Chapter 5 #3
“Well, since the information is already out there…” She looks between us.
“We could just go along with it?” Her fingers fly over her iPad, producing an NDA.
“This is a relationship agreement. The label wanted me to float the idea your way a while ago, but I told them no, because I knew what you’d say.
Initially they wanted an actor or another singer for the part, but all things considered—”
“Part? What part?” My mind reels. My label has been wanting me to what? Fake-date? I turn toward Marissa, anger surging inside of me.
“A love interest.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
“Because I didn’t want you to worry over shit like this.
That’s my job as your manager. To take some of the burden off you.
” Marissa regards me with a quizzical expression.
“Remember how we talked about your next album being all about shedding your teenage-girl persona? Well, demographically, it’s been hard to brand you as a more mature artist because everyone is still hung up on your love story.
And a way to make people lose interest would be to give them what they want.
Date for a while, break up, and release an album. ”
“Absolutely not.” I shake my head. I don’t want to involve Kai in my mess. We just got back on speaking terms, and the main reason we fell out of touch is because we dated in the first place. Also, if I do this … aren’t I just betraying myself? Why should I have to pretend to be someone I’m not?
Kai scratches his head and looks away, his shoulders hunching uncomfortably. The thought strikes me—I don’t even know if he’s single.
“Wait, do you have a girlfriend?” I ask. “If you’re seeing someone, I’ll explain it to her.”
This seems to make Kai laugh. “No, I’m not seeing … anyone.”
“Perfect,” Marissa says. She grins at a frozen Kai, passing him a digital pen.
“The idea would be for you two to date, or rather, pretend to date, for six months. After which we’ll stage a breakup and you’ll be free.
It would be a mutually beneficial agreement.
Kai, you’d get compensated for your time, of course.
10K a month. Also, I understand you want to be a writer of sorts—”
Kai tenses. “I—”
“This could help with exposure. And we’d put you in touch with some agents and publishers. As long as you help Sassy out. You’d do that for her, right?”
Silence stretches as Kai scans the document. His expression is unreadable.
“We need a minute,” I say, voice flat. “Can we be alone?”
Marissa’s brows knit before she pastes a smile on her face. “Of course.” With a nod, she walks out, closing the kitchen door behind her to give us some privacy.
Kai’s eyes remain on the door until Marissa is out of earshot. “Does she know you’re not straight?”
“She does.”
“Then why is she doing this? I thought you wanted to come out.” There’s something accusatory in his gaze, or maybe it’s my own guilt reflected in his eyes.
“It’s not that you have to … it’s just, there’s no boyfriend, is there?
Your album is all about your favorite stories and characters. Why can’t you say that?”
“It’s complicated. Marissa says if I come out, it will alienate my fanbase.” I turn my back to him to place the teapot on the stove. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain, why I feel so exposed.
“Your manager doesn’t know everything—”
“Except that she does. She really does know everything. Didn’t you read some of the comments people left when they thought I had come out?”
Kai goes quiet, and the only sound left in the room is the boiling water. I’m not ashamed of being who I am, but I don’t want to be hated, either.
“Look, it would be different if I had mentioned my music is made-up from the start, or that I’m aroace,” I say.
I should have clarified things when I first went viral.
I just never expected people to take my music so literally, and everything happened so fast that I didn’t know how.
“But I let this narrative about the boyfriend grow, and now it’s out of my hands.
If I tell my fans there’s no guy, they’ll feel like I lied to them. ”
They might leave me. And I wouldn’t blame them.
Just like I couldn’t blame Kai when he left.
But I don’t want to lose them, or my career.
And I get why people like the idea of the boyfriend, the same way I love romance in the shows I watch.
Fiction fills in the gaps of a disappointing reality.
But the difference is, I’m not a fictional character.
“Maybe I’m not ready to come out yet.” My hands clench around the mug. I hate myself for admitting it. I thought I was over it, but I still care what people think.
“Okay, then I’m down,” Kai blurts out.
“What?” I stammer. At first, I’m not sure I’ve heard him right.
“Let’s do this. Let’s date. Or fake-date.
” His eyes shine with determination. My throat dries.
Why is he doing this? “Six months, right? It’s not that long.
Sixty K is enough money that my family wouldn’t have to help me pay for tuition, and I could help my grandpa save for retirement.
Or I could maybe, I don’t know, go back to drawing and writing. Part-time.”
I know him well enough to know this isn’t about any of those things, at least not completely. He’s doing it for me. I just can’t figure out why. Why he’d willingly throw himself into the centrifuge.
“Kai, I’m not going to fall in love with you—”
His eyes narrow. “Is that why you think I want to do this? Because I want to get back together? I don’t see you that way anymore.”
His words are resolute, and I can tell he means them, but he hesitates, as if there’s something else he wants to say.
Despite everything, I believe him. I know Kai, and I know how he used to look at me, like I was oxygen and he needed me to keep breathing.
The way he’s looking at me now, those aren’t the eyes of someone who’s in love.
“Then why are you doing this?”
A playful grin dances across his lips. “It’ll be fun.”
“Fun?” I scoff. None of this sounds fun.
“It’s you and me. We make everything fun.”
A pang goes through my heart. I can’t believe I’m considering this. But even if we ignore the rumors, people will still think Kai is the boyfriend, and they’ll continue bothering him. At least this way he can get some money out of it.
I bite the inside of my cheek, retrieve the teapot from the stove, and grab a mug for him. Two mugs, not just one. One for me, and one for him.
Because Kai is here. I’m not alone. And he wants to do this. At least for a while.
The day will come when I’m totally alone forever, but that day isn’t today.
Maybe I’m just making excuses because I want to keep him in my life.
Why else would he stay? He’s not my family.
He’s not my boyfriend anymore. Without the veil of romance, I’m just Sasha.
Not somebody’s favorite artist. Not somebody’s girlfriend. I’m just me. Is that enough on its own?
Mia’s words run through my mind. Be careful.
Being aroace doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Is it so wrong not to want to be alone?
“Friends who’re contractually obligated to date?” I say, passing him a mug.
Kai takes it. “Friends who’re contractually obligated to date.”