Chapter 6
SIX
I’m really tired of Noah’s mood swings. When I was talking with Conan, it was nice, not to mention he was sharing something obviously very painful with me. He didn’t deserve Noah’s anger.
Scrubbing at my hair, I step through the open door and into the smoking area he’s waiting in. It’s empty, the cool air making me wrap my coat tighter around me.
“What’s up, boss?” I ask, genuinely confused.
I haven’t done anything to piss him off today.
At least, I don’t think I have. I haven’t flirted or pushed him, as much as I wanted to.
Even now, when he turns to me, I want to kneel and tell him how fucking amazing he looks in those clothes and kiss his snarling mouth until he smiles again, but I don’t.
He wouldn’t like it. He’d get angry and push me away again.
“Seriously? What’s up?” he shouts, and my eyes widen as I gape at him, realizing he’s actually mad. His anger washes over me, cutting me down to pieces until I feel like a naughty kid.
It’s cruel, and it makes me feel like shit, but only Noah seems to have that power over me.
“What did I do?” I ask as I step closer, but he steps back. I stare into his furious face as he crosses his arms and glares at me. “I’m sorry, Noah, for whatever—”
“You don’t even know?” He laughs incredulously. “Of fucking course you don’t.”
“Noah, talk to me,” I demand. “What did I do?”
“Do you know you’ve been cuddled up with him all night?” I frown at his venomous words, his eyes shooting daggers at me as I stare. “You’re at a table with your peers and team, and you’ve completely ignored them for him.”
“Conan?” I frown. “We were just talking—”
“All night.” His head tilts down as he glares at me so strongly, I shiver. I love Noah’s dominant side just as much as I love his caring side. In fact, I sometimes piss him off just to rile him up like this. “This is a work dinner. You shouldn’t be flirting like that.”
“Skylar and Bones flirt all night, and so do Evan and Alek. Why is it a problem if I do?” I mutter.
“So you were flirting?” he hisses.
I stare into his dark eyes, and something hopeful unfurls in my chest. “Are you jealous?”
“Jealous?” he scoffs, looking away. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just annoyed that my team member isn’t behaving appropriately.”
That hope dies, and I swallow the pain, growing annoyed.
“I’m not on the clock right now, and I’m not at work.
Whoever I drink and talk with outside of work is none of your concern.
You don’t mind if it’s any of them, so why do you care when it’s me?
” He doesn’t answer, so I step closer. “I think you’re jealous.
You’ve been glaring at Conan all night.” He doesn’t speak, so I move closer until I’m pressed against his chest. His eyes flare as he looks down at me.
I can smell the distinctive scent that is Noah—metal and oil mixed with something darker, something that never fails to make me hard.
My eyes drop to his lips as I recall how he devoured me, backing me into a wall like he couldn’t get enough.
It was the best kiss of my life, and he doesn’t remember it.
“I think you’re jealous. Admit it. Say it and I’m yours,” I state. I tried to be patient, and I’ve made myself clear, but none of it worked, so I’m being direct now. I want Noah. I have since I first saw him on my screen when I was a teenager, before I knew what that meant.
“I am not jealous,” he retorts as he pushes me back a step, “nor do I want you to be mine, Mackie. How many times have we had this discussion?”
“Liar,” I murmur as I look from his lips to his eyes, almost pleading with him to admit the truth. “Just say it. Just admit why you’re so angry right now.”
He pushes me, and I stumble backwards.
“Stop it. You’re just a kid. You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Noah snaps, and my teeth grind.
I always bite back these words on the tip of my tongue, but I decide I’m sick of holding back. “I’m a kid? I’m a fucking adult, Noah, and it’s about time you started treating me like one.” His eyes flare for a moment. “When are you going to see what’s right in front of you?”
“When are you going to fucking listen to me?” he yells. “I don’t want to date you. I don’t want you, Mackie, so stop reading more into this than what it is. You’re an employee to me, nothing else. You never will be, so stop imagining things that aren’t real just because you want it.”
When he’s finished, he’s panting, and my heart lies in splinters.
Sky told me to never give up. I thought I was finally getting somewhere after we kissed, but I was wrong.
I’m so fucking tired of my heart hurting, of wanting someone who is determined to push me away.
I’m so fucking tired of being made to feel like shit by the person I love most in the world.
I feel myself shutting down as I stare at him.
He’s right. I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t fair to either of us.
I don’t want him to be uncomfortable at work, and I can’t keep holding out for someone who will never be mine.
It hurts too much.
“I apologize, sir. It won’t happen again.” My voice is cold as I try to stop my aching heart from shattering in my chest. Whatever I thought was between us is over.
