Chapter 12 #2
I ignored that, instead lingering on another photo of Ryan. My heart was pounding in my ears now. In this one, he was older. Probably a year or two younger than he was now. He was laughing, his head tossed back with abandon.
And at his side, laughing too, was Frank.
“I think you’d better fill me in on what I’ve been missing,” I said finally. I turned my back on the wall of memories, even as I yearned to give it more attention. Now wasn’t the right moment, not if I wanted to make it through this conversation unscathed.
I perched on the edge of the armchair while Frank took the sofa. He rubbed his hands together nervously. “Where would you like me to start?”
“How about why and how you’ve apparently become friends with the man I’m in love with?”
I’d half expected Frank to recoil at that. He’d never been outwardly homophobic growing up, but he’d judged me for everything he could, and here I was, handing him fresh ammunition on a platter.
Once more, my fears were unfounded. He smiled—a soft, happy smile that had me flashing back to those blurry days before everything went to shit. “Fuck. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.”
I dug my fingers into my thighs. “You don’t seem…surprised.”
He chuckled. “Because I’m not. Even if I didn’t know better, those photos would’ve given you away. You look at the kid like he’s the centre of your universe. If I’d been sober back then, I like to think I would’ve picked up on it.”
How did he know better? That was what I wanted to ask. Instead, a different question slipped out. “So you’re sober now?”
“Yes.” He took a deep breath. “Just gone ten years. Full disclosure—I fell off the wagon on the fifteenth anniversary of your mum’s death. Then again on what would’ve been our twentieth wedding anniversary. But both times, I was able to get back on the right path.”
“You were?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I had help though. I have a great sponsor through the AA. June was there for me a lot as well.”
My brows flew up. Since when had Frank been friends with Ryan and Max’s mum?
“She’s the one who got me the picture from your passing-out parade,” he croaked, still rubbing his hands together. “I wanted to be there, so badly. But I knew you wouldn’t want to see me. Your happiness was more important than mine.”
“Since fucking when?” I snapped.
“Since the day I woke up to Ryan hammering on my front door to tell me you’d left,” he said sadly. “After which he gave me several home truths I needed to hear. I knew then I had to change.”
The room tilted. “Ryan did what?”
“He came over the morning after you left. Around dawn, if I remember rightly, but it’s a little fuzzy. All my memories of those years are.”
“Because you were half-cut for all of them.”
“Yes.” He didn’t flinch. “I had a problem that I refused to acknowledge until I was forced to. And when I finally did? I’d already lost everything.”
I took a steadying breath. “And it was Ryan who showed you that?”
“Yes and no,” he said slowly. “He was the one who smacked me in the face and pointed out every single way I’d fucked things up with you. But really, it was you leaving that made me take the first step to fixing shit.”
I shot to my feet. “He punched you?”
Frank eyed me warily. “Yes. And for the skinny git he was, he put a fuck-tonne of power behind it.”
“If you dared touch him…” I growled, prowling closer. Fear was clouding my mind. Logically, I knew Ryan was fine. They even seemed to have formed some sort of relationship. But if Frank had laid a single finger on him…
“Cut me some slack,” Frank said wearily. “I may have beaten you down in every way possible, but I never raised a hand to you. Haven’t done to Ryan either. I needed a smack back then, and I’ve no doubt he’d give me another in the future if necessary too.”
Mollified, I returned to my seat. I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to process everything. “Okay, let’s backtrack. Ryan came here the morning I left?”
“Yes. Like I said, Ryan’s the reason I’m sober. Not why I started on this path—you leaving did that. It made me finally wake up. I’d already lost your mum, and thanks to my addiction, I lost you too. I got sober for you, but Ryan made sure I stayed that way.”
I lowered my hands. “What do you mean?”
“He’s been there for me over the years,” he said slowly.
“Refused to give up on me. Came back to see me every time he was home from uni. Phoned weekly to check in. Stopped by for a couple of hours every Christmas Day so I wasn’t alone.
Over the years we’ve taken up fishing together.
We have a trip coming up in a couple of days.
And those two times I fell off the wagon?
He was the one to drive me to rehab. He used every minute of those drives to remind me why I was doing this.
Why being sober was more important than any escape drinking would give me. ”
“Which was what?”
“You.” His eyes were covered in a sheen as they met mine.
“We both knew you’d never give me the time of day if I wasn’t sober.
You’re my reason, Dominic. I don’t deserve to have you in my life, I know that.
I wasn’t the father you needed after your mum died.
The things I said to you sometimes…” His words trailed off with a choked sob, and he lifted a shaking hand to wipe away a tear.
“It makes me want to drink to forget them. But I know that’s not the right thing to do.
I wish I’d realised that earlier. We lost so much time because of me.
I know that now, Dominic. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. ”
I couldn’t look at him any longer. “You think one apology is going to fix everything? You’re sitting here and telling me that you wouldn’t be sober if it weren’t for Ryan’s help. Which he’s been doing since he was eighteen. Don’t you see how wrong that is?”
Frank gave a dry laugh. “Have you tried telling Ryan no? He’s more stubborn than you are, and that’s saying something.”
I grunted. That was the most I’d agree with Frank.
“Besides, I like to think we helped each other,” Frank continued. “I wasn’t the only one broken and suffering back then.”
My spine stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Frank went quiet, back to rubbing his hands together. “That’s his story to tell. Not mine. All I have to say is—don’t break his heart this time, Dominic. I don’t have the right to ask anything of you, but please, don’t. He wouldn’t survive it again.”
Foreboding spread through me like a winter’s chill. Just what had happened that Frank couldn’t share?
