Chapter 13 #2
I don’t want my first kiss with a guy to happen because of a dare. That doesn’t sound like something someone in an exclusive relationship would say. That doesn’t sound like something Sassy’s boyfriend, the lovestruck girl and the gentle first love, would say.
“It … doesn’t matter.” Kai scratches the back of his neck. “It’s not like I’m planning to kiss anyone else. I’m with Sasha, and that’s final.”
Final. It feels more like a sentence than a love declaration.
“Right.” Shame travels through me. I got him into this mess, and now he’s got no escape. “You’re mine forever.”
Without warning, Kai’s hand cups my cheek, a question in his eyes. I flinch, suddenly startled. It’s been so long since he’s touched me like this that I don’t know how to react. I had forgotten the scorching heat of his palms, the gentleness of his fingers as they curl around my jaw.
I know what he’s asking me. We need to sell this to Asher—that we’re in love, that it doesn’t matter if he’s queer, because I’m his one and only. If we don’t, we’re exposed. If we don’t, we’ll be caught in a lie, and everything will be over.
My head swims from the alcohol. Kai searches my face, looking for an answer to his question. Can I kiss you? The vulnerability that had flickered in his eyes moments ago has vanished. In its place, there’s a sudden apology. I don’t want to ruin the contract.
He wants to make things right so Asher doesn’t suspect, but it shouldn’t have to be like this. I try to speak, but fear has my heart hooked to my rib cage, so I just nod.
His fingers slide up my neck, curling into my hair with practiced ease as I kiss him lightly, but it feels empty.
A performance, not a real kiss. There’s a hesitance to his movements as he presses closer, and I can feel the tension running through his frame.
I try to get lost into it, his lips soft and familiar.
It’s what Sassy would do. It’s what most people would do—because kissing is supposed to feel like fluttering butterflies, not a pointless exchange of saliva.
A blend of anger and guilt flares inside me. Right now, I don’t feel like he’s kissing me. He’s kissing Sassy. Because she’s straight and in love. I hate that she’s taking me over, taking this over.
Suddenly I’m back in high school, and we’re dating, and I have this shitty feeling, like I have to hide who I am, because I’m broken. It’s different this time; at least Kai knows, but the feeling remains. Like I’m sinking into a hole I won’t be able to get out of.
Except now I’m dragging Kai into it.
Asking him to hide himself, too.
What’s the point anyway?
“This doesn’t feel right.” I pull away, pushing against his chest. My heart swells with a fierce protectiveness. This moment should belong to Kai. I know how much courage it takes to come out for the first time. I refuse to let it be overshadowed by a lie. My lie.
Kai grips my arm, but my heart is cracking open, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I turn to Asher, watching his eyes widen. “You weren’t … wrong. Kai and I are PR. We’re not together. I mean, we were, once. But we broke up because I realized I’m aroace. Aromantic and asexual.”
At first, Asher stills, barely reacting. My hands close around the sleeves of my hoodie. I expect the confession to fill me with panic. But all I feel is a sudden calm. Like being wrapped in a warm towel after a cold shower.
“Oh. Okay,” Asher says. He blinks, digesting his surprise.
I wait for the list of questions he probably has, because everyone always has questions and apparently they’ve never heard of Google, but they never come.
“Is that why you got into a PR relationship? You’re afraid to come out? Or do you just not want to?”
“I—I don’t know,” I admit. At first, I was worried about coming out because Marissa said it would ruin my career, but now, even if I don’t want to admit it, there are moments when I find myself enjoying this version of friend-dating.
There’s no pressure to fall in love or have sex.
It’s nice to have a person, someone who walks by your side.
I don’t want to let go of that. “I know it makes me a terrible person.”
“Why?” Asher’s eyes harden.
“Because it’s a lie. I’m lying to everyone. To myself.”
“Asher,” Kai says, flicking a leftover piece of pineapple at Asher’s forehead, “if you tell a soul about Sasha, or the PR, things will get ugly, you understand?”
“I wasn’t planning to,” Asher says. “I’ve got secrets to keep, too.”
“Right, so that clears it up then.” Kai scrambles to his feet, careful as he maneuvers with the boot. When no one says anything, he starts clearing our things off the table, collecting the bottles and the empty pizza box in a plastic bag. “Maybe we should go home. It’s late.”
