15. Ryan
Ryan
Dominic didn’t come to my room that night.
I’d held my breath after hearing him leaving Max’s room, waiting for the tell-tale scrape of his boots on the porch.
But it never came.
It didn’t happen on any of the nights that followed, either.
It wasn’t like I was seeking him out though. After parting ways with him in the gym, I’d taken the chickenshit option and avoided the smoking area. I was back to having lunch in the library.
Alone.
Worse, Dominic never appeared. He didn’t insist my place was at his side or drag me out of there.
It was like none of it had ever happened at all.
Just as he’d said it would be.
I wished I could say that stopped me drawing him. My sketchpad would call me a liar, though.
It hadn’t stopped me thinking about him either. Replaying our last conversation and wondering if I’d made the right call. If talking about shit would’ve made all this better.
It wouldn’t have though, not with what I wanted to say. It would’ve just complicated things further. Because the truth was, I didn’t even knowwhat I wanted, other than to be around him. I’d thought that getting a break from him might help. That distance would help normality return.
But it didn’t. I just…missed him. Missed his intense stares and dark chuckles.
The soft sound of his breathing as he slept.
How he challenged me. The way being around him made me feel…
alive. Like someone was finally seeing me for the first time.
It was a heady, addictive feeling. Now it had been stripped away, I was yearning for it.
I was lying on my bed, headphones on, when my door banged open.
Max was in my doorway, saying something. Sitting up, I yanked my headphones off, thankful my sketchpad was closed. “What?”
“Why aren’t you ready?” he said impatiently.
I stared at him, confused. “Huh?”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s Amy’s party and we’re late. Hurry up.”
I snorted, lifting my headphones back over my head. “Nah, I’m not going.” Rough hands yanked my headphones away. I looked up to meet my twin’s glare. “What the fuck? Give them back.”
“Get changed,” he said curtly. “I don’t want you there any more than you do, but we don’t have a choice.”
“Gee, thanks for the love,” I said sarcastically. “Let me jump right to it.”
Max blew out a breath and shifted on his feet. “Look, Amy wants you there. If you don’t go, she’ll think it’s because of me.”
I snatched my headphones out of his hands. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before being a dick for the past seven years.”
Max sighed, running his hand through his hair. How he got it to look like that, I’d never know. We might have had the same hair, but where his was artfully messy, mine looked more like I’d stuck a finger in a plug socket. “Okay, don’t do it for me. Do it for Dominic.”
My shoulders stiffened. “What?”
“There’s something up with him,” Max said, fidgeting with his sleeve. “He won’t talk about it, but he’s been fucking miserable since the day…”
“The day you were a dickhead and we both told you to fuck off?”
Max scowled. “Not exactly how I remember it, but yeah.”
I picked at a stray piece of cotton on my jeans. “It’s got nothing to do with me.”
“See, I’d like to believe that, but despite what Mum and Dad think, I’m not stupid.”
I frowned up at him. “They don’t think you’re stupid.”
“Please.” He rolled his eyes again, crossing his arms. “Anyway, you’re no longer hanging around and Dominic keeps sulking. I don’t know what the fuck is going on between you two but it needs to get fixed.”
“Nothing,” I said hollowly, trying to ignore the rising heat in my cheeks. “Nothing is going on.”
“Whatever.” Max’s phone buzzed. “Amy wants to know where we are. Come on, don’t do it for me. Do it for Dominic.”
“He won’t want me there.” That he hadn’t dragged me out of the library or so much as looked at me on the bus proved that. “Trust me, me going there isn’t going to help his mood.”
“Fine. If that’s the case then I’ll admit I made a mistake. Just…do this? Please?”
I couldn’t remember the last time Max had asked me for anything other than to leave him alone. That was the only reason I stood up.
Not because of Dominic.
Sure.
God, you knew things were bad when even your inner voice called you out.
Before I got to the door, Max stopped me with a frown. “You can’t go like that.”
“Why not?” I glanced down at my outfit. Okay, it wasn’t the fanciest. Just a Henley and jeans, but they were clean. “I don’t have anything else. It’s not like I’m out all the time like you.”
“I have to do fucking everything, I swear,” Max muttered, disappearing from my room. When he returned, he had one of his shirts and a pair of trousers. “Here. Wear these.”
I stared at them, unsure what his angle was. “Why?”
“Because you look like shit,” he said bluntly. “These clothes make me look good, and seeing as we’re identical, they’ll make you look good too. Now put them on and hurry the fuck up before Amy has my balls.”
