Chapter Thiry-Nine #3
“We don’t know,” Rook grunts. “We haven’t been able to speak to them in weeks… Carson, Denton, Mark…”
“Mickey?” Kemper asks.
Joy scoffs. “Fuck that guy. He’s a traitor.”
For some reason, everyone looks at me. And it brings back all of my insecurities, all the reasons I’d been hesitant to defect back to Team Velle .
But then Joy wraps her arm around my waist, pulling me into her side. “We’re really happy to have you back, jeonsa .” She kisses my cheek.
“Yea, that was pretty badass, by the way.” Dash grins at me. “That stuff you said on the beach… To Russo.”
“Was it true?” Ren leans in, damn near toppling over he’s so thirsty for the tea.
I have to chuckle, but I’m fidgeting, cheeks warming because they’re all staring at me.
Sucking in a deep breath, I give up and nod. “Yea… It was.”
Luthor gives me a kind, if sympathetic look while Ren blinks. “How come you never told us?”
“I never told anyone…” I mutter.
Except…
Shaking it off, my gaze lifts to Felix. “Thanks. Seriously, that was… fucking crazy.” I laugh, and he grins, biting his lip. “But it was pretty damn badass.”
“Yea, it was!” Dash cheers, turning to Kemper.
“Babe, you should’ve seen it! Felix snuck up behind Governor Russo while Byron was giving him the business, distracting him and shit…
Then, all of a sudden, at the perfect moment, wham!
” Dash mimics slitting his throat, complete with blood spray and everything.
“Slit his throat like fuckin’ Rambo! So cool. ”
Kemper grins, nodding animatedly while shooting a disturbed look at The Carver.
“More like Rambo’s gay friend, Flambo,” Ren cackles.
Hancock chokes. Luthor shakes his head, and the rest of us burst into fits of laughter. Even Dr. Love is cracking a smile.
“No, for real, though,” Luthor sighs out his amusement. “You guys didn’t plan that?? It seemed rehearsed.”
Felix and I share a look. He purses his lips over an eager smile that I can’t help returning.
“I guess we make a good team,” I hum.
He looks purely elated. I kinda like it. It feels good not to be holding on to that grudge anymore. I’m positive O’Malley wouldn’t care.
Well, he might. Since he’s most likely burning in hell right now.
Everyone disperses, going for food, water, and supplies. And I think this might be the best time…
I mean, fuck it, right? Who knows how much longer any of us have…
Approaching Luthor and Ren, I keep my voice hushed. “Hey, can I talk to you guys for a minute?”
They nod, the three of us huddling up for some privacy. Giving myself one more moment to prepare, I drop my chin and close my eyes.
Here goes nothing…
When I lift my face, they’re staring at me, full attention given. It’s nerve-racking, but I push past it.
“First of all, I’m really sorry,” I start. “For everything. For what I said in the rec room, for disappearing on you after that. For… choosing him. Over you.”
Luthor looks like he’s about to start placating me, telling me it’s alright , but Ren motions to him, and they both stay quiet. Just listening.
Ugh… God. This is gonna suck.
“I was hurt… That’s why I said what I said,” I go on.
“Because I was just… in pain. All the damn time, for reasons I’ll get into in a second.
But when I thought you guys were dead, I thought I’d never get the chance to tell you the truth.
So I’m gonna tell you everything right now, just in case. No regrets…”
They look nervous, awaiting what I’m about to say.
Inhaling deep, I harness all of my exterior strength, coating my interior with it, like armor for the inside.
“I lied to you… A lot . About tons of stuff.” My eyes flick between them.
They’re still just staring. “I’m not here because I killed the guy who was fucking my girlfriend… I’ve never killed anyone, actually.”
“Oh my God! Samesies!” Luthor gasps excitedly.
“Babe. Shush,” Ren chides.
I grin, but bite it off. “I’m here because I was sleeping with Governor Russo’s son…
Michelangelo. He wasn’t my boyfriend officially or anything, but I think I really…
cared about him.” I glance at my shoes. “Who knows, maybe I loved him… But whatever, that’s not the point.
The point is that we were a thing. And one night, Russo caught us, and he threw me in here because that’s the kind of man he is. Was , sorry. And that’s why he’s dead.”
I glance across the room at Felix, who’s gleefully eating a bag of chips while Dr. Love wipes his face with a washcloth.
“That’s fucking awesome,” Ren says, bringing my attention back to his bright grin.
