Chapter 22
Chapter
Twenty-Two
August 3 rd
6:26 P.M.
My father abused me my entire childhood.
The words hung heavily in the air between them.
Cole wanted to demand she take them back, tell him they weren't true, but deep down he’d already suspected something like this had happened to her. It explained her inability to trust anyone, why she kept her friends at arm’s length, explained why she seemed so lonely, and why she’d never told him the truth when he was so cruel to her, calling her a hooker.
She didn't believe she was worthy.
Something he intended to do whatever it took to change.
“Can I hold you?” he asked. As badly as he wanted to haul her into his lap, wrap his arms around her, and never let her go, she was raw and vulnerable and he didn't want to make any presumptions.
“What?” Her brow furrowed and she tilted her head to the side as she examined him. It was like he’d done the opposite of what she’d expected him to do, only he had no idea why she would expect anything other than compassion when she confessed such a horrible truth.
“I really want to hold you right now, but if you're not okay with that I understand,” he clarified.
“Y-you want to hold me?”
“Of course I do. What the hell, Susanna? Why on earth would I not want to offer you comfort when you tell me something so awful?”
“Then … you believe me?”
Those words had everything clicking into place, and suddenly he knew he was looking at the real Susanna. Everything made sense. This wasn't the first time she’d told someone what had happened to her. Whoever she’d told hadn't believed her.
It took everything in him not to go storming out of the bathroom, demand she give him the person’s name, then look them up, track them down, and beat them to a bloody pulp.
If there was one thing he could say about this woman, it was that she brought out his violent side. His burn the world to the ground for hurting her side. Usually, he was the easy-going brother, the one who made jokes, lightened the mood, and put everyone at ease.
But mess with what was his and he snapped.
“Unless you tell me not to, I'm going to haul you into my lap now,” he warned her, curling his fingers into fists to give her one last chance to back out.
Except she didn't.
Instead, she gave him an almost hesitant nod.
That was all it took.
In the next second, she was on his lap, and his arms were banded around her, holding her close against his chest. He reached up and turned off the faucet with one hand, then he cradled the back of her head in his palm and held her face tucked against his neck.
For a long moment they didn't speak. He just held her, trying to will his strength into her, will her to see just how strong she was, how brave, how determined, how she’d fought against the odds and created such an amazing life for herself where she helped so many others.
Now it was time for someone to help her.
“Fall for me, baby,” he whispered against her head. “Let me catch you. I’m right here and I'm not going anywhere.”
A ragged breath, a cross between a sob and gasp, brushed across his collarbone. When she lifted her head, he could see that she was snapping her emotional armor back into place.
Not having that.
“Don’t, Susanna,” he urged. “Don’t hide yourself, don’t get all prepared for a fight. You're not getting one. I'm here. For you. I’ll kill your father if you tell me it’s what you want, kill anyone who hurt you, consequences be damned. I’ll spend the rest of my life in prison if it gives you the peace you need.”
Something in her softened and she gifted him a smile. “I don’t want you in prison, Cole. And they’re … not worth it.”
“You are though. You're worth everything. Whatever you need to give me, I can shoulder it so you don’t have to.”
“It was bad, Cole,” she murmured. “He liked playing games. Sadistic games. Like tying me to a stake in the ground, then tying up his guard dogs around me, just far enough away that they couldn’t reach me when he told them to attack if I curled myself into a tight ball. My mom … she didn't care what he did to me because while he was tormenting me, he was leaving her alone.”
His heart cracked open.
How could anyone do that to a little girl?
Their own little girl.
“I got so tired of living in fear of what he was going to do to me next. Even at eight, I was aware that one day he might accidentally go too far and kill me. So, I went to my teacher and told her everything.”
Cole didn't have to ask to know that didn't go well.
He had every intention of getting the teacher’s name out of her at some point and doing whatever was needed to ensure Susanna got some justice.
“She didn't believe you, sprinkles?” His hand began to smooth the length of her spine, pausing to sweep a circle in the small of her back before brushing back to the base of her neck. When Susanna nestled closer, he continued the movement, soothing her in whatever small way he could.
“No. She said I was lying, that my daddy was a good man, he would never hurt me, and I was a bad little girl just looking for attention. I was so shocked. I never thought that would happen. I was all prepared to be rescued that day, and instead, she called my dad to the school and told him what I’d said. When he took me home, he was so angry. He locked me in a box and then rolled it around and around until I was covered in bruises and had thrown up all over myself. He left me in there for a long time, maybe days. I pooped and peed all over myself, and by the time he let me out, I was so hungry my stomach was cramping so bad. Usually, he didn't leave marks, he preferred games, bruises could be seen by others and maybe someone would care enough to find out why an eight-year-old looked like she’d been abused.”
