29. Ryan
Ryan
Anger became my closest friend over the next few weeks.
I spent most of my time out of the house. Mum and Dad seemed to come to terms with Max’s choice, their lives returning to normal.
I wished mine could.
My phone went off often, but never with calls from Dominic. No texts, either.
Hadn’t stopped me messaging him. A casual check-in. A furious tirade about how he’d just left. Finally, three simple words.
RYAN
Go fuck yourself.
Not the three I wanted to send. Realising I’d never say them again hurt almost as much as not seeing Dominic’s face at my window every night.
Sure, there might be someone in my future who’d capture my attention. A person I’d whisper my love to, but it wouldn’t be the same.
There’d never be another like Dominic for me.
When the third hit, I stopped hoping for a response. Or that I might wake up with him beside me.
He wasn’t coming back. Basic training had started, and he’d spent his two final weeks of freedom with my brother.
Not with me.
I knew I wasn’t being fair. I’d been pretty fucking adamant that we were over that night, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
Max had been right all along.
Dominic would always choose him.
He’d never choose me.
I didn’t go to results day. I ignored all invites from my friends, instead opting to check my results online.
All As.
This was good news. Obviously. It meant I didn’t need to go through the rigmarole of Clearing. Come October, I’d be studying Business at York University.
There was no question of pursuing art. It was pointless. Dreams didn’t come true.
Dominic had taught me that.
It was better to go for the safe option. I’d taken a risk with him and paid with my heart, but I wasn’t a fool. I learned from my mistakes.
From now on, there’d be no dreaming. No flights of fancy. No throwing caution to the wind and seeing where it took me. Life was better when it was predictable. When you knew what your next steps were, and the results of taking them.
That mindset didn’t leave any room for broken hearts. It was exactly what I wanted. No, it was what I needed.
I wouldn’t survive this again. There was no way.
It was all very well telling myself that, but believing it was another thing entirely. That was why I ended up alone on results night, wondering the streets, a bottle of Dad’s whisky in my hand.
I didn’t know why I’d taken it. I wasn’t much of a drinker generally, and whisky wasn’t what I went for. But wine made me think of Dominic. At least this didn’t.
The irony of using alcohol to numb my pain was laughable considering the shit I’d given Dominic’s dad. This wasn’t the same though. Me getting blackout drunk wasn’t going to hurt anyone else, but it might give me a few hours of peace.
I’d do anything to have that right now.
I wandered the paths I associated with Dominic. My house to the bus stop. Through the woods to the chippy. Amy’s road. The alley where we had our first kiss.
The burn of the alcohol eased with each new gulp I took. The same couldn’t be said about the pain. If anything, it was growing. Forming itself into a ball of needles in my chest, expanding outwards with each new breath.
Dominic’s gone.
He’s not coming back.
He always planned to leave.
I glugged down more of the amber liquid, using my spare hand to swipe away tears. How fucking dare I cry over him? He didn’t deserve my tears. This was all his fault. My life had been perfectly fine before he’d come along and fucked it all up.
Had it?
I scowled, kicking at a rock. Okay, so it hadn’t been. It’d been shit, to be honest. Everything I had now—my confidence, my determination, my friends—it was all because of Dom.
Even my grades were partly thanks to him. If he hadn’t helped me revise, there might’ve been different letters waiting on my results statement.
I stopped, taking a steadying breath. Everything was going to be okay. I just needed to get over this…ache, and I’d be fine.
I had to be.
I continued walking and drinking. Through the trees, remembering Dominic’s words about not letting his boyfriend walk into the dark and scary woods alone.
Well, here I was, alone.
But I guessed he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, so maybe this was how it was meant to be. How Dominic had always planned for it to be.
I didn’t realise where my feet had taken me until I tripped on something hard and metallic.
Leaning over, I squinted. Fuck. I was at the train tracks.
Dominic’s voice echoed through the empty air. “I don’t just want you physically, Ry. I want to just exist around you.”
That was bollocks. He wasn’t existing around me now. Dominic was miles away. He’d known then that he’d be leaving, but he’d kept quiet. Promised me forever.
Just how many lies had he told me?
A raw yell left me. I pulled back my arm and threw the bottle as far as I could. It smashed somewhere in the field beyond, leaving me panting and empty handed.
Empty.
That was how I felt.
I slumped onto the train tracks as sobs wracked my chest. Why had he left me? Why had he taken me at my word instead of fighting for us? Was I not worth it? Was what we’d shared not worth it?