“Yea, fuck that guy,” Luthor adds. “Homophobic scumbag.”
“That whole thing sorta stunted me.” I rub the back of my neck. “I probably would’ve been fine with being bi if it weren’t for that shit…”
“Are you really bi??” Luthor asks.
I nod, and Ren snorts, shaking his head. “Called that from a mile away…”
“ Anyway .” I ignore him, scowling. “I already felt lost and alone… And then you guys came along. Parker, and Landon, and O’Malley…
Dash.” I peek at where he’s sitting on Kemper’s lap.
“It was great to have friends. But you two were… more .” I swallow hard.
“I should have been able to tell you the truth, but shit got… complicated.”
They’re both gawking at me, waiting for me to continue. But this is the hard part.
Fuck… It’s already awkward.
“The thing is… You reminded me a lot of him,” I whisper, eyes flitting to Ren’s in between staring down at where I’m brushing dirt around with my shoe. “Of Michelangelo. Not only do you look like him, but your personalities are kinda similar. I guess I have a type…”
When the blaring silence gets to be too much, I peek at Ren. His eyes are wide, jaw slack. For maybe the first time in our entire friendship, he’s speechless. No smart-ass remarks or flirtatious jokes. It’s kind of amazing, but it makes getting this out that much more difficult.
“When we started hooking up, I was pulling the proxy too,” I admit. “I just… needed it. I never got any closure with him. And I couldn’t let go…”
Ren nods subtly, and I can tell he understands what I’m saying. But Luthor is frozen solid. It doesn’t look like he’s breathing.
“It might have started to feel… different,” I mutter, clearing my throat a hundred times. “I swear to God, I didn’t want it to. You gotta believe me… I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to have… feelings. It was just a lot of other shit… Mixing with the physical.”
They’re both frozen now, gaping in mild shock. But they’re not yelling at me or storming off… So I guess that’s good.
I continue before I lose my nerve. “It hurt… being just a body to you. So when you guys started up again, I felt like I was losing both of you… in different ways. I was jealous, and I hated myself for it… I still do, because I let it ruin our friendship. I let it tear us apart…”
The silence stretches, anxiety twisting me up. I’m afraid they both hate me and think I’m pathetic, my vulnerabilities making it hard to look at them.
But Luthor’s voice pulls me out. “Fuck that.” My face jumps. “You didn’t ruin shit. We’re still friends, Byron. We always will be. In fact, we’re more than that… We’re family. And family members fight sometimes, but it doesn’t mean they don’t still love each other.”
“Yea, and sometimes family members bang each other,” Ren sneers. I snort. “And it’s beautiful.” He peeks at Luthor and winks.
“What our perverted pork dumpling here is trying to say is that we would never hold any of this against you.” Luthor grins. “And I’m sorry too. For overlooking your feelings and being selfish.”
“You really didn’t…” I shake my head.
“Okay, well, I did.” Ren sighs, rubbing his eyes.
“Look, B, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I can never express to you just how deep it goes.
You were totally right. We were being selfish and toxic, and that was mainly because of me.
I did use you, and it’s not cool. I’ve been sick about it, honestly.
Since even before we got out… Because I care about you, hard.
You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I feel like I failed you… ”
“No, you didn’t,” I fight past the emotion in my voice.
He gives me a skeptical look of guilt, but I press on.
“I’m serious. You did the best possible thing, Ren.
You stayed true to yourself from day one.
You’re the realest motherfucker I’ve ever met, and I’m sorry I was too afraid to be real in return.
I’m sorry I didn’t just… I don’t know, talk to you or something. I should’ve handled it all better.”
“Me too.” Ren throws his arms around my shoulders. And I slink mine around his waist, holding him tight.
Damn… Talk about a million pounds of weight off my shoulders.
It feels incredible to finally be honest with him. Having all of this out in the open. This is what I’ve been needing all along.
I know I’m not in love with Ren. Part of me will always feel something —between friendship and more—because of how much we’ve been through. But above all else, he’s my friend , and I love that more than whatever confusing proxy shit got into my head.
“Are you still into me?” He grins on my neck, and I shove him away. “It’s okay, you can tell me. I might be engaged, but I can still be the object of men’s fantasies. That’s not cheating.”
Luthor scoffs, shaking his head.
My lashes flutter at them. “Wait, you’re… engaged ??”
They’re clearly trying to dampen their luminous expressions as Ren lifts his left hand, wiggling his finger, adorned with a thin silver ring.
