21. Sirena
SIRENA
I wasn’t going to put up with Sin’s withdrawing. I’d gone silent again after everything in the living room, but it had been almost two weeks since it happened, and Sin was never around. He avoided me and the guys. He left early. He came home late. In fact, I was sure he was doing it through his bedroom window, which was why I was creeping around outside his window at midnight on a Friday night while Cady and the guys were burning. I was supposed to be with Asylum, but he’d given me a knowing look without me saying a word and had walked me back an hour ago to wait for Sin.
I could feel Asylum nearby, lurking in the darkness with Shadow. He and I hadn’t gotten close again since the night in their dorm. He’d gone back to being his normal self, and I was giving him the space after he’d gotten a bit too excited.
I also hadn’t told the guys what I’d done with Shadow and Asylum, but I knew it was fine since I was given permission. It still didn’t feel right, so maybe that was another reason why I hadn’t pushed to pursue more. I enjoyed just hanging out with him, which was rare. Church made it that way on purpose, but I understood. Again, I didn’t want to push it.
I hid in a small grove of trees outside Sin’s bedroom and waited. It was cold, but I had on my jacket. I’d endure if it meant I got to see him. Even at night, he locked his bedroom door. He even avoided Cady. And she avoided him.
He came into view on the road a few moments later. The moment he reached his window, I stepped out and blocked him. He blinked down at me in surprise, his breath puffing out in a white cloud.
“Sirena? What are you doing out here? It’s after midnight.”
I said nothing as I stared up at him.
He sighed and looked past me to his window. “Let’s go inside.”
He nodded for me to follow him to the front door, but I stood my ground as he took a few steps away from me. He stopped and turned back.
“Come on,” he pleaded softly. “Church will kill us both if you’re out here in the cold.”
When I didn’t move, he returned to me, a pained expression on his face.
“Babe—Sirena. Come inside. Please.”
I shook my head at him and looked to the window.
He scrubbed his hand down his face and sighed before nodding. He went to the window and slid it open before putting his hands on my waist and lifting me easily into it. I crawled through and back away, waiting for him. A moment later, he came in, closing the window behind him.
I took off my jacket and sat on his bed. He glanced at me and cleared his throat as he tossed his hat and jacket aside.
I watched him pace for a moment, wishing I could just get myself together enough to have a goddamn conversation. I hated how my voice ebbed and flowed at its own will. It was really giving me issues.
I rooted around in the pocket on my jacket and pulled out the small notepad and pen I’d grabbed and scribbled on it before handing it to him.
Talk to me. Please.
He paused for a moment before looking at me. I expected him to take the pen and write back, but instead, he spoke.
“We do need to talk,” he said softly.
I swallowed hard and slid over so he could sit beside me.
“The guys told me you forgave Cady,” he started softly. “Or said she didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re right. She didn’t. It was me. I-I forced her.”
I noticed some cuts and bruises on his hands and arms. It made the nausea and fear grow. He’d beaten himself every day when he was exiled as a means to punish. I was terrified he was doing it again.
I scribbled on the pad again.
To save me.
“Yeah, to save you,” he said thickly. “I was so drugged, Sirena. I should have been able to beat Adam’s ass, but I could barely see straight. I-I couldn’t even get my fucking dick up.”
I winced at his words as he shook his head.
“I’m struggling, OK? I am. I’m not the guy who cheats on his girl, and I know you don’t think that,” he rushed on as I began to scribble again. “But listen. It was an ugly fucking situation. It’s haunting me. It’s fucking eating me alive inside to know I’ve fucked your sister. God, it’s disgusting. I fucking came inside her,” he snarled, tugging at his hair.
I winced at his words, my stomach twisting.
“Sirena, I-I can’t, OK? I can’t even look at you after it. I did it to save you, and I guess in some fucked up way it worked, but I lost myself. The truth is, I love you so much it’s blinding me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. It’s all-consuming.” He blew out a breath. “But I can’t fucking look at you after what I did. I-I hate myself for-for getting off. For it feeling good. Fuck, I disgust myself even talking about it. My head was so fucked. I don’t even know if those emotions were mine or the drugs.” He shook his head and wiped his eyes. “I just… I can’t with you, OK? It’s fucking killing me inside too. God, it’s killing me.”
I reached for his hand, but he jerked away from me.
“Don’t. Don’t touch me. I-I…” A look of pain crossed his handsome features as he stared back at me. “You deserve someone better than me. I knew it in the beginning, but I was so…so… captivated by you. You were written in the stars for me, but I can’t do this. It’s hurting so fucking much, but I can’t, Sirena. I just can’t. I can’t even look at you without thinking about what I did…The guilt. It’s fucking eating me up inside. I never want to hurt people you love.” His body shook as he cried softly. “I-I’m calling it.”
I tensed at his words.
“I-I’ll move into the dorms. I don’t want to intrude on things here. I’ll go tomorrow,” he murmured. “After I talk to the guys.”
I got to my feet, my breathing fast.
He was breaking up with me.
He was going to tear us apart. I didn’t care about what he’d done. I understood it. I accepted it. I’d have done it for him, too. My heart was shattering, and I couldn’t hold all the pieces together.
“I’m sorry. I love you more than anything in this world, but I-I can’t. I need to get my head sorted. I’m not in a good headspace to be with anyone right now.” He sniffled and stared at the floor.
I inhaled and steadied myself. Instead of going to him and shaking him violently, I simply stepped out of the room and went to Church’s bedroom, where I lay in his bed, my mind racing. Sin was here before I was. It was my involvement that ruined everything for the Watchers. They had lives that were good before me.
