Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Mackie seems distracted. I knew he wasn’t in a good mood when I dropped by earlier, but I was hoping I could cheer him up.
I won’t try to force him to tell me what’s wrong, since he’ll tell me if he wants to, but sometimes just being there for someone is enough.
On the drive back to his condo, however, I worry.
He’s staring down at the card he was given, and his face is closed down.
“Are you thinking about it? I thought you loved Starfire,” I hedge, hoping to get him to talk. I alternate between looking at the road and Mackie.
“Hmm,” he responds before putting the card in his pocket as I pull into the lot by his building. “Oh, are we back? Sorry, I’m miles away.”
“You’re fine,” I promise as I turn off the engine. “Mackie, are you okay?” Despite my insistent nagging not to poke or prod him, I can’t help but ask.
“I’m fine,” he answers. That’s the response you give when you don’t think the other person really wants to know the truth. He won’t meet my eyes, and I know I’m right, so I cup his chin and turn him to face me.
“No, you aren’t, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.
I just want you to know I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.
If you want to talk or just sit in silence, you say the word.
I won’t pry. I care about you, Mackie, and I don’t like seeing you hurt.
” No matter how much I want to resist what’s growing between us, I can’t.
I want Mackie.
I have since the moment I saw him, and when his eyes drop to my lips and then back up to meet my gaze, I know he feels the same way.
“Conan.” The way he says my name softly, almost unsure, has me leaning in before I think it through.
At the first touch of his lips, I’m lost. I pull him closer, licking the seam of his plush lips until he opens them for me, then I slide my tongue in and sweep it across his as he groans. Mackie presses closer and finally kisses me back, gripping my sides and twisting my shirt until I can’t escape.
Everything around us fades. It’s just him and me and the first kiss I’ve had in years.
In his kiss, however, I taste desperation to escape whatever demons are chasing him, so I slow it down and deepen it, showing him that it isn’t a random, spur-of-the-moment thing for me.
When I pull away, we are both breathing heavily, and desire pools in my gut, but I ignore it as his eyes open, burning with desire and something much more potent—wildness.
His eyes sweep down my body with clear meaning. “Do you want to come up with me?”
My brain screams yes. I want nothing more.
I’m hard as hell, and years of pent-up desire explode through me, demanding I take him up on his offer, but my logic kicks in.
This is more than sex for me. Yeah, sex is nice, and I’m betting sex with Mackie would be phenomenal, but I don’t want him to think that is all this is.
I don’t want him to use it as an escape when it means so much more between us.
Despite how badly I want to, I kiss him softly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I admit.
He flinches and tries to pull away, a shutter coming down over his eyes, so I grab his face hard until he looks at me. I don’t want to lose Mackie, and if that means admitting some of my past, then I will.
I stroke his soft skin as he looks at me with round, hurt-filled eyes.
“I haven’t been with anyone since I lost my husband, Mackie.
I don’t do casual sex or one-night stands, so I don’t want our first time to be rushed and because you’re feeling bad.
I want it to mean something. I’m not saying no.
I’m just saying not now. We have all the time in the world.
Is that okay?” I know I’m old-fashioned, but to me, this means something.
For me, sex is wrapped in love and strings, and the only person I have ever been with was my first love and my husband.
No one ever appealed to me after I lost him, not until Mackie woke those dormant feelings.
I need to be sure before we cross that line, and I need him to be as well.
I don’t think I could take having my heart broken again.
His jaw drops as he stares at me. “Husband?”
“A story for another time,” I tell him. “I lost him years ago. You’re the first person I’ve let in since then, Mackie, and I don’t regret it. I want you, I really do, but I don’t want to rush this either, okay?”
He nods, his eyes wide, so I kiss him just because I can, hoping he won’t push me away now that he knows.
Some people have issues with someone who’s been married before, but Mackie sinks into the kiss, and when I let him go, I have to shift in my seat, ignoring my desire as I smile at him.
Usually, I’d get out and open the door for him, but my situation makes it quite hard to do that at the moment.
He must see my internal struggle because he glances down, and laughter tumbles from his lips.
“I can open the door myself. Thank you for taking me out, cheering me up, and telling me. I like you too, Conan, and I’d like to see where this goes.
” He kisses my cheek quickly before diving from my car and racing toward his building.
I watch him go, lifting my hand in a wave as he throws me one before heading inside.
When he’s out of sight, I bang my head into the headrest.
“Stupid, stupid, so stupid,” I grumble before looking down at the very evident tent in my pants.
Turning the engine on, I do my best to ignore it, and it finally goes away by the time I get home. Just to be sure, though, I head to the gym for a couple hours. After showering and climbing into bed, however, all I can think about is him, the way his lips felt, and the little noise he made.
Lifting my hand, I slide my fingers across my lips, wishing I were brave enough to take it further and give him what we both wanted.
My cock hardens, and I drop my hand, grabbing my phone instead to distract myself, but when I unlock it, the screen is open on my and Mackie’s text thread, and I find myself smiling as I scroll back, stopping at a picture he sent me with his tongue sticking out.
I accidentally click on the voice message above the image, and he groans, “Conan.” I’d been teasing him, and it was his reaction, but listening to it now in the dark, it causes a whole other reaction. My cock is hard, and goose bumps erupt on my skin as I play it again.
“Conan.” His voice fills my room. Pressing it to my ear, I slide my hand into my boxers and fist my cock as I hit play again. I repeat it until it loops in my ear as I pump my cock with my fist. My eyes close as I imagine him with me, groaning like that in my ear as he touches me.
It sets me off, making me come embarrassingly fast. My hips pump as I squirt all over my chest and hand, draining myself dry.
Slumping back, I drop my phone to the bed with a groan as my heart hammers, and when there’s a vibration, I almost fall from the bed. I grab my phone, my eyes widening in horror when I realize I stopped playing his voice at some point and recorded a voice message instead.
And he heard it.
Mackie: Fuck, I thought you said not tonight, and then you send me that? Not fair. At least let me use it to get off if you won’t do it yourself.
My heart actually stops, and I scramble to type out a response that doesn’t sound crazy, but there isn’t one.
Conan: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to send it to you. I was accidentally on our texts.
Mackie: Sure, doing what?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. How the hell do I explain that?
Conan: Can we forget this ever happened? Please?
Mackie: Not a chance. I’m saving it. Feel free to send me more while we wait to fuck. I’ll imagine what you’re doing while I play it.
I reread his message three times, my cheeks flaming as I understand what he means, and despite just coming, my cock grows hard again. He’s going to touch himself while listening to me.
I’m so fucked.