Chapter 20
Caleb
“I'm not exactly an expert at this,” I said as I rolled up the dirty diaper and secured it with the Velcro tabs and then grabbed a baby wipe. “I mean, did you know there was a right way to wipe the baby if it's a girl... how do parents know this stuff?”
I knew I was babbling, but I couldn't seem to make myself stop.
“I saw this thing on the internet about cloth diapers being better, but can you imagine the mess?”
“Caleb,” Eli said softly, and I forced myself to look at him.
We were in one of the guestrooms that I figured had probably once belonged to Seth as a child.
There was a full-size bed in it, but also a crib and a changing table, which I suspected were new, since Seth and Ronan's youngest child was too old for those things.
“You're doing great,” my brother said. He shook his head and smiled wide. “You're incredible with her,” he added.
I breathed in a sigh of relief, because I'd needed to hear that. Jace had said the same to me already, but hearing it from Eli was nearly as important to me. Maybe because I felt like I had something to prove to him.
That I wasn't the same young, reckless kid who'd run away when things had gotten too hard .
I got the new diaper on Willa and picked her up. I reached for the bottle Jace had made, but when I saw the way Eli was looking at the baby, an almost hungry expression on his face, I asked, “Do you want to feed her?”
His eyes lifted to mine. “Really?”
I nodded. It was no secret how much my brother loved kids. He was planning to practice pediatric oncology when he finished school.
Eli was sitting cross-legged on the bed, so I reached across it and handed Willa to him, then gave him the bottle. Unlike me, he knew right away what to do and I had no doubt it was because he'd handled many of the babies in the extended family at the weekly family dinner celebrations.
Celebrations I'd often avoided.
I climbed up onto the bed and sat so that I was facing him. He looked so at peace holding the baby.
“You need this in your life, huh?” I asked.
Eli looked at me, then glanced at Willa again. “Mav and I have talked about it, but it makes more sense to wait until I'm finished with school,” he explained, though there was a certain hollowness in his voice as he spoke. “A lot of things made more sense before…”
He didn't need to finish the statement for me to know what he'd been about to say.
Before the trial.
The trial against my father had consumed so much of all our lives, but none more so than Eli and Mav, who'd even ended up putting their wedding plans on hold until after my father was convicted. I’d heard Mav and Eli tell my stepmother that they wanted to start their life together on a positive note, but I had to wonder what would happen now that everything had changed so dramatically.
Would they wait until my father’s second trial was over?
Or until after the one he was likely to face in Virginia for Nick’s death?
Silence descended between us until the only sounds in the room were of Willa eagerly sucking on her bottle.
When she finished, Eli handed the bottle to me, then put her against his shoulder and burped her.
I was about to offer to take her to put her in the crib, but something in Eli’s gaze stopped me.
I’d seen him in the hours after the acquittal and he’d been an absolute mess. And physically, he still looked completely worn out. But the way he was smiling down at the baby made me think that he needed this moment of peace.
Just like I’d needed the peace I’d known I would only find in Jace’s arms.
“I’m sorry, Eli,” I said. “I shouldn’t have just left like that.”
Willa had grabbed onto Eli’s finger, so he let her hold it as her eyes drifted shut. His eyes shifted to me. “Why did you?” he asked.
I dropped my eyes and shook my head. “Desperation, I guess,” I said softly.
“To get away from us?” he asked.
“What?” I said in surprise, lifting my gaze. “No… no, not at all. I just…” I snapped my mouth shut and turned to look out the window. I stared at the view of the water for a minute before I said, “Someone played me a recording of your testimony. I could hear it in your voice.”
I chanced a glance at Eli. He was the one staring out the window now.
“It was like it was happening all over again, wasn’t it?” I asked.
Eli nodded and I saw a tear slip from his eye. He used his shoulder to brush it away. “I thought I’d prepared myself for anything, but between the questions and Jack staring at me the whole time, I was right back there, you know?”
I nodded and dropped my eyes. “It was still just me up until that moment that I heard you talking about it on that tape,” I admitted. “I’d never let myself think about what it was like for you. That’s why I never wanted to talk to you about it. It made it all more real. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” Eli acknowledged. “But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that not talking about it won’t make it go away. It’ll just destroy you from the inside out.”
I managed a nod. “Did Mav tell you? About what I’ve been doing to deal with it? ”
“Yes,” Eli said softly. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. If I’d known…”
“If you’d known, I would have run even sooner,” I admitted.
“It was the only thing making it possible for me to put one foot in front of the other every day.” I began toying with my fingers so that I wouldn’t be tempted to reach for my arm to make sure the scars were still there.
“I have some things I want to tell you, Eli, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. ”
“Caleb…”
He waited until I looked up at him to say, “I’m not going anywhere.”
I felt tears threatening, but I managed to stem them. “Promise?” I whispered.
Eli’s hand covered one of mine. “Promise.”
I wasn’t sure what to say next, but Eli took care of that by saying, “So tell me about Jace.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my mouth at just the mention of the man’s name.
Eli chuckled. “So that’s how it is, huh? Mav owes me fifty bucks.”
