Chapter 23 Ryder #2
I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. You could argue that I left him behind when I went on the snowboard circuit, traveling the world while he stayed here.
Then I went ballistic over his coming out, accusing him of being the guy who drove Chase out of town.
Even if he’s not holding a grudge, I probably still have a lot to make up for.
“Sorry I’m late.” Blake holds up his fist for me to bump as he approaches. “My water heater isn’t big enough to handle three consecutive showers, so it takes longer to get out of the house.”
“Unless you’ve changed your habits you don’t shower before you ride.
It’s okay to say you were balls deep in…
your partners.” That’s something I would’ve said before we drifted apart, and I freeze for a second, wondering if my blunt comments are going to make this a real short day.
Fortunately, Blake isn’t the kind of guy to mis-read things.
“Yeah, okay.” I see his face blush under his helmet. “Guilty.”
We’re silent until we get on the chair, not because we don’t want to talk, but there are a lot of ears in a small town, and we’re both conscious of needing to keep our conversation to ourselves. Once we’re on the chair, Blake breaks the silence.
“I’m sure you’ve got questions about how things work with three people. Might as well ask them.”
“Honestly, I don’t, and even if I did, it’s not my business.
The only thing I do question is why you never said anything.
I’m not trying to make this about me,” I rush to clarify.
“I get now that you had to do things at your own speed and all, but it’s hard not to wonder if you didn’t say anything because you thought I wouldn’t accept it. ”
A white cloud erupts from his mouth as he exhales heavily.
“I can understand that. And truthfully, after I saw how people accepted all the other queer couples in town, it wasn’t liking guys that I thought people wouldn’t accept.
First, it was liking guys when I worked with kids.
I got scared that people’s acceptance wouldn’t stretch that far.
Then it was about liking two guys at once.
Even I didn’t think that was possible, and I was the one having those feelings.
Once I finally realized it was real—that I was genuinely into two people at the same time—I still thought I’d have to pick one or the other for anything permanent.
I figured once I found that person, I’d know what to tell people. ”
“You mean you’d come out as gay and name your partner?”
“Something like that,” he chuckles. “It was quite the mindfuck, thinking I’d have to choose one of them over the other to have any kind of future relationship.”
“How would you do that?”
Blake adjusts his gloves as the top of the lift comes into view.
“I know now I couldn’t have—I’d have eventually felt like something was missing.
At the time, I’d made a commitment to Jace first, and I’d planned to honor it.
Fortunately, Jace didn’t believe in having to choose.
And once I stopped trying to put myself in a specific box, I realized it actually felt right to be with both of them together. ”
So much of what he’s saying mirrors what my brother went through.
Questioning your feelings, wondering what people will think when the truth comes out.
I know how hard all of it is because I lived it through Chase, which makes me feel sort of sick that Blake had to do it on his own.
I’m glad to see it all worked out in the end, though I can’t help feeling resentful that Chase never got that chance.
Not resentful of Blake and what he’s found, just…
a general desire that things could’ve been different.
“Random question, which you don’t have to answer, but you really don’t know who hurt Chase enough that he’d leave town? You never… hooked up with anyone here while you were figuring stuff out?”
“No one local,” he says just before we glide off the chair lift.
“Tourists, then?” I ask as we come to a stop at the top of the run so we can strap in.
“The spa wasn’t just a good place to pick up women.” He lifts his shoulder slightly before bending to tighten his binding.
I’m bent at the waist to adjust mine when his words register, and I snap back to my full height. Oh. My. God. How did I not put it together before? I always tried to avoid the male clients but Blake didn’t have that same reservation. It was right in front of me the whole time and I never saw it.
“I can’t believe I never caught on.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“I tried really hard not to let you.”
“Huh,” I huff as I get my boots set. Guess I checked out of our friendship earlier than I thought if I missed that. What else did I miss while I was so focused on my riding?
“Meet you at the bottom?” Blake asks as he puts his goggles on.
“Why not just ride together?”
“I haven’t been able to keep up with you in years.”