The room falls into an uneasy quiet. I don’t know what to make of it, how to act, what to say now.
I push to my feet and start fishing for the candy wrappers that have ended up on the floor, but I’m met by a sudden wave of exhaustion.
It’s past three AM, and we’re all drunk and sharing too much.
It’s dangerous. So why does it feel like a relief?
Asher barely moves, his eyes fixed on the mirror ball spinning above us.
Kai chucks an empty can at him. “Are you going to help us clean or—”
“The room is spinning,” he groans.
“Then unspin it.” I kick his beanbag and continue to pick up our trash, but Asher’s fingers wrap around my wrist.
“Sasha, listen,” Asher says. He reclines on the beanbag, covering his eyes with his arm.
Whether it’s because he’s dizzy or doesn’t want to look at me, I don’t know.
“There’s nothing wrong with PR relationships, you know?
You’re not a bad person for being in one.
Hell, without it, I wouldn’t even exist.”
He lets out a chuckle, but a shadow crosses his face. Beside me, Kai stops what he’s doing, the plastic bag hanging from his hand.
“My parents were in a PR relationship. I’m a PR baby.
” Asher buries his cheek in the soft fabric of the beanbag.
“My parents’ love story, have you guys heard it?
You know, the whole thing with how my mum wasn’t taken seriously as a director, so one day she headed into her favorite coffee shop after a disappointing meeting?
Except, they were out of hot chocolate. My dad shared his and they ended up chatting.
She pitched him an idea he helped her fund, and she eventually won an Oscar.
The night she won my dad waited for her backstage with hot chocolate from the same place where they met. Blah, blah, blah.”
Kai and I exchange a puzzled look. I remember watching a video of his mom’s speech the night she won the Oscar. The way her voice cracked onstage as she thanked the love of her life, the look of pride on Asher’s dad’s face … how could it not be real? They looked so in love.
It’s an illusion. Everything. Everywhere. All the time.
“All fake. My mum did want to be taken seriously as a director, and she wanted people to stop speculating about her love life. At the time it was all people could focus on. My dad had just gotten successful, and his managers back then thought he needed more exposure.” Asher presses his thumbs against his eyes, as if fighting a headache.
“They both wanted a family, so I was part of their PR package, a way to further the love story. The perfect child for the perfect couple. I was born with a role to play, and I’ve been doing it for my entire life. ”
I freeze, not knowing how to react, what to say. “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t. What are you sorry for?” Asher scoffs, but he peels his eyes away.
“I’m one of the most privileged people on the planet.
My parents do love me. And they did fall in love somewhere along the way.
My mum says it happened after I was born, or because I was born.
They’re still together even. Their love story is just different from the fabricated version everyone adores.
It’s not perfect, but it’s real. It’s theirs.
As my mum always says, when nobody knows who you really are, they can’t hurt you.
So who cares if no one knows the real Sasha?
As long as you do, it’s none of their business. ”
Kai’s expression hardens. “Is that why you asked Sasha to PR date?” he asks. “You’re using PR as like, what, a dating app? You think what happened to your parents can happen to you?”
“No. I wouldn’t want to. I’ve never been involved with anyone I’ve PR dated. It would complicate things. And the whole falling-in-love thing isn’t for me.” He shrugs. “Maybe I just like having someone around, is all.”
“And the only way to do that is pay them?” Kai questions.
“It’s not like that.” He drops Kai’s gaze.
I understand him, in a way. I like having Kai around, too, even if it’s not real. The fake relationship just gave me a pretense, an excuse to be close again.
“I told you,” Asher continues. “I was born with a role to play. The perfect son of the perfect couple needs a perfect girlfriend. I thought Sasha would fit that role, at least as far as the press was concerned.”
“Is that all there is?” I ask. “I’m not judging you, I promise.”
Asher was born into an industry that constantly demands something from him, for him to hand over a part of himself.
I’ve felt it, the way everyone always wants something from you.
It’s lonely. Alienating. If his relationship with Rosa is any indication, Asher just pretends to date his friends.
He says it’s a way to protect the real him, but part of me wonders if he doesn’t know how to keep them in his life long-term otherwise.