Anger coursed through his body like a tidal wave of red-hot rage. It took all his restraint to keep it bottled up. The last thing he wanted was for Susanna to think even an ounce of it was directed at her.
“I'm so sorry that happened, babe. A teacher is supposed to be a safe person for kids. She should have protected you.”
“It wasn't the only time I wasn't believed, Cole,” she continued. “A year later, I was at the park and I saw a cop car. I snuck away and got to the police officer. But when I told him he didn't believe me either. My dad is so charming, so funny, and personable, and he’s rich, people like to suck up to him. Again, I was punished for tattling, and after that, I stopped trying to get help. I no longer believed people cared, and I couldn’t handle being called a liar one more time.”
Tears shimmered in her wide green eyes, but they hadn't fallen yet.
She was still clinging to control.
Not quite ready to fall all the way.
But she’d jumped for him today because she trusted him, and he wasn't going anywhere, he would earn her trust and then wear it like a badge of honor.
“When I told you I didn't think I could ever trust anyone I wasn't trying to be difficult. I meant it, Cole. I don’t know how to do it.” The eyes that looked back at him were tormented and he would do anything to take that away from her.
“You can learn, baby. I'm not expecting you to wave a magic wand and make everything okay. It’s going to take time, and a lot of work on your part and on mine. I’ll prove to you that I’ll always be there to catch you. I don’t care if it takes the rest of my life. I'm not giving up on you, Susanna, and I'm not walking away.”
“What about when you get annoyed with me that I'm not improving fast enough?”
“Not a race, babe. Life is never a race, and you’ve been through so much more than any person should ever have to. I’m not judging you, sprinkles. Not now, not ever. I can be patient, especially when the reward is so much better than anything else I could ever have. I’ll show you, prove to you, that I can be your safe place, that you can be vulnerable with me, that you can share anything and know you’ll always be valued, always be believed. I believe in you, and I believe every word that comes out of your mouth. Always. I believe you, Susanna.”
August 3 rd
6:35 P.M.
I believe you.
Those were words she had truly believed she would never hear someone say to her.
Someone believed her.
Someone hadn't called her a liar.
Someone cared that she’d been hurt.
Overwhelmed, Susanna burst into tears, startling Cole who looked panicked. Probably more because he thought she wasn't willing to give him a chance than because she was crying. He seemed like the kind of guy who could handle a woman’s tears.
“Thank you,” she managed to murmur through her tears. “Thank you for believing me.”
“Babe,” Cole rebuked. “You don’t thank someone for that. Believing a person when they admit to being abused is the absolute bare minimum you can do for them. I absolutely hate that people made you believe otherwise. I'm going to tell you every day that I believe you. We’ll make it our motto.”
“Our motto?” she asked, barking out a surprised laugh even as tears continued streaming unchecked down her cheeks.
“Sure. Everyone should have a motto and that’ll be ours. We’ll have it painted in purple glitter and hung above the bed. We’ll have it put on our doormat so everyone who comes over can see it. We’ll have it put on our coasters, and placemats so we look at it every day when we sit down to eat. Hell, we’ll have it tattooed on our skin, so we don’t forget it.”
“Okay, let’s do that,” she agreed.
“Which part of it?” Cole asked, looking adorably confused.
“The tattoos. Just a small one because I don’t like needles. I believe you, in a pretty script on my arm, and maybe your name with it, so I don’t forget. I don’t ever want to forget this moment. The first time someone believed me. The first time someone cared.” This moment was going to be the pivotal one of her entire life, Susanna could already see that.
Just saying the words and having them acknowledged was a weight lifting off her shoulders.
Someone believed her.
It meant everything. More than Cole could ever know, more than he could ever understand. He’d had a family who had been there for him during the darkest moments of his life, he couldn’t grasp what it felt like to have to traverse those moments alone. And she was glad of that, she didn't want him to have to suffer life she had, didn't want anyone to ever have to suffer like she had.
“I’ll always believe you, that’s what I’ll get tattooed across my chest,” Cole told her.
“Across your chest?” She knew he’d been kidding about the whole tattoo thing, but it had sparked something inside her and she wanted to do it. She just didn't expect him to do it as well. “You don’t have to.”
“Course I don’t. I want to. On my chest means you’ll see if every time I hold you, every time I make love to you. Even if it’s covered up, you’ll know it’s there. Know that I believe in you. You won't ever have to doubt it because there will be times you do doubt, babe. Scars are like that, they can sneak up and catch you unawares. This way, when that happens you’ll have something tangible to hold onto, to remind yourself.”
That was the single nicest thing anyone had ever offered to do for her.
