Chapter 14 #2
Mason either ignored or didn’t notice my trepidation.
“Look, Elijah, you were my best friend in the world. You know that, right?” I just nodded.
“I’m going to be really honest. I know that none of this is going to make up for what I did, and it’s no excuse for my behavior, but I think you deserve to know the whole truth. ”
He looked at me, then looked away.
“I started having feelings for you around middle school that I didn’t know what to do with.
That’s when I started putting distance between us.
I felt bad for pushing you away, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
I didn’t know how to be around you when I felt like that.
I thought it was wrong. I thought I was wrong.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I was mean to you, and I’m so, so sorry for hurting you in the gym that day.
I’m not just talking about physically. I can’t even put into words how deeply I regret it. ”
He looked down and paused for a moment, but I just waited for him to go on. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say. He finally looked back up at me.
“I finally accepted myself and I owned who I was, but I still couldn’t bring myself to try to reach out to you from Chicago.
I didn’t think you’d hear me out, and I didn’t think I deserved that anyway.
I don’t deserve to be heard, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know how I feel, since we are where we are.
I never stopped caring about you, Elijah. Even when you couldn’t tell.”
I stared at him. I wasn’t sure I fully forgave him for everything, for breaking my heart so completely, but I’d let him fuck me on more than one occasion.
I’d let him pretty much own me, so what could I really do?
Was I still mad? Maybe some part of me was, but I did hear him.
“I think we’re past this,” I said. “I heard you the first time, and I believe you. I mean, we are what we are right now, I guess.”
He shook his head, eyes imploring mine. “No,” he said.
“I hear you again, and I know you. I know you have a bad history of choosing men, but I’m not them, Elijah.
I’m not some piece of shit who wants to use you just to break you again.
I have real feelings for you, and I always have.
I know you used to have feelings for me, but I’m not sure you still do, not really.
I’m not sure you aren’t just the metal for the magnet of a complete asshole.
I just want you to know how much you mean to me, and that I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you. ”
What the hell was this? I thought we were going to have a talk about what was going on and my arrest, not our damn feelings.
I swallowed thickly and he watched my throat as I did.
“Mason . . . I don’t know what to say. I was in love with you back then, alright?
It wasn’t just some dumb crush. I knew who you used to be, and I loved that Mason.
Then you weren’t him anymore. I thought there might still be a chance that you were the boy I loved, way down inside, but you proved me wrong.
Then you come in here, telling me you were still that guy, and literally sweep me off my feet.
In the midst of my previous lovers being murdered, you rescue me from assholes trying to beat me up like I’m back in high school, then people were messing around outside my house, I got arrested, and I just .
. . I don’t know what’s going on right now.
I don’t even know how to compartmentalize all of this. I don’t . . . I don’t know.”
He hugged me again and I let him, fell right into his damn arms with my forehead on his shoulder, trying to remember how to make my brain work.
“I know,” he said softly, and he was rubbing my back with one hand like the old Mason, the real one.
“I’m not asking you to return my feelings or even figure out what you’re feeling.
I just want you to know mine. I want you to know who I really am. Okay?”
I just nodded against his shoulder. He moved his hand to rub my hair soothingly. “Alright,” he said. “Next up. I need to know the names of every guy you’ve ever slept with.”
I sat up abruptly and stared open-mouthed at him.
He just arched his brow. “This is about you, Elijah, and you can’t pretend that it isn’t.
You’ve pissed someone off somehow, and we have to figure out who it is before they reach you one way or another.
You’re the one who chose to tell me about your dream, so now I feel the time crunch.
I’m not going to judge you, I just need to know. It’s important.”
I sat back. “I don’t think I really want to talk about this with you . . .” I tried weakly.
He looked at me sternly. “This is the part where the detective is sticking his nose outside his jurisdiction, not the part where your old friend is telling you he was in love with you back then too. I need to know. Like I said, it’s important.”