It was to me. It had meant everything. Hadn’t stopped me walking away from him though.
I wished I could take it back. That I could rewind time and change what I’d said. That I’d agreed to long-distance. To anything so long as it kept him in my life.
My head was swimming. Fuck, I’d drunk too much. I collapsed backwards, and there was a sharp pain at the back of my head. It felt far away though. Too far to worry about.
Instead, I stared up at the stars. Under my breath, I started to sing. “For the love of all that’s holy, say there’s something, that makes you need me too.”
This was fine. I could stay here forever. Right where Dominic had made it seem like we had a future, with no one but the stars as our witnesses.
They were with me now. The stars.
They were all I had left.
Someone was shaking my shoulders.
“Fuck off,” I muttered, waving my hands wildly. “Lemme alone.”
“Come on, kid,” a gruff voice said. “You can’t sleep here. It’s not safe.”
What was he on about? My bed was perfectly safe. “Go ’way.”
“I’m not leaving you here. Come on now, before the trains start.”
Trains?
I tried to focus through the fog of sleep and alcohol, but it was too thick. The shape of a man materialised. He was standing over me, hands outstretched as he shook me again. My breath hitched at the familiar lines. “Dominic?”
He sighed loudly. “Fuck.”
“You came back,” I said, tears pricking at my eyes. “I knew you loved me.”
There was a long silence. Why wasn’t Dominic saying anything?
I pushed myself up onto my elbows, but my arms were basically spaghetti, and I collapsed back onto something hard. Pain ricocheted through my skull. “Ow. Why is my pillow so hard?”
“Christ, be careful. I’ve already fucked up enough. If you get hurt, he’ll definitely never forgive me.”
He bent down, and suddenly I was being hauled upwards. Now I could see his face closer. The tears came again, but for a different reason this time. “You’re not Dom.”
“No,” his dad grumbled, “I’m not. And if he’s the reason you’re out here trying to kill yourself then I’m going to give you a dose of your own medicine when you’re sober.”
“I’m not trying to kill myself.” My drunk brain didn’t even try to make sense of that last part. “I was tired, so I lay down.”
“On a train track.”
The pain in my head was becoming unbearable. “No trains.”
“No trains right now, but come five a.m., it’ll be a different story.”
“Should’ve known he wouldn’t come back.” I sniffed, the tears still rolling down my cheeks. I should be embarrassed that his dad was having to carry me, but I was past caring. “He said he loves me, but if he did, he wouldn’t have left.”
Dominic’s dad sighed again. “We both know you’re not the reason he left.”
“I wasn’t enough for him to stay.” I hiccupped, a sob ripping from my chest. “Why wasn’t I enough?”
He didn’t have an answer for me.
A wave of impending doom swept through me as the pain in my head pulsed harder. “Somethin’s wrong.”
He snorted as he continued walking with me in his arms. “Suspect the whisky you were necking has something to do with that.”
How did he know I’d been drinking whisky?
“No,” I said faintly, lifting my hand to touch the back of my head. It came away wet. “Oh dear.”
Dominic’s dad’s curse was the last thing I heard before I lost consciousness.
The next time I woke, blazing light burned my eyes. “Ow. Why’s it so fucking bright?”
A shadow blocked it out, then I heard a voice. “Ryan? How are you feeling?”
My senses registered several things all at once. The continuous beep of a machine to my left. Scratchy bedding that certainly wasn’t my own. The potent scent of disinfectant.
And Mum, her face pale as she loomed over me.
“Mum?” I croaked. “What’s going on?”
“You’re in hospital,” she said softly. “You were a bit silly, I’m afraid.”
I tried to remember, but the memories slipped through my fingers like grains of sand. “I was?”
“You were.” She pursed her lips. “And when your head is better, I’m going to shout at you. A lot. Probably ground you too.”
I touched my head and winced. Yep. That hurt. Fuzzy images returned. Me walking through the night, swigging from a bottle. Train tracks. Blood.
There’d been someone there too…
Just then, the curtain opened. I narrowed my eyes at the sight of Dominic’s dad standing there. “What are you doing here?”
“Ryan,” Mum muttered, scandalised, “be nice. If it wasn’t for Frank spotting you when he was out for his evening walk, this might’ve had a different ending. He’s been waiting here all night to make sure you’re okay.”
He had?
“It’s okay, Mary,” he said, giving her a tight smile. “I’ll go now we know he’s in the clear.”
