27. Ryan #2
Or maybe I had. Maybe I’d been so caught up in Dominic that I’d ignored every red flag we’d raced past.
Because this was the end. I knew it in my bones.
“How can you say that?” I said slowly. “How can you stand there and promise me that?”
“What?” Dominic frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“You lied to me,” I whispered. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time.”
“It wasn’t really a lie. I just…hadn’t got round to telling you yet.”
I stepped back until his hands fell away. How did his touch, which once felt like home, suddenly feel so foreign? “So those plans we made for when I go off to uni, those weren’t lies? Because agreeing to something you know you won’t be able to do feels like a lie to me.”
“But we can do those things,” Dominic said desperately. “They weren’t lies because we don’t have to break up. We can do long-distance, Ry, just like we planned.”
I laughed bitterly. “There was me thinking long-distance would mean hundreds of miles apart, when it’s actually going to be thousands.”
“I don’t care how far it is. I don’t give a shit if there’s a million fucking miles between us, Shadow. You’ll still be mine.”
His. What a joke. “Kind of hard to follow through on those plans when you don’t even know where in the world you’ll be. Max has already told me you won’t be granted leave for the first few months. Guess you were taking some liberties when you were arranging all those meet-ups in the Autumn.”
Thunder crossed Dominic’s face. “Max needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut.”
I gave a disbelieving laugh. “You mean he needs to learn how to be a better liar, like you?”
“I wasn’t lying!” Dominic’s voice rose to a shout. “For fuck’s sake, Shadow. I was going to tell you, I swear. I just never found the right moment.”
My toes brushed his as I got in his face. “Never the right moment? Don’t give me that bullshit. You’ve been in my bed for months, Dom. We’ve spent endless fucking hours together. You’re many things, but I didn’t realise you were a coward.”
His hand went to my throat, and he caressed the skin with his thumb. “Was I being a coward for not wanting to ruin things? For not wanting you to look at me like you are right now? For wanting to make the most of the little time we had before I went away?”
I pushed his hand off. “That’s the thing, Dom. You knew we were on borrowed time, but I didn’t. I didn’t, because you didn’t tell me. ”
Pain flickered across his face as he reached out to grab me again. I stepped out of his reach, shooting him a warning look. “Don’t.”
Rain began to fall all around us, but I barely noticed it. I was too busy tracking Dominic’s hand. How his trembling fingers curled into a fist. How he lowered it to his side, holding it tightly against his body.
Despite everything, I wanted to go to him. To smooth his hand out and lace his fingers with mine. To kiss the frown lines from his forehead.
But I couldn’t. That wasn’t what we were now.
We would never be that again.
Fuck. How was I still standing? Why wasn’t this over?
Because you have more to say.
“As for how I’m looking at you right now, that’s nothing to do with the plans you kept from me.” I wanted to finish this so I could retreat. Break down in private, so Dominic would never know how truly he’d broken me. The power I’d given him to break me.
His jaw was tight, but he didn’t look away from me. “What do you mean?”
Seriously? He had to ask? “Remember what else you promised me? The agreement we both made not to tell anyone?”
Dominic’s eyes fluttered closed as his lips formed a silent curse.
“Yeah,” I said bitterly. “Guess you were lying about that too. Dominic Walker, the good liar.”
His eyes flew open at that. “Well, there’s one thing I didn’t lie about, Shadow. I love you.”
“How can I believe that?”
“Because you know it’s true,” he said fiercely. “I love you, Ryan.”
“Why?”
His brows twitched. “Why what?”
“Why do you love me?” I said slowly. “Do you love me because I have sex with you?”
“Of course not,” he snapped. “I love you because you’re you . Because you refuse to follow the crowd. Because you go your own way. I love you because you make me laugh. Because you’re not afraid of me. Because you make me happy .”
I wanted to believe it. My heart was screaming at me to believe it, but the poison Max had dripped into me earlier was too powerful to ignore. “Max makes you happy too.”
Dominic frowned. “What’s Max got to do with it?”
“Everything, given what you’ve told him.” I shook my head. “Why did you have to tell him, Dom?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to hurt Max.”
His words cleaved straight through my heart. “So instead you hurt me.”
A long pause. “Yes. I can see that now.”
“Is that why you did all of this?” I whispered. “Did you come after me because of Max?”
Confusion flickered in his eyes, but I didn’t buy it. Not after what Max had said.
“Why would I do that?”
Fuck, he was going to make me spell it out. The hate I’d thought I buried long ago stirred a little in my soul. “Because Max is straight. Good thing he has an identical brother you can fuck instead.”
Dominic gave a disbelieving laugh. “You can’t seriously think that?”
“Can you blame me?” I shrugged. “You and Max are close. Closer than most people. It’s not a stretch to think you could be in love with him. That I’m some sort of…stand-in for what you can’t have. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t bear the idea of hurting him. You didn’t have any issue doing it to me.”
