Chapter Five #2
“Um… how are you feeling?” he asks, already sounding like he’s out of his element. It’s accurate.
He is, and he has been since his colleague dumped me into his lap.
“Fucktastic,” I grumble.
Callahan is quiet for a moment before continuing, “Are you… sure you’re alright? You seem on edge…”
“Why would I be on edge , Doctor?” I glare down at him. “Because I’m a ticking time-bomb, walking around waiting to go kaboom ??”
“What…” He pauses to clear his throat. “What do you mean by that?”
“Oh, nothing…” I mumble, poking at things on his bookshelf.
“Have you been taking your medication?” he asks.
“Yes,” I lie.
“Are you… sure?”
My face slopes in his direction. He’s staring at me. “Do I seem like an idiot?”
His face freezes in perplexity. “No…”
“Good. Because I’m not,” I grunt. “I know the difference between taking medication and not taking it.”
“Right…” He sounds nervous. I kind of like it. He clears his throat again. “How’s work?”
Turning away from him, I pick up a book, flipping through the pages. “I got fired.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you?” I peer at him.
He nods. “Yes… I know you enjoyed that job. Would you like to tell me what—”
“You know what?” I slap the book shut. “Maybe I am on edge. I’ve been on edge since I was handed off to you, like something inconsequential. Like a pen, or a shopping bag… or a goddamn biscuit that’s been in your backpack for two years!”
“I’m not sure I—”
“I told that self-righteous robot what would happen if he tossed me aside,” I growl, storming around with my fists in my hair.
My emotions are skyrocketing, and I’m still not entirely sure why .
It’s like my thoughts are going haywire, bouncing back and forth so fast I can’t keep track of which way I’m going.
“ I matter , do you understand that?? I’m a bloody human fucking being with feelings and problems and deep, festering emotional wounds—I will not be ignored! ”
Callahan looks like he’s about to shit himself.
He has no earthly clue how to deal with me right now, and truth be told, neither do I.
I don’t know if anything he or anyone else could say or do to me right now would help how I’m feeling.
I’m angry and stressed. I’m keyed-up and confused, and… tired.
So tired.
I’m sleep-deprived and depressed and pissed the fuck off at the world. So many things are happening inside me, I want either to explode or lie down. Or explode, then lie down.
Maybe you should take your fucking meds, wanker.
No. I don’t need those things. I need more drugs. I need…
Alice.
Stomping toward the door, I’m reaching for the handle when Dr. Callahan jumps up. “Trevel! Wait… Where are you going??”
I take a breath with my hand on the knob, chin tipping in his direction. “Anything I do, from here on out… is his fault.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I lift my hand, knocking one, two, three times on the door. I peer left, then right, shifting my weight back and forth, fiddling with the rings on my fingers.
I haven’t slept in a while. I’m not certain how long it’s been…
When did I sniff that shit that tasted like dirt with Andres? At least a few days ago…
Every noise has me flinching, until finally the door opens.
“Hey…” Alice says, her smile strained.
I’m trying not to notice the concern in her eyes.
Pushing my way inside, I sniff. “Hey. Is your brother here?”
She doesn’t answer me, and when I spin to face her, she’s standing there with her arms folded over her chest. I lift a questioning brow, and she sighs. “No. He’s out with Tommy.”
“Who?” I rub my eyes.
“You know, the busboy from the restaurant.”
“Oh… right.” I have no idea who she’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter.
I can’t think. I feel itchy and twitchy, and I was really hoping he’d be here so I could grab something to sort me out.
Fuck fuck fuck. What am I gonna do now??
“Trevel… are you alri—”
“Do you know when he’ll be back?” I ask before she can go there, pacing circles around her living room.
I hear her sighing some more. “No. I don’t. Listen, I don’t like you hanging out with him. He’s a bad influence.”
Pausing my movements, I peek at her.
“Who made her the Queen of England?”
“Shut up,” I rumble at Leo. Alice’s face falls. She looks upset, and I squeeze my eyes shut in a hard blink. “Sorry, love. I’m just… stressed. It’s not a big deal… I have everything under control.”
Stepping up to her, I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look up at me. She’s much shorter without those killer heels she loves to wear.
“I’m worried about you,” she hums, her tone slithering its way inside my chest, in between the cracks and jagged pieces, wrapping around my decomposing heart.
