Epilogue – Dominic
PRESENT DAY
The chill in the air felt like coming home. Which was apt, because that was exactly what I was doing. Not by coming back to England.
By coming back to Ryan. He was my home. Ten long years hadn’t changed that.
I hadn’t stepped foot on British soil in a decade. Hadn’t allowed myself to. Borders and distance were all that had kept me from finding my Shadow and throwing myself at his feet.
Instead, my time off had been spent travelling. Growing. Becoming a man who might actually be worthy of Ryan Davies.
‘It shouldn’t be this hard, Dom. We’re eighteen, for fuck’s sake. This is what happens in relationships. Shit gets real, and people break up.’
‘Grow up, Dominic.’
It was the fear that Ryan was right that had kept me away. That our age was what was holding us back from happiness. I knew that, when I returned, there could be no obstacles in our way. I owed it to him to become someone better. Someone who deserved his love.
But I’d left it too late. Now there was one huge obstacle in our path, as evidenced by the raucous party happening on the other side of the door I was currently staring at.
Ryan’s stag do.
A figure stepped up beside me. “I still say this is a fucking terrible idea.”
I didn’t bother to look at Max. I knew the expression he’d be wearing: a mixture of shame and loathing. “And I still say it’s got fuck all to do with you. Keep trying to derail this and we’ll be exchanging blows again.”
Again, because that was what had happened the last time he interfered. A choice he’d made that had left us both with black eyes, bleeding lips, and a friendship I wasn’t sure could ever be repaired.
In a way, it hadn’t been. Max and I had never regained the closeness we’d once shared. It wasn’t possible.
Didn’t help that whenever I looked at him, I wished he was someone else.
I didn’t delude myself into thinking that his decision alone had cost me my relationship with Ryan. It was my actions that had done that. I’d lied to him. Betrayed his trust. Made him question everything we’d shared.
Yes, there was bitterness that lingered on my part. Disbelief that Ryan had truly believed I wanted Max the same way I wanted him. Fury that he’d walked away from me that night.
And heartbreak. God, the pain I carried. I’d thought I knew agony before, but it had nothing on what I went through in the weeks and months after our break-up.
It hadn’t improved with time. Not that I’d expected it to.
I was in love with Ryan. It didn’t matter how many years passed, that never changed.
It never would.
Max wasn’t blameless in this whole situation. He knew that. It was why he’d insisted on coming tonight, despite knowing he wouldn’t be welcomed any more than I would.
Max tapped his fingers against his arm, his gaze sweeping the area automatically. We might both have been discharged, but that life never truly left you. “What if he kicks you out?”
I chuckled bitterly. “Then he’ll still be the man I fell in love with.”
Max sighed, tugging on his hair. My stomach swooped, just as it did every time he did that. He didn’t share many mannerisms with his twin, but the ones he did stabbed fresh daggers through my heart whenever he let them show. “Dominic, I know you think this is for the best?—”
“It is.”
“—but what if this hurts Ryan?” He continued like I hadn’t interrupted him. “We’ve hurt him enough already, Dominic. I don’t want to do it again. I can’t.”
I knew that. Max’s genuine regret over what had happened was the sole reason he was still in my life. “I know. I don’t want that either, but I have to try. I made him a promise, Max. Given I’ve broken every other one, this is one I’m going to follow through on.”
Max stepped closer, speaking urgently. “He’s getting married, Dominic. Married . He’s moved on.”
I closed my eyes briefly, fighting the rising nausea. It had been present ever since I’d seen the announcement on Ryan’s Instagram. Given how often I stalked it, you’d think I would’ve had an inkling that Ryan was in a serious relationship, but there’d been nothing.
Then, suddenly, there was everything. Ryan, my Shadow, his arms around a petite woman. Blonde hair cascaded around her heart-shaped face as she beamed at the camera. Ryan’s smile was smaller, more reserved.
Nothing like the ones he used to give me. I wondered if he showed them to anyone these days.
If he doesn’t, that’ll be your fault too.
There was a lot of blame going around, and I knew most of it lay at my feet.
If the massive rock on her outstretched hand hadn’t given it away, the caption Ryan included would have.
‘Introducing the soon-to-be Mrs.Davies! Here’s to many more rainy morning coffees, baby.’
When I’d read that, I’d stumbled outside, my gorge rising. I stayed there long after my stomach was empty, heaving uselessly into the gutter.
Ryan’s getting married. He’s found someone else. Someone to call baby. Someone he has cute traditions with.