“Good thing I don’t feel like racing, then. I’d rather just explore. Maybe we can find some good powder.”
Although I can’t see Blake’s eyes through the goggles, the way his head seems to pull back tells me I’ve surprised him, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I don’t like that I’ve let myself get so wrapped up in racing I forgot to ride for enjoyment, but the fact Blake—a solid rider himself—can’t keep up, makes me wonder if I’d be crazy to leave the circuit.
Urging Blake forward, I fall in behind him and cruise over the slope, diving into the trees where the snow hasn’t been compacted by other riders.
It gives me a floating sensation instead of a flying one, since I’m weaving through the forest rather than racing down a constructed run, but it’s just as exhilarating.
We get to the bottom and jump right back on the chairlift for another run, and Blake asks the one question I still don’t have an answer to.
“What’s up with your jailer?”
“What about him?” I’m not being evasive, I just don’t know what to say.
This time his head dips down, so even though I can’t see his eyes I know he’s saying, “really?”
I fuss with my glove to give my hands something to do. “I can’t really explain it. I’m not saying that to be difficult, I legitimately don’t know what I’m doing. I do know he’s part of the reason I’m out here instead of sleeping off a hangover though.”
“Sounds like he might be good for you.”
“I think he could be, yeah.” I make a lame attempt at an apologetic smile, which Blake accepts with a nod. “I’m not sure he’s a good thing to explore, though. At least not right now… I’m still working through it.”
“Why would it be bad?”
“He says people as fucked up as me shouldn’t be in relationships until they get their shit together. That way, they stay internally motivated to get better.”
“He actually said that?” Blake’s jaw drops.
“I mean he said it nicer, but yeah.”
“Wait, if he said you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him does that mean you want to be?”
“Maybe?” I lift my shoulder. “I feel less numb when he’s around.
At first, I thought it was because we fought all the time, and I liked that he didn’t try to coddle me the way everyone else did.
Now, it’s because he seems to understand me and what I’m going through.
Plus, he’s easy to talk to. I think that makes him the external motivator people like me are supposed to avoid, but I don’t want to stay away from him, either. ”
“I don’t know about the external motivator shit, but I do know Jace and Kane make me feel more alive when I’m with them. They understand me in a way most people don’t, so having someone around who does that for you doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”
“It’s probably not if you haven’t spent the last few months drinking yourself to sleep every night.” I laugh without any humor.
“You’re not still doing that, are you?”
“Not for a few days. It’s easier to abstain if I’m not alone, though.”
“If he’s concerned about that, why'd he spend the night with you?”
“How did you–” I shake my head, blinking in rapid succession. “I never mentioned spending the night with him.”
“Small town.” He grins, teeth whiter than the damn snow. Hayden and I haven’t talked about what we’re doing or whether it’s okay to tell other people, but if anyone can keep a secret it’s Blake.
“Well, in that case… He thinks I want to get better. I guess that means he believes it’s okay to make an exception.”
“Do you want to get better?”
“Depends what better means. Do I want to stop feeling bad all the time—yeah. Do I want to move on and go back to my racing career—I don’t know.
” A white cloud of breath passes through my lips as I chuckle silently.
Nothing about my situation is funny, yet until Chase passed, I’d never been clueless about where I wanted my life to go. Nowadays, it seems to be all I am.
“What else would you do?” Blake’s voice holds a hint of concern.
“I don’t know that, either. That’s why I wanted to ride today. Hayden said I needed to remember why I started riding in the first place. I guess to see if I still enjoy it the way I used to.”
“And?” he prompts.
“I do. But this isn’t racing.”
“Want to do a fast one?” he asks as we reach the top of the lift and push off the chair. “If you’re not in racing shape, I might just have a chance.”
“What the hell.”
By the end of the day, we’ve done it all. Tree runs, airing off a few drops, even racing. And just for fun, I let Blake win, which makes him grin from ear to ear. Now I have to figure out if I got a bigger kick out of letting him claim the top spot, or claiming it for myself on an actual podium.