Chapter 10 Atlas
SOUNDTRACK: In the Air Tonight by Sons of Legion
~ DONAVYN ~
‘Your mate wisely calls you to heed your own advice, Donavyn.’ Kgosi urged.
He’d settled close to the castle to be available tonight.
I almost snapped back, but I swallowed the temptation, because I knew he was right.
I’d given her advice, knowing it was right and true, because I’d lived it.
That meant that I now needed to take it.
She’d told me everything that happened in that room before I arrived, and the only thing I wanted more than to leave and hunt that fucker down, was to make her feel safe.
‘And therein lies your problem, Donavyn. Because you cannot seek vengeance and make her safe in the same step. So, which will it be?’
I took a deep breath. Bren burrowed deeper under my chin, clinging harder—but now the cord that linked us flowed with comfort and reassurance from her.
“You don’t need to comfort me. You’ve been through enough,” I muttered in her ear.
“You’re helping me. I want to help you, too.
” Her voice was muffled under my neck. I almost growled when she pulled her head back, but she didn’t roll away.
Just looked up at me, her damp hair messy, cheeks pink where she’d been snuggled next to my skin.
“Tell me,” she said solemnly, her eyes still red from her own tears.
I sensed Kgosi’s urging, and tried not to fight it. I had no desire to burden her further, but…
“I’m afraid of the part of me that felt satisfied by hurting him,” I muttered grimly.
She inhaled slowly like she was afraid and I almost stopped. But that sense of Kgosi, behind me, pushing me forward became sharp.
I swallowed hard. “When I found him… pinning you like that… Bren, if I’d had a weapon in my hand, he’d be dead. I know I promised you, but I didn’t think. It was in me to remove him from this world. And it’s only by the grace of God that I was forced to fight him instead.”
She nodded and shook her head in response when I spoke, tightened her arms around me, and clung, or stroked my back. But she didn’t speak.
Her heart, Kgosi’s heart, even Akhane in there somewhere… I could sense all of them urging me forward. And for the first time, I stopped fighting it.
“He stole from you,” I said darkly, my voice rough with emotion and anger. “And that stole from me.”
Bren’s breath rushed out of her. “I don’t think I can, either.”
‘You will both heal and find your hearts again. Forgiveness does not excuse the offense, it only rejects the poison it feeds into you,’ Kgosi insisted.
I shared that with Bren and to my surprise, she softened in my arms. “I’d do anything not to carry him with me anymore,” she whispered.
My anger rushed into the void that left, but for the first time, I caught it myself. I heard Kgosi’s approving rumble in my head, and I took a moment to turn that over, to look at it from all angles.
Why was I, who so firmly believed that anger was only useful in defense of the innocent, or the weak, so ready to fan the flames of my own rage when it came to Ruin?
Because I’d led him in honor, and he shat on that… and on her. She was innocent in this, and I desperately wanted to protect her.
‘Is that truly it, Donavyn? Is that the deepest desire of your heart?’
‘The fact that you ask me that implies you don’t believe it is.’
‘I know you truly desire to protect her. But that is the good in you that has always existed. It’s only expanded in the presence of your mate. Yet, that righteous anger is controlled. Measured. Wise. Your rage… it is not wise, Donavyn.’
I couldn’t deny that truth, but a trickle of unease slid down my spine when I looked at it, because it suddenly felt as if something might shift under me.
‘Why?’
I frowned. That was the question. Why did letting go of rage and revenge feel uneasy to me? I was not deceived about the place of discipline in the world—and the need for a man of integrity to be willing to walk through a process, rather than leap to his own purposes whenever it suited him.
Why was I so ready to forgo what I knew to be right and good in this?
The answer was surprisingly easy to find once I asked myself the question.
Because he’d betrayed me.
He’d disrespected me.
He’d taken skills I’d taught him in good faith, and used them against someone I loved.
And I was so deeply offended by that, I wanted to make him pay.
For what he’d done to me.
