Chapter 7 - Ryan
Ryan
Kate slumped in the passenger seat and sighed heavily. “Thank god that’s over.”
Privately, I agreed with her. I’d half expected Dom to leave after our talk, but he hadn’t. Instead, he’d planted himself against a wall, watching me from the shadows.
As for me? I’d thrown myself into the role of doting fiancé. Kate had reappeared a few minutes after I did, her face darker than I’d ever seen it before. When she’d seen me, she smoothed it away, pasting a bright smile in its place.
I found myself doing the same.
“Certainly was a lot of hand shaking and talking,” I said as I drove us home. I thought about my next words carefully, but decided it would be weirder if I didn’t mention it. “Few unexpected guests too.”
Kate turned her head to look out of her window. “I’m sorry about Rafe.”
“God, don’t apologise. Is everything… Are you okay?”
“Yes.” She kept her gaze fixed out the window. “Just didn’t expect to see him there, that’s all. It caught me off guard.”
“I’m sorry.” And I was. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel uncomfortable. If she’d felt even a tenth of what I’d felt on seeing Dominic, then that fucking sucked. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Her laugh was brittle. “I don’t. I really fucking don’t.”
I reached over to pat her knee. “Then we won’t.”
She took my hand and squeezed my fingers lightly. “You’re the best, you know that?”
My stomach churned with guilt as I remembered how I’d stood on that patio with Dominic, unable to tell him I wasn’t in love with him.
Kate deserved better. I would be better for her. After all, I loved her too. It wasn’t the same—of course it wasn’t. My love for her was like a cool stream. Sustaining and calm. Serene.
In contrast, what I felt for Dominic was like the ocean. Frightening. All-consuming.
It would drown me in a heartbeat if I let it.
Clearing my throat, I pulled my hand from hers under the guise of shifting gears. “I’m here if you change your mind.”
“Thank you.” She sighed. “Really. I appreciate that we don’t need to tell each other everything.”
So did I. Because as kind and understanding as she was, I doubted she’d be okay with what had gone down with Dominic tonight.
The guilt soured and curdled in my stomach as I tried to rationalise it. The person on that patio hadn’t been Kate’s Ryan. He was the one who’d materialised after. Who’d touched her back lightly as we made endless small talk and accepted congratulations from everyone who’d approached.
No, he’d been someone else. The person I’d buried. But Dom had taken a shovel to the earth, refusing to stop digging until he was uncovered. He’d grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him skywards until air filled his lungs once more.
I refused to let it bother me. I’d buried him once and I could do it again. This time, I’d make sure he went so fucking deep that Dominic would have no hope of finding him.
“Are you okay about seeing Max?” Kate asked. “I know the two of you aren’t…close.”
I grunted. Understatement of the year. “It wasn’t entirely unexpected. I knew he was back in the country. Didn’t think he’d gatecrash, but given he did the same thing at my stag do, I’m not really surprised.”
“He did?”
Shit. I’d forgotten to fill Kate in on that little detail. Because sharing it meant telling her that he hadn’t been alone. It meant telling her who had been with him.
A can of worms I’d been trying to avoid opening. Trust Dominic to make it happen anyway.
“Yeah.” I shot her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, totally forgot to mention it.”
“That’s okay.” She smiled brightly, unbothered. That was Kate. “It was nice to meet him, although we didn’t get time to chat much. Dominic’s great, though.”
My jaw went tight as I focused on the road. “Yeah. He’s okay.”
“Have him and Max been friends for long?”
“Since we were teenagers,” I said briefly.
“Huh.”
I glanced at her. “What’s that mean?”
“Nothing.” She fidgeted with the ends of her hair. “Just surprised you’ve never mentioned him, that’s all. If he and your brother were close when you were kids, he must’ve been part of your life too.”
As easily as that, the thawed gaps around my heart refroze. “He was friends with Max. Not me.”
“Ah.” Kate seemed to understand without me needing to explain. “In that case, I’m sorry, Ryan. No one should be made to feel left out. Especially not by your identical twin.”
“It is what it is,” I said, the breeziness concealing the old wound this conversation was exposing. “I’ve moved on.”
“Well, like you said, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
I smiled at her briefly before returning my attention to the road. Uncertainty was mingling with the guilt now. Was it odd that we weren’t confiding in each other?
No, you’re respecting one another’s boundaries. That’s all.
“You know what I was thinking?” Kate said suddenly. “Maybe we shouldn’t sleep together until the wedding night.”
“Really?”
“Well, we haven’t been intimate since before your stag do,” Kate said. I glanced over to see her still playing with her hair. “Not that I mind. I get it—we’ve both been super busy.”
