Chapter 12 Caleb #2
Fear. Terror. Loss. It hollows out my heart and leaves the organ bleeding and empty.
Sirens wail from some distance away as I try to clamber back onto my feet. I have to go in there and save them.
“I need to go back in there!” I scream at the top of my lungs as the fire crew drag me away. “Please!”
Nobody’s listening.
I’m lifted onto a stretcher and wheeled into the back of a flashing ambulance. They hook me up to a machine—another way to prevent me from going back in and saving them.
I chose my life over theirs.
I could’ve saved them.
But I chose to save myself.
And that makes me the most selfish person alive.
“The talk was amazing.” Ellie beams up at me at the end of school.
I ruffle her hair and smile. “Thanks, sweetheart.”
“I wish you could come visit more.”
“That would be nice. But there are more important things that you and your classmates need to learn.”
“Like what?”
“Like math,” I tease her. “Come on. I’ll drop you and Sonny off on my way back to the station. I want that multiplication homework completed by the time I get back tonight.”
“A ride in the truck!” exclaims Sonny. “Did you hear that, Mom?”
Mom.
Piper materializes, only just managing to meet my eyes.
Of course. She’s on pickup duty. I’m supposed to be at work.
“Not today, buddy.” I ruffle Sonny’s hair, reassuring him that there will be a next time. “Your mom will drive you both back. I’ll see you this evening when I get back from work.”
“Will I ever get to hold the hose?”
Since living at my place, Sonny’s hyperfixation has changed from planes to fire hoses. He now runs around the lawn making water sounds.
Piper and I both wish he’d go back to the planes.
“We’ll see about that, bud. It depends on how well you get on with your homework.” I ruffle his hair and escort the kids over to Piper.
The moment our eyes catch, I threaten to lose myself again.
“I’ll see you tonight,” I tell her.
Sounds like a fucking booty call.
“See you tonight,” she says in a small voice, disappearing before I’m done getting my fill of those eyes.
I wipe a hand through my hair. It’s bad enough having to wear thick uniform in the middle of summer. Add Piper into the equation and I’m sweating like a sinner in church.
Ellie’s teacher catches me on my way out. “I knew you did shift work, but I never knew you were in fire and rescue.”
“That’s probably because I didn’t mention it.”
The teacher blushes and lingers, the same way they all do. “Ellie’s doing very well.”
“Yes. She’s a good kid. I’ll see you at parents’ evening,” I call down the hallway as I take my leave. “Please tell me all about her progress then.”
I release a heavy sigh as soon as I’m out of the school. The space is way too confined for me, especially today. The weight on my chest felt lighter before the talk.
I’m single and a firefighter, so short-term dating has always worked out in my favor. But I haven’t been interested in a woman enough to want to see them a second time. Holly was the exception, since she was Ellie’s mother.
And Piper has always been the real deal.
I never had the time to date with Ellie. But I do now, with another person in the house.
I climb back into the truck and set off toward the station. I have the opportunity to get out into the dating pool, but I have no urge to do that. All I’ll be doing is searching for a Piper Hart replacement.
And besides, even if I wanted to give dating a shot, I’d hurt Piper by doing so. She’d probably hurt me back and go on a date with someone else, and the cycle would repeat until it killed me.
No. It’s her. Always has been.
Dating will make things even worse than they already are.
I return to the station more levelheaded than before, even though the weight in my chest hasn’t yet subsided.
Keller switches places with me, and I spend the rest of the afternoon out on the road completing jobs.
We head out into the forest to save an elderly hiker from a fast-flowing river, and bullet down the road to cut someone out of a car.
The afternoon is busy for a change. But busy is good.
I need to distract my mind, and there’s no better way to do that than to be rushing down the road with lights and sirens, feeling the adrenaline again.
Marco and I make it back to the station just after nightfall.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t expect you to flip when I called Piper…that.”
“No apology necessary,” I tell him as I jump out of the truck. “It should be me who’s apologizing.”
“You really care about her,” he states, staring down at me from the passenger side.
I frown. “What?”
“You only left town because you had to,” Marco says. “Did you tell her why you had to leave?”
“No.”
“No?” Marco repeats with wide eyes. “Why not? Everything will go back to normal again if you’re both honest.”
“Exactly.” I point my finger at him. “Things have already changed too much between us.”
“Have they?” Marco shoots me a pointed look.
“Yes. They have. I’m not thirty anymore with no responsibilities. I’m a father, and Ellie needs me. Telling Piper the truth about why I had to leave—if she hasn’t figured that out herself yet, is dangerous.”
“Because you’re afraid you won’t get to have both.
” He’s reading me like a book and I don’t like it.
“You think that by giving Piper attention, you’ll lose your daughter.
Grass grows where you water it, right? And the patch of grass that you leave, perishes.
” He’s still observing me from the passenger seat.
“You’re still watering Piper’s patch of grass by thinking about her. ”
“What are you trying to get at here, man?”
“I’m saying that you’re in love with her, and the distance you’re trying to create is making things worse.” Another thought pops into his head. “How do Ellie and Piper mix?”
“Well.” I keep my response short before I help prove Marco’s point even more.
“Exactly.” Now he’s pointing a finger at me. “So you’re burning not one bridge, but two. Three, even, if you have any sort of relationship with her son.”
Fuck, we really need to get her out of my house before the thought of walking away feels even more impossible than it already does.
After staring at my friend a while longer, I decide that I don’t want to speak about this anymore. “I’m taking off.” I stick my hand up at him. “We’ll wash the truck next time.”
I slam the door to my own car and start the ignition. That damned weight is bearing down on me even stronger than before. Soon it’ll be impossible to breathe.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Marco about the insurance fraud, but I can’t risk telling him. Not at the station when Keller could’ve been eavesdropping.
There was some truth to Marco’s words. I recognized what he was saying, though I don’t want to believe it.
Yes, I might still be in crazy love with Piper, but the facts about my daughter still stand. Ellie deserves every ounce of my love.
I went into foster care after the fire, and the fall hit me so hard that sometimes, I still feel as though I’m recovering.
I have to pour all of my energy into Ellie, into making sure that she doesn’t have to live through what I did.
We’re inseparable. Before Piper reentered my life with her son, all I cared about was Ellie’s safety and mine.
But now I’d climb mountains for their safety too.
And that is a fucking dangerous game to play.
Because while you’re busy saving someone else, another is falling.