Chapter 17 – Rosie
ROSIE
As I leave the meeting with Dottie’s lawyer, the pain radiating in my legs and my back is nearly unbearable.
But it does distract me from what I learned at the will reading.
Beck had been right. Grandma Dottie left me her cottage.
And she wanted me and Charlie to move to Golden Harbor and live in it.
My phone chimes and panic rises in my chest until I see Stella’s name on the screen. I hold it in my grip and wait to respond. I slide in behind the steering wheel of Dottie’s Mini Cooper and toss my bag onto the passenger seat.
The flower-shaped air freshener, the half-drunk water bottle rolling around on the floorboard, the cross hanging from the rearview mirror—they’re all pieces of Dottie.
Driving her car makes me feel closer to her, but it also hurts.
How could I possibly live in her house and not be sad and reminded of her every single day.
The ache in my chest moves in tandem with the constant stabbing in my thighs.
It’s cruel to feel pain of the body and the heart at the same time.
Not that I haven’t grown accustomed to it.
The pain in my life has been a perpetual tug of war.
I find myself contemplating which is going to take me out first. Pain in my heart or the physical pain of this chronic illness.
Resisting the tears building in my eyes is pointless. I let them unleash at their will. The anguish swells in my throat and I have a difficult time swallowing while the sobs break free.
I tell myself I’ll allow five minutes of release before I rein it back in and drive to Dottie’s to face both Charlie and Beck.
Beck.
How do I explain to him that Dottie has left me the house, but I don’t think I can stay?
Can I? There’s no way West would ever consider moving to Golden Harbor with us.
And we couldn’t possibly do long distance.
That’s not the kind of family life I want for Charlie. I want to finally give her stability.
My phone chimes again.
Stella
Well??
She left me the cottage
And her ashes
Stella
Whoa. Sort of like good news bad news
I guess you could say that
Stella
Did she give specifics on what she wanted you to do with the cottage?
Yep. She wanted me and Charlie to move back here and live in it
Stella
I’m gonna take a guess that you’re super confused right now?
You know me well
Stella
You and Charlie should come by tonight for dinner
Maybe another time? I’m in so much pain. My heating pad and pain pills are calling my name
Stella
That sucks girl. Let me know if you need anything
By the time I reach Dottie’s I’m exhausted. But the exhaustion isn’t the worst part. It’s the razor-sharp pain in my thighs that’s radiating down my legs and wrapping around my back. I practically drag myself out of the car and amble up the steps and to the back door.
When I push inside, the scent of cookies hits me and warms me to my center instantly. But that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe Beck lit a candle?
I slip my shoes off and shuffle down the hall with a one-track mind: pain meds and my heating pad. Except the sweet smell of sugar and chocolate has me distracted.
“Mama!” Charlie’s little voice sounds out and my vision skims across the living room and over into the kitchen.
She’s sitting up at the island, propped on her knees.
“Hey, baby girl.” I go to her and drop a kiss to the top of her head.
“Daddy is making cookies.”
My gaze moves into the kitchen where Beck is bent in front of the oven and pulling a batch of fresh cookies out.
Beck’s backside in a pair of Carhartts is still as hot as ever.
I suck my lower lip in between my teeth.
I definitely should not be checking out his butt.
Regardless of the license that says he is my husband, I’m engaged to another man.
A nice man. One who wants to take care of me and Charlie.
“Rosie?” Beck calls, his eyes wide.
“Huh? What?” I shake my head, the blaring pain in my gut and legs presenting itself tenfold—along with heat filling my face from being caught red-handed gawking at him.
“I asked if it was okay that I made cookies?”
“Oh, right. Yeah, it’s fine.”
“And then I asked if you were okay. Are you? Okay?” His brows are up high on his forehead. It’s his worry face. I’ve never liked to make him worry.
“I’m okay. Nothing some meds and a heating pad won’t fix.” I give him a pained smile, because we both know that isn’t true.
“And cookies?” He flashes me a wink and it fractures part of the barrier I’ve built around myself.
What’s this? A peace offering…from Beck?
He takes a cookie from the cooling rack and offers it to me. “They always used to help you on flare days. Thought it was worth a try.”
My heart gives a punch against my ribs. It is a peace offering. The smallest olive branch. I’ll take it. “Thank you.”
