Chapter 27 - Ryan
Ryan
My throat was thick as I carefully peeled the elastic band off the letters. I didn’t need to rifle through to find the oldest—the yellowing of the top envelope told me it was that one.
Dom’s handwriting was scrawled over the front in a single word.
Shadow.
I didn’t let myself question it, just ripped into the envelope and carefully unfolded the paper.
Shadow,
They’ve told us we have to write these letters home in case we’re killed in action.
Most of the lads are bitching about it being too morbid.
But I’m glad we’ve been made to do this.
I’d be stupid to not accept that this might be a possibility.
That I might not walk out of the plane, but be carried out in a coffin draped with a flag. I knew that the day I signed up.
But I didn’t know then what you’d come to mean to me. I didn’t have much to live for when I joined. Only Max. It wasn’t that I was suicidal. I wasn’t. But I was reckless. I didn’t give a shit what the outcome would be, just that it was a chance to get away from there.
I don’t want to be reckless now. Not if it costs me the chance to make things right with you. I finally have something to live for. Someone to get home to.
The thought that you might not be happy to see me… I can’t let myself think about it too much. I’ll go crazy if I do.
My breath hitched at that. At the knowledge that his fear had come true.
I hadn’t been happy to see him.
At least, if the worst does happen, you’ll get this letter. It’s not the same as me getting to see you again, but maybe that’ll be my punishment. Karma for lying to you. For leaving you. For destroying your trust. For breaking both our hearts.
I’m sorry, Shadow. Please know that. I never should have lied to you. I shouldn’t have told Max about us. I should’ve been upfront with you about my plans from the start.
It’s been eight months since that night, and I still see you every time I close my eyes, exactly as you were then.
Your green Caffeine Daydreams shirt, clinging to your skin thanks to the rain.
The faded blue jeans you love so much, even though they’ve got so many holes in that you can barely class them as trousers now.
Most of all, I can see your face. The utter betrayal that my actions put there. How your chest heaved as you shouted.
And, god, the tears. I made you cry.
I wish I could forget that the most. But I can’t. I don’t think I ever will.
What’s killed me more than anything is not speaking to you. I threw my phone away the night we left. I didn’t trust myself not to contact you and prolong the pain of me leaving. It’s why I haven’t asked Max for your number. I know I’ll end up using it.
Part of me wonders if it’d be easier if I knew more about what you were up to. All I know is that you’re at York University. That you didn’t choose art.
I kind of wish I didn’t know that. Why aren’t you pursuing your dreams, Ry?
You need to do what makes you happiest. If I’ve learned one thing over the past few months, it’s that.
Our time here is short, and anything but guaranteed.
However you spend yours, I hope it’s doing what makes you feel truly happy and fulfilled.
A tear splashed on the page. I wiped my eyes hurriedly, not wanting to smear the ink.
All this time, he’d wanted me to be happy. Happy and fulfilled with my life.
I didn’t think I was either of those things. Not truly.
I love you, Shadow. You’re part of me now. You don’t just own my heart, you are my heart. I’m sorry for everything that happened. The way I acted will haunt me until my dying day.
And if that day comes too soon, at least I know you’ll get this letter. That you’ll know how much I loved you.
Because I do. I love you, Shadow. You, not Max. You’re the one I go to sleep thinking about. The first person on my mind when I wake up. You haunt every conversation, every choice I make. There’s not a moment when I’m not wishing I could hear your voice or see your smile.
I’m sorry for everything.
I love you.
Your Dominic
PS Please put your happiness first
The letter fluttered to the coffee table as I buried my head in my hands.
And released ten years of grief.
I was glad there was no one around to see the snotty, snivelling mess Dom’s letter had reduced me to. After using half a toilet roll to clean myself up, I made my way through the next eight letters.
While the content was different, the sentiment was the same in each one. Dom’s love for me shone through as he told me about the places he’d been that year. Stories about the friends he’d made. How much he hated the food when they were out on patrol. The sights he’d seen and the friends he’d lost.
All of them repeated his apologies. His regrets. His wish that one day, we’d be reunited.
That I’d see him and smile.
Fuck, how I hated what had happened. I wished I could go back to my stag do.
I’d run up to him, throw myself into his arms, and whisper in his ear how glad I was to see him.
That I was fucking relieved he was home safe.
That I’d missed him. That I loved him. Hell, I wished I’d been waiting at the airport, so that I was the first familiar face he’d seen when he arrived back on home soil. It was the least he deserved.
And I’d given him none of that.
All of them ended the exact same way as the first.
I’m sorry for everything.
I love you.
Your Dominic
PS Please put your happiness first
I cried each and every time I read it.
I had to pause to glug down a bottle of water before opening the final letter. Thanks to the tears I’d shed, I was in danger of dehydrating.
