Chapter 26
Farrah comes back just in time to sit with me for my fourth session, giving me an excuse not to have Callahan there.
I don’t know how to face him after sneaking out in the middle of the night.
I hate that I did it, but I can’t bring myself to regret it.
Especially if it’s going to be the thing to save me from the hurt and pain that is sure to follow relying on him like this.
All I know is that I have to figure out a way to pull back.
“Why are you so quiet?” Farrah asks.
“I’m not.” I try to think of something to say to prove her wrong.
“What’s going on?” She beats me to the punch.
“Nothing.”
She sighs and rubs her forehead. “God, you’re so frustrating sometimes.”
“When I’m ready to talk about it, I will.”
She moves her chair closer to me, closing in the conversation. Then she grabs my arm like she really needs me to listen.
“You always say that, and you rarely do. I don’t understand how you expect to figure anything out when you only have yourself. It’s okay to need people, Monty.”
I want to tell her it’s not. I want to remind her about how bad it was the last time I did.
She saw it. She saw me fall apart when my mom got remarried and completely forgot about me.
I’m supposed to need my mother, and she is supposed to show up.
I don’t think Farrah understands what it means when that fundamental relationship fails you so much.
I just tilt my head back and close my eyes. I don’t have the luxury of having any more breakdowns. I need my strength to get through this.
“Nope, not happening. I’m over it. Open your eyes and open up. I will stalk you and irritate you until you tell me, and you know I can do it. You know what I’m capable of.”
I know she means it when I see the tight line her mouth is forming.
“Farrah, just let it go.”
“No.”
When did everyone in my life become a bully?
“Fine,” I say, throwing my hands up. “I’m thinking of breaking up with Callahan.”
“What the hell?”
I rub my eyes, trying to stop the tears at just the thought. My heart feels like it’s going to rip out of my chest just to find his. Just to remind me that they belong together.
“I can’t do it, Farrah. I’m so scared that he is going to leave me first.” My voice wobbles and I can barely breathe. “I just rely on him so much.”
“What’s wrong with that?” She grabs my hand, squeezing it.
“If you don’t expect anything out of anyone, then you can’t be disappointed. I can’t expect him to be like this all of the time. I can’t expect to have him show up for me. You don’t understand how attached I’ve grown to him. He couldn’t make it to my last appointment, and it felt…”
I try to breathe out the panic crawling up my throat, but it’s stuck there. It refuses to be released.
“I don’t know how to explain how it felt.”
“I hate that you feel this. I hate that you’re so scared of the worst, you can’t see all the good he brings to your life. You don’t rely on anyone, and I just wish you would give us a chance to prove you wrong.”
I wish that too, but I can’t risk it.
Nurse Rasheda walks over then and starts to take everything off of me. She must feel the tension because, for once, she is quiet.
We hold that same silence as we make our way to Farrah’s car. It’s not until we are parked outside of my house that she says something.
“Don’t break up with him. Give him a chance. You can be cautious, but try being open. Please.”
“I don’t even know how to be open.” I rest my head against the seat and close my eyes, the tiredness already taking over.
“What do you call these last few months?”
Unsuspecting. Covert. I wasn’t trying, and still somehow he found a way to sneak under my guards.
He eased through the cracks and nestled himself in my being.
He weaved together enough parts of us that I can feel them pulling even at the thought of walking away.
If I really let myself get tied to him, will him being torn out leave too little to repair?
“I don’t know,” I say.
“Well, whatever it is, it’s been good for you. Despite everything you are going through, I’ve never seen you glow like this. Your love for him is pouring out of you, illuminating your life. You can’t give this up.”
She holds my gaze with her pleading eyes. I really take in what she is saying because I know, above all else, all she wants for me is the best. And if she thinks this is what I need, maybe I can give it a try.
But how do I come back from hurting him like this? How do I make up for the fact that I walked away from him? I don’t even know if he can forgive me, because I don’t know if I can forgive myself.
“Errol is coming to town. Why don’t we double so you can just relax in Callahan’s presence again? Just see all the good parts.”
“I haven’t talked to him in a week. I keep ignoring his calls,” I say. Because I’m a complete asshole.
“Call him, okay? Just talk to him.”
“I will.”
She follows me in and allows me the silence to think in between throwing up. I am so used to Callahan being the one here, I wish it were his hands rubbing my back and holding my hair. But because of me, he isn’t here, and if I get my way, he may never be again.
After I finish my usual after-chemo torture and Farrah leaves, I pace around my room trying to find the right words. My fingers rapidly tap against my leg, while I stare at the ceiling like it will tell me what to say. It doesn’t. So I guess I have to wing it during this call.
He picks up on the second ring, and his hello is so tight that it sounds like his voice is about to snap.
“How are you?” I ask, trying to ease into the conversation.
“Seriously, Monty? How do you think I am?”
“Well, I don’t know.”
My feet pick up their speed like they are trying to outrun this conversation. I don’t know if it’s my mind or my body that is causing my heartrate to pick up.
“Look, I know you’re probably mad.”
“I’m not mad, sweetheart, I’m hurt.”
This is worse. I never wanted to hurt him. I just didn’t want him to hurt me.
“I’m sorry.” My gut tightens to the point of me needing to bend over. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” It twists as my regret tangles with my fear.
“Well, how did you think I would feel when we say I love you and you leave in the middle of the night? And then you don’t talk to me for a week.”