And it helped so much that he got she wasn't going to be able to just flick a switch and suddenly be okay. It would take time for her to learn how to trust and let people in.
She wanted to though.
Really and truly did.
But right now, there was something she wanted more.
“Make love to me, Cole,” she whispered, feathering kisses along his neck, then his stubbled jaw, pausing at the corner of his mouth.
“Are you sure, babe? You’ve been through so much and have so much healing to do. I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“You don’t. You won't. I don’t want this moment to end, I want it to be cemented in my mind for all eternity. I want to feel you inside me, feel what it’s like to have our bodies joined together again. I don’t want to think of anything bad, I want to feel clean,” her voice wobbled a little on that last word.
Clean was why she’d gotten into the shower in the first place, only there was never enough scrubbing to clean away the dirt that clung to her soul. To get rid of it she needed to set the past behind her and stop letting it control her. Cole believed her, and she needed to feel that inside her body, needed him to cleanse away the dirt that stained her soul.
“Come here then, babe,” he said as he shifted his hands to her hips, moving her so she was straddling him. Then he reached up and turned the shower back on, not quite as hot as she’d had it before, but pleasantly warm as it rained down upon them.
Reaching between them, she unzipped his pants, and freed his length, stroking her fingers up and down it, enjoying the smoldering heat in Cole’s eyes as he watched her. He allowed her to take control, allowed her to play with him, tease him. Under her ministrations, he grew harder and bigger, and she couldn’t wait to guide him to her entrance and sink down, taking every delicious inch of him into her body.
But just as she was about to do that, he growled, and the next thing she knew she was on her back, with her legs thrown over his shoulders, and his mouth was claiming her center in a searing kiss.
His tongue delved inside her, then flicked at her bud, it alternated between the two until fire licked low in her belly, ready to curl out and consume her. Knowing Cole and how he liked to edge her, bring her close, then leave her hanging, work her there again before pulling back, and then finally bringing her an earth-shattering release, the orgasm caught her by surprise, and she came all over Cole’s face as white-hot pleasure engulfed her.
He gave her no time to recover.
His fingers plunged into her, one, then two, then three. Cole knew just how to hook them so that each thrust grazed that magic spot inside that she’d heard about but not been entirely convinced actually existed.
But it did.
And Cole wouldn't let up.
Stroking it over and over again until her internal muscles began to flutter, and the heat that had only just begun to subside built again until it consumed her, leaving her a babbling, pleading, crying mess.
“Only the best for my girl,” Cole whispered against her lips as he shifted her almost boneless body and brought it down, impaling her on him and burying himself inside her in one smooth thrust.
Susanna cried out as he filled her, erasing each of the cracks in her soul with his presence.
As he rolled his hips, thrusting into her, his lips seemed to be everywhere at once. They teased her nipples, found a sensitive spot behind her ear that almost made her see stars, and pressed against her own in kisses that sent bolts of pleasure straight between her legs.
She would have thought a third orgasm was impossible.
But it was building.
The intensity was almost too much coming right on the heels of two others.
“Cole,” she whimpered, shifting her hips, wanting to pull back from the too-strong sensations.
His hands held her still, his fingers playing with her sensitive bundle of nerves, pushing her toward the inevitable.
“Give it to me, babe. Don’t hold back, you deserve the world, Susanna. Everything you’ve been denied. I want to give it to you. I want to make it so you never shed another tear or battle another doubt about your worth. Fall, sprinkles. Fall and let me catch you. Let me prove to you you're not in this alone anymore. I’ll always be there. I’ll take every one of your burdens. I’ll burn the world to the ground to find you peace.”
There was no way to stop it even if she wanted to.
Pleasure hit, storming through her system like a tornado. Her back arched, Cole’s name fell from her lips, her internal muscles clamped around his length, and she felt him come inside her, marking her forever as his.
As she slowly drifted down from her high, snuggling sleepily against Cole, not ready to move yet, wanting to hold him inside her for as long as she possibly could, Susanna realized just how different she felt. So much lighter. The weight of her past was still there, still on her shoulders, some of it always would be, but Cole had taken some.
This morning, he’d asked her to trust him and told her to jump.
And she had.
Instead of a hard landing breaking her, she’d been caught.
This evening he’d asked her to trust him with something more fragile.
Her heart.
But she’d done it.
She’d jumped and trusted him to catch her when she fell.
And he had.
He was there, holding her, secrets and all, believing in her, offering her all of himself, and not holding anything back.
Trusting was always going to be an issue for her. Too many years had passed, and her scars ran deep, but one thing she was certain of; any time she fell, the man holding her like she was the most precious treasure in the world would always be there to catch her.
No matter what.