots for lunch, so after going to the bathroom and washing up in the creek, we sit on the ground and eat our small meal.
Despite the emotional upheaval of yesterday and my lack of sleep, I feel a lot better today.
Like a weight I wasn’t aware of has been lifted.
Whether that weight was my mother herself or some lingering, unacknowledged attachment to her, the burden now is gone.
And Ben is the main reason I got through it.
I’m acutely conscious of this fact. Acutely aware of Ben’s big body and the warm smile that’s almost lingering in his eyes. I’m not used to feeling soft this way, but it’s not as scary as I would have imagined.
After all, we’re not in our normal lives right now. We’re not with our people. We’re not in the middle of the fight. We’re lounging on the grass in this secluded copse of trees, and there’s no one else around.
For this one moment, it feels safe to indulge it.
Like it’s not going to shatter the foundations of my life.
“What?” Ben asks. He’s been watching me and clearly sees something going on in my expression.
“Nothing. Just thank you.”
“For what?” He’s leaning against the trunk of a thick tree, his legs stretched out in front of him.
I’m sitting across from him. I nudge one of his big boots with my shoe. “What do you think? For helping me.”
He still looks a little confused. “What else would I do?”
“Um, the other choice would be not to help me.”
“Do you think there’s the slightest chance the day will come when I’m not here to help when you need it?”
His question is casually spoken, as if there’s no doubt of the answer in his mind.
But it strikes me hard. I stare at him. My lips part slightly. “I… I don’t know. There’s no reason you have to always be here. I mean, I know you’re as committed to this cause as I am, but we might not be fighting for it forever. Maybe you’ll want to go off and find your own life afterward.”
“What kind of nonsense is that?”
“W-what do you mean?”
“I mean what I say. Are you actually asking me?” He’s not laid-back and casual anymore. He sounds offended. Almost hurt. “You think I’m gonna leave you eventually, no matter what happens?”
“I… I didn’t mean it like that. I know you’ll never abandon me when I need it. But… I mean…” I have absolutely no idea what to say.
“Annabelle, hear this right now.” He leans forward.
Catches and holds my gaze. “I’m not only committed to this fight.
I’m committed to you. So unless the day comes when you wanna kick me out the door, I’m gonna be standing exactly where I’ve always been—at your right hand.
” His mouth quirks up, breaking the intensity.
“And even if you try to kick me out, I’m makin’ no promise I’ll actually go. ”
I spill into rippling laughter, relieved at the escape the humor provides from emotional tension.
“Thank you. I know I don’t tell you enough, but I hope you know I feel it.
I’d never have been able to do any of this without you.
But I do want to say, while we’re on the subject, that there’s no obligation.
Not from me. So if you ever get… get tired of doing what I do…
” When he starts to object, I talk over him.
“Just let me say this. If you ever get tired or want something different or decide it’s time to go home to your people in the wilderness and start a little family of your own, far away from the Central Cities, I’ll understand.
I’ll never stand in your way. I want you to be happy, whatever that looks like. ”
I can’t believe I’ve said all that. It’s not like me. At all. I’ve always been blunt and direct about everything except emotions.
But I don’t regret saying it as I see it process on his face.
Then he surprises me. He reaches out to gently pull me toward him so I’m on my knees between his legs. He lifts his hands to cup my face and peers down to me. “You gettin’ scared?”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared that things are changin’ between us. Gettin’ deep. You lookin’ to run?”
I lick my lips. My heart is racing at a gallop. “I’m not looking to run. I just… I just wanted to say that.”
“Okay. I heard you. And I can see you mean it. If we’re tellin’ the truth, I’d rather hear you say I’m stuck with you forever and you’ll be mowin’ down anyone who tries to get between us, but I can see that you’re tryin’ to be good to me.”
“I am. I mean, I was. I don’t want to be selfish. Just because I need you so much.”
His expression and his shoulders relax. “Okay. I get it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do.” His hands slide down so they’re spanning my neck. “But don’t expect me to reciprocate. I don’t care if you tell me to go away. I don’t care if you wanna leave me behind for good. I’ll be following in your wake like a hungry puppy till you take me back.”
A small laugh escapes. Then another. Then I’m laughing helplessly and still laughing when he pulls my head down to kiss me.
At the first touch of his lips, all my jumbled feelings are channeled and honed down into only one thought. One need.
To have Ben. Completely. As close as I can get.
Because I’m on my knees, I’m higher than him. His head is tilted up toward me, and I’m leaning down to reach him. It’s an intoxicating shift of our normal positions, and pleasure spirals up in my heart and down into my pussy in response.
“Fuck, baby, you’re gonna burn me alive with this fire,” he mumbles when he finally pulls his mouth away to press little kisses all over my face. He’s slid one hand down to cup the curve of my ass under the short skirt of my dress.