“Except I do have an issue with it,” Dominic said hotly, smacking a hand against his chest. “You think I’m fine with hurting you? Hurting you hurts me. It fucking burns , Shadow. But you know what’s worse? You thinking I want Max. How could you think that? How could you?”
“How can I not? It’s always been the two of you, and me on the outskirts. In the shadows. Don’t forget, that’s where that even started.”
“It might be where it started, but it’s not where it’s ending.
This isn’t where it’s ending.” He grabbed my chin, and I let him, knowing this was the last time.
Whatever had existed between us, it was broken now.
It didn’t matter what Dominic believed, I knew better.
It couldn’t be repaired. “You’re the one I love, Shadow.
What I share with him is nothing in comparison to what I share with you. ”
“I want to believe you.”
“Then why can’t you?”
“Because you’re still leaving with him.” I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my blurry vision. “You’re leaving, Dom, and you never even told me.”
His throat bobbed. “I don’t have a choice, Shadow. But it doesn’t have to be the end of us.”
“It does,” I said sadly. “It is. I can’t trust you, Dom. You’ve lied to me. You’ve betrayed me. And after everything, you’re still choosing Max over me.”
His hand fell away. “Of course that’s how you see it.”
“I see it that way because it’s true.”
He wasn’t looking at me now, his gaze fixed on a spot above my head. “So that’s it. That’s what you want. For us to be over.”
I swiped a tear away before Dominic could see it. “No, it’s not what I want , Dominic. I fucking love you. But what else are we supposed to do? You’re leaving.”
“Yes, but we can stay together. We can make it through this, together. I promise.”
A sob caught in my throat. “Why should I believe you when you’ve broken every other promise you’ve made to me?”
“I love you. I didn’t lie about that.”
Maybe he hadn’t, but it wasn’t enough. It should have been, but it wasn’t. That told me everything I needed to know. “It shouldn’t be this hard, Dom. We’re eighteen, for fuck’s sake. This is what happens in relationships. Shit gets real, and people break up.”
“Our age has nothing to do with it.” He stepped closer, his voice breaking. A tear slid down his cheek. Unlike me, he didn’t do anything to hide it. “This doesn’t need to be hard. It’s just an argument. A stupid argument. It doesn’t mean anything.”
My heart hardened. “If you think that then we really are on different pages. Grow up, Dominic.”
There was less than a foot of space between us. Mere inches, really. But Dominic had never felt more out of reach.
I had one final question for him. It was pointless to ask him when I knew the answer already, but I did anyway. “If I asked you to stay…if I asked you to choose me…would you?”
Dominic’s only answer was silence.
I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling. “Okay. I think that’s it.”
His hand caught my wrist. I looked over, and the pain in his eyes almost had me reconsidering.
“It’s not because of Max. I can’t stay here, Shadow. Not for anyone. Another few months in that house might kill me. You have to understand that.”
“I do.” The life Dominic lived under his father’s roof wasn’t one I’d wish on anyone, especially someone I loved. “And maybe if you’d told me this yourself…”
If I hadn’t learned from Max. If I hadn’t let his poison under my skin. If Dominic hadn’t shared what we were with him. If I could trust that it was me he truly wanted.
If. If. If.
Dominic laughed bitterly. “It doesn’t change anything, does it?”
“No,” I said softly. I reached up to cup his cheek, briefly pressing my lips against the other. “I’m sorry. Be happy, Dom. That’s honestly what I want for you.”
He stiffened and jerked away from me suddenly. “You know what? I can’t say the same.”
I rubbed at my chest, right over the new wound he’d inflicted. “What?”
“I don’t want you to be happy.” He smiled, and there was a cruel tilt to it that I hadn’t seen there in a long time. “If you won’t be with me, I don’t want you to be happy.”
Deep down, I knew he was just lashing out. I think that’s why I did the same. “Fuck you, Dominic. You always think you know what’s best for me, and you don’t. You fucking don’t, okay?”
His smile deepened mockingly. “Oh, but I do, Shadow. I know you better than I know myself.You can’t be happy without me.”
I snarled, fury licking at my skin. Just who did he think he was? Wasn’t it enough that he was breaking my heart? No. He seemed determined to fuck with my head too. “Fucking watch me.”
I had to leave before we made this worse. Enough hits had been delivered. We didn’t need to destroy each other completely.
Not when I was afraid Dominic had done that already.
Turning, I gave him my back as I walked away.
Apparently he wasn’t done though. “I’ll make you one more promise, Ryan. A vow that I’ll never break.”
I didn’t stop moving, but his words landed all the same.
“Walk away if you want, Shadow, but I’ll get you back. I don’t give a shit how many years pass, or who you give yourself to in the meantime. It means fuck all. You’re mine, and I’ll be back to claim you. Just you fucking wait and see.”
I paused. Just long enough to inhale and exhale. To stop myself turning and throwing myself into his arms.
Instead, I stiffened my spine and started walking again.