Chapter 15 #5
“I’m sorry. I was trying to look out for you.” Regret carves a hole in my chest. I never meant for things to get out of hand. “I didn’t like the way he talked to you.”
“For fuck’s sake. He was insecure,” Mia cries out, sitting up. “He saw a picture of me kissing some famous dude. Of course he freaked out! You should have let me handle it.”
“By letting him talk down to you?” This isn’t like her, and the disapproval must be written all over my face, because she presses her lips together and looks away.
“He wasn’t—he’s never like that. You don’t know him.”
“Do you?” I blurt out.
Her body stiffens as if bracing for impact. “I’m getting to. That’s what relationships are for. I’m sorry not everyone wants to be alone like you, Sasha.”
Her judgment presses down on me.
“Better to be alone than in a shitty relationship.” My voice is laced with a sudden bitterness.
“You know, this is why I didn’t want to tell you we were dating. Because I knew you’d react like this,” Mia says. Her eyes flash with hurt. “I’m sorry that some of us want to be loved.”
I want to be loved, too.
I flinch at the sting of her words. We’ve never fought like this, let alone over a guy.
“You are loved, Mia. I love you. Your family loves you. Kai, all of your friends love you.” I reach out, but she pulls away, as if my touch burns.
“It’s not the same.” Mia’s voice trembles.
“I’m sorry, but it’s not. Friendship has a ceiling that relationships don’t.
The depth of intimacy you get from a partner, you can’t get anywhere else.
And if you don’t think that, you’re naive.
Look at Toni and Malvin. They’re each other’s everything.
I want that, too. Everyone wants to find their person, Sasha.
Everyone. I’m tired of you looking down on me because I want something you don’t. ”
“I…” I falter. “Is that what you think?”
A knot forms in my stomach. Have I been looking down on her without realizing it?
“Yeah. It’s like you judge me for wanting to be in love.”
“I don’t,” I say. But do I? “I want you to be happy.”
“Are you sure?” Mia meets my gaze head-on. “You’ve been in a mood all day.”
“I was just caught by surprise. I didn’t know he was coming with us. You didn’t say. You didn’t even tell me you were serious.” I shift uncomfortably, my hands fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.
“What’s wrong with the three of us hanging out?
It’s not like I bailed on you to hang out with him,” she scoffs.
Her expression softens slightly, but there’s still a hint of frustration in her eyes as she leans back against the headboard, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s normal, Sasha.
People prioritize their partner, because you’re trying to build something meaningful together. ”
“And friendship isn’t meaningful?” My voice tinges with defiance. “Just say what you really mean. That we’re growing apart.”
Her expression falls. It hurts when she says nothing. All I want is for her to prove me wrong. To tell me that it’s all in my head, and that nothing’s changed.
“We have.” She averts her eyes, and I can’t read the expression on her face.
Not anymore. We sit in silence, the only source of light Mia’s lamp on the bedside table, casting long shadows across her cheeks.
“What do you want me to do? It’s not my fault.
I tried. I really did. But we have different lives.
Even if we didn’t, what are you trying to make me feel guilty for?
Because I want to fall in love? Look around, Sasha.
No matter how much effort you put into a friendship, love always wins. You just can’t see that.”
The admission hangs between us, a sharp, jagged thing piercing my heart.
Love always wins. Despite how much her words suck, I can’t deny she’s right. It’s everywhere I look, unescapable. Society is meant for two. I’m just the friend that walks behind everyone on the sidewalk.
My nails dig into my palms as my gaze drops to the floor where the clay axolotl lies flattened under a book. I don’t know how it ended up there, or maybe she doesn’t care about it anymore.
“See what, Mia? That you’re just desperate to have a boyfriend? It doesn’t matter who it is as long as it’s someone, right?” My words shoot out like venom. I regret them immediately.
I don’t mean to be spiteful, but to hear her say those things, like our almost twenty-year-old friendship pales in comparison to a month-long relationship, cuts deep.
“Oh my God, grow up. Your PR relationship won’t last forever. Kai will find someone he wants to be with, too. Maybe he already has.” Her gaze pierces through me, accusing and wounded. “Stop trying to fix everyone else. Maybe you’re the broken one.”
Her expression crumbles at the last part, as if she regrets it, but it’s too late.
I take a step back, and I can physically feel it, the moment my heart shatters.
Each of her words slices through me like a knife.
Mia was the first person I came out to. The person I cried to when I left Kai.
Is this what she really thinks about me—that I’m broken?
Something wet stains my cheeks. I have no idea when I started crying.
I thought I knew exactly who Mia was, but maybe I don’t know anything. Whatever rift has grown between us, maybe it can’t be mended.
It’s an illusion. Everything. Everywhere. All the time.
A sob rocks my body. It’s like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, everyone keeps reminding me there’s something wrong with me. And that I deserve to be alone.
I reach for my overnight bag and my shoes and bolt out of her place, wiping my cheeks.
“Wait, Sasha—” Mia’s voice seeps through the walls, but I’m not Jason, and she doesn’t chase after me. I don’t want her to. Part of me knows she’s right. Love always wins.