Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-seven
Zara
The following week, I used my day off to meet with Dell Rivers. He’d taken over dealing with Jackson and Ryan Mercer, and it appeared this ordeal was coming to an end.
Jackson had dragged his feet until Dell sent an official letter to him and his brothers. Miraculously, things began to move swiftly then.
Not swiftly enough for Mercer and his client. He’d called Javier again, and me as well. But while I was in his office today, Dell spoke with Mercer on the phone. For a nice old man, he really put the screws to him.
When he hung up, he grinned at me, his wrinkled cheeks pink with delight. “Well, that was fun. Not often I get to throw my weight around like that anymore.”
“No? Ranchers don’t give you trouble?”
He waved me off. “Pfft. They’re pussycats compared to your PI. He was all business until I brought up the law codes he was breaking, then he backpedaled like a scared little girl.”
I arched a brow. “As a person who was once a fearless little girl, I resent that remark.”
He laughed with delight. “Sorry, darlin’. I take that right back. If Mercer were forced to face you down, I have a feeling he’d be scared of you at any age. Lucky for him, he seems to understand the people he needs to lean on are Jackson and his brothers.”
“I hope you’re right.”
Because I was beyond done with that part of my life.
Unfortunately, I would never be able to forget my first marriage. I’d learned too many lessons from those years to even want that, but everything else about it—including my ex-husband—I wanted far, far behind me.
It was the middle of the day when I left Dell’s office, and Sugar Rush was having a lull in customers. Phoebe greeted me with a hug and helped me pick out a muffin while her employee made me a coffee.
We sat together by the front window, and she told me about a club where she and Deke like to go dancing with their friends, inviting Mac and me to join them the next time they went.
Through a knot in my throat, I had to tell her it would have to be sooner rather than later, since I was supposed to be leaving in a few weeks.
She didn’t question me on that, but I couldn’t miss the doubt mixed with sadness in her eyes. I was sure the same emotions were in mine too.
It wasn’t just Cormac I’d miss. I’d let myself forget how great a friend Phoebe had been to me, and how warm this town’s embrace was.
As I strolled along Main Street, popping in and out of the cute little shops, my heart ached.
It wasn’t just for what I was leaving. I missed my family back in Oregon too.
I couldn’t wait to squish myself between Zane and Steven, to get lost in a really good hug from my mom, to feel my dad’s hand on top of my head as he called me his baby girl.
I’d left them once. I’d sacrificed our relationship for a man who had demanded it. Never in words, but subtle shoves that caused me to become further and further adrift from the people who’d always anchored me.
I picked up a postcard in the five-and-dime. It had a picture of the Kelly ranch on it. Cattle dotted the rolling, craggy landscape in front of the mountain looming like a giant in the background. And through the middle ran our river.
It was beautiful. I loved it so much, I could barely stand to look at it in pictures, knowing I would be leaving it soon. Yet it wasn’t the land making my heart crack.
It was him.
Even if Cormac had lived in a concrete jungle or a barren desert, I would feel like I was splitting in two leaving him.
I belonged with him. He was who I’d longed for when the summers were over.
I might have convinced myself it was our adventures or the places he’d shown me, but at the core of it all, it was him.
If we were going to make this work—and we had to make it work—eventually, one of us would have to give something up. There was no other option.
I was certain Cormac could find a job anywhere. He was talented and smart. Everyone liked him. And there were countless hotels and resorts in the Portland area. If he came with me, he’d land on his feet, and we’d be together.
And if I asked him, he’d come. I didn’t doubt for a second he would.
But how could I ask him?
He hadn’t asked me to stay. Maybe he didn’t think he had the right to. We were new, but at the same time, decades old. There’d always been an “us.” Our parents had pictures of toddler Mac holding newborn baby me. He was as much a part of me as the marrow in my bones.
My thoughts were filled with every possibility on my way home. Then on my walk by the river. Through cooking dinner and a brief phone call with Cormac, who was spending his evening hanging with Caleb’s family.
Just when I thought my mind was going to explode, Zane called me.
“Hey, you.”
I smiled at my brother’s face. His pretty eyes and achingly familiar smile. “Hello, Zaney. Where’s your other half?”
He crinkled his nose. “Can you believe he joined an indoor soccer league? He’s currently at his first practice. He was nervous about playing with his new friends. It was all kinds of adorable.”
“Aw, everyone loves Steven. I’m sure they’ll be nice to him and pass him the ball.”
Zane’s humor was quickly replaced with a look so sharp it could have cut glass. “They better. Maybe I should have gone and sussed these guys out.”
I laughed. “Steven can handle himself. You can look threatening at his first game.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be there with deadly, spiky bells on.”
I sighed. “Like father, like son.”
Zane lifted his chin. “Can’t help it. I learned from the best.”
“We both did.” I carried my phone outside, plopping down on the Adirondack chair Cormac had stolen from his grandparents’ deck so I’d have a place to sit. “I really miss you guys.”
“Same, but you’ll be back soon. You know you’re going to have to come with me to these soccer games, right? I don’t think I’ll be able to bear them otherwise.”
“You’ll get to watch Steven running around in little shorts. I think you’ll be okay.”
His eyes narrowed, and he pointed at me through the screen. “What’s that face about? Why do you sound like that?”