Was that true? I thought hard and realised it was. I hadn’t even noticed. Kate was right; I had been super busy.
Super busy being distracted by thoughts of my ex, who’d taken up residence in my building and my mind.
“And it got me thinking,” Kate rushed on. “Maybe it’d make it more romantic if we waited. A celebration of our new life together. I know it’s old-fashioned, but I can’t get the idea out of my head, you know? That it’ll be special, then. A way to mark our fresh start together.”
“It sounds great,” I said gently. It obviously meant a lot to her if she was babbling like this. That only happened when she was really stressed. “Sure, we can wait.”
“Thank you,” she said, relief tinging her smile.
“Of course,” I murmured. To be honest, I shared her relief. Just holding her hand in front of Dominic had felt…weird. Wrong. Fucking her knowing there was a chance he might hear?
I couldn’t stomach it.
You’re not supposed to care about hurting him.
I wasn’t. But I did.
Fuck. Kate was right, waiting was a good idea. It’d give me a few weeks to sort this fucking mess out. To figure out how to close the door Dominic had kicked open.
Then Kate and I would have our fresh start.
Together.
It was almost one in the morning when I finally collapsed on my bed. Turned out Kate didn’t just want to wait to have sex, but to not even spend a night together. Part of me wondered if I should be upset about spending so much time away from her. Was it weird that I wasn’t?
Maybe this was part of growing up. Perhaps a healthy relationship equalled independence and a secure attachment style.
Wasn’t like I had another one to compare it to. ‘Healthy’ wasn’t a label that could ever be applied to what I’d shared with Dom.
After dropping Kate off, I’d got stuck behind an accident for an hour. It had given me far too much time to think. I wished it’d made a difference.
It hadn’t. I was still seventeen shades of fucked up.
My phone buzzed on my chest. I picked it up, wondering who on earth was texting me so late.
I stilled when I saw the message. It was an unknown number, but not an unknown person.
UNKNOWN
No Kate again tonight?
All fatigue fell away as my thumbs tapped at the screen.
RYAN
Who is this?
I smirked as I pictured his response. The scowl he’d be wearing.
UNKNOWN
So that’s the game we’re playing, huh Shadow?
Sighing, I saved his number. Just so I’d know if he bothered me again. I hesitated over the name entry. Once, as a kid, I’d saved him as ‘Dickhead.’ The same would’ve worked today, but I was more mature than that.
Tapping in ‘Dom,’ I rolled my eyes as another message came through.
DOM
I’m just saying, it’s fucking weird that you haven’t spent the night with your fiancée the whole time I’ve been here.
Yeah, I should’ve been less mature. Dom was definitely still a dickhead.
RYAN
This stalking is weird.
DOM
It’s not stalking to hear how many people walk past my door and into your place.
It’s called neighbourly courtesy and paper-thin fucking walls.
I bit my lip. He was right. They were thin. Sometimes, if I listened closely, I could hear the creak of his bedsprings as he rolled over. I hated how it’d make me catch my breath, the ache spreading between my legs.
I had no business thinking about him that way.
RYAN
So you’re saying you pay attention to everyone’s comings and goings?
DOM
No. Just yours.
RYAN
See - weird.
DOM
Nah. No one else interests me like you do. Never have done.
I dropped my phone on my chest and pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. What the fuck was I doing right now?
My phone buzzed once. Twice. I told myself to ignore it. To put the phone down and go to sleep.
Apparently, I was past the point of listening to good advice, even if I was the one giving it.
DOM
It is weird that she’s not there, especially tonight.
Trouble in paradise, Shadow?
My nostrils flared.
RYAN
You’d love that.
DOM
Yes. I would.
His quick response had me exhaling shakily. Who was this man? Dom hadn’t been kidding when he’d said he was laying it all on the line. He might be playing games, but there was no hiding what he wanted.
Me.
Question was, for how long?
No. It doesn’t matter because we’re never going back there. Ever.
RYAN
Not that it’s any of your business, but we’re waiting until the wedding.
DOM
Wait, are you saying you haven’t fucked her?
I huffed.
RYAN
Of course I have.
DOM
Just not since I came home.
RYAN
It has nothing to do with you.
DOM
If you say so.
My fingers tightened so hard on the phone that I was worried it would crack.
Dom wasn’t the only one who could play games.
RYAN
Is that what you want, for me to bring her back here so you can listen to me fuck her?
DOM
You know it isn’t.
RYAN
Really? Because from how you’re going on about it, you might think so.
DOM
Yeah, but you know better.
I did. I fucking hated that I did.