7. Ryan
Ryan
I rubbed my eyes, trying to make them focus. It was no use. The text was jumping around the page.
Muttering a curse, I slammed the book shut. Fucking Dominic. It was all his fault. Two nights had passed since I’d been on my knees for him, and I’d had barely three hours of sleep spread across the both of them.
Whenever I closed my eyes, he was there. Staring down at me. Muttering praise. Tugging at my hair.
I’d had more confusing erections over the past forty-eight hours than during the rest of my teen years combined. I’d refused to touch myself though. I wasn’t getting myself off to memories of him.
I wasn’t gay, right? There wasn’t anything wrong with it, of course. But I liked girls. I wasn’t attracted to guys.
Then why do you keep getting hard every time you remember how Dominic came down your throat?
I groaned, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw stars. I just needed some sleep. That’d help. A solid eight hours and everything would make sense again.
It had to.
The quiet of the library wasn’t as reassuring as usual.
Without my book holding my attention, I tried to focus on the muttered conversations.
The small groups of friends who were using their lunch hour to revise.
All it did was remind me that I was sat here alone.
I had acquaintances, sure. But not friends.
I wondered what it must be like. It had been so long for me that I’d forgotten.
Focusing on that was better than letting my mind wander. Wandering led to Dominic. The other night. To what we did.
To the fact I hadn’t seen him since.
For most people, not seeing their brother’s best friend for a couple of days would be normal. Hell, I’d bet good money there were some who could go months at a time without crossing paths.
It wasn’t normal for us though. Dominic practically lived at our place. For years now, I’d walked into the kitchen for breakfast every day to find him sat at our table. Eating our food. Chatting with my family. He hadn’t even been on the bus to and from college.
I’d spent too many sleepless hours analysing his absence. Was he freaking out too? Or had he just chalked it up as one of the many wild experiences he’d probably had?
I was being ridiculous, really. Dominic likely hadn’t given a second thought to what had happened. I doubted he’d lost any sleep.
Max hadn’t been around either, which made sense. It stopped Mum questioning where Dominic had been. Like me, she knew that wherever they were, the two of them would be together.
I just fucking prayed that Dominic hadn’t mentioned anything to Max. We’d both said we wouldn’t tell anyone, but as for trusting Dominic’s word? Yeah, that wasn’t happening. Fucker had thrown me under the bus too many times for me to trust him.
Max hadn’t rubbed it in my face yet, which I was taking as a good sign. But maybe he was just waiting for the perfect moment to bring it up. Probably during the next argument I had with Mum and Dad.
What a way to be outed.
Could you be outed if it was just a one-off? I had no idea. Honestly, questioning my sexuality wasn’t something I’d had on my agenda for…well, ever. One ridiculous situation later, and suddenly I wasn’t certain about anything.
Heavy hands suddenly fell on my shoulders and squeezed, making me jump in my seat.“There you are, Shadow. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
My spine stiffened as heat rushed through me. I tried to shrug his touch off, but he held firm. Twisting in my seat, I glared up at him. “Get your hands off me.”
He smirked and lowered his head. His hot breath brushed over the inner shell of my ear. I had to clamp my teeth down on my lip to hold back my shiver. “That’s not what you said the other night.”
“Fuck off,” I snarled, shoving his hands off me, one after the other. “That’s not what happened and we both know it.”
Dominic’s low chuckle was cut off by someone clearing their throat. We both turned to see the librarian frowning at us, arms crossed over her chest. “This is a library. Either be quiet or take your horseplay elsewhere.”
“Sorry,” I muttered, feeling myself blushing. I sank down in my chair automatically. “Dominic’s just leaving.”
“Actually, we’re both leaving,” Dominic said, bending down to grab my bag. He tossed it over one shoulder and raised a brow at me expectantly. “Isn’t that right, Ry?”
I glared at him, a muscle jumping in my jaw. But with the librarian staring at us both, there was little else I could do.
I got up and walked out after him.
“What are you playing at?” I snapped as we stepped out into the sunshine. “I don’t want or need your company, Dominic.”
“Again, not what you said the other night.”
My cheeks burned but I refused to lower my gaze. “I said nothing of the sort.”
He hummed. “Maybe not explicitly, but you bartered for my protection, remember? I’m just following through on my end of the bargain.”