God, the thought was disgusting. Prideful. Selfish. Nothing in the face of what she’d endured at his hands. I was embarrassed to have had it, and my first instinct was to deny it, to bury it, to tell myself and no one else that it ever existed.
But I felt Kgosi, his eyes on me in the bond. His heart nudging me. Urging me. And I knew he’d heard the thought already.
I could be a child and deny it. Protect my own pride. Or I could release it. Let her share my vulnerability, as she’d just shared hers.
I knew the right answer.
Knew I had to do it.
And despised the thought.
“Donavyn, what’s wrong?” she whispered against my neck where she’d buried her face again. “You’re in turmoil. I can feel it.”
“I just realized something about myself, of which I am not proud,” I muttered.
“Tell me. I’ll still love you.”
She offered that like reflex. No hesitation. And it sent me into freefall. Dear God, she was incredible.
‘She was Chosen for you. And she is magnificent,’ Kgosi sent proudly. I felt his pride and admiration of Akhane, as well. And something inside my chest crumbled.
I wanted that. The sweet, warm pride. The soft surety. The strength that wasn’t angry.
My dragon had it in spades. He’d always shown me that patience, coupled with an unwavering call to integrity and…
I inhaled sharply as I suddenly, fully, saw myself in his eyes.
And then I looked down at Bren, staring up at me with reddened, worried eyes, and I saw her, too.
And realized just how close I had come to abandoning her to my rage. To the indulgence of my spite.
I could have left her alone—to deal with this shit—just so I’d have the satisfaction of sending shards of Ruin’s nose bones into his skull with my fist.
Dear God… what had I been thinking?
“Donavyn? What’s… what’s happened?”
Trembling, suddenly struggling to breathe, I rolled onto my back, though I didn’t let her go. But I had to take a moment. Had to think. Had to accommodate this new truth about myself.
“I just… I just understood something important,” I managed gruffly.
Bren moved with me, snuggling into my side, her head on my shoulder, her arm across my chest. I felt her gaze on the side of my face. “Tell me.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Her head jerked back a little. “Sorry for what?”
“I wasn’t seeing clearly. I didn’t… I didn’t think it through. I was focused on how angry I was. I wanted to protect you—but I just realized… I wanted to soothe my own pride even more.”
“With Ruin?” she said, her voice hitching on his name.
I nodded and turned my head to stare her straight in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, Bren. I… I don’t know why I’ve been so blind to this.
Kgosi’s been trying to get through to me for weeks and I just…
I couldn’t let it go. But I think I can…
I think I can find a balance for it if I’m just honest with myself. ”
Her brows pinched together. “What kind of balance?”
I rolled my jaw and looked at the ceiling again to try and organize my thoughts.
My heart smarted, my pride still wanted to retreat.
I didn’t want to admit that I’d been more concerned with my own offense than hers.
But it was becoming clear that’s exactly what I’d done—why I wouldn’t give it up, even when she begged me to.
“I think… I’ll never cease being angry with him,” I said honestly, feeling Kgosi’s rising hope in the bond. “But… but I can suddenly see what’s more important.”
“What is it?”
“You,” I breathed and looked at her again. “Us. And Kgosi and Akhane. The four of us. Our bond. This… this unity we have. I’ve been the one making us stumble. I’ve been the unstable one.” That hurt to say. I was used to being the strong one. The leader. The one who knew the way.
But I’d ignored the wisdom of my dragon, the urging of my conscience, and in the end, my mate’s pleading.
All for my pride?
I rubbed my face, shaking my head. “I was blind.” I swallowed.
“I won’t do it again, Bren. I hear you now.
I won’t… I won’t leave you to that. I won’t leave you alone for that.
I will do everything in my power—bend the ear of the king and queen, bring accusation and evidence and every power of persuasion God gave me.
I will convict this bastard if I can. But I won’t…
I won’t take his life in my hands until or unless it’s unavoidable.
I won’t pursue repayment for myself anymore. You have my word.”
She stared at me and I felt both the rise of hope in her, as well as the shakiness.
“Say it,” I said, bracing to hear it. “Why do you feel uneasy when I say that?”