I’ve never heard him sound like this. Even though we are physically miles apart, there is a distance in his voice that is new. I ache to close it. I want to make it better.
“I know. It was shitty.” I sit down, holding my legs against my chest, trying to keep everything together.
“Why did you do it?”
The line goes quiet as I battle to find something I can say to him. In truth, I shouldn’t have had this conversation until I was in a place to really open up to him.
“I don’t know,” I say, lying to him.
How do I tell him that I need to be the disappointment this time?
“You don’t know?” He doesn’t sound like he believes me, but what choices does he have? He can either call me out and hope I fess up, or just accept what I’m saying.
“Do you think you will be able to move past this? Do you think you will be able to forgive me?” I ask.
The request feels almost manipulative. It’s like I’m putting pressure on him to ignore all my red flags. But I want us to get back to a good place so that I can convince myself that this is all worth it. That loving him is worth the risk.
“Of course, I’ll forgive you. I just want to know what’s going on.”
“Nothing. I just got spooked, that’s all. I love you, and loving someone like this is scary.” At least I can offer him some of the truth. Even if it’s not the big picture, it’s the frame that holds everything else inside.
“I love you, too.” He sighs, and there’s relief in it.
It’s like he heard what he needed to hear to feel okay. But there is no way I can really make this okay for him when it’s not okay for me.
“Farrah wants to do a double date,” I say, reaching for a change in conversation.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, Errol is coming to town and she wants you two to meet.” I feel my chest cracking from all the pressure of my suppressed words.
There is so much I want to tell him, so much he needs to know to really understand me. But if I do that, then there is no turning back. I’m giving him everything and hoping his hands are big enough to hold it all.
“Well, seeing how me and her are best friends, it makes sense for me to meet her husband,” he says.
“Mhm. Just keep believing that you are that close. See how fast she drops you if we break up.”
“Won’t happen since we’re getting married. We will be doubling all of the time.”
Just like that, his words ease all the tension in my gut. My heart calms down, and I can finally breathe easier.
He believes in us so strongly that maybe there is enough for both of us. Maybe he will keep having me shine so bright that it will sweep away all my demons.
“Come over,” I say.
After that night, I fight to keep us in a good place. I’m not fully here or gone, yet I still try to hold him in my life. Meeting up with Farrah and Errol, I hope our date will bring me back to the place I was before I started to spiral. A place where I didn’t fear a future with him.
Errol and Callahan greet each other like they are long-time friends, and it clicks for me that Farrah has probably talked to both of them about each other. It should hopefully make the entire thing go smoothly.
“I saw the movie you two did together. Hot damn, it was impressive,” Callahan says as we sit down.
“Yeah, well, how could it not be with her talent?” Errol is looking at her like she is the entirety of the universe and he is the first person who gets to explore it. In a way, he discovered her heart and marked his territory, making sure that anyone who comes for it knows it’s his.
“It was also him,” Farrah says, grabbing onto his arm.
I feel so out of place in their presence. A month ago, we would have been able to compete with their affection, but now it’s like I’m sitting next to a stranger and pretending that we belong together.
Callahan, always so chatty, blends into the conversation with ease. He talks about cars with Errol, and has the sense to compliment Farrah’s outfit. I can tell already how well we will all get along.
They want to order wine, but Callhan only drinks beer, and I’m still off alcohol until after my last chemo, so we settle for our own separate drinks and some appetizers.
“I have to say, Callahan, that Ireland is really beautiful. I miss the sights already. I could live there.”
“I’m sure it has nothing to do with your co-star.” Errol grumbles, making Farrah’s eyes light up.
“Bet you forgot she would have to kiss other men when you told her to keep acting,” I say.
Farrah met Errol when she worked on the set of a movie as a costume designer. It was his idea for her to take up the role of the lead actress when the other one dropped out. If it weren’t for that, I don’t think they would be sitting here today.
“It’s definitely a downside of her job.”
“Believe me, I don’t enjoy it. I don’t know how it doesn’t look awkward on screen.”
“Because you’re a fabulous actor,” I say.
“If Monty had to kiss another lad, I’d probably fight him.” Callhan flexes his arms. I roll my eyes.
“You don’t even get jealous,” I say.
“Wanting what I have is one thing. Touching it is another.”
“Who says you have me?” I ask, batting my eyelashes.
It’s supposed to be a joke. Another cat and mouse conversation we always have, but he tenses up and looks down.
I want to grab his arm and reassure him, but for some reason, I freeze. Farrah shoots me a look and then quickly changes the subject.
He doesn’t return to his jolly self, and I lose my appetite. Errol and Farrah are doing everything in their power to keep the conversation going.
“You guys have to come see his home in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s the equivalent of the Hamptons for Black people. The history is beautiful.” Farrah can’t help her enthusiasm as she perceives what can possibly be a saving grace for our relationship.
“How about we go after your last chemo appointment? It’s a little chilly, but we have a fire pit on the back patio and for once we have the time.” Errol, seeing her intentions, jumps in as well.
I look at Callahan and see that he is already staring at me. There is a hope in his eyes that is impossible to ignore.
“I think that’s a great idea,” I say, not taking my eyes off his. He releases a breath and offers me a nod and a small smile.
We map out the details and determine that we are going to invite Rowan and Charlie. I don’t know how it’s going to go having him there, but we said we would be friends. And right now, I want to celebrate with everyone that I love. Especially when I am so close to losing one of them.