“Actually, would you mind waiting with him while I call Darren? He’ll want to know he’s okay.”
If Dad was that worried about me, then surely he should be here too? I wished I was more surprised by his absence, but I wasn’t.
Maybe Dominic wasn’t the only one with Daddy issues.
Frank nodded and Mum slipped out, leaving the two of us alone. An uncomfortable silence settled between us.
“Thanks for saving me,” I said awkwardly.
“It’s nothing,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. It was so characteristic of Dominic that it had my chest twisting. “Least I could do, all things considered.”
I looked at Frank. Really looked at him. His clothes were clean and orderly. There was still stubble on his face and shadows under his eyes, but his gaze was clear and steady. “You’re sober.”
Frank gave a clipped nod. “For now. Attended my first AA meeting recently.”
“When?”
He shifted on his feet. “Day after you decided to pay me a visit.”
Well. That hadn’t been the intended outcome when I’d given him a piece of my mind, but it wasn’t a bad one.
He gestured at the seat beside my bed. “Mind if I sit? It’s been a long night and you’re heavier than you look.”
I nodded and he sat down with a grateful sigh. “I’m sorry. Did you have to carry me far?”
“Not really. When you passed out and I realised you had a head injury, I put you in the recovery position and called an ambulance. Should’ve checked you over before I moved you in the first place. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise,” I said, staring at the corrugated ceiling. “I’m grateful you found me.”
“I had to fib about that,” Frank said. I turned to face him. “You walked past my house and I knew something was wrong, so I thought I’d better follow you.”
“How’d you know something was wrong?”
“You looked angry,” he said finally. “But also resigned. Desolate. Fucking hopeless, if I’m being honest.”
That pretty much summed it up.
Frank’s green eyes, the same as his son’s, met mine. “And…maybe heartbroken?”
How did he— shit. I groaned inwardly as the memory of my drunken ramblings returned.
‘ He said he loves me, but if he did, he wouldn’t have left.’
Christ on a cracker. Had I seriously outed Dominic to his dad ?
“No,” I said tonelessly. “I didn’t mean it like that. We were just friends.”
Were. What a lie. We were never friends.
Now we were nothing at all.
“Okay.” Frank shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me if you were more than that, though.”
I tried to steer the conversation away from this dangerous path. “Okay, so you saw a teenager looking angry and miserable and decided you needed to intervene?”
“No.” He shook his head “It was the way you were trying to drown yourself in a bottle of whisky that did that. You might think I’m a monster, Ryan, and maybe I am, but I haven’t always been one.
I like to think the real me is still there, somewhere.
Doing things like helping you…maybe it’ll help him reappear. ”
Frank sniffed suddenly, lowering his gaze. “You were right in what you said to me that day, Ryan. My wife would be ashamed of me. I’m ashamed of me. I’ve driven Dominic away, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just stayed silent.
“What I do know though, is that I’ll never stop trying,” he continued. “You can’t stop trying either, kid. After the bollocking you gave me, I’d expect you to know the answer to your problems doesn’t lie at the bottom of a bottle.”
“I don’t think getting pissed one time puts me on the same level.”
Frank gave me a hard stare. “No, but giving yourself alcohol poisoning and a concussion puts you a lot damn closer than it should.”
I winced. He had a point there.
“Look, kid”—He dragged his chair a little closer— “drinking your problems away is a slippery slope. Trust me, I’ve been there. It might feel good in the moment, but eventually you’ll wake up and find your whole life has slipped through your fingers.”
Given I was now in hospital, Frank wasn’t being dramatic. If he hadn’t found me when he did… “Was I really asleep on the train tracks?”
“Yes. Not for long. I’d been hanging back to give you some space, so I reckon you were only out for a few minutes.”
I groaned. “Fuck. That was stupid.”
“It was.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” I said, remembering his concerns from the night before. “Really. I was just trying to…escape.”
“I understand. You can’t though. Not that way. We’ve both got to be strong for Dominic, so that when he comes back, we’re the best versions of ourselves.”
There was such hope in his eyes that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth: Dominic wasn’t coming back.
And, even if he did, I wouldn’t be here waiting for him.
His dad was right. I couldn’t escape him in a bottle. His ghost would be with me even when the alcohol took me.
But I could escape in other ways. By getting far away from here. Starting a new life. Becoming someone new.
Someone who didn’t need Dominic.
Someone Dominic wouldn’t even recognise.
‘You can’t be happy without me.’
‘Fucking watch me.’