17. Shadow
SHADOW
I exhaled and stared into Sirena’s colorful eyes.
I had no clue what to do with my hands. Honestly, I was grateful she’d taken the initiative and helped me out. The issue wasn’t just my nervousness, although that was a factor. The problem was that I didn’t know what was allowed and what wasn’t. I was sure Church had laid out rules for her, and the last thing I wanted was to get my guts torn out again just because I’d done the wrong thing.
But now what?
I swallowed hard as I stared into her eyes.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted softly. “I like having you on my lap, though.”
Her eyes lit up a little at my words, relaxing me further.
Nervously, I let my hands trail to her bare thighs, where I gently rubbed them up and down, my heart pounding a thundering rhythm as she shifted closer on my lap.
Fuck, how long had I dreamed of touching her?
Easy.
Since the moment I first saw her in the office all those months ago.
I closed my eyes as I continued to feel her silky skin beneath my palms. My breath was shaky, but fuck, I wanted this like I wanted my next breath. Like I wanted her .
I wanted to ask her if I could touch more of her, but I decided against it. I was sure the Watchers never asked for permission. They took what they wanted. Church said I wasn’t good enough to join them.
He didn’t know shit about me.
Fuck it. I was going to shoot my shot.
I opened my eyes to find her still watching me. Cautiously, I allowed my hands to move beneath her short skirt. I licked my lips as I tried to steady my breathing so I didn’t look like a complete fucking twerp.
I’d touched girls before. I’d kissed them. They’d touched me.
But this? With someone my heart pounded for? It was different.
My fingers met the cleft of her perfect ass. Breathing out, I gripped her tightly and tugged her closer to me.
She let out a gasp at my boldness, blinking her big, colorful eyes at me.
I pulled a hand out from under her skirt and cradled her face.
“Can I kiss you?” I whispered.
Her brows crinkled, and the sparkle in her eyes dulled.
Looked like I found the line Church had drawn. I accepted that. She wasn’t my girl. In fact, this whole evening might get me killed. I could imagine the look on Church and Stitches’s faces if they knew their girl was on my lap and I was gripping her pert little asscheek.
Ashes might be a little more forgiving, but I knew what they’d done to Sin, so I was sure he’d still beat my ass along with the other two. Sin would probably grant me grace because he’d been in my position before.
At least, I hoped he’d give me a little grace.
“I won’t tell,” I murmured. I replayed her kiss from the cemetery over and over in my damn head every day since.
“Bryce…” her voice was a sweet, delicate whisper.
I closed my eyes at hearing it, my heart swelling.
“Call me Shadow,” I answered back softly as I opened my eyes. “Please?”
“Shadow,” she repeated softly. “My Shadow.”
God, that sounded so good.
“Yours,” I murmured. “Yours, Sirena. I’m yours, baby. Tell me what you want from me, and I’ll give you everything.” I knew I probably sounded desperate, but damn, I was.
She didn’t say another word. Instead, she leaned in, her lips a fraction from mine.
Torture. Pure, fucking torture.
“You tease me so good,” I whispered, my hand still on her ass. “What do I have to do to end this torture, cupcake? Huh? What words do you need from me? What actions?”
“Truth,” she whispered back. “You.”
I knew what she was asking of me. She wanted to know my actual story. I hated telling it, but I would. For her, I’d do it.
“It’s ugly,” I said. “Are you sure? I-I don’t want you to hate me after hearing it.”
She shifted off my lap, deflating my heart, but moments later, she was taking my hand and pulling me down onto my mattress next to her and staring into my eyes.
She twined her fingers with mine and studied me, waiting for my words.
“I’ll start at the beginning,” I said softly. I blew out a steadying breath. “My name is Bryce Theodore Andrews. I was born in Chicago almost twenty years ago. A Thursday night, actually. A full moon. My mother cursed my father’s name as I came screaming into this world.”
I paused and brushed a strand of her dark hair away from her face before continuing.
“My mother tried to bottle feed me, but it hurt my stomach. I’d scream for hours from the pain,” I said. “I had no way to tell her that because I was only an infant.”
Her brows crinkled at me in confusion.
I gave her a sad smile. “We all have superpowers here. Dante with his knives and authority. Stitches with his violence and anger. Ashes with his flames. Sin with his devotion. Asylum and Mirage with the voices. You with the silence and beauty. The resilience. And me.” I licked my lips. “I have something called hyperthymesia. I can remember my life in great, vivid detail. Even my birth.”
