Chapter 5 #2
He laughs, leaning away, and I lift my head, feeling eyes on me. Noah is glaring at me, and his hand is wrapped around his knife as it digs into the table. Swinging my gaze from him to Mackie, I worry I’ve overstepped, but Mackie seems oblivious.
I nudge him and quietly ask, “Are you and Noah dating?”
“What?” he yells, looking shocked. The whole table looks at us before carrying on their conversations, and Mackie’s cheeks pinken so adorably I have the urge to keep teasing him. “No, why would you ask that?” he asks quietly, shooting Noah a look. “He’s my . . . boss.”
He steals another look at Noah, however, and there’s something in his gaze I recognize—longing.
Interesting, there’s something there for sure, but is it one-sided?
I watch them as the meal goes on, and Noah barely interacts with Mackie, but he steals glances at him when he thinks Mackie isn’t looking, and every time I offer Mackie a bite, Noah glares at me.
It becomes a game. I’m curious how far I can push it, not to mention Mackie is . . . cute.
He’s fun to talk with, and he makes me feel about ten years younger, not to mention I want to get to know him.
I have a debt to repay. I just never thought I would want to repay it so badly. The dead organ in my chest seems to beat a little faster, something it has not done in years, but I ignore it.
“Did you always want to be a racer?” I ask as I take a sip of my beer. It isn’t wine, but it will do. I didn’t want to stand out by not drinking it.
“Hmm, yes and no,” Mackie answers with a grin as he wipes his mouth.
“I wanted to be a lot when I was growing up. I was kind of an indecisive kid.” He smiles fondly.
“They could never calm me down, so one day my grandma took me to one of those go-kart racetracks and just let me go around and around until I was tired. I’d never felt so free, and she must have realized it because we went back every week.
She started researching, and then we started watching races together.
When I was a teenager, I realized I could do it if I wanted to.
It wasn’t easy, since I had to do a lot of training and getting into a good company was nearly impossible, but Noah took me in and has been teaching me a lot. ”
“That’s amazing. You have clearly worked very hard for it. Are you and your grandma close?” I ask curiously.
“Very. My parents died when I was young, and she took me in. She’d already raised her kids and was retired, but she never once hesitated. She gave me the best childhood I could have ever asked for, and I love her a lot,” he says.
“I’m sorry about your parents,” I murmur, covering his hand with mine. “That must have been hard.”
“I was young, so I don’t remember a lot about them,” he admits, looking at my hand on his. “I know I should miss them, but she always made sure I never wanted for anything, including love. I’m luckier than most people in that situation.”
As I stare at him, I wonder how anyone could be that kind. He lost his parents, yet he seems so well adjusted and thankful. He didn’t let it warp him. If anything, he used it to be a better person.
“She must be very proud,” I say softly.
“I hope so.” He grins. “What about you? Did you always want to be a photographer?”
“God, no.” I laugh, and he grins. “Someone I loved very much did, and I guess I just followed him. I realized I was good at it and could use it to look after the people I cared about.”
“He must be proud too,” he replies.
“He was.” My smile fades, and for a moment, I can’t breathe. My chest is so tight, I struggle to draw in air. “He died a few years ago.”
“I’m so sorry, Conan.” He places his hand on mine this time, and the warmth and comfort he offers causes the air to whoosh into my chest. I practically slump in relief at being able to breathe again. “I didn’t mean to bring up something painful.”
“It’s okay. It’s nice to talk about him.
” I don’t ever talk about him, but as I stare into Mackie’s eyes, I realize it was a dishonor to him.
He deserves to be remembered by everyone.
He was so fucking perfect, the world should remember him, but I’ve been keeeping him to myself.
“There aren’t many people around who remember him now.
His parents moved away, and our friends moved on. ”
“You loved him a lot, and you remember him. That’s enough, isn’t it? I think being remembered by the person who loved you most would be enough for me. Besides, if he loved you, he wouldn’t want you to feel sad or guilty.”
He wouldn’t. He would hate it. He would be so mad at me for how I’ve been living, but I’d gladly take his ire as long as he was here to do it.
Mackie smiles softly at me and squeezes my hand. “If you ever want to talk about him, you can talk to me. I might be a stranger, but sometimes that’s easier.”
How do I tell him he isn’t a stranger?
How do I tell him that when he was a stranger, he saved my life?
Mackie hasn’t changed. I always wondered if I had built him up in my head. Grief and hopelessness made me cling to him, making him an angel when he was just a man, but as he smiles at me, I know he truly is that person I met on the worst day of my life.
In that moment, I vow that not only will I repay him, but I will also help make his dreams a reality. I’m only here because of him, so I might as well use my life to make sure he gets the one he deserves.
“Thank you, Mackie,” I say, wishing I could tell him that my gratitude is for more than just now. He frowns as if he senses I mean something more. “Thank you.”
I feel tears well in my eyes. He’ll never know how much he saved me. He doesn’t remember me, and that’s okay, as long as he’s happy.
A loud noise makes us break apart, and we turn to see Noah thrusting his chair back as he gets to his feet, glaring at us.
“Mackie, with me,” he snaps, and then he turns and walks away.
I watch him go, and Mackie looks confused. “Sorry, I’ll be back,” he murmurs as he follows Noah.
It’s in this moment that I know it isn’t one-sided.
Why aren’t they together?
“Ignore them,” Skylar mutters. “Noah is too much of an idiot to admit he’s in love with Mackie, and Mackie will get tired of chasing him.”
“I see.” I eye where they went.
Life might have taken my love away from me, but maybe I could get Mackie his.
Knowing he’s happy and in love with someone would be enough to repay him, right?