He shrugs and returns to transferring the warm cookies to the cooling rack. “I’m just glad Dottie had the ingredients.”
“Me too,” Charlie exclaims from her stool.
“Okay, but not too many.”
“She’s only had six,” Beck announces, but I think I only half hear him correctly.
I whip my head in his direction. “Six?” I gasp.
He and Charlie both start laughing and it takes a moment for the terror to leave my body. “Nice. Good one guys, ha, ha, ha,” I say, fake laughing.
“It was Charlie’s idea.” Beck gives me another wink, and a shiver races down my arms. It came across as flirty but maybe I’m reading into as that.
Maybe I want it to be flirty. Which is so much worse—me wanting it over his meaning behind it.
This is new, strange territory for us. We’ve never not been a couple.
“I’m going to go up and change. You’re free to go whenever you want.” I take a few steps backward and stumble a bit before righting myself.
“Oh,” he replies. “Yeah, okay.”
“I mean, unless you wanna stay. Either way is fine,” I blabber. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to stay.”
“Stay, Daddy. Please,” Charlie begs.
“I’ll stay for a bit. Just until I know you’re good.” He gestures with his brows at me. As if we’ve got some kind of secret code. But I don’t shield much from Charlie when it comes to my illness.
“Thanks,” I mumble. I take two more ibuprofen even though it will do nothing for the pain. If I’m lucky though, it will at least take the edge off. I shuffle down the hall and climb the stairs. Beck and Charlie’s voices and giggles waft throughout the house.
My stupid self thinks about how beautiful that sound is.
How maybe I could’ve listened to it for the past six years if I had just told Beck the truth before Charlie was born.
It’s a cruel thing. Regrets. Letting your mind play tricks on you and punish you for things you have no control over.
It’s part of my illness. Making me live a life with regrets.
After I’ve changed into a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, I come downstairs with my electric heating pad.
The open space on the couch with the fuzzy throw blanket is calling to me.
The only thing I want is to curl in a ball with my mini-me and put on one of her comfort movies.
Which have all become my comfort movies now too.
It’s strange how one moment, your go-to’s are rom-coms and the next moment they’re animated talking animals.
“I made you some tea,” Beck announces, just as I’m situating myself on the corner of the sofa.
I blink up at him as he’s gliding over with a mug of steaming tea. I don’t know what shifted between us. But something has. Is it because he knows I’m in pain? Or is he being nice in front of Charlie and later, when we’re alone, he’s going to argue with me.
“Thank you,” I mumble, taking the mug in both hands.
“You’re welcome.” And there’s a smile. A genuine smile. And then a spark when our fingers graze. He must feel it too because his eyes go wide when they lock on mine.
Warmth floods my body. Or maybe it’s the pain meds working a little of their magic.
He tears his gaze away and fake coughs into his fist. “It’s caffeinated, so hopefully it helps kick those pain meds in gear.”
That small detail is an added thoughtfulness that has me in shock. I don’t know if I should trust it. I find myself anticipating the other shoe to drop.
Curling up on the couch, I pull the fuzzy blanket over my legs and rest the heating pad on my stomach and the tops of my thighs. I hold the mug in my hands and blow lightly at the hot liquid, watching the steam billow.
“Mama, want me to put on the panda movie?”
“I’d love that.”
Charlie picks up the remote and turns on the TV, finding the Netflix streaming option.
She’s learned how to work Dottie’s remote faster than I have.
She finds the movie and comes and sits in the crook of my bent legs.
It’s her favorite spot. I’ve gotten so used to it, that when she’s in bed and I’m up late, I miss her being cozied up there.
That thought only makes my brain spiral.
What if I have to share Charlie with Beck?
I have to admit, leaving him with her today so I could go to the reading of Dottie’s will was a relief.
But if I stay in Seattle and Beck remains in Golden Harbor, Charlie will have to go back and forth all the time.
Is that the kind of life I want for her?
She finally has some stability. A good school with friends, and then West; a constant male role model in her life. Even if he’s not that constant.
“Come sit here, Daddy.” Charlie pats the couch next to her.
Beck complies, rounding the sofa and sitting on the other end. He’s so close my feet are almost touching his legs. It takes me back to all those times we sat in this very position. Him waiting out my flares and cramps, bringing me anything I needed.