I shook my head. “I don’t sound like anything.”
“You do. You sound…resigned.”
“I’m sad, all right? I want to see you and keep you company at Steven’s soccer games, but I’m kind of in love with Cormac Kelly.”
His jaw dropped for a split second before he started muttering curses and tugging at his hair.
“I knew it. I knew this would happen. Of course you’re in love with Cormac Kelly.
No one could believe it when you came home from college with a boyfriend who wasn’t Cormac.
Jackson.” He scoffed bitterly. “But I was sure that ship had sailed. I mean, you married a whole other man.”
“Can we not talk about that?”
He stopped and stared right at me. “Does he love you back?”
I nodded. “Oh yeah. Big time.”
“Fuck. This is a disaster.”
Then I told him the thing I’d been trying really hard not to think about since my conversation with Javier last week.
“My boss is planning on moving on to a new job in September. He wants me to replace him.”
Zane’s head fell back with a loud groan. “I knew you weren’t going to come back. I told you.”
“I haven’t accepted.” I nibbled on my bottom lip until Zane focused on the screen again. “I have an interview at your hospital tomorrow morning.”
He rolled his eyes. “Why bother? You love guiding. You love that godforsaken state and you finally pulled your head out of your ass and fell in love with the man who was always meant for you.”
“I haven’t decided anything, that’s why.
Cormac and I are so new. I do love him, more than I thought possible, but what if we move too fast and screw it all up?
It would be smart to get a job in Portland and see where things stand then.
We’ve already agreed we’ll do long distance when the summer’s over. ”
“Sure. I’m all for that plan.” He nodded a few times. “You come back here, live with Steven and me until we get sick of each other, then move into the house next door.”
“You’ve got my future all planned out.” Elbow on the arm of the chair, I rested my cheek on my fist. “Is the house even available?”
“Not at the moment, but I have my ways.”
I burst out laughing. “You sound so much like Dad.”
“He knows how to get things done.”
“He does.” I tipped my head back, peering up at the stars. There were a million pinpricks of light in the dark, inky blanket of the sky. “It’s right, isn’t it? Doing the interview?”
He let out a long sigh before answering. “I don’t know, Z. I’d be happy as a clam to have you back here, and I think you could build a happy life this time around. If I had my way, that’s what you’d do. But…I have to wonder, do you even like accounting?”
“Of course. I worked really hard to get my degree and certification.”
His brows shot up. “That isn’t much of an answer.”
“It’s the answer I have. Do I have to love my job? I don’t think most people do, and it’s not like I can just throw away all the work I’ve done to get here. That’s years I’ll never get back.”
“Mmmhmm. And I’m sure on your deathbed, you’ll be thinking how glad you are to have spent your life making spreadsheets.”
I tore my gaze from the sky, focusing on the screen. “I thought you wanted me to come home.”
“I definitely do. I just question your future plans once you get here. I wish you’d think about what you really want to do and not get stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy.”
“I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing,” I argued weakly.
“You don’t?” This time, he only raised one skeptical eyebrow.
“To me, that’s exactly what this is. You did it with Jackson—rode that sinking ship all the way to the ocean floor because you’d invested so much time.
And it sounds to me like you’re doing the same thing with your career.
You can abandon ship, Z. You know Mom and Dad and me and Steven will keep you afloat if you need it. ”
“I know.” I sucked in a shaky breath as a seed of terror bloomed in my belly. “It’s the only direction I have, though.”
He chuffed. “You’re being stubborn, as usual. Didn’t you just finish telling me about a job offer you have there?”
“Are you trying to convince me to move?”
“No. No way. But if you’re qualified for that job, who’s to say you couldn’t find one like it here?” Turning away from the camera, he scratched the side of his head. When he spoke again, it was quieter. “I want you to be happy. If that means moving, I won’t like it, but I’ll support you.”
With each word, the terror grew, climbing out of my gut and clawing up my lungs.
“I don’t want to make a mistake.”
Zane stayed steady, even as I wobbled. “If you do, you can always fix it. There’s nothing that can’t be undone.”
Fear wrapped around my heart, holding on tight. “Do you think you could go outside and show me the stars?”
My brother didn’t even hesitate, the phone jostling as he made his way out to his patio.
“Here you go. Look up,” he said softly, turning the camera up to the sky.
Through gray clouds, dots of light shone. Here and there, scattered like confetti. It was a beautiful sight, no doubt. And there was a time I would have lain on my back to gaze up at them…to count them for hours and try to pick out constellations. I would have been satisfied.
But now…
I looked up, and I almost couldn’t breathe.
There was so much. Endless. Countless. No clouds or light pollution blocking the glow.
The stars spilled across the sky in thick rivers of light, crowding close together like they were pressing down on the earth.
The darkness between them wasn’t empty. It felt deep, alive, stretching on forever.
It made me feel small, yet like I was a part of something vast and meaningful.
I looked at the phone screen again, and it was beautiful.
The clouds, the trees on the horizon, the little snatches of light blinking through the breaks.
The sky looked soft there, muted and close.
Comfortable. Like home. If I hadn’t known something else was out there, I would have been content to look up at it every night.
“It’s not enough,” I whispered.
Zane pointed the camera at his face again, took a long, assessing look at me, and said, “Well, fuck.”