26. Ryan
Ryan
The next day, both Dominic and I were riding the high of the night before. More ‘I love yous’ had been followed by yet more sex.
Dominic wouldn’t fuck me again though. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, he insisted it was too soon. I couldn’t grumble too much, not with how each movement sent an unfamiliar twinge through me.
And it wasn’t like Dominic had left me wanting. He’d gone to his knees for me in the shower. Pinned me up against the wall as we towelled off, jerking us together in one of his big hands until we came over our abs.
Then, after we’d talked through most of the night, we lazily ground together, our lips never parting as we came a final time.
We didn’t sleep, but it was okay. We were young, stupid, and in love. Who needed sleep when we had all of that going for us?
Remembering not to touch him the following day was harder than ever before. We watched various bands with Max and Amy, our shoulders brushing. Occasionally, when we knew they were occupied, we’d catch each other’s fingers and squeeze briefly.
I lived for those moments.
Dom and Max were drinking steadily throughout the day. Amy and I had a few, but didn’t attempt to keep up. Poor Amy would be on the floor. As for me? I didn’t trust myself not to accidentally reveal something I shouldn’t. Staying sober was safer all round.
Unfortunately, I realised too late that it wasn’t my drinking I should have been worried about.
“This has been so much fun,” Dominic shouted, thrusting his pint into the air and causing some of it to spill over the side. “The best weekend ever!”
Max grinned, swinging his arm over Dominic’s shoulder. “And it’s only the beginning. Think of all the adventures we’re going to have.”
I had to turn away, swallowing the bitterness as I did so. It was so easy for Max. He could touch Dominic and nobody would think anything of it. He could talk about their future plans and no one would question it.
But I had to stay silent. I had to keep my hands to myself.
I glanced back as Dominic whooped loudly. He was grinning fiercely at my twin. “Fuck yes. Watch out, world, here we come.”
The bitter taste expanded until nothing else existed.
Amy nudged my arm. “Isn’t their friendship great? I wish I had something like that.”
I forced myself to smile. “You and Maya are close, right?”
“Kinda.” She shrugged. “Not like those two though. What they share is special. You don’t see a bond like theirs every day.”
No. You didn’t.
Dominic chose that moment to break away from Max. He swayed on his feet as he approached me, flinging his arms wide. “Shadow! There you are.”
He grabbed me in a hug, hiccupping in my ear. “Been looking for you.”
I sighed, patting his back. I wanted to do so much more, but with Max and Amy looking on, this was the best I could do. “I’ve been right here, Dom. All night.”
“Not close enough,” he murmured, nuzzling my neck. “Want you close. All the time. Why can’t I have that?”
Max paused, a bottle of beer to his mouth. The fog of alcohol seemed to clear as his eyes locked onto where Dominic’s lips were brushing my throat.
Shit.
Shoving Dominic lightly, I stepped back with a weak laugh. “You’re officially pissed, Dom.”
“Am not.” He pouted, and I decided right there and then that a pouting Dominic should be illegal. No one had the right to be that fucking adorable while also being six foot four and built like a brick shithouse. “Why are you all the way over there? Come back here.”
Amy gave a nervous chuckle. “Is the beer making you gay, Dominic?”
I stiffened. From the corner of my eye, I saw Max do the same. “Don’t be stupid, Amy. Dominic’s not gay . He just feels sorry for Ryan, that’s all. Knows he wouldn’t have any friends or life if he didn’t include him.”
That wasn’t true. I knew it wasn’t.
Didn’t stop a yawning pit opening in my stomach.
I waited for Dom to say something. Anything. But when I looked over at him, he was staring at the sky, singing softly under his breath. Had he even heard?
He couldn’t have. Dominic would have defended me if he had. I was sure of it.
Besides, it wasn’t like I couldn’t speak up for myself. I opened my mouth to do just that, but Amy got there first.
“What the fuck is your problem, Max?” she said hotly, her hands going to her hips. “First you call me stupid, then you’re a dick to Ryan?”
“What?” Max frowned down at his girlfriend. “I didn’t call you stupid.”
“Yes, you did.” I noticed he didn’t deny his behaviour towards me. “Or am I so stupid that I misunderstood?”
As a heated argument broke out between them, I drifted to Dom’s side. He was listing dangerously to one side, still singing quietly. After shooting a quick glance at Max to make sure he was distracted, I put my arm around his waist to study him. “Come on, let’s get you back to the B and B.”
“Okay,” he said, leaning heavily into me. “Love you, Shadow.”
I winced. The volume of his voice was a lot louder than it should’ve been given what he’d said. “Ssh now, Dom.”
He pouted. Again. “Not until you tell me you love me too.”
“You know I do,” I whispered. “I love you, Dom. Now we need to go and get you some water and bed.”
“Fine.” He sighed dramatically. “But just know I love you the mostest of all. Of everyone. You’re my Shadow, no one else’s.”
If he hadn’t been several shots of J?germeister deep, I’d have asked him to repeat those words so I could memorise them. So I could replay them until the sound was as familiar as my own name. As it was, I just chuckled. “Who knew you’d be such an adorable drunk?”
Dominic didn’t reply, just went back to singing. When I concentrated, I could just about make out the lyrics to ‘Something’ by Caffeine Daydreams. “For the love of all that’s holy, say there’s something, that makes you need me too.”
I smirked inwardly. For all his protests about not liking the band, he’d sure listened to a lot of them over the past few weeks. He claimed it was because he knew I’d want to see them this weekend.
Secretly, I thought he had a soft spot for them. Just like he had a soft spot for me. But not in the way Max said. It was okay that he thought that, though. He didn’t know what was really going on between Dominic and me.
But I did.
I knew the truth.