“Holy shit…” I breathe, mouth sloping. “Congratulations.”
“Is it okay?” Luthor’s forehead lines. “I can take it back if it upsets you…”
Ren gasps, smacking him in the chest. “Bitch.”
Luthor chuckles. “My fiancé, ladies and gentlemen.” He grasps Ren’s jaw and kisses him.
And the best part is that I’m not jealous anymore. Not of them, anyway. I’m just happy for them because I love them. But most importantly, they love each other , more than anyone’s ever loved anyone or anything.
There’s no one more meant to be than Luthor and Ren.
Unfortunately, there are twinges of jealousy as I look around at all these couples. All happy, engaged, and moving forward. It stings like salt being sprinkled on the open wound in my chest…
Because I’d thought I was headed there, too, finally. For the first time, I thought I had somebody, who was more than a fuckbuddy or a friend, or a proxy.
I thought I had a real partner I could love, and who would love me back. Instead, it was just more darkness…
And now it’s gone. And I’m alone again.
In a room full of couples—and throuples—with no one to call my own.
Sniffing, I fight hard to shake it off. “I can’t wait to hear about everything you guys have been through since you left.”
“Please, no one cares about that,” Ren huffs. “I wanna hear about how bi you are. Have you hooked up with anyone else I know? Other than my fiancé, I mean.”
My eyes flick to Dash, and I clear my throat. “Stories for another time.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that, Bi -ron.” He beams. Luthor and I frown. “Like with a B.I… No? Come on, that’s funny!”
“Not when you’re saying it out loud,” Luthor argues.
“Fine, I’ll text it you.” He rolls his eyes.
“If you have to explain your jokes, they’re not funny.” I grin.
“Oh yea, like you know what’s funny,” Ren gripes. “You didn’t even know you liked dick when it was in your damn mouth.”
“I already regret this entire conversation,” I rumble.
Dash comes strutting over with Kemper, throwing his arms around our shoulders. “God, I fucking missed you guys.”
“For real,” I hum.
“I know we’re trapped like rats about to be slaughtered, but I have to say, this just feels right,” Ren sighs.
“Is it weird that I agree with you?” Dash chuckles.
“Yes,” Kemper teases, kissing Dash’s neck.
“Did you guys know that Luthor and Ren are also engaged?” I tell him, and his face explodes.
“What?! No fucking way!” Dash grabs Luthor by the shoulders, shaking him back and forth while he laughs.
“Hang on, you’re engaged too??” Felix comes scampering over with Lem, having overheard.
Ren shows off his ring, and Dash pouts. “Baby, how come I didn’t get a ring??”
“Because you got a house.” Kemper gives him a pointed look. “And a Ducati. And a dog.”
“Spoiled bitch,” Ren jeers.
“Right. Thank you, baby,” Dash purrs.
“We’re engaged too,” Felix butts in, bouncing, with pink cheeks.
“Are you serious??” Dash gasps, excitement overload.
“Get out!” Luthor claps. “Congratulations!”
“Jesus,” Joy mutters while moving things around. “It’s a damn epidemic.”
“You’re not getting married, Joyful?” Kemper teases her.
“Not unless Velle wants to be a housewife.” She grins, as does Rook.
And right on cue, almost unbelievably, the low rumble of a motorcycle engine grows closer.
“Speaking of Mr. Jameson-Samuels.” Hancock laughs.
Rook darts over to the door, lifting the latch and opening it wide. Velle drives the Harley right inside, killing the engine. He’s barely off the thing before Rook and Joy are attacking him with kisses and affectionate touch. It’s sweet to witness, no matter how painfully single I’m feeling.
It’s Velle , after all. He, Joy and Rook are the perfect trio. They’re like Mom and Dads. Things feel complete now.
They were right, and I knew it all along, despite trying to fight it. We’re a fucking family .
Is it always pretty? Hell no. But we’ve been through so much together… Denying it would be foolish.
“Daddy’s home, kids.” Velle sighs, pushing his hair back with a smirk, mirroring almost my exact sentiments. We all converge around him. And when he sees me, his grin widens. “Good to see you came to your senses, 62.”
I scowl, and he laughs.
“Sorry. Byron .”
“Thanks, Dad.” I chuckle, giving him dabs.
“So… what’s next?” Kemper asks.
Velle looks us all over—his crew, his team . His Pen family.
Cocky, wicked smirk intact, he hums, “We fucking win .”