“For what?” I asked with a laugh.
“We had a bet going on how long it would take before Jace got his head out of his ass and realized you were it for him. I said it would be by the next time we saw you. Mav thought Jace was going to run again and he’d have to hunt him down and drag him back here and knock some sense into him.”
“Really?” I asked as more tears threatened. Would Mav really have gone that far… for me? “You don’t think I’m too young for him? For anyone?” I asked.
Eli shook his head before I even finished the question.
“You’re not a kid, Caleb. I wish to hell you were a regular nineteen-year-old whose only concern was getting his ass out of bed every morning to make it to class on time and deciding which frat party to go to on Friday night.
I wish you’d had the chance to experience your first kiss, your first time falling in love, fumbling through sex for the first time.
But those things were taken from you. You’ve had to deal with things no adult should ever have to, let alone a little kid.
I have no doubt you were always meant to be with Jace, but I would have given anything to have you guys find each other in some benign way like bumping into each other at a coffee shop.
” Eli eyed me for a moment and added, “Or in your case, in the snack food section of the local grocery store.”
I laughed and wiped at my eyes as some of the heaviness in my chest eased.
“He brings me Sno Balls,” I said with a grin.
Eli smiled. “See, it’s true love.”
We fell silent for a moment before I said, “Eli, he gave me some of those things – the first kiss, the falling in love for the first time… other stuff I probably shouldn’t mention.”
Eli chuckled and softly said, “A lifetime of firsts.” He looked at the engagement ring on his left hand. He must have seen my confusion because he removed the ring and handed it to me. “Turn it over,” he said.
I did and saw that the phrase A Lifetime of Firsts was inscribed in the ring.
“Wow,” I said. I handed it back to him and watched him slide it on.
What would it be like if I wore a ring that Jace gave me?
Was that something he even wanted? He’d talked about us being a family, but there hadn’t been time to get into any details of what the future held.
Hell, I didn’t even know if he was okay with me telling Eli that he and I were together.
What would happen once the threat to me was gone?
Hell, what would happen tonight? Was he even going to stay here at the house?
There was plenty of protection now – I’d seen the men walking the perimeter myself. There was no reason for Jace to stay.
I admonished myself for the bout of insecurity that went through me. Jace had said he wasn’t leaving. I had to believe he wasn’t only staying because he wanted to make sure I was safe.
“Hey,” Eli said gently as he touched my hand. I looked up at him and saw him pointedly look at my arm.
The arm I was currently digging my nails into.
God, what the hell was wrong with me?
“Why won’t it stop?” I whispered.
“What?” Eli asked softly .
“This voice in my head that’s telling me that none of it is real.
That Jace is going to leave me when he realizes I’m not worth it.
That you’re going to hate me when you realize some of the shit that’s going through my head about you, about Dad.
” I looked at my arm. “Why is this the only thing that makes sense to me?”
Eli got up and quickly put Willa in the crib, then came around to my side of the bed and forced me to shift so I was sitting on the edge of the bed.
He did the same and faced me so he could take my hands.
“That stuff in your head, Caleb… it’s your mind’s way of trying to protect yourself from more pain.
If you believe Jace will leave you, it might hurt less when he actually does.
If you prepare yourself for me to hate you, then it won’t matter as much if that’s what happens.
That’s the shit that’s not real,” he said.
“It’s been two years and I’m still figuring out how to ignore that voice in my head that says I deserved what Jack did to me.
I watched the video. I saw him rape me. But I couldn’t stop making excuses that it was somehow my fault.
It’s Jack’s lies that speak the loudest. It’s the lies of the men who used me when I was a kid that try their damndest to still be heard.
I wish I could tell you it will all just stop when Jack goes to jail or you and Jace embark on the next chapter of your lives or” – he looked pointedly at Willa – “you become a parent yourself.” He shook his head.
“But I’m not going to add to the lies. It’s work, Caleb.
It’s such fucking hard work. But that voice will get quieter and, God willing, when it goes silent for the final time, you won’t even realize it at first.”
I nodded and then he was easing me into his arms. “You hear that voice, you come ask me if I’m going to turn my back on you.
You go find Jace and you look at the truth in his eyes when he tells you he’s exactly where he wants to be.
You pick up that little girl and then ask yourself if she’d really be better off without you.
I’ll bet you all the fucking Sno Balls in the world that you won’t ever hear the answer that voice in your head is trying to convince you that you will. ”
I sighed and leaned into him, then wrapped my arms around him. He held me for a long time. When I pulled back, I wiped at my face for what had to be the hundredth time. “Eli,” I said as I held his gaze, “I need to go ask Jace a question.”
He smiled and nodded. “Go, I’ll make sure Willa is settled.”
I got up and started to leave the room, but then turned to look at him. “Eli, don’t put your life on hold for him, okay?” I said softly. “Not even for another minute. He’s not worth it.”
He knew who I was talking about, of course. “Yeah,” he said, his voice sounding strangled. He dashed at his face and said, “Can you send Mav up here? There’s something I need to ask him.” He sent me a wobbly grin.
I nodded and left the room to go find my man.