I almost tripped over my own feet. In truth, I had forgotten. Or, at least, it seemed unimportant given what had followed. “How is dragging me out of the library giving me protection?”
He rolled his eyes. “Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?”
I debated punching his annoying face. Maybe that would make me feel better. “Meaning what?”
“Meaning you should understand that being seen with me is the easiest way to get people to leave you alone. Can’t do that if you spend all your free time in the library, Shadow.”
I grunted, more out of annoyance than agreement. The day I agreed with Dominic Walker was the day hell froze over. “I have exams next month. I have to revise.”
“Didn’t look much like you were revising to me.”
“How would you know?” I bit back. “I’ve literally never seen you open a textbook. How you passed your GCSEs is beyond me.”
“Natural gifts.”
I snorted. “That won’t work for your A-levels.”
Dominic shrugged. “Good grades aren’t important for my future.”
Now I was the one rolling my eyes. “Good grades are important for any future.”
“Not mine.”
“Why d’you even come here if you believe that?”
“Because Max is here.” He shot me a look that suggested I was being stupid again. To be fair, I should’ve expected that answer.
Didn’t mean I had to like it though.
Dominic’s pace increased as we neared the drama building. My stomach sank as I realised where he was taking me. The smoking area was behind here. It was where the popular crowd hung out.
Aka, Dominic, Max, and their cronies.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I muttered.
“You worry too much.”
“And you don’t worry enough.”
He winked. “Life’s too short for that. You gotta live in the moment, Shadow. That’s where you’re going wrong.”
Fuck that. That was what I’d done the other night and look where it got me.
I wasn’t surprised that Dominic hadn’t said more about it. Like me, he probably wanted to forget it had ever happened.
It was done now. Dominic had agreed to look out for me, and neither of us needed to bring it up ever again. It was the perfect solution.
We rounded the corner and the group of laughing students had my feet pausing. The banter was flowing thick and fast. I knew most of them by name, but that was as far as it went.
They were Max’s friends. Not mine. He’d made that abundantly clear.
“Come on,” Dominic said, grabbing my forearm and hauling me forwards. “Fake it until you make it, Shadow.”
“Fake what?”
“Confidence,” he said bluntly. “It’s what everyone else does. Pretend you don’t give a shit what they think about you, and soon that’s what they’ll all believe.”
That couldn’t be true, could it? Was Dominic right? Was everyone else just pretending and hoping no one saw through the facade?
There was no time to question it, not with the speed at which he was hauling me forwards.
Max was the first to see us. Perched on top of a metal railing with his cigarette paused halfway to his mouth. His confused eyes narrowed as they lowered to where Dominic was still gripping me.
My stomach sank. Max wouldn’t like this, nor would he let it pass without saying anything.
Sure enough, as soon as we were within hearing distance, Max piped up. “Dom, where the fuck have you been?”
It was as though I wasn’t even there. I rolled my eyes internally, and wondered for the millionth time what I’d done to make Max hate me so.
The group fell silent, curious eyes bouncing between us and Max. They knew who I was, just as I knew who they were. That didn’t mean they weren’t confused as to what I was doing there.
“Had to go and find Shadow,” Dominic said, giving Max a lopsided grin. He finally dropped my arm, my skin burning from the contact. “He was hiding in the library again.”
Max’s gaze landed on me. “That’s where he likes to hang out—right, Ryan?”
I knew what he was hinting at. He wanted me to fuck off back to the library and leave him and his friends alone.
Me too, Brother. Trust me.
Before I could do just that, Dominic dropped my bag on the floor and hauled himself onto the railing beside Max. He plucked the dangling cigarette out of Max’s fingers and took a drag. “Nah. He’s had enough of that today so he’s hanging out with us. Unless anyone has a problem with that?”
Everyone was quick to mumble their consent, no one daring to challenge Dominic.
Everyone, that was, except Max.
He was openly glaring at Dominic. To his credit, Dominic didn’t back down, just took another drag of Max’s cigarette and raised an eyebrow.
I tried to pretend that the silent conversation they were clearly having didn’t hurt. That I wouldn’t kill to have that level of understanding with someone. Where one look could convey everything you were thinking.