That was where Max had found me god only knew how long later. I hadn’t needed to explain what was wrong. He stalked his brother’s page almost as often as I did, desperate for a glimpse into the life we’d both been shut out of.
Through your own actions.
I knew why I wanted back in. Max’s reasons were less clear, but I wasn’t the only one who’d grown up during our time away.
Most people would have seen that post and realised they were too late. But not me. Maybe I would’ve backed off if it hadn’t been for Ryan’s eyes.
They hadn’t been shining with love. There was no joy. No excitement about having just had his proposal accepted by the woman he supposedly loved.
Just a cold detachment.
Cold was never an adjective I would’ve used to describe the Ryan I once knew. The opposite, in fact. The Ryan I fell in love with was pure fire. All heat and passion. Especially when he was all riled up and in my face.
I think I missed that the most.
So no, I wasn’t going to walk away. I’d left him once, and I wasn’t about to do it again. I’d spent the past several years counting the days to my discharge date, knowing that then, Ryan would be my first and only destination.
The irony that he’d posted the announcement less than a week before that date didn’t escape me. All the plans I’d meticulously put into place could be for nothing.
“I have to try,” I said finally. “If he’s genuinely happy, if he looks at me and there’s nothing, then I’ll walk away.”
Max laughed humourlessly. “No, you won’t.”
No. I wouldn’t. I might’ve worked to better myself over the past decade, but all of it had been done with the goal of getting Ryan back.
If there was a chance of that not happening…well, I wouldn’t have any incentive to continue being that person.
“Fine.” Max exhaled through his nose. “I’ll be here to pick up the pieces if it all falls through.”
I clapped him on the shoulder. “Have more faith, Max.”
He snorted. “Faith is for when your life is on the line, not your heart.”
Max was wrong. Ryan was my life and my heart.
I wasn’t prepared to give either up.
Shaking out my arms, I took several deep breaths. This was it. The moment I’d been building up to for the past decade.
I was ready.
I could do this.
Just then, a voice rang out over the others. It froze me in place as it washed over me. I couldn’t focus on the words, just that it was him.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Ryan.
There were subtle differences to his tone, like he’d worked to smooth out his accent, but it was undeniably him. My Shadow. It was funny; most people believed identical twins were the same in every way. But this wasn’t Max’s voice, it was Ryan’s.
I’d know it anywhere.
“Dominic?” Max said quietly beside me. “You okay, man?”
“I need a minute,” I rasped, bracing my hands on my knees. “You go ahead. I’ll be right there.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. Ryan’s voice was still ringing through the air, laughter and confidence in every syllable. “Yeah. Just give me a second.”
A second to reconcile my fantasy with the reality. Because that man in there, he wasn’t going to be happy to see me. Not after how I’d left. How I’d betrayed his trust.
How I’d lied to him.
The noise from Ryan’s stag do got briefly louder as Max entered. A hush descended immediately after.
Something told me it wasn’t just because the door had closed.
If I was number one on the list of guests Ryan wouldn’t want crashing tonight, then Max would be number two.
Suck it up, Walker, I told myself sternly. You knew this wouldn’t be easy. You’ve literally survived wars. You don’t quit. That’s not what you do. You’re a fighter, and you keep fighting.
That mantra had got me through every hard situation since I was a kid. Most notably in the months after everything with Ryan ended.
I’d come so close to giving up. To letting the endless darkness that haunted me pull me under. But I couldn’t. Not when I had a vow to keep.
Straightening, I shook off the nerves and plastered on my mask. It was one Ryan would recognise. One I’d taught him to wear himself.
Fake it until you make it.
Another lesson I’d delivered.
Didn’t know at the time that it’d be Ryan who’d teach me the most painful one of all. That I did have a heart. That it was capable of being broken. Obliterated. Smashed to smithereens.
I knew better now. I was able to give my heart away, but only to Ryan. No one else.
He was my Shadow, and for better or worse, I couldn’t escape him.
Now it was time to get him back.
My gait was casual as I strolled into the pub. I was calm on the surface, and I doubted anyone could tell that I was a wreck underneath.
But as my gaze landed on Ryan, the veneer cracked. A sheen covered my vision as I stumbled over my own feet. Fuck. It was him. It was really him. He was in the same room as me. Breathing the same air.
It didn’t matter that I couldn’t even see his face. His back was to me. A back that was wider than I remembered. In fact, all of him seemed more ripped. Closer to the physique Max had had when we were teens.
But god, it was still him. It was Ryan.