I lifted my head to tell Max and Amy that we were leaving, to find only Max there. He was already watching us. There was a peculiar expression on his face. Like he was seeing more than he had before. More than I’d ever intended him to.
It had the sour taste returning, but there was a new flavour to it now.
Fear.
I shook it off. I was imagining things. Overthinking as usual. “Going to take Dom back.”
Max didn’t say anything, he just continued to watch us, his eyes turning calculating.
I tried not to think about it as we left, brushing it off as nothing.
But I felt Max’s gaze on us until we were out of sight.
I was on pins and needles for the next couple of weeks, waiting for Max to say something. To detonate the bomb and ruin everything for me. For us.
After all, there’d been a reason why both Dominic and I had wanted to keep this from him. We both knew he wouldn’t react well.
It’ll be okay, I told myself constantly. He probably didn’t hear what Dom said. And even if he did, it’s not like Dom will dump me. He loves me.
Dom had no recollection of that night, and I didn’t enlighten him. Max didn’t bring it up in front of us either, but that was likely because of Amy. Their argument at the festival had spiralled into a massive falling out, culminating in Amy breaking things off.
Thinking about it, that was likely what had kept Max from challenging me about Dom. He was too focused on his own issues to worry about anything else.
I should’ve known it wouldn’t last. But when the bomb exploded, it didn’t come in the form I’d been expecting.
Dom was working a late shift at the chippy.
I’d spent a few hours there before heading home to shower.
He’d be coming over after work like he usually did, and thanks to the ridiculous heatwave we were experiencing, I needed to shower before he arrived.
Based on the storm clouds blocking out the sun, we were finally going to get a break in the weather. I couldn’t fucking wait.
Dom hadn’t fucked me since the festival, neither of us wanting to risk it with the thin walls.
That hadn’t stopped us reliving it. Whispering memories of how it had felt as we ground together.
Planning future positions as Dominic took us both in hand.
Him telling me how good I’d been as I went down on him.
I put my key in the front door and paused at the sound of raised voices. Max’s didn’t surprise me, but Mum’s did. Not because she didn’t shout at him sometimes, but because of the tone.
Was she…crying?
Alarm shot through me as I hastily opened the door and a wave of noise hit me. Max was indeed yelling, my dad’s voice now rising to join his.
And Mum…Mum was crying.
I rushed into the kitchen and skidded to a halt. Mum was at the table, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Dad and Max were both on their feet, cheeks beet red as their chests heaved. “What’s going on?”
“Good, you’re here,” Dad said, gesturing at Max. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”
“Oh yeah, golden boy to the rescue.” Max sneered, his knuckles white as he gripped the back of a kitchen chair. “I told you, this is happening.”
Dad gritted his teeth. “Over my dead body.”
“I’m eighteen. You can’t stop me.”
I was so fucking confused. “Stop you doing what?”
Max’s throat bobbed before he lifted his chin defiantly. “Joining the army. I start basic training in two weeks.”
I stared at him in shock. “But…that’s before our results come out.”
No idea why that was what my brain fixed on.
Max rolled his eyes. “Told you I didn’t need them. Now you know why. I signed up months ago. Plan was always to leave before Results Day.”
I rubbed at my temples, trying to keep up. “So that’s it? You’re just…leaving?”
I should have been happy about it. No more Max sneering at me whenever I opened my mouth. Dominic and I wouldn’t need to hide anymore. Not that I was ready to come out right now…but maybe we wouldn’t need to wait as long as I’d thought.
For some reason, I wasn’t happy though. Max was a dick, but he was still my brother.
My twin. He was only eighteen. How was that old enough to join the military?
For fuck’s sake, the UK was actively fighting in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
My stomach flipped as I thought about Max under the desert sun.
Facing off against militants with sniper rifles.
Thousands of miles away from everyone he knew and loved.
How could I be happy about that? I couldn’t. Especially when it wasn’t just me being affected. Just look how upset Mum and Dad were. However they were feeling, Dominic was going to feel ten times worse.
How could Max do this to him? There was no way he knew. I would’ve heard about it before now. He wouldn’t be happy about Max doing this.
Some of the determination in Max’s expression crumpled as Mum sobbed harder. He shuffled closer and placed a hand awkwardly on her shoulder. “Come on, Mum. It’s not that bad. I won’t be able to come home in the first few months, but I’ll call and write as often as I can.”
“I don’t want you to go,” Mum hiccupped. “You’re my baby. You can’t just leave.”
Helpless. That was how Max looked as he stared down at our mother. Helpless and surprised. Was it any wonder though? Had he honestly thought she wouldn’t care about him leaving? About her teenage son choosing a path that put him in direct danger?
I think he did believe that. For the first time, I understood what Dominic had been alluding to all those months ago. Max believed our parents loved us differently. That they cared more about me than him.
This only proved how wrong he’d been. I didn’t think I’d ever seen either of them so heartbroken.
“I have to,” Max said quietly. “Everything’s been signed. They’re expecting us on the third.”
Something about that sentence had alarm bells ringing, but what was it?
Before I could wonder about it, Max continued. “Besides, even if they weren’t, I can’t let Dominic down. This was his idea. I can’t let him go alone. I won’t.”
‘ I can’t let Dominic down.’
‘ This was his idea.’
‘ His idea.’
‘ His idea.’
The room seemed to tilt. I grabbed onto the back of a chair to steady me. “What?”
Max’s eyes shifted to me. Was that guilt shining there? “We’re both due at Aldershot barracks on the third of August.”
It was like my brain was refusing the information. Maybe it was. If we didn’t accept it, maybe it wouldn’t be true. “You and Dominic? No. There’s no way.”
Mum started to cry again and Max’s expression shifted. The familiar poison was back. “Yes. Me and Dominic. Both of us.”
Both of them. Together.
Once again, leaving me behind.
The sound of my heart cracking was almost deafening.