“Because you’ve given me your word on this more than once,” she whispered. “I believe you, Donavyn. I always want to believe you. But I saw the way you—”
“I know. And I won’t—I mean, of course I will. If it takes killing him to keep you safe, or the kingdom, I will do it without second thought. But I won’t… unleash myself on him again. I see it now, Bren. I do. Even Kgosi approves.”
She hesitated, then gave a small smile. “Akhane says Kgosi is finally sure of you… and that it took long enough.”
I huffed. ‘Couldn’t even give me a little grace?’ It was mostly a joke—we both knew he’d given me a great deal since the day we met. And yet, this was needling.
‘The best cure for pride is humility, Donavyn. I will always serve you by providing it. You have my word,’ he said with mock-gravity that would have made me roll my eyes if I wasn’t so shaky.
How was it that I’d been so blind to my selfishness in that rage?
‘Forgiving oneself is as crucial as forgiving offenses of others, Donavyn. What is important is only to remember that you’re capable of the blindness.
Not to dwell in it. Be willing to be questioned.
But do not wallow in self-doubt. Your strength, your loyalty, your wisdom remains.
Now you have revealed a weakness, you can address it and move past it, or you can let it continue to weaken you in other ways. Which will it be?’
‘Of course I don’t want to—’
‘Tell her, not me. I am in your heart. I know the truth already. Give her the assurance.’
With a heavy sigh, I rolled to my side, facing Bren and cupped her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb, cursing the tracks tears had made on her skin, but also, so grateful that we were both here, and my head was finally clear.
“It needed to happen,” I said gruffly. Gratefully. Emotionally. “I’m sorry for your sake, but facing him like that… it needed to happen for my sake,” I admitted. “I needed to see myself and I couldn’t do it until I’d broken my own rules.”
She nodded, reaching for my hand on her cheek and twining our fingers. “So… what happens now?”
Well, shit. That was the question, wasn’t it? But for the first time in weeks my mind felt clear and I understood what to aim for, even if I wasn’t entirely sure how to reach it.
“First, I make certain the king has forgiven us for our absence tonight,” I said quietly.
“Then we look for Ruin—determine what he’s really doing, and who’s helping him, whether they know what he truly is, or not.
And when we have proof of either his loyalty, or betrayal of the crown of Vosgaarde, then we move against him, or with him. ”
I felt her tense and shook my head. “No matter which it is, Bren, once this mission is complete, he will be brought to justice. I’ll make certain of it.
What he did—what he continues to do—is unforgiveable.
He’s here for a reason. Just as we are. But no matter the purpose he plays here in Fyrehold, his end will be the same. ”
She nodded slowly, her eyes locked on mine. I reached for her through the bond, relieved to find that while she remained shaky, she’d lost that singing edge that teetered on self-destruction. She’d stepped back from the cliff.
“I’ll pursue Hanson,” she said a moment later, and it took me a blink to remember we’d been discussing the plan to move forward. “I’ll find out what he knows—and whether he’s aware of Ruin’s true role and nature.”
“We have to be very careful. Even if Ruin has fooled him, Ruin is still within his sphere. We can’t put you in a position to be caught between the two of them.
We’ll have to take very careful steps forward.
You don’t leave the castle with him again—at least, not until we’re a lot clearer on his links with Ruin.
You test, you explore, you hint… you figure him out first.”
She nodded. “Hanson wants my help—and sees you as a rival. I’ll play it wary—like I don’t trust him anymore, but I want to. Let him persuade me.”
I didn’t like it, but she was right. “Bring everything to me that you learn—and watch your back. Hanson has had a disruption to whatever plan he had. He’ll be cautious.
It’s the right time to take a step back—even if he still believes you’re an asset to him, it would be natural that you’d be careful after a revelation of that nature.
If we can determine he’s not a threat to you—to all of us—then…
then we’ll find a way to give you time with him here at the castle. ”
She nodded slowly and I felt some of the tension go out of her. We stared at each other for a moment, then she leaned forward and kissed me. “Together,” she whispered.
I nodded. “Together.”