I hadn’t been to a party since I was a kid, but nothing about the scene I walked in on surprised me.
Loud music thumped through the air, making my feet automatically tap out the beat.
Amy had changed the lightbulbs out for red ones, the glow picking out the drifting smoke from the various cigarettes and joints being passed around.
Max ditched me within seconds, going straight to Amy and sweeping her off her feet. Jealousy panged. It was a common feeling when seeing my twin with girls. What was odd was the reason behind it. It wasn’t because he was making out with a girl.
It was the ease of their connection. The surety and confidence he had to just be able to stroll through a crowded room and claim her as his.
Would I ever have that?
Tearing my gaze away, I searched through the countless bodies. I tried to tell myself I was looking for Josh or Craig, but even after I located them, my eyes kept moving.
The crowd parted and there was Dominic. Right in the centre of the room, the red bulbs illuminating the sharp lines of his face.
And the girl in his arms.
I couldn’t move as I watched them gyrate. They weren’t kissing, just dancing. Somehow that was worse. If his lips had been against hers, I wouldn’t have been able to see the heat in his eyes. The laser focus I was used to being aimed my way.
Max was wrong. Dominic wasn’t sulking or missing me.
He was just fine.
This is what you wanted, right? To have a way out of this toxic fuck-up without having a conversation?
It had been, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“Here.” I jumped as a cold bottle of beer was pressed into my hand. Max was beside me, Amy having been distracted by her friends.
My twin followed my gaze, giving a soft laugh. “Guess I was wrong. Whatever Dominic’s stressing about has nothing to do with you.”
His words pierced my heart. Because he was right. I might’ve been tearing myself into pieces over whatever had happened with me and Dominic, but I’d been the only one.
Evidently, Dominic didn’t give a shit.
“I’m gonna go,” I muttered, trying to give the bottle back to Max. “This was stupid.”
Amy popped up at Max’s shoulder, her eyes wide like a puppy’s. “No! You can’t leave, the party’s just getting started.”
Max shot me a warning look and I just rolled my eyes. I’d stay, but only because Amy was sweet and I couldn’t say no to her. Not when her lower lip was literally wobbling. “Okay, I guess I can stay for a bit.”
“Yay.” She clapped her hands together.
A new song started and saved me from further conversation. She gave a squeal, tugging a reluctant Max towards the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the room. The volume was kicked up several notches as the hot and sultry beat beckoned others to join them.
Me? I retreated to the wall. I’d promised Amy I’d stay for a bit, and I would.
Precisely until I’d finished this drink. I didn’t even fucking like beer, but I’d take anything to numb the feelings rushing through me.
With one foot leaning on the wall, I took a slow drink of my beer. Don’t look at them. Don’t torture yourself.
Maybe I was a secret masochist, because that’s exactly what I did.
It didn’t help that they were now directly in my eyeline. The girl was Gabriella, I realised. Someone both Dominic and Max had talked about at length in the past. Exchanging sordid details about what they’d do to her if she ever gave them the time of day.
Looked like that time had come for Dominic.
Gabriella’s back was to me, her long, dark hair brushing against Dominic’s hands. The hands I’d drawn so often I could do so from memory alone.
The hands that spanned her entire waist.
Dominic hadn’t seen me. I was standing right in front of him, and I might as well have been invisible.
If that wasn’t a metaphor for my entire life so far, I didn’t know what was.
He said something that had Gabriella throwing her head back on a laugh. I took another swig of beer, praying this would be the sip that numbed the emotions churning in my stomach. Ones I’d experienced before, many times, but not in this context.
Jealousy.
Desire.
Heartache.
Fuck it. I didn’t need to stay here. Amy was occupied with Max. She wouldn’t know if I snuck out.
At the moment I came to that decision, Dominic’s attention finally shifted from the girl in his arms. I knew the exact second he spotted me. The instant his brain processed that I was mere feet away from him, casually sipping on a beer while he flirted with someone else.
How did I know?
It was easy. Kind of satisfying too, actually. His lips parted as he froze, the blood draining from his face.
Our eyes met and everything else faded away. It was just the two of us, staring at each other across the room, a million words we couldn’t bring ourselves to say trying to force their way to the surface.
Just the two of us, and the girl in his arms.
I lifted my bottle in a mock salute before draining it. Fuck this. I didn’t know what had been going on between us, but it was done.
It was fucking done.
And so was I.