Chapter 13 #3
He flinches, turning to me with a sad smile.
“When I met you, I felt like you were like me in a way. I wanted to spend more time with you. I wasn’t sure how to ask, and the PR idea gave me an excuse.
For me it’s normal. I spin lies for a living.
It’s all I’ve known. Sometimes I feel like the only reason people will spend time with me is if they have to, so …
I don’t know. I’m sorry for the way I handled things, though.
” He looks at me, regret etched on his face.
“It would have been the perfect love story, but neither of us is even straight.”
Realization dances across Kai’s face. “You’re gay?”
“Shit, mate, I asked to kiss you. That wasn’t a dead giveaway?
” Asher grins. Kai just stands there, resetting his face to its factory settings.
“I don’t like labels. That stuff doesn’t matter to me.
I like who I like. Though I guess pansexual would be the closest one.
” Asher glances between us, an amused smile touching his lips.
“Should I wake up my legal team and have them draft three NDAs? Since we each have a secret and all.”
Shit. Well, I didn’t expect karaoke night to end up with all of us coming out.
My eyes drift to the mirror ball above us. It has stopped spinning.
“It’s okay. I trust you both,” I say. I expected coming out to be this big task, an added weight on my shoulders, but it feels like breathing after almost drowning.
I wonder if coming out to my fans would feel any different.
If they would accept me as seamlessly as Asher did.
But maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it only matters how I feel about it.
Asher reaches for a leftover bottle and pours the remaining liquid into three plastic cups.
“Cheers then, to being queer and weird—” He falters, clutching his stomach. His face grows pale as he lurches forward, grabbing the nearest ice bucket and emptying his stomach into it.
Kai muffles a snort behind his palm. He crouches down next to Asher and rubs his back, offering him a napkin. “Guess we won’t be telling anyone about this, either.”
Asher ends up passing out on the couch of our hotel room, despite his driver dropping us off.
He came up to use the bathroom, and by the time I returned with some water to help him sober up, he was already asleep.
Kai covered him with a blanket with as much gentleness as a murderer disposing of his victim.
He heads to his room next, but he leaves the door open, a silent invitation.
I don’t even ask if I can come in, I just do, my feet cold against the marble tiles.
Kai tosses the blankets aside, making room for me on the other side of the bed.
I yank an extra pillow from under him and prop it over my lap, resting my elbows on top.
His silhouette is framed by the lamp on his bedside, accenting the brown in his eyes.
“So,” he murmurs when I don’t speak. There are so many things I want to ask him. I just don’t know where to begin.
“So,” I echo. The air feels heavy.
“I wanted to tell you.” His hair falls freely across his cheekbones. “Just couldn’t seem to find the right time.”
“It’s okay. How long have you known?”
“A few months. Less than a year.” He wrings his hands together.
“What made you realize it?” I ask. “If you want to tell me.”
“I … never had a huge realization moment. It was more gradual. I had always assumed I was straight because that’s what we’re told is the default.
I like women, so I didn’t question it. Then in college I just …
started noticing things. Or, allowing myself to notice.
Like the way I look at guys isn’t just platonic, even though I thought it was.
And when I imagine myself dating a guy, the more it seems like something that I would really like, actually.
I also started reading more queer stories.
They helped me find my inspiration to draw again.
I wasn’t sure why at first. I just felt joyful and free in a way I hadn’t been in …
well, never.” He grins, and it’s a smile I’ve never seen in all the years I’ve known him.
Like he’s let go of something heavy, and he’s ready to take off running.
“I don’t have a grand love story to share.
Something just clicked into place one day.
Like I had spent my entire life looking at myself in a foggy mirror, and it finally cleared. ”
“I’m proud of you.” My voice is thick with the happy tears in my throat. “Really, Kai. You have this light about you. I’m happy you’re not letting it dim.”
But something about what he said gives me pause. When I look in the mirror, who do I expect to see? Sasha? Or Sassy?
“I kept thinking of you, you know?” he says, his voice pinched.
“When we broke up, you said that you would have told me earlier if you’d known you were aroace.
Back then I didn’t believe you. Because everyone just knows who they like.
Until I experienced it myself. When I figured out I was bi, you were the first person I wanted to tell.
Except we weren’t speaking. And it was my fault.
Because I didn’t listen, and I kicked you out of my life.
” His voice holds a tremor. It makes me wish I could erase the sadness from it, that the good things about our relationship weren’t overshadowed by the painful echoes of our past.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there while you figured it out,” I say.
“It was my fault that you weren’t.” He shakes his head. “I promise I’ll be here from now on.”
I don’t know why that annoys me.
“You don’t have to say that. I know this is only temporary until the contract ends.”
A bittersweet feeling pools in my stomach. Society is built for couples. Everyone will get a partner one day, including Kai.
“You’re not going to lose me when the contract ends.”
