Chapter Thirty-Five #3
Lifting his hand, I run my lips over his knuckles. “I was only in the Connecticut facility for a few months before they moved me down to Atlanta, to a place called Riverwoods . And that’s where I met Dr. Love.”
Saying his name now, as a part of my story, after everything we’ve been through… It floods me with emotions. But they’re not what they used to be.
The feelings I had for him weren’t real; I see that now. It was a crush on someone who helped me when nobody else did, and who saw me as something more than a deeply troubled and severely scarred individual.
Because we all know Dr. Love appreciates emotional damage.
“Trev… This is insane,” Byron breathes. “It might be the craziest story I’ve ever heard. I mean, damn… What am I doing writing my shit?? You should write a book! Your story makes mine seem like an episode of Teletubbies.”
I snort, resting my head on his shoulder, because reliving all of this is making me sleepy. “It’s not a competition, baby. We both have our stories, and they’re both valid.”
“Did Dr. Love teach you that?” he teases, and I play-elbow him.
“So…. yea. Riverwoods. I was there for about two years before I was granted early release, which Dr. Love advocated for, by the way. He was the one who testified to the parole board that I was fit to rejoin society, so long as I continued outpatient treatment with him…” I snicker.
“What?” he asks. “You think he was wrong?”
“I think he thinks he was wrong.” I chuckle. “Or rather, he knew the only way to test my monster was to get me out of captivity. And that’s exactly what he did.”
I can feel Byron’s pulse picking up. “Do you think you belong in prison?”
I tilt my face. “I think there are certainly worse people out there…”
“That’s not an answer,” he whispers, and his tone, while he’s touching me and I can smell him… It zaps me in the balls.
“I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see, hm?” I purr. Byron bites his lip. “Does it frighten you…?”
He takes my face in his hands. “You did what you had to do, baby. I’d say that’s very Raphael of you.”
A wide grin captures my lips. His mouth inches over mine, and I’m longing to end this and just wrap myself around his big, strong body. But I force myself back, because I can’t always jump into the physical… That’s not what he wants.
“We’re not done yet,” I whisper, and he groans.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, how is there not a documentary about you?”
I laugh, shaking my head. He plays with the hair at my nape as I pick back up.
“Fast forward a year or so after I’d been released, and I had a job, an apartment…
I was seeing Dr. Love twice a week, and he had me on medication for my night terrors, depression and anxiety.
I was still figuring out what life looked like for someone like me…
Someone broken. I was trying hard to put Trevel back together, but I think I always knew in the back of my mind I was missing a few pieces.
I thought I’d gotten past my past… Or maybe I just told myself I had. Because I wanted it…”
“Wanted what?” he asks softly.
“A normal life.” I feel so vulnerable in this moment. Split open for him, more than I’ve ever been with anyone else. “But I’m certain now that some people just aren’t meant for normal…”
“Fuck normal,” Leo grunts.
“Fuck normal,” Byron says firmly.
A whimpering chuckle leaves me as I touch him, because he’s perfect . All of him. Every bit.
“In Atlanta, I’d actually started dating,” I tell him. “Casually. I mean, it wasn’t really dating . More like Tinder hookups, but still. It was something. I could finally have sex with guys without freaking out or losing my wood, so I called that a victory.”
Byron’s cheeks are flushing, and I have to bite back my smirk.
“One day, on the way to Dr. Love’s, I saw the most beautiful person in this coffee shop up the block from his office. She was working as a barista, and I was immediately swept away by her.” I pause to gulp before mumbling, “Her name was Alice.”
Speaking her name brings memories too… And they’re breaking my heart… Even the good ones.
Because she’s gone, and she doesn’t need to be.
I think Byron can tell right away that the story is about to take another turn. He’s visibly bracing himself.
“Alice was a twenty-one-year-old trans woman from Colombia. She’d been through a lot in her life, what with transitioning and her family’s lack of acceptance.
Of course, I didn’t know that at the time.
All I knew was that she was beautiful. Her personality was like this glowing ball of light that followed her around.
I guess you could say I… stalked her. Just a little.
Amateur hour compared to your stalking,” I huff, and Byron smirks.
“I just watched her come and go while struggling to work up the nerve to talk to her. Finally, one day, I took the leap, though, I still feel like she was the one asking me out. Which was bonkers because she was way out of my league.” I chuckle.
