Chapter 17 #3
“I—” She hugs her knees to her chest, her hair falling around her face.
A tear spills down her cheek, and I have to keep myself from wrapping my arms around her.
I’m still hurt, but I’ve always had a low threshold when it comes to seeing other people cry, especially Mia. “I think … I think I was scared.”
“Scared?”
“Of being alone.” She pushes the words out in a rush. “College isn’t what I thought it would be. There are days when I barely talk to anyone outside of class. I have no real friends, and—”
“But you do have friends,” I say, confused.
Mia’s always been popular, a natural at connecting with people.
I’ve always envied that about her, the way everyone gravitates toward her.
I’m the opposite; growing up, the only friends I ever made were the ones she had already befriended.
I don’t even know if I would have gotten close to Kai if she hadn’t been in that group project.
“Friends who are not you,” she says. Her shoulders slump.
“Or Kai. Or any of the people that matter. And it scares me. That this is going to be it for the rest of my life. Just … shallow friendships that come and go. Loneliness. I thought a partner was the only way out of that loneliness,” she chokes out.
“It’s not an excuse, though. What I said to you is unforgivable, and I regretted it immediately.
I guess you struck a chord when you said I was desperate to be with someone.
I don’t know. I felt judged. I wish I could be like you. ”
“Like me?”
“You’re not afraid to be alone.”
“I’m terrified of being alone,” I say. She blinks. “I’m just not scared of being single. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved, too.” I look down, unable to meet her eyes. “You made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love.”
“You are. Fuck, you are. I’m so sorry, Sasha. You’re my best friend, and I love you.” She sobs, clutching the octopus plushie like a lifeline. “You know I don’t think that.”
The worst part is, I know she doesn’t, because she’s my best friend. I’ve known her since we were in diapers, and I know her heart. A five-minute argument doesn’t erase years of friendship, but it still hurts. Every time I replay her words, it’s like I’m being stabbed with a rusty blade.
“You’re not broken, but maybe I am,” she says, locking eyes with me. “There’s a part of me that feels incomplete because I’m not with someone. I don’t know why, and I just … Ugh. Look at what I’m saying. I feel so stupid.” She groans in frustration, wiping at her cheeks.
“You’re not broken.” I take a tentative step toward her and sit on the other end of the bed.
“I thought having a boyfriend would make me feel less lonely. Jason made me feel like I had someone who cared about me, and I got lost in it. It felt really nice to be wanted. Like I had checked off an invisible box and I could finally relax.”
A tinge of understanding courses through me.
I’ve always thought it was stupid, the way people rush into relationships because they can’t be alone, but isn’t that what I did with the contract, in a way?
It was a way to conform, to escape the pressure.
I guess we’re all lonely in the end. It’s just …
romantic relationships can’t be the only way to have someone deeply care about you.
“I understand,” I say. Surprise flickers through Mia’s eyes.
“And I shouldn’t have said that you were desperate to be in a relationship.
You were right. I was being judgy. It’s okay to want one, and to want to be crazy in love and spend time with that person.
Or persons,” I add, thinking of Shirley.
She shakes her head. “Not if it means fighting with your best friend.”
“Then why didn’t you just talk to me?” I ask. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were lonely?”
I thought we told each other everything.
“You’re always so busy. When I call, you hardly have time to pick up. I didn’t want to burden you with it.” Mia cradles the plushie in her hands, staring at it blankly. “You have your own life now. A life I’m barely a part of.”
“You’re never a burden to me.”
“But you were right,” she says. “When you said that we can’t connect in the way that we used to. Hearing you say it out loud made me feel like I had already lost you. Like I was grasping at the straws of our old friendship.”
I gulp. There it is—the elephant in the room. Mia and I are growing into different people. I don’t know how to fix that. But I know I want to work on it. Maybe the love we have for each other needs to be remolded into something else. Relationships take work, but friendships do, too.
“You will never lose me.” My voice wavers, but I speak on. Even if we’re upset, even if an apology doesn’t make things okay right away, she needs to hear it. “Sorry to say, but you’re stuck with me. I mean that. We’re going to rock the retirement home together.”
That earns me a snicker. “Okay.”
“Even if we’re apart right now, I still want you in my life, Mimi. I want to find ways for us to reconnect. And I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I want that, too,” she whispers, reaching out and giving my hand an uncertain squeeze. “You know I’d choose you before any guy, right? I shouldn’t have invited Jason to hang out with us without asking you. I’m sorry.” She lets out a quiet laugh. “I broke up with him, by the way.”