“I know that, but…” I trail off. His brow furrows, so I smooth it with my finger. “You’re going to fall in love again one day. And I want that for you. It makes me happy seeing my friends happy.”
Except friends drift away. Everyone finds their person, someone who makes the rest of the world fade around them. I’m part of the world that will fade. It’s like that song. You’re nobody till somebody loves you. What if I’m cursed to be no one?
“What if I don’t?” He shrugs. “Love isn’t guaranteed for anyone. Most people rush into relationships anyway.”
I want to say he’s wrong, but part of me agrees.
I don’t get why people treat being single as something they have to endure until they have a partner.
Like it’s a war, and they’re in the trenches.
Everyone would be happier if there wasn’t so much pressure to find the one.
If we all just enjoyed each other’s company regardless of whether it’s platonic, romantic, or something else.
But reality is different, and I can’t do anything to change it.
“That’s true, but still, you will find someone,” I say. “You don’t have to be alone.”
“And you do?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m just being realistic. I’m aro. I don’t feel like I have the right—”
I don’t feel like I have the right to complain about my loneliness. I hate myself for thinking this way, but I’m the one who’s different. I can’t ask society to change to fit me. I already tried to change to fit into society, and look where that got us.
“You don’t have to be alone, either, Sasha.
And you’re not losing me again, so shut up.
” He flicks my forehead with his finger.
I grunt and swat his hand away, but he catches it and closes his fingers around my wrist. “Okay, how about this? If I don’t fall in love, would you take pity on me and continue to be my platonic partner? ”
“That’s not even a thing, is it?” I snort.
“Why not? We could be roommates. Except we’ll actually be just roommates.”
“Historians will call us lovers,” I tease, but he sounds dead serious. My heart twists. Don’t go there. A life together isn’t a promise he can keep. But I can’t help the relieved sigh that escapes me. “Fine. If you don’t fall in love, you can live with me. I’ll buy us a house in LA.”
Don’t go there. Kai will find someone, too, someone who he’ll care about more than he cares about me. I don’t want to get my hopes up designing a future I know won’t happen. No one chooses friendship over love.
“I don’t need you to support me. I can pay my own bills. We could also rent something affordable in London someday. I like how walkable it is.”
“I like it here, too,” I say, and then add out of nowhere, “I’d like to try living in Spain for a while. Not now, but at some point. I’d also love to visit your family in Brazil with you. You could show me around.”
He looks at me like I’m talking crazy, but a sneaky smile betrays him. He’s in. “My cousins will tease you endlessly about your Portunhol.”
“Excuse me? Cara, eu falo muito bem,” I say.
“Zeguro,” he quips, switching to Spanish mid-laugh. “Zi, zi.”
“It’s seguro.” I can’t help but laugh, too.
“Ezzzpana! Olé! Tapazzz.”
“That’s not … Ugh. I’m killing you.” I chuckle.
His next puff of laughter is met with a pillow to the face.
I flop down on the mattress, staring at the shadows dancing on the ceiling.
“Do you ever feel … I don’t know, like even if you were to move to Brazil, you wouldn’t fully fit in now?
Not like your cousins who were born there do. ”
Maybe I’m just projecting my own feelings onto him. Kai has extended family. He has roots. I don’t, just Mamá and her friends.
“Hmmm. T? com saudade do Brasil.” Kai purses his lips, switching to Portuguese, then he’s silent for a second.
“I mean, I miss spending the summers there. There was a part of me that felt at home. I like being surrounded by family. Being an only child, I never got that in LA.” He falls back on the mattress next to me and sighs.
“Sometimes I have this dream, that suddenly I wake up and I can’t speak Portuguese anymore, only English.
When I was little, I thought I was going to get left behind if I couldn’t speak well enough.
Like I had to prove myself somehow, you know?
I remember being so happy when people assumed I was a local.
I’m fluent now, but it still worries me …
losing this part of myself and my identity.
” Before I can reply, or tell him what Rosa shared with me, he turns toward me and grins.
“Let’s do that, though, sometime. I’ll take you to meet my family.
And in return you can show me around Spain.
” Kai stares at the ceiling, like he’s actually considering it.
“I don’t know how we’ll afford all these trips, but well, with your music and my art, we’ll manage. ”
A tinge of surprise travels through me. “You’ve decided to give your art a try?”
“Maybe.” He hums with his eyes closed. “I’m thinking of posting my art anonymously, so no one will know who I am. If it does well, it was meant to be. But I don’t want your help. I need to know that my art is good enough to stand on its own. Just like your music.”
My music is only popular because everyone thinks it’s about you, I almost say.
He’s one of the few people who like my music for what it is, not what it pretends to be.
“Deal.” I hold out my pinky for his. A promise—a stupid one. “Friends who pretend to date for life.”
“Friends who pretend to date for life.”