And because my involvement put us here, it was my involvement that will take us out of here.
I owed them that much.
* * *
I woke the following morning and carefully dressed before going downstairs to see the guys sitting in the living room. It didn’t take a genius to know Sin was telling them he broke up with me and would be moving out.
“Cady is leaving. Not fucking you,” Stitches snapped at Sin. “You can’t handle being in a fucking room with her? Fine. I can’t handle it either because she pisses me the fuck off, but you are not fucking leaving us, Sinclair. We’ve always been the four of us, and now we have Sirena. WE have Sirena. You’re not breaking up. I’m putting my foot down. My answer is no. You fucking go to her and apologize and tell her you had a moment of supreme stupidity and didn’t mean any of it.”
They hadn’t even noticed I’d walked into the room.
“Cady will leave. You will stay. That’s final,” Church said evenly.
“I broke up with Sirena last night. It’s done,” Sin said in a shaky voice. “I can’t fucking stay here?—”
Church threw something at the wall and swore loudly.
I placed my suitcase on the floor, and Ashes snapped his attention in my direction.
“Hey, baby,” he greeted me, a shaky smile on his face. “Um, let me get you some breakfast—” He got to his feet and stopped in his tracks as his eyes zeroed in on my suitcase.
“What’s going on? What are you doing?” he demanded, taking a step toward me. “Sirena?”
Everyone looked at me. I stared back at them, my heart aching. Cady needed them. She couldn’t be on her own. She needed to be protected. She cried every night, even though she didn’t think I could hear her. She barely ate. She barely spoke. She needed their protection more than I did, and I loved her and Sin enough to give them both space.
There was a loud knock on the door, and Church let out a snarl. Stitches got up, a panicked look on his face, before pulling open the door. Asylum stood in the doorway.
“Now really isn’t a good fucking time,” Stitches said to him.
“Oh, I beg to differ,” Asylum answered, stepping past him. “I’m just the reaper, here to collect.”
Stitches frowned as Asylum moved to my side and picked up my suitcase. I hadn’t spoken to him to tell him I was coming, but he seemed to know.
Typical.
I didn’t hate it.
“What the fuck is going on?” Church demanded.
Asylum looked at me and cocked his head to the left.
“I’ll tell them,” he murmured. I gave him a grateful smile, knowing that even if I could find the words, my heartbreak and tears would keep me from getting through what I had to say.
“Sirena will be leaving immediately. I’ve made the necessary arrangements for her to stay with me while she works through her own things. She has decided…” he looked at me and cocked his head left again, a faraway look in his eyes. He finally nodded and addressed the guys again. “She has decided that she was here last, and because she was not originally part of the Watchers, it is in her best interest to leave so that your lives can remain intact and you all together as it always was.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Church shouted.
Stitches stepped away from the door, panic on his face. Ashes’s hand went wild as he flipped the lid on his lighter open and closed on repeat. And Sin… he simply stared, horrified at me.
“It means she’s stepping away. I believe it’s what’s referred to as a breakup,” Asylum said calmly.
Church moved like lightning. One moment, there was a couch between us, and the next, he had me shoved against the wall, his hand gripping my face painfully.
“You are not fucking leaving me,” he rasped. “You want out? Then you fucking die to get it, but you aren’t walking out that fucking door on me. You fucking promised me. You promised .”
I tried to push him off, but he slammed me back against the wall.
“No,” he said, his voice cracking. “Don’t do this. Don’t force my hand…not like this, Sirena. I don’t want to hurt you…please don’t make me.”
I reached out and cradled his face. He closed his eyes, a tear slipping past his long lashes.
“I have work to do,” I whispered softly, my voice trembling. “Let me.”
He opened his eyes and stared into mine, his bottom lip wobbling.
I dragged him in and kissed his soft lips. He didn’t take control of me like he usually did. Instead, he allowed me to lead us. After a moment, I pulled away from him and stared into his eyes.
“I have to do this for us. Take care of Sin. Take care of my sister. They both need you right now. If anything happens to them, I’ll die. Promise me. I need this, Dante. Please. Let me go… find myself. It’s the best time for it to happen. I’ll come back once things are better. Promise me you’ll take care of my sister. Please.”
He let out a shaky breath and nodded.
“I promise. You swear to me you’ll come back?” he asked, his voice trembling with his words.
“I will always come back to you,” I whispered.
He closed his eyes again before breathing out once more. His grip on my body lessened before his touch fell away completely, and he stepped back.
We stared at one another for a moment. Everything in his eyes told me what I needed to know. He trusted me. He believed I knew what was best.
I stepped past him, Asylum following me.
“Sirena?” Ashes choked out as I walked to the door. I gave him a sad smile.
Stitches caught my hand and stopped me.
“Are you really doing this? You’re leaving us?” he whispered.
I hooked my pinky with his and brought our hands to my lips, where I pressed a kiss to our joined digits.
“Take care of Sinful while I’m gone,” I murmured.
He visibly swallowed but nodded wordlessly for me before I released his hand. I pulled open the door, but not before I looked back at Sin, who was now on his feet and staring at me. So many emotions crossed his face as we locked eyes.
I hoped he knew I would do anything for him.
This was me proving that.
I turned away from him and walked out the door, Asylum following.
“I got you a hatchet,” he said calmly as we walked. “I thought we might start practicing with it.”
I smiled at that, allowing my monster to peek its head out.
“Perfect,” I said, really fucking meaning it.