Chapter 16
I board the first flight out of New York, needing to put some space between me and Mia.
She called me once, but I didn’t pick up, and she hasn’t tried again.
By the time I land in LA at two AM, the airport is a ghost town.
Fluorescent lights hum overhead, rows of empty seats stretching out.
Ironically, the only other people in front of me are a couple, lovingly rubbing each other’s backs and sneaking in kisses while they wait for their baggage.
Must be nice, I think, to exist without that existence being called into question.
My footsteps echo in silence as I ponder what to do. I don’t want to go home. My moms would freak out if I showed up unannounced, since I wasn’t supposed to be back yet, and I don’t feel like explaining what happened with Mia.
They’ve always been supportive of me being aroace, but sometimes I catch it, that look of pity in their eyes.
Deep down, I know they’d be relieved if I fell for someone.
Even though they’ve never said it, they’d like for me to find a love like theirs.
And I understand why, but it makes me feel like they don’t get it. They don’t get me.
Maybe Marissa’s right. Maybe I should get my own place.
I decide to head to Kai’s house in the hopes that I can crash there. He’s the only person I want to see right now. I just want to go back to that peace I’ve felt for the past few weeks, spending the holidays with him and Asher.
The moment the cab drops me off, I rush down the roadway toward his grandpa’s house, painted in a golden glow under the streetlights.
The sidewalk is lined with parked cars, leaving just enough room for me to squeeze by.
I pull my jacket tighter, bracing against the chill as I dart across his backyard, the grass tickling my ankles above my sneakers.
Kai gave me a key over the holidays, but I don’t want to wake anyone up, so it’s better if I use the back door.
Relief floods through me when I see faint light spilling from his basement.
His grandpa keeps a detached apartment there with its own independent entrance.
Kai often stays there, drawing or watching TV until late.
I texted him to ask him if I could spend the night at his place, but it never went through, which tracks. The reception in his basement is crap.
I don’t think he’ll mind, though.
I ease the door open with the faintest creak. Gripping the walls, I make my way down the stairs carefully, but before I can announce my arrival, a soft whirring sound envelops the air, and Asher’s voice cuts through it.
Oh, nice. He’s here too—
“It’s romantic, right?” His laughter drifts up the stairs. “You wanted to do something romantic.”
My steps halt. Romantic?
“This is your definition of romantic?” A scoff betrays Kai’s presence. “Dancing in the fridge light like in some cheesy romance song?”
“Shut up and kiss me again,” Asher says.
Static fills my mind as I peer down the staircase. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but my feet drag me forward. Kai’s got Asher’s face in his hands, pulling him close for a kiss as they sway together, the fridge behind them spilling warm light around their figures.
I freeze. Are they—
Kai and Asher are kissing. Not just that. There’s something about the way Asher smiles against Kai’s lips that tells me it’s something more.
A sharp, painful twist grips my heart, rooting me to the spot. I stand there, caught between wanting to say something and needing to flee. My first thought is that they make sense together, but as reality sinks in, so does the realization that I shouldn’t be here.
Mia was right. I’m the broken one. I can’t deny it any longer. A storm of emotions rages inside me, but I will myself to spin around and bolt up the stairs before they see me.
Meow. A ball of fur dashes out from under the couch and clings to my leg. Panic grips me as I try to shake Muse off, but his meows turn louder until they echo across the room.
I can almost feel it, the moment they realize I’m there. The air thickens, like we’re all holding our breath. When I whip around, my eyes meet Kai’s across the room.
He peels away from Asher, his face draining of color. “Sash?”
“I—” I trail off. I can’t bear the look on Kai’s face right now, the way that sweet smile drops from his face. I’ve broken up their intimacy, stealing a moment I wasn’t meant to intrude on. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt…”
My voice catches in my throat. I should have never come here. It was so stupid of me to think I could rely on Kai. He’s not my boyfriend. He owes me nothing.
Love always wins. Mia’s words are a mockery, echoing in my mind.
Without another word, I burst out of the house. Despite the jacket I’m wearing, shivers race down my arms—partly from the cold, partly from Kai’s frantic voice dashing down the street after me.
“Sasha. What happened?” Kai’s hand wraps around my arm, pulling me into a spin. His eyes widen, chest rising and falling with quick breaths. “Why are you back? Did something happen—”
“I’m okay.” I shove him away with enough force to make him stumble. “Leave me alone.”