In love? He was telling me he’d not only had a crush on me back then, but was in love with me?
The thought of how different our lives could have been hurt me to my core.
I could have had the dream I’d had when I was a kid, even if I hadn’t understood what a life in a cottage with Mason meant back then.
Everything could have been different. But it wasn’t.
I rested my head on the back of the couch and looked away from him.
With a sigh I said, “I fucked Trey back in high school. Trey Justice. Right after you outed me and broke my heart. I knew he was bi and a player and trouble, and that all he wanted was a hole to sink his dick into, but it felt kind of like a warped sense of revenge. Like fuck you, Mason, yes I’m gay and I don’t care about you anymore. ” I glanced at him, but he just nodded.
I looked away again and went on.
“There were some in college.” I shrugged, thinking.
“There was Jonah, and Kyle. They were at parties. Some guy I traded blow jobs with whose name I was too drunk to remember. A semi-serious relationship that lasted most of sophomore year. Devon Anderson. We broke up that summer. None of those guys were from around here. I think Jonah was the only one from Indiana, and I have no idea where any of them are now. There was Brandon, obviously, and Brock. Some other guys from the app. They were from nearby towns, but not here. There was um, Randy. And Will. They were both older than me by a couple of decades. I don’t know their last names, but I hooked up with both of them a few times.
There were a few others closer to my age from Indy that I met up with a few times. Brian, Noah, and Matt.”
I looked at him again, and he was listening, without judgment in his eyes.
I wasn’t sure he wasn’t just using his detective stance, but I went on anyway.
“I hooked up with Trevor once. We were all super drunk and went to someone’s house after the bar and everyone was hooking up and we were like, fuck it.
” I glanced at him to try to catch the judgement before he could cover it, but I still didn’t see any.
I shrugged and went on.
“I went home with some guy named Drew from the bar here once. He didn’t live here long. People like us coming from a city usually don’t.” I stopped talking for a second, but finally said, “I, uh . . . I think that’s all.”
I could tell that the Mason who wasn’t a detective was fighting to come out and make a snarky comment, but he refrained and instead said, “Okay, would any of them be mad at you or upset with you for any reason?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know why they would.
They were either in the distant past, just hookups, or dead.
I’m not sure how you’re so certain it’s all about me, anyway.
I mean, couldn’t it just be a coincidence?
Brandon and Brock had no shortage of haters, for different reasons.
” I was trying desperately to shove my dreams to the back of my mind, but Mason shut that right down.
“It’s not a coincidence. It’s about you.
I know they had their own haters, but they were both former lovers of yours, and on more than one occasion.
And get real. We haven’t even talked about the police finding your bracelet with Brock’s blood on it, in a different part of the house from the murder.
Someone is trying to frame you. We need to talk about the bracelet too. ”
I looked down. He was right, and there was no denying it. “Yeah, I know it’s no coincidence. I don’t know how the bracelet got there, though. I never had it there. I lost it before I even started hooking up with him.”
Mason’s eyes narrowed. “You’re sure you never had it there? Was he ever here?”
I nodded. “Yeah, a couple of times. But even if he found a random lost bracelet here, why would he have stolen it? It wasn’t worth as much as one of his cufflinks, and he definitely didn’t want anyone to know he was associated with me. So why the fuck would he have taken it?”
Mason looked past me, silent for a moment. “What did it look like, and where do you think you lost it?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure where I lost it.
I just realized it was gone one day. It was a braided leather cord with a plate that said ‘E.J. Stallard.’ I wore it most of the time because it reminded me of happy times.
My friend from college got it for me at a Renaissance fair, and I was bummed when I realized it was missing.
It must have worn apart, but I was so used to it, I didn’t notice.
The last time I clearly remember it being on was when I was with one of my app hookups.
Will. I know I had it because he asked what it said.
I’m not sure that’s when I lost it, though, because it was days later that I realized it was gone. ”
“Where did you hook up with him? Was it here, in your house?”