“You’ve been acting different the last few weeks…
I’m not sure what happened, but I just hope you’re not, like, getting hooked on that shit, or—”
“Baby, I’m fine , I promise,” I tell her in the most assuring voice I can manage when I know bloody well it’s bullshit. I’m hanging on by a goddamn thread. “I can stop whenever I want.”
She gives me a look, but I ignore it, leaning in to kiss her lips softly, hoping to distract her from how obvious it is that I’m lying through my teeth. Unfortunately for both of us, it works. And the next thing I know, we’re in her bedroom, tearing off each other’s clothes.
Because despite how terrible I’ve been feeling for the last few months—since I was abandoned by the only person who’s ever truly understood me—there’s still one thing in my life that puts me at ease. Something that settles me better than the drugs…
She peeks up at me, deep brown eyes framed by long, dark lashes, sparkling with hope; the purest potential I’ve seen in them since that first day, when I finally worked up the courage to let her see me.
After weeks of following her around, just watching her in fascination; such a beautiful creature, brokenness worn on the outside, like a badge of honor.
I’ve been drawn to her since the moment I laid eyes on her, like a moth to her brightly burning flame.
That she asked me out was an undeserved miracle, because she’s entirely too good for me.
But now that I have her, I should do whatever it takes to keep her.
Rip out my own heart to keep her smiling.
I feel infinitely stupid for ever fearing getting closer to her…
Though I know in my heart she’s stupid for getting close to me .
I don’t want to hurt her… She’s perfect.
She tames the evil inside me. She’s the antidote to every bit of my darkness.
If ever there was a moment to tell her about my past, it would be now. She deserves to know the truth, to understand why I’ve been struggling. That there’s a reason when I pull away or act distant, and it has absolutely nothing to do with her.
I think she might be the only person left to help me overcome it… After the one who left me high and dry.
“What if she leaves too?” I blink. “You’re damaged, Trevel.”
Ultimately, I know he’s right. So I keep myself hidden, for her sake and mine.
Alice and I get dressed, and despite not getting the drugs I came for, I’m still floating on a dopamine cloud. I’m sure I can overcome the evil inside me… And I don’t need medication or therapy or Dr. Love to do it.
I just need her. A real partner in my corner.
But of course, my joy doesn’t last long.
It takes barely a half-hour for the orgasm-high to fully wear off, and the next thing I know, I’m wound the hell up again and back to obsessing over my need for some serious narcotic assistance.
I’m happy to be spending time with Alice, surely, I am…
But in the back of my mind, I know the longer I hang out here, the more likely her brother will eventually show up. And then I can get my fix.
Fidgeting on the couch, I’m flicking through television channels, so quickly, there’s no way to tell which programs I’m passing. I’m just… doing it. In a trance, pressing the button over and over and over and over and over and—
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Alice’s melodious voice slinks into my ear at my side while I click click click on her remote, staring mindlessly at the screen. “Talk to me.”
Finally, I stop. My face slants slowly in her direction, and I blink at her beautiful, worried face.
She’s worried about me. She cares … for me .
My lips part.
“Don’t do it,” Leo warns from across the room where he’s smoking a cigarette, watching me. “I’m begging you…”
“I’m in therapy,” I confess, just a sliver of truth. A small piece… It’s all I’m comfortable giving.
I shoot Leo a look. He’s sighing out of relief. Chuffed, are we, mate??
Alice grins, taking my jaw in her hands. “Babe, that’s what you were worried about telling me? I would never judge anyone for seeking help. Shit, I’ve been in therapy since I was, like, fourteen…”
“It’s just… It’s a bit more complicated than that…
” I rumble nervously. “Dr. Love—my psychiatrist—was something else. He was… like a breath of fresh air. So very different from all the others. He took pride in his work. In treating me. He actually… cared.” I stop and shake my head. “At least, I thought he did.”
“What happened to him?” Alice’s voice squeaks, full of intrigue. Compassion and wonder. “You’re speaking about him in past tense…”
My jaw tightens, and I scowl while Leo rolls his eyes. “Six weeks ago, he up and decided he was leaving. Pawned me off to some hack, and now he’s gone. The only person who’s ever known the real me…” I blink at Alice, and she back at me. “Until you, I mean.”
Her lashes flutter. Her wide eyes sparkle at me. She looks pleased…
I just wish it wasn’t tainted by the lies, and all of my many secrets.
Shifting in my seat, I cover my face with my hands. “I have issues, Alice. Lots of them. If I were you, I would run screaming—”