Guilt snaps through me at the dejected look on his face. I don’t want him or Asher to think they’ve done anything wrong. Deep down, I’m happy for them. I had never seen Asher smile the way he did when Kai kissed him. They make sense together.
It’s just … It feels like everybody’s love makes my loneliness louder.
Stop trying to fix everyone else. Maybe you’re the broken one.
“Sasha, let us explain—” Kai says. Us. It used to mean me and him. Now it means him and Asher. I look around, expecting Asher to sprint out of the house, but it’s just Kai and me in the middle of the road.
How long have they been dating? Is there a reason they wanted to keep me in the dark, like Mia did? Am I just … Did I do something wrong?
“Go home, Kai” is all I say before I walk away. He moves as if to chase me. “Don’t.”
He stands there, frozen under a streetlight. I don’t even bother turning back to look at him as I take off running, my bag bouncing beside me.
Everything is a blur by the time I stagger through the door of my house.
Tears carve salty trails down my cheeks, but I wipe them away in a hurry, not wanting to wake anyone up as I tiptoe my way to my room.
I collapse on the bed without bothering to take my clothes off, wishing for the sweet release of sleep, but the pressure threatens to crush me.
My therapist said accepting your sexuality gets easier with time, but for me, it’s the opposite.
I don’t know how to fit into the mold everyone else effortlessly inhabits without suffocating.
I don’t know where I fit in a world made for two, a world where friendship can’t measure up to romance.
Maybe the truth is there’s just no space for people like me, and I won’t ever be enough.
I wake up to several missed calls from Kai and Asher. I ignore them all.
I know it’s only a matter of time before they show up at my place, so I leave for the studio, making excuses about needing a new song in time for the Grammys when my moms and Sonia ask why I’m back early.
I don’t know if it’s my puffy eyes, or the way my voice keeps cracking when we try to record, but Shirley brings me tea and a chocolate croissant from the place down the block, a look of understanding on their face.
“You want to talk about it?” They slide their chair closer to mine.
“Not right now,” I say.
“Want to sing about it?” they ask, forcing a smile out of me—the first one today.
We’re halfway through a take when Shirley removes their headphones to answer a call. A minute later, they rise from their chair, abruptly marching toward the booth.
“Did I mess up? I’m sorry, let’s do another—” I start to say when they open the door.
“You have a call.” They hand me their phone, covered in Pokémon stickers. “I’m gonna get some air. I’ll give you a few minutes to talk.” They wink and step out, leaving me alone in the booth with a dumbfounded look and their phone.
“Can we talk?” Asher’s voice catches me off guard as his face appears on the screen. His hair is pulled back by a headband, and the circles under his eyes look huge, like he didn’t sleep.
I blink in surprise. How did he get my producer’s number? How did he know where I was? Who I was with? I rub my face, trying to process. I mean, he probably knows a guy who knows a guy.
“Look, I realize this is borderline stalkerish, but you weren’t answering, and Kai’s freaking out. I just want to explain.”
Guilt squeezes my heart like a thorny vine. I don’t want Kai to suffer. Yesterday was just a lot. I needed to get my thoughts in order. But I’m not trying to punish them. They haven’t done anything wrong.
“Sure,” I say. “Sorry I haven’t picked up the phone.”
“I understand. And look, we weren’t trying to keep it from you. It’s recent.” His voice is apologetic, but all I hear is the echo of Mia’s words.
My stomach hollows. “How long have you two been dating?”
“We’re not … dating.” His words are measured, but I catch the way he stiffens, as if pulling away from the screen.
“We kissed a week ago. A little after New Year’s.
But I wouldn’t say we’re dating. We haven’t talked …
He lives here, and with my schedule … I don’t even know if we could make it work. ”
He averts his eyes, his lips pressing into a tight line. That’s when it hits me. Asher doesn’t fall in love. Wasn’t that what he said, that night on the balcony? I can’t seem to fall in love, no matter how hard I try.
My expression hardens, the tempest of feelings curdling in my stomach crystallizing into protectiveness. “Don’t play with his heart, Asher.”
I don’t want Kai to go through that kind of pain again. I don’t want him to wake up one day and realize the person he’s with can’t love him in the same way he loves them. I already did that, and it almost destroyed him.
“I’m not.” Asher’s voice softens. “I wouldn’t.”