She widened her eyes at me. Her lips parted. I longed to kiss her, but I restrained myself. She needed to hear my story.
“Some people refer to it as an eidetic memory. I’m an exceptionally rare case; in fact, I’m the only one in recorded human history with this specific type. With this much recall. There isn’t a single thing I can’t remember. I just need to see something, and every minute detail becomes embedded in my head for eternity.”
She gazed at me in awe. I grasped her hand once more and examined her slender fingers.
“I remember my first breath. I remember the way you smelled the day I met you. I remember the fear in your eyes. Exactly where the fucking sun was positioned in the sky as we walked through campus together. How you tightened your hands into fists. That it took you eighty-four steps to cross the small bridge over Pinecone Creek on campus. That at two oh six in the afternoon on August twenty-seventh, you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and smiled at me. That on October 12th, you were afraid of Dante. I remember the first time you brushed your hand against mine. I remember the butterflies dancing against the flowers outside the commons when you did it. Three of them. Late in the season, but there they were. I remember you were wearing cherry lip gloss. I’d watched you apply it by your locker. You tucked it into that tiny little black bag where you keep your art pencils. You also keep one in your backpack in the side pocket.” I exhaled again. “My point is, and I know I’m not doing a good job of it, that I remember everything. Not just the things I’ve told you. I know the temperature for any given day throughout my life. I know what my mother wore on November 6th, 2015. Gray dress pants, pink heels, and a black button-down. She had her hair in a bun. I can even tell you what she said at six-oh-nine PM. Bryce, don’t tell your father about your day. It upsets him when you recount every detail . Just be normal. ” I winced at the memory.
She continued to watch me, her face filled with amazement. No one had ever looked at me that way, and it melted my heart. Everyone always thought I was a freak. I learned to keep that part of who I was hidden so I could get through life more easily.
I scooted closer to her.
“Everett Church learned about my abilities, if you want to call them that. He visited a few times, an old college friend of my father’s, but it was when my friend kissed me that it became too much for my father. He was already teetering on the edge, dealing with a freak for a son. You see, my brother was his pride and joy. While I love my brother, we are just so different. I was a disappointment to our father. It hurt at first, but I’m over it now. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
She reached out and gently traced my lips with her fingers. I closed my eyes, relishing her touch.
“My father sold me to Everett a few years ago. I assume he paid good money for me. In the summers, I don’t return home. I go to the Underground. I work for Everett. He sends me out to do things for him. It’s mostly just watching. Asylum has always known what I do. I don’t spend a lot of time down there. I’m mostly out doing Everett’s bidding. And when I’m not, he-he sells me to the highest bidder.” The words burned my tongue, and I squeezed my eyelids closed, wishing to hell I could tear the ugly memories from my head. “I remember everything, Sirena. The way they touched me. How they moaned as they came on my body. I fucking hate it. I hate that it’s lodged away inside my head for eternity. It’s the worst kind of torture. It’s the fucking sickest. And he knows that. Everett fucking knows, and he makes me do it anyway. I’m desperate to live. I want to be normal. Fall in love. Have a family. He knows that, too, and he uses that desire to keep me alive. He’s told me he’ll kill me if I don’t do what they want. So I do it. I let them do what they need to do to me to get off and leave me alone.” A tear dripped down my cheek.
Sirena reached out and gently wiped it away for me.
“Asylum isn’t lying. I am a virgin. I’ve never slept with anyone before,” I continued softly. “No one has fucked me. I’ve never fucked them. I think it’s just another form of torture. A way to break me down. Everett’s really good at psychological stuff. Look at Dante and Malachi.” I chewed my bottom lip for a moment. “But I’m grateful it’s the one part of me I still have. It’s a part I get to control. I’ve been waiting for someone I love to do it with.” I stared into her eyes. “I’m fucked up, Sirena. I don’t want to be, but I am.”
She shook her head. “No. No. You’re perfect.”
I closed my eyes at her words and smiled sadly. “I wish I were.”
Her warm hand pressed against my chest. I opened my eyes to study her pretty face.
“I’ve always done Everett’s bidding. I followed the rules, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I know what I want.” I leaned in closer to her. “I want you, Sirena. I fucking want you any way I can have you. I’ll do anything. I can be a Watcher. I swear I’m strong enough?—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence because she closed the space between us and pressed her soft lips against mine.