“Are you okay?” My stomach clenches a little. Even if I didn’t like him, I don’t want her to hurt.
“I will be.” She wipes at her cheeks with a sniffle. “I should have broken up with him after that night. I don’t know why I didn’t. I hated the person I became around him, but I was stuck in it. It’s like I became small.”
My heart lurches. I feel stuck, too. In Sassy’s skin, the expectations that go with her. I should be doing something to protect Kai and Asher, and yet, here I am, feeling too small to do anything.
“Wait, then what happened?” I ask. “How did you break up?”
“Nothing, really. One night we were playing with this baby simulator to see what our kids would look like, and he said something about how I’d be a great mom—that he could already see me staying home with the kids.
And I was like … Uh, no. Maybe I want to be a mom one day, but I love microbiology.
I’m not giving it up. It spun into a fight, and then, I don’t know.
Remember the Barbie movie, when the Barbies suddenly wake up? It felt like that. Fuck him, honestly.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He can burn in hell for all I care.” She flops down on the bed, staring at the ceiling with a mix of anger and resignation. “You were right. Love sucks.”
“I never said love sucks.” I let myself fall next to her until our heads touch. “Have I ever told you who Jason reminded me of? The rat from Ratatouille.”
She gives me a look. “Don’t disrespect Remy like that.”
We both start laughing so hard that we have to sit up. I want to say it’s like old times, but that’s not true. I shouldn’t cling to the past, because it doesn’t allow room for change. This is new, but our bond can take it. It’s steady, even if it evolves. Even if it changes. It’s ours to shape.
“Can I hug you?” Mia asks. I tackle her in an embrace before she can finish her sentence. “I love you, you know that?”
Her hair tickles my nose. It smells like strawberries. “I love you too, Mimi.”
“So does Kai. He visited me,” she tells me. She pulls away and holds my hands. “He came to New York with Asher to get us to talk. He said I shouldn’t make the same mistakes he did. That spending two years away from you was torture.”
A pang of pain spears through my chest. Kai’s ready to burn down the world for me. And I’m not even doing anything to shield him from a storm of my own making.
I reach for my phone and navigate to my private account and look for Kai’s profile. I don’t even know what I’m going to do—message him? And say what?
My stomach flops when my feed updates and Kai’s profile appears at the top. It’s the anonymous page he created to post his art. It was doing really well, and no one knew it belonged to him. But someone must have found out, because it’s flooded with hate comments.
werideatdawnforsassy CHEATER
kai_you_should_kys trash art from a trash person.
sassyapologist09 sassy’s next album is going to be a banger, so thanks.
kaiistheworst you suck, hope this helps.
The fuck? My lips twist into a scowl. People are eating this up. My fans are eating this up. At least some of them. I know they want to defend me, but they don’t have any context. Others only care about what music is going to come out of this.
Kai’s not even defending himself. I kind of wish he would. I wish he’d just tell everyone that I’m to blame, that we weren’t actually dating. Then all of this would be over.
I want to call him, but I don’t know how to face him after our last conversation. I can’t keep popping in and out of his life. Every time I do, I make it worse.
I’m the one who started this. I need to be the one to fix it.
“I feel guilty,” Mia tells me. She frowns as she eyes the comment section of Kai’s latest art video. “That picture of Kai and Asher, it was taken somewhere in my building when Kai visited me. Someone must have caught them kissing after he spoke to me.”
“Asher wouldn’t let anyone catch him doing something he’s not ready for people to see.”
Asher is meticulous. He would know it was career suicide to let himself be caught kissing Kai so soon after our breakup.
Mia shrugs. “Love makes you stupid.”
“Not this stupid.”
Asher’s too much of a pro to slip up like this, no matter how in love he is. The only way he’d kiss Kai in public is if he was absolutely sure that no one was watching.
“This looks like a hidden camera.” Mia points at the blurry picture. It was taken from an angle. “Maybe they hid a phone somewhere. There is a trash can in that corner. Is that even legal?”
“But who would do that?” I ask. “And why?”
Something doesn’t make sense. It could be that someone was after Asher, or his family, and they wanted to out him. But the timing is strange. It got out right after Kai and I broke up. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But …
“You’re the famous one. You tell me,” Mia says.
I’m the famous one.
A shiver slithers down my spine at the realization. What if this was never about Asher? What if this was always about me?