I’d had that with Max, once. Now he shared it with someone else.
Eventually, Max huffed. “Whatever. Ryan, this is everyone. Everyone, Ryan.”
Several people greeted me. I fought the urge to duck my head, repeating what Dominic had told me. Fake it until you make it.
Instead, I upnodded them casually, as though hanging out with this crowd was no biggie. Just something I did every day.
“Come sit here, Shadow.” Dominic patted the railing beside him. “Get yourself comfy.”
With everyone watching me curiously, including Max, I had no choice but to haul myself up beside him. It took me two attempts, and even when I was in place, my balance was off. Dominic had to grab my shoulder and shove me up before I finally settled.
To my surprise, no one said a word. They didn’t tease or mock me. They didn’t even let their eyes linger too long.
It had to be the Dominic effect, I thought bitterly. Something Max had benefitted from for years, simply by being himself.
Me though? I’d had to get on my knees.
Conversation broke out around us, Max pointedly turning his back to speak to someone on his other side. I didn’t doubt that he’d bring this little incident up the instant we got home.
“Sit still,” Dominic hissed, grabbing my thigh as I once again lost my balance and slipped backwards. “How can your balance be this bad?”
“Because I don’t usually sit on a three-inch-wide fucking rail,” I hissed back. “And stop fucking touching me.”
His tongue flicked out over his lower lip and I could see everything he wanted to say. ‘That’s not what you said the other night.’ Or maybe, ‘I’ll touch you whenever I like if you want my protection to continue.’
Maybe I was imagining it. Or maybe Dominic, like me, was aware of our audience. “Stop wriggling and I won’t need to.”
A new voice entered the conversation. “Want one?”
I looked up to see a pretty girl holding out a packet of cigarettes. Maya, I thought that was her name. With the pink streaks in her hair and two piercings in her nose, she was effortlessly cooler than I could ever be.
I flushed at the shy smile she was giving me. I didn’t think she’d ever looked in my direction before, let alone spoken to me. “Umm?—”
“He doesn’t smoke,” Dominic said curtly. “You’re a good boy, isn’t that right, Shadow?”
I knew he was being sardonic, but his words had me flashing back to the other night. To how he’d praised me while I choked on his cock. I leaned forwards with a cough, letting my T-shirt pool on my lap. Please don’t let anyone see that I’m hard. “I don’t know about good.”
Max snorted, obviously tuning back into the conversation. “Please. Ryan’s a goody-two-shoes to his core. I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes back home to tell Mummy he saw me smoking today.”
An uncomfortable titter broke out as I felt the back of my neck get hot. It was odd that no one was joining in with the jibes. It hadn’t stopped them in the past when Max had got on one. “I didn’t plan on saying anything, actually.”
He rolled his eyes like he didn’t believe me, but I was telling the truth. If Max wanted to pump his lungs full of a cancerous pollutant then that was on him. I had no interest in dobbing him in. It would only lead to more arguments and tension.
Two things I’d happily live without.
“Shadow. That’s a fun nickname,” Maya said, clearly trying to change the subject. “Where does that come from?”
My neck flushed hot again. Fuck. I didn’t want to hear Dominic explain. That’d lead to more laughter. More stares. I already felt like I was coming out of my skin, and this would only make it worse. Could I just leave? Or would Dominic drag me back?
Before I could decide, Dominic spoke. “It’s my nickname for him. No one else can call him that.”
I jerked beside him. What the fuck? So it was okay for Dominic to take the piss, but not for anyone else?
Actually, yeah. That tracked. He’d said he’d protect me from others. He hadn’t said anything about himself.
Dominic said it with such a tone of finality that no one questioned it. Maya’s mouth popped open in surprise, and she quickly turned to chat to someone else.
Gradually, conversation started around us again. Everyone was talking, exchanging stories and inside jokes. Making plans for later.
Everyone except me, Dominic, and Max. The three of us sat in silence. I could feel Max’s eyes burning a hole in my temple. I knew he was trying to figure out why I was there and why Dominic was acting so…weird.
I knew why I was there, but as for the rest? I had no idea.
As for Dominic? Fuck knew what he was thinking. I could spend a million years studying him, and I wouldn’t be able to figure him out.
One thing was for certain—I didn’t want to.