I was fucking done for.
I fell into the kiss, parting my lips for her.
This kiss was different from the one at the cemetery. That one was made of adrenaline and excitement, while this one was made of love and desire—at least, that’s how I interpreted it.
Purple sundress. Black bra. Cherry lip gloss. Seven eighteen. Asylum’s room. My bed. Gray sheets. She’s wearing coconut and lavender perfume. She tastes like heaven. There’s a spider in the corner of the room.
I slid my tongue against hers, deepening the kiss. I reached out and pulled her closer until our bodies were smashed against one another. She raked her fingers through my curls, making me groan softly against her lips. I loved how she touched me. She was so gentle and sweet, not rough like the monsters in the Underground.
My dick was so hard in my pants. I rubbed against her as a way to ease the ache. Her breath caught, making the ache stronger.
I wasn’t a complete novice about sex. I’d been in many situations over the years and never forgot a damn thing. I’d watched her with Dante and the guys. I knew the shit they did with her. I was a shadow, after all.
But fuck, I was going to blow it all to hell right in my pants.
She pushed back against me, making me groan. Her tongue slipped against mine. Her fingers brushed against the button on my pants as she opened it and pulled the zipper down. My cock was peeking its head out of the top of my boxers.
With my mouth still on hers, I shifted her closer, practically pulling her on top of me.
It was my worst idea ever.
I found out only moments later when her hand brushed over the bulge in my pants.
No. No. NO! Fuck.
I came with a soft groan in her mouth, my body shaking through the pleasure. My breathing picked up.
God. DAMNIT.
I could feel how fucking red my face was as I broke the kiss off.
It took her a moment to catch on, but I could see it dawn on her pretty face. Her eyes widened in surprise as she took in the mess on my stomach and the dark spot on my white boxers.
“Fuck,” I muttered thickly. “I-I’m so fucking sorry, Sirena.”
I crawled over her on the bed, humiliated out of my fucking mind, and went to the bathroom to clean up.
My face was beet red in the mirror. I forced myself to look away as I tried to clean the mess I’d made.
“Idiot,” I muttered to myself as I wiped everything up. “Fucking goddamn idiot. ”
A soft knock sounded out on the door. Quickly, I tucked myself away and did up my pants before answering the door.
“Hey,” I said, my voice shaking. “I-I’m sorry about that. I just…” My voice trailed off as I looked her over.
Fucking hell. I’d marked her dress even.
“Come here.” I opened the door further and let her come into the room with me. “I got it on you. God, I’m so sorry.”
I pulled her closer and tried to wash the come stain out of her dress, but all I succeeded in doing was making a bigger mess.
My hands shook the entire time.
“Damnit.” I swallowed hard. “Sirena, I’m so sorry. You look so pretty tonight, too. I ruined everything?—”
She pressed her finger to my lips to silence me.
I nodded as she let her hand slip back to her side.
“I have something you can wear. I’ll get it.” I stepped past her and went into the bedroom area, berating myself silently the entire time, and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt from my drawer. I returned to her and nearly came again. She was standing in the bathroom with her dress pooled on the floor at her feet and only in her black bra and panties.
“Wow. Uh, damn,” I murmured, drinking her in. “Fuck, Sirena. You’re beautiful.” I handed her the clothes, my breathing coming fast. I really needed to get my shit together.
The door to the dorm opened, and I glanced out to see Asylum entering with a box of pizza and breadsticks.
He placed them on his bed before coming to peer over my shoulder.
“Mm, what do we have here?” He pushed past me and went to Sirena.
I hated how fucking brave he was. Nothing bothered him. He was always ready to take over the damn world. I watched helplessly as he went to her, lifted her easily onto the sink, and stared down at her as he caged her between his arms.
“I'll assume you'll give me the same treatment you gave him,” he said, smiling down at her. “Right?”
She stared up at him for a moment before casting her eyes down. He reached out and tilted her chin up.
“Give it or I’ll take it. And if anyone asks, you fucking tell them it belonged to us first.” He tapped his head.
She licked her lips, and that was it.
He closed the space between them and kissed her deeply.
I continued to watch, my dick back to being painfully hard in my pants as his hands roamed along her small body, taking in every dip and curve.
Asylum knew how to touch her. She even moaned softly against his lips, provoking a growl from him. I memorized every detail of his actions so I could please her like that someday.
At least I was fucking good at something.