Byron appears fascinated and wholly invested.
“We dated for only a few weeks… Barely two months. But I felt so strongly for her. I’d never…
” My words fade and gulp, noting a shift in Byron’s expression, the slightest increase in tension.
It looks like he’s feeling jealous while trying not to, and it’s so unbearably sexy.
Too bad that’s all going to change in a moment…
“I wasn’t… good to her, though. Because I’m a mess, Byron. I’m a curse , baby, I’m just… awful—”
“Shh…” he shushes while my pulse pings. “Tell me why you think that…”
“Because I cheated on her,” I choke out, burying my face in his chest so I don’t have to see him looking at me while I say this… “With her brother.”
“Oh, violet…” he whispers, stroking my hair.
“It was after Dr. Love left.” I sniffle.
“I was off my meds, and I started using again. Alice’s twin brother, Andres, was staying with her.
He’d been in prison for drug offenses, so it was just…
a bad situation. I was weak, and I fell apart so easily.
” I wipe a tear onto his shirt. “I sucked him off a couple times in exchange for heroin… Like a loser junkie—”
“Hey,” Byron hums. “Don’t say that… Please, baby.”
“I’ve always been a mess, By…” I grumble. “That doesn’t stop. It never ends. I had a great girl who I actually cared deeply for. Who I might have…” I clear my throat. “And I threw it away for a hot dude with strong narcotics. You must think I’m such a knob…” I bury my face even deeper.
“You messed up, Trevel. You’re only human. If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that you can be in love with someone and still make mistakes like that. Physical ones…”
Lifting my face, I peek up at him. He bites his lip, and I can tell right away he’s thinking of Ren.
“Ren did that…?” I ask carefully.
His eyes gleam with sadness as he nods. “He loved Luthor with all of himself. I know that. It was just… physical. With us… It was an addiction for him, like yours.”
“I know what that’s like…” I mumble, remembering being high out of my mind the night that Alice died.
“I would’ve used anything to forget, Byron.
And I still battle those demons every day.
” Scrubbing my hands over my face, I exhale a rough whimper.
“I lost her because of it… I let her die , Byron… Because I was too fucked up to save her. That’s why I’m here.
I’m trapped forever as a permanent reminder of the lowest point in my life… ”
Byron’s face has never been more still. “You don’t have to say any more if you don’t want to, baby—”
“The night Alice died, I was high.” I force the words out. “Andres and I… did our thing. Then he shot me up, which was weird, because I usually snorted it.” I blink hard and shake my head. “I was in and out for a bit, and the next thing I knew, he was fucking me…”
Byron’s jaw clenches, expression dripping with fast rage.
“I was… awake. I mean, I was groggy, but lucid. I… consented.” I gulp. “But Alice… she was in the bed next to us. I thought she was just sleeping, so it was kinda hot…” A whimper flees my lips, and I slap my palms to cover myself. “I didn’t know she was… she… was…”
I’m full-blown crying in an instant. Like a dam burst, I’m hysterical.
Byron tries to steady me, but I rip away from his hands.
“She was dead, Byron. She died ! Her twin fucking brother killed her by intentional overdose and then fucked me, knowing bloody well he was planning to frame me for her murder! Do you know what it feels like?? To walk around every day, knowing you let someone who killed the first person you’ve ever loved fuck you right next to her fucking corpse? !”
I’m practically hyperventilating. The guilt and agony are so strong, I can’t see.
Swallowing back pain, I choke, “I killed him when I found out. I killed that waste of bloody life and his asshole friend for what they did. But it’s still my fault. I’m the evil one, Byron. Because I had love, and I gave it up for nothing … That’s who I am.”
He’s gaping at me, brown irises reflecting my sorrow back. “How… How did you end up here?”
“Manuel Blanco thought I killed someone else.” I sniff.
His brow furrows. “Who?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble, exhausted from the emotional marathon I just ran, rehashing all of this. “Someone he confused with Alice, or Andres, I suppose. By the time I was already here, he’d found out he had the wrong information, but you know him… He saw an opportunity.”
Byron looks like he has a million things to say, but can’t manage to cough up a single word.
“So… there you have it. The whole story.” I rake fingers through my hair, drained and hollow, from the pure devastation of my life. “That’s what led me to where I am right now… Here with you.”