“Mackie, wait—” He reaches for me, but I turn away and rip the door open. He calls my name again as I walk to the table. I grab my bag and force a smile onto my face as everyone stops to look at me.
“I have a headache, so I’m heading home. Thanks for today. Great job, everyone.”
“I’ll drive you,” Noah mutters as he grabs his coat.
“No need, sir. I will find my own way.” Nodding at everyone, I refuse to look at Noah as I hurry outside, grab a taxi, and get the hell out of there before I break down.
Noah doesn’t want me, and maybe he never did. It’s time I stopped trying to make him.
It’s time to let him go.
My dream of being a racer and being important to him are all so tied up together that I feel like walking away from everything I ever wanted, but I know what I need to do. It’s time to stop chasing dreams that will never come true.
It’s time to move on.
My phone hasn’t stopped going off, but I ignore Alek, Skylar, Evan, and even Noah. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I slip from the silk sheets and sink to my ass on the cold floor, where I tug out the wooden box I take everywhere with me.
Opening it, I remove the clippings I saved and stare at him.
Noah.
He was younger then, younger than me now, but he was already at the top of his league, winning race after race. He was my hero, the reason I became a racer, and why I kept applying to Starfire, even when other companies wanted to recruit me. I knew what I wanted. I always did, and I went for it.
Maybe it is a teenage crush that I’m holding onto, one I need to let go of. Wiping my eyes, I put his photos back in the box and pull out the first trophy I ever won. When I accepted it, I wondered if he would give me one someday. I would imagine his face over and over.
Every relationship I’ve ever been in didn’t last because they weren’t him.
What started as hero worship soon turned into a crush, and then into longing when I started working for him.
I spent every day with him, falling deeper and harder, even when he was grumpy and snippy.
The softness he hid under it all was my favorite, and it felt like it was just for me.
My phone buzzes again, and I glance at it, wiping my eyes. I answer when I see the name. “Hey, Grandma.”
“Are you home?” she asks sweetly. I hear her serial killer programs in the background, a familiar tune of my childhood, and something about it and her kind voice relaxes me.
“Yeah, I’m home,” I admit.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her voice hard.
For someone her age, she is a badass. She was always willing to go toe to toe with anyone who disrespected me, like the time when my school called her in because I was fighting.
I shared that they kept talking shit about my parents, and instead of grounding me, she gave me a hundred dollars in front of the principal and kids and told me to kick their ignorant asses harder next time. That same fire is in her voice now.
“Nothing, I’m just tired,” I say, not wanting her to worry.
“Uh-uh, you could never lie to me, kid, like when you started masturbating.” She chuckles.
“Grandma.” I groan as my head hits my bed, but a small smile curls my lips and that pain lessens. “I’m okay, just feeling a little lost.”
“Doesn’t everyone?” I hear the creak of her chair as she turns off the TV. “You’re still so young. Stop thinking you have to have everything figured out, okay? I know you’re determined to be your best and make it happen, but you’re allowed to make mistakes and change your mind. You’re just a kid.”
I huff. “I’m twenty-five.”
“Exactly. You’ve had twenty-five years on earth. That’s it. It’s your first life, so stop being so hard on yourself. I’m seventy-two and I still don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. None of us do. We are all just doing the best we can.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “I’m just trying to figure out if I should keep going or give up,” I hedge.
“Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s a decision that makes you happy, okay?” She sighs. “Tell me who let my sunshine boy down, and I’ll kick their ass for you.”
I laugh and turn, looking at the skyline as I speak. “I know you would. I love you.”
“I know. I love you too, kid, never forget that . . . or the fact that I take classes. I can do it.”
“You take tai chi,” I tease.
“And cooking classes, which means I know how to use a knife.” I laugh again, and her voice is soft when she continues. “I don’t want you to be unhappy, kid, so just make sure your decision makes you happy.”
“What if the thing that would make me happy is also the thing that breaks my heart?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a moment. “Then you need to figure out if the happiness is worth the pain. Nothing comes easy, not something worth having, and you’ve never been one to give up easily.”
I haven’t, but I’m tired and confused right now.
Isn’t giving up the best for both of us? Clearly, Noah is immovable and he wants me to do just that. If I care for him, shouldn’t I give him what he wants, even if it means breaking my own heart?
Do I love him enough to do that?
“How about you come home this weekend? We can watch that new movie you keep going on about and eat shitty food and laugh at Miss Kitty next door.”
My smile is wide. “It’s a date. See you then.”
“See you then, and remember what I said. Knife skills. Plus, I look good in orange.”
Laughing, I hang up and glance down at the open box. I wonder if she’s right. Am I strong enough to fight for this, or should I walk away so we can both be happy?
Neither is an option I like, but maybe I don’t have a choice anymore.