“Don’t worry,” I said eventually. “I won’t. Anyway, I doubt he’ll let me close enough for that to happen.”
I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so negative about my chances. Maybe it was the photos. The memories of what we’d once had.
What we might never have again.
“Hmm.” Frank sat back in his seat, hands clasped over his now-slim belly. “I think you might be wrong there.”
“How so?”
“I’ve been close to the kid for a decade now, and aside from the times when he’s reminded me of why I need to stay sober, do you want to know how many times he’s brought you up?”
I suspected I wasn’t going to like the answer. “How many?”
“Once. Even when he sent me those photos, he didn’t mention you. Just said my wall was annoying him and to get them up as soon as possible.”
I flinched. Yep. I didn’t like that answer. “See? He doesn’t care.”
“On the contrary, he cares deeply.” Frank leaned forward on his knees. “He cares about you so much that he can’t talk about you. Because if he opened those floodgates, he wouldn’t be able to close them again.”
I pushed back the hope that was desperately trying to rise. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I was the same after losing your mother,” he said softly, his eyes finding the photo of her grinning that had caught my attention earlier. “I knew talking about her would help heal the wound her dying had caused. I didn’t want to do that. Living with the pain kept her here, in a way.”
My shoulders tightened. “And in doing so, you pushed me away.”
“Which will always be my biggest regret. I swear, Dominic, if I could choose to go back to one day, it wouldn’t be one when she was alive.”
“It wouldn’t?”
“No.” He reached out with a trembling hand to touch my knee.
“I’d go back to the day of her funeral. When I opened the bottle of Johnnie Walker thinking it’d get me through it.
I’d go back and pour it down the sink, then I’d go to you.
To give you the cuddle you needed. To promise you I’d be there.
That you might not have a mum, but that I’d be good enough that you wouldn’t feel like you were missing out. ”
There was no stopping the tears rolling down my face now. There was no urge to push his hand away either.
“But I can’t,” he whispered. “I’d give anything to do that, but all I can do is be there for you in the future.
In any way you’ll have me. I’ll never force my company on you or have any expectations.
I’ll accept whatever you decide to give me, even if it’s just the chance to have this one conversation. And I’ll be fucking grateful for it.”
I tensed, but before I could berate him, he held up a hand. “I’m not asking for a decision now, Dominic. The ball is in your court, and I mean that. The only thing I’ll ever ask you for is to try not to hurt Ryan.”
The fight left me as I slumped back in my seat. Here, in my childhood home, it was hard to muster the confidence and determination that usually dogged me where Ryan was concerned. He’d been right when he said there was so much I didn’t know about him. This visit here showed that.
“I won’t hurt him. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“I don’t think I need to worry about him hurting you either.” Frank gave me an encouraging smile. “That boy still loves you, Dominic. Mark my words.”
“You can’t be sure about that.”
“I can. Maybe you should ask me when the one time he mentioned you was.”
I waved a hand impatiently.
“It was the night you were injured.” His eyes found the scar on my neck. “I phoned him as soon as I got the call.”
I stiffened. “That must’ve been in the middle of the night.”
“One thirty-seven a.m. on Thursday the sixteenth of July,” Frank said quietly. “Ryan was at a conference in Cardiff. I thought he was back already, but I was mistaken.”
My jaw dropped at the fact that Frank remembered the date. The exact time. “That’s when he asked about me?”
“First thing he did before getting in his car and driving straight here.” Frank shook his head indulgently. “I hate to think how many speeding tickets he got, but he somehow shaved almost an hour off the journey. All because you were in danger.”
“And because he didn’t want you sitting, waiting for news, alone.”
“Don’t be daft, Dominic,” Frank said, not unkindly. “None of this was about me. If there’d been any feasible way for that kid to find his way into the military hospital, he would have.”
“He was what I thought of,” I whispered.
A distant part of me couldn’t believe I was here, let alone sharing this with Frank, of all people.
“When I lay dying in the dirt. All I could think was that I wasn’t going to get a chance to make things right with him.
That all this waiting and growing up was going to be for nothing. ”
“But it wasn’t. You’re here now, Dominic. Don’t let it be for nothing. Ryan loves you, he’s just scared to open up to you again.”
He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but somehow, hearing it from him made it real. Unlike me, he’d been here for the past ten years. He knew this version of Ryan better than I ever could. “He’s getting married.”
Frank snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, to Kate. If they know anything real about each other then I’ll walk naked down Farnborough High Street. Trust me, nobody wants to see that.”
“You’ve met her, then?”
“A few times.” Frank picked his cup up from the table. I debated doing the same, but it was probably cold by now. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s lovely. Kind, warm, funny. Beautiful, of course. But completely wrong for Ryan.”
I didn’t disagree but… “How can you be so sure?”
Frank thought for a minute. “Because he doesn’t come alive around her. There’s no joy in his eyes. It’s almost like he’s with her because he can be. Because he thinks he should be.”
He got to his feet suddenly and plucked the photo of us at the bonfire from the wall. “See this? That right there? How he’s looking at you? That’s love. There’s none of it there with Kate. Not once have I seen him look at her the way he did you.”
I took the frame from him, my heart in my ears as I stroked Ryan’s face through the glass. “I just need more time, Frank. He’s meant to marry her in three weeks.”
“You can do it, Dominic. Don’t play fair now.”
A plan started to come together in my mind. “You’re okay with me playing dirty?”
“Sure am. If it means the two boys in my life ending up happy? I’ll support whatever harebrained scheme you come up with.”
“In that case”—I put the picture to the side and grinned at my father—“I think we’d better discuss your upcoming fishing trip.”