“I don’t mean to burn you.” I’m fumbling with the buttons of his flannel shirt, trying to get it off him. It’s in the way, and I desperately need to touch his bare skin.
“Don’t matter. You could burn me to ground, and I’d thank God for the ashes.”
Touched and amused and aroused all at the same time, I make a silly sound of victory as I get his shirt open and tug it off over his shoulders. I immediately go for his jeans next, working on the button and zipper and thrilled that he’s already visibly aroused beneath the denim.
“We got time,” he says, chuckling as I undo him quickly. “It ain’t a race.”
“If it is, I definitely win.” I’m teasing and digging into his boxers to find his cock at the same time.
Still laughing, he hisses and leans back against the trunk of the tree, his expression reflecting naked pleasure as I stroke up and down his erection. “No argument here. You win.”
The sight of his big, handsome face looking like that inspires me. I adjust my stance and lower my head to take his cock in my mouth.
Since he had his eyes closed, he didn’t realize what I’m doing until I give the tip of his shaft a hard suck. He lets out a helpless exclamation and bucks his hips right up off the ground.
“Fuck,” he rasps. “Forget ’bout burnin’ me to the ground cause I might already be dead.”
I have to lean over so far it stretches my back, and the loose hair of my wig falls forward, getting in the way. But I don’t care. I laugh around the thick substance of him in my mouth, sliding him out and then back in even deeper.
He groans and curves his fingers around the back of my head like he wants to hold me in place.
I don’t mind that at all. I haven’t done this particular activity in a long time.
I used to do it for Chad because I could get him to come this way and wouldn’t have to deal with him thrusting away inside me.
Since my marriage, I’ve fucked only a few men, and it was never anything but quick and casual.
But never in my life have I felt like this. Powerful and tender both. As if it’s my job—mine—to give this man everything he needs.
To make him feel like this.
It’s a heady, intoxicating feeling, and it overwhelms me completely as I apply hard suction with my mouth and bob my head to the rhythm he’s setting with his hips and the slight press of his hands on my head.
I’m making messy sounds of pleasure around his cock, but they’re barely audible because Ben is moaning and gasping uninhibitedly.
He’s given himself over to the pleasure.
Between the groans, he’s muttering. “Yes, just like that. You’re suckin’ me so good.
Fuck, I’m not gonna last long like this. Yes, you’re doin’ it just right.”
He’s right about not lasting long. I’m still completely into it, rocking my whole body with the bobbing of my head and throbbing deliciously between my legs, when he suddenly makes a burst of sound and jerks his hips clumsily.
He comes hard, the spurts of his ejaculate hitting my throat and making me cough because I wasn’t ready for it.
I manage to suck him through the spasms of his release, and then I clear my throat as I straighten up, arching my back to stretch out the tension.
Ben is splayed out, flushed and limp and panting. But after a minute, he opens his eyelids enough to slant me a look. “I think I won that race.”
Chuckling, I fall against his chest so he can pull me into a soft hug. “All I’ll say is that you did get there first.”
“Sorry ’bout that. Meant to give you some warnin’ in case you wanted to get your mouth out of the way of all that.”
“I didn’t mind. I kind of like that you lost control.”
“You like that, do you?”
“Yeah.” I rub my cheek against his shoulder. “I liked it.”
“Seemed like you were gettin’ kinda turned on.” He slides his hand down my back, over my bottom, and then between my legs. “Uh-huh. Definitely turned on.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is that you got real hot doin’ that for me. You want me to use my mouth or my hand to get you off?”
“Since your hand is right there, let’s go for that. Getting in position for the mouth would take time I don’t currently have available.”
Ben is breathing out his amusement as he slides one finger and then another inside me. He starts fucking me with them. Fast. Not gently. His motion shakes my whole body, and it’s exactly what I need.
I babble out my pleasure against his chest. I have no idea exactly what I say, but it’s no doubt embarrassing.
I was so far gone it doesn’t take very long for my muscles to tighten and release in a rush of pleasure.
But Ben keeps going, fucking me with his hand so hard I grunt with each thrust. I’m louder than I should be and completely out of control when I come a second time.
“There,” he murmurs as I collapse on him, gasping wetly against his shoulder. “That’s what you needed, isn’t it?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You came real hard that second time. Was it too much for you?”
“No,” I manage to rasp out. With one of my hands, I’m gripping the back of his neck like I can’t let go. “No. I needed it. Oh fuck, it feels like the top of my head blew off.”
“I’d kinda like to see that, so we can try it again sometime soon.”
“The blow job or the hand job?”
“Both. Honestly can’t decide which I loved more.”