The clock on the wall ticked ominously, warning me that I was running out of time. But I couldn’t stop reading. Not until I’d reached the end.
The final envelope was crisper than the rest, telling me it had spent the least amount of time in Max’s pocket.
Shadow,
I hope this is the last one of these that I write to you.
And fuck, I hope you don’t ever read it.
Not because I want to hide anything from you, but because of what it’ll mean. If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m dead.
Or he had an interfering best friend determined to right past wrongs.
It’ll mean I’ve failed in the one thing I’ve been trying to do.
Get back home to you.
I can almost hear you asking why I’ve waited so long. Why I voluntarily signed up for two more stints rather than coming home. It’s what I’d ask in your shoes.
It’s because I’ve been doing what you asked of me—growing up. All this time, I’ve been reflecting on the person I am. The man I want to become. I like to think I’m someone worthy of you now. Or, at least, someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve.
I’m not coming back empty-handed either.
That was the other reason I stayed so long.
The pay isn’t great, but living on base means my expenses have been super low.
Every penny I’ve earned has been going into one of two accounts.
The first is to invest in a company I’m starting with Taff.
I’ve left most of the decisions in his hands, except for the location.
It has to be within a thirty-minute drive of Farnborough.
Of the place I’ll once again be calling home.
Well, that’s not strictly true. My home is wherever you are. Seeing as you’re currently in Farnborough, that’s where I’ll be too.
The other account is for a house deposit.
I won’t be spending that for a while, though.
Not until I have you back at my side. I want to choose our home together.
Both of us. Somewhere where we can make new memories.
Enough that the joy of our present and future will erase the lingering pain of the past.
I’m so close to it, Shadow. So close to getting back to you. I’ve worked all these years to secure my future. A future I want to share with you.
I hope I’ll get that chance. That we’ll get it. I don’t want you to find out how I’ve missed you through these letters, but I hope Max gives you all of them if the worst happens. I want you to know how I’ve missed you, all these years. That everything I’ve done has always been with you in mind.
Even if it doesn’t feel that way.
You might be wondering why I’ve bothered telling you about my accounts in a letter you’ll only get if I die.
But I thought I should, seeing as all the money will be left to you.
Everything I own, actually. Not that there’s much, aside from the money I’ve saved.
Whatever I have, it’ll be yours. You’re the sole recipient named in my will.
All I ask is that you spend it on things that will make you happy. I don’t give a shit what that is, so long as you’re truly, honestly, happy.
If that can’t be with me, if I’m taken too soon, then at least I can go knowing I’ve taken care of you. Not how I hoped to, but maybe in a way that’ll be almost as good.
I’m sorry for everything.
I love you.
Your Dominic
PS Please put your happiness first
PPS And remember that I love you. That’s never changed, and never will.
So many emotions rolled through me that I didn’t know which to deal with first. Shock that Dominic had been saving for a house…a house for us. Grief at the fear that rang through in his words, fear that he wouldn’t get to say them in person.
There was also some anger at his belief that money might make up for his absence from my life.
Nothing could do that.
But that anger was easily eclipsed by the love. The complete and utter love I felt for Dominic.
That he felt for me.
Wiping my face, I took several deep breaths. Finally, everything was clear in my brain. There was no doubt. No what-ifs. No fear.
I loved Dominic.
He was the one I wanted to be with.
And I had to make that happen.
I glanced at the clock and winced. Almost an hour had passed with me reading his letters. Another sixty minutes where I’d left him in limbo. Where he was probably sitting somewhere, thinking about me marrying someone else.
God, I was hurting him so much.
Tempting as it was to call him, I knew he deserved better than that. I wanted him to look into my eyes as I told him I was his forever, just as he was mine. To know that I had no doubts.
Just like he’d never had about me.
Frustrating as it was, I couldn’t go to him immediately. I had to talk to Kate. Like Dom, she deserved to hear my decision face-to-face.
My footsteps were clipped as I marched down the hall to the bridal suite. There was no denying the guilt and shame I felt. I was about to break her heart. The woman I’d made a promise to, a vow to share a life with.
But I’d made it to someone else first. Dominic was right—I was his shadow. I was part of him.
And he was part of me.
Bracing myself, I knocked on the door. Kate’s voice rose inside. I couldn’t make out the words, but it was loud. Was she telling me to come in?
I wavered for a second. “Kate? Can I come in?”
“Yes,” she shouted back.
I twisted the handle and stepped inside. “Hey, Kate. Sorry to interrupt but—”
I froze, unable to believe what I was seeing.
I was interrupting, alright.
Because my fiancée was sat on the edge of a baby grand piano with her wedding dress pushed up to her waist, head thrown back in ecstasy. I realised her shout of ‘yes’ hadn’t been related to me knocking at all.
It was thanks to her stepbrother, who had his face buried between her legs.