I actually got through it… And he’s still here.
Now let’s see if he stays.
Byron bites his lip. I can’t help plucking it from between his teeth again.
“Trevel…” His voice shakes with emotion. Not pity, thank God , but I can feel what he’s feeling on my behalf, and gives me a rush of dopamine.
“I just wanted you to know, Byron. Because from the moment I met you, I wanted nothing more than to figure you out.” I run my hand up his chest, resting my palm over his heart. “You let me, baby. And now it’s… my turn. Surrendering feels good sometimes. When it’s with… you.”
He’s quiet for many generous moments while we just stare at one another.
Finally, he exhales, breaking the silence.
“Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You’re right, I’ve shared so much with you, and all I wanted in return was this…
This deep stuff you’ve been clinging to. Don’t you trust me…?”
“I do! I swear, I do… I just…” I pause to collect my thoughts.
“I mean, Byron… Do you blame me? I’m bloody tapped .
My life, everything I’ve been through, all that I am …
It’s like a disease.” Tears are welling again, and I try to sniff them away.
“I was scared… I’m so bloody scared with you, Byron, and I hate being scared.
I despise it… But with you, I’m terrified . ”
His eyes are rounded as he shakes his head. “Of what?”
“Of hurting you, like I hurt Alice. Of ruining you, like I ruined myself… Of… losing you… In any way. Losing you to someone else…” My voice trails as I think of Ren. And Michelangelo…
He can obviously tell, because he breaks our eye contact. There are so many things in that one expression, so much of what we’ve been through over the last months. From the moment we met… until right now.
And I want it all. The good, and the bad.
“You said your feelings for Lem were like mine for Michelangelo,” he starts softly.
Wary, but still… He’s still here. “Well, Michelangelo isn’t the only person I’ve…
felt that for. He was my first, yes, but not the last. I’ve felt those same things, stronger things…
for someone else.” His throat dips in a heavy swallow, vulnerability shimmering in his eyes. “Have you?”
I know what he’s asking me… And I don’t need the moment it’s taking me to answer him. But I’m taking it, because I’m so afraid.
Please don’t let me lose him too… I won’t survive it.
I cup his jaw in my hand. “Baby, I have , I promise. Byron… My feelings for Lemuel were… only one tiny flicker. Barely anything. But there’s a whole world of light out there… belonging to someone else.”
His lashes flutter.
You’re all of it, sweet fury…
Every single shine and then some.
“I don’t want the past to matter, Trevel,” he hums . “I just want to move on, but I feel like we’re stuck in it.”
“How can we break free?” I ask him, pleading for answers because I need them, too.
I don’t know what I’m doing… In truth, I never did.
“You got your closure.” He gazes up at me. “I didn’t get that much. He’s gone, and they’re gone, and I never got to…” He gulps back his painful confession.
I gauge him closely, that grief he’s been wearing every day since he found out that Luthor and Ren were dead…
But they’re not.
They’re not dead.
I just spoke to Luthor.
“It’s over,” the voice speaks from inside my skull. I close my eyes and see him… Me , as Leonardo. “If they’re alive, it’ll never be over, Trevel. He’ll always be wondering where they are… Where he is.”
My lip trembles, and I bite it. I’m aching inside, a bloody gash within my chest that just wants to be healed. And I need him for that.
“With Ren gone, Byron is yours. You know I’m right.”
“But I can’t… I have to tell him,” I whimper, maybe out loud.
Oh, Byron… My fury. My warrior. My Raphael…
You’re all I want. But I’m terrified that you’ll get sick of me when you realize how much work it is to love me.
My lips are parted, the words resting on my tongue…
Ren’s not dead. Neither is Luthor. They’re alive, baby, and they might… be coming back…
But they won’t come out. I just can’t cough them up. He’s just squirming, tense, with hesitation in his eyes.
Fuck me… This is agonizing.
“Do not fucking tell him,” Leo growls.
But what if they show up? What then…?
“I h-have to… tell him,” I stammer.
“Trevel,” Byron hums my name, taking my wrists in his hands. “Is there… anything else?” I blink at him, gagging on guilt and those pesky truths I’m holding hostage. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“Y-yes… There is.” Sitting up slowly, I take a breath, casting one more glance at Leo. “We’re not alone.”