Chapter 9 Carry Me Through #2
‘…didn’t deserve any of this. I’ll never let it happen to you again…’
‘…I’m here, shhhhhh. I’m here. You’re safe.’
The water turned off and I lifted my head, blinking, realizing I was seated in the bottom of the bath, naked, my arms wrapped around my knees and Donavyn gathering me in.
“I can walk, don’t have to—”
“Hush. I need to tell you something.”
He picked me up, carried me at his broad chest, stepped out of the bath and lowered me to a small stool, then grabbed the thick towel that was the size of a small blanket, and began to gently rub my limbs as he knelt in front of me, his gaze sliding back and forth between where he dried me, and my eyes.
“My first battle,” he said in a low voice, “was… thrilling. Until the dragons began to scream.” He swallowed hard and I felt the clench in him.
The brace against pain. I sat up straighter, reaching for him, but he caught my hands in the towel and shook his head, his eyes locked on mine until I relaxed again, then he went back to his task and continued speaking.
“I lost a dear friend that day—and the dragon lost his Pair. I’d never felt anything like it—as if a part of me had been hollowed out.
At first, I just kept going. I was commended in the weeks after that battle.
As a Wing Lieutenant, I gathered my squad and assisted my Captain and…
I did all the things I was supposed to. But every hour this piece of me seemed to yawn wider.
Until one day, weeks later, someone made a joke at my friend’s expense—an exchange he would have heartily enjoyed if he’d been there—but I snapped.
I had the brother against a wall and bleeding before I was even aware I’d moved.
Kgosi was… not pleased. And my Wing Captain was forced to discipline me. ”
He had both arms around me, drying my back and he stopped suddenly, his eyes unfocused, his expression empty. “At least, that’s what I thought at the time.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant, but he cleared his throat and stood to step around me, drawing my hair back and wrapping it in the towel as he continued the tale.
“He took me off patrols for a week. Had the Furymaster tell Kgosi that I was grounded, and wasn’t to fly until I’d cried. Though he didn’t use those words with me.”
I blinked and tried to turn to look at him over my shoulder. “Until you’d cried?”
“I thought he was humiliating me,” Donavyn said in a low rasp, holding my hair and twisting it, stopping me from turning as he turned the towel into a turban on my head.
“I was furious. I had no idea the gift he’d given me.
It took me four days to let go of the anger, and just weep.
And honestly, in the middle of it, I thought I was losing my mind.
I thought I’d never draw a clear breath again. ”
He tucked the end of the towel underneath to keep it in place, then moved around to stand between my knees and squatted, putting himself lower than me. He stared up at me, his warm eyes pleading and firm and… difficult to read.
“Bren, if you don’t talk about this, if you make yourself stay angry, it will eat you alive.
The dragons can help. God will always listen.
But I need you to know, I will too. What happened to you…
that would break any man. No matter how strong he was.
Facing the man who did that to you…” he shuddered and his eyes closed, his brow lining and he dropped his chin for a moment, blowing out a breath before lifting his head to look at me again, his eyes clear again.
“Tell me,” he whispered.
“Tell you what?”
“What he did.”
I huffed. “I already told you, Donavyn, there’s nothing else—”
“No. Tonight. He left bruises on you.” His teeth clenched for a moment and I felt the jolt of rage shudder through him.
“I didn’t know… I’m so sorry I didn’t get there in time.
I’m so sorry, Bren. But I was with the king when Kgosi reached me.
It took half an hour just to get out of the castle, then I had to harness Kgosi, and we were slowed by having to track you both…
then Akhane told us who you’d found, and I was losing my mind.
I thought… But it doesn’t matter what I thought.
I couldn’t reach you in your mind. I thought I was too far away at first, but even outside the inn, I couldn’t reach you, despite being able to sense you there.
You closed me out. And now I see…” He trailed off, his hands slipping down my thighs to my ankle which he took gently in his calloused hands and turned so that the bruise was revealed to the light.
I tensed, and he placed his palm over it. “Tell me. No matter how bad it is, no matter what he did… tell me what he said. How he hurt you. Tell me. Share it with me. Let me carry some of it for you.” Then he met my eyes again. “Please.”
“But—”
“Bren, when my friend died, I carried that grief like bad food in my gut—but I got everything done just fine. Until I had to stop. A soldier’s strength isn’t in bearing everything alone.
It’s in holding it aside until it’s safe to exorcise the demon of it.
You’re safe now. I’ll stand guard. You can fall apart.
And it will feel like you’re losing yourself.
But then you’ll have it out, and then you’ll calm, and we’ll keep working. ”
“But—”
He shook his head, and his grip tightened on my hand. “If you truly want to overcome the fear. If you want to break the control he’s got over your body, you can only do that by speaking the truth. And reminding yourself you lived.”
I stared at him, my stomach sinking. I didn’t want to talk about it. That would bring it all back again. But I couldn’t make those words come out. The way he looked at me…
I swallowed, then broke his grip on me and cupped his face, leaning forward to kiss him slowly. When I pulled back, my sight was blurred again and I had to whisper because my voice didn’t want to work.
“I’ll tell you, on one condition.”
“Anything.”
“You tell me yours, too.”
His eyes widened and for a moment I thought he’d deny me. He opened his mouth and closed it again, twice. But then finally he cleared his throat and nodded. “You have my word,” he rasped.
I blew out a breath and threw my arms around his neck as he gathered me in, picked me up, carried me out of the bathing room, through the sitting area, and into the bedchamber.
Then he laid me down, crawled into the bed with me, wrapped me in his arms, tucked my head under his chin, and urged me to speak.
And I did.
And I told him everything.
The fear.
The defeat when I thought Carnage would flame us.
The confusion when he left.
The relief when I’d thought Donavyn had come for me, that crashed immediately into despair when it was Ruin who slipped in the door. Like the ghost of my past that would never leave.
Donavyn’s grip tightened on me for a long time after that. But now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop, so I kept whispering, my lips against the skin of his neck.
The mocking laughter.
The surprise at my skill—and the admiration. And how terrified I felt when his eyes began to gleam.
I’d seen them gleam that way before. I knew what it meant.
And then I fought. But he won.
I clambered away, but he pulled me back.
I tried to hurt him, but he stopped me.
If I hadn’t had a blade…
“But you did. And even if you hadn’t, you have me. I’m a weapon for you, too, Bren.”
I blinked back to the present at his words to find myself laying in Donavyn’s arms, trembling, my cheeks wet with tears. Yet, that yawning chasm in my chest eased closed, pressed by his embrace.
“Y-you are,” I whispered and kissed his chest, fresh tears trickling down my cheeks at the memories of his sudden salvation. The hope that rose in me when he appeared.
And the fear when it looked like he might actually kill Ruin in that chair.
The thought made me tense. I’d stopped talking because I’d already told him the worst of what happened. But now… now it was his turn.
He continued stroking my back and wet hair for a long minute. “What next?”
“You saved me. You f-fought him. You won. And then you almost k-killed him.”
Donavyn nodded and sighed.
“I feel like I might not lose my mind now. So, that means it’s your turn,” I whispered.