Chapter Five
CHAPTER FIVE
Zarah
I wake up feeling different. I mean, you can’t have the best sex of your life and not feel different. I trusted him, and he didn’t break that trust. It’s the best feeling in the world to know you can give your heart to a man and he won’t rip it to shreds.
It’s what I did last night, when he asked me to turn over. I submitted. I had no choice because he never did anything but love me, and I owed him that allegiance, that kind of love in return.
It was the best decision I have ever made.
He’s still sleeping, a big mountain of a man in my bed, his face lax. He still looks dangerous, like he could take on a group of thugs even if one of his hands was tied behind his back, and maybe he has. How he can control his strength and not hurt me is something I may never understand but will always be grateful for.
I’m nervous about going to my appointment today. I want him there, but I’m scared he’ll hear something he won’t like and walk out. Knowing I have problems is one thing, hearing about them and having evidence presented to you is something else. The appointments are always just a formality. Dr. Reagan likes to see me, check in, but all he does is ask me how I’m feeling and says he’ll call my pharmacy and submit new prescriptions that have lower dosages. I haven’t seen him since I melted down at Gage’s apartment. It feels like a long time ago, but really, only a few weeks have passed.
I think guiltily to the prescription Jerricka gave me. I took it twice after Gage and I made love without protection. After that, I stopped. If I’m pregnant, I want to keep it, and I want it born healthy. I don’t want my son or daughter to have problems because of me. It’s a question I’ll ask Dr. Reagan today, and the next time I see Jerricka, I’ll tell her I can’t continue the prescription she gave me until I know for sure.
She’ll be frustrated, and I hate that. She hasn’t texted since Truth or Dare posted Gage’s picture all over the internet, but she sees several other patients besides me. I appreciate she trusts me to make decisions about my own healthcare and she knows I’ll contact her to schedule an appointment when I’m ready.
It’s hard wanting to see her when Gage and Zane tell me I shouldn’t. She’s been my lifeline since Zane brought me home from Quiet Meadows, and I trust her, even if she does dish out tough love every now and then. I know I need it. She doesn’t coddle me because of who I am, and that has made a big difference in my recovery.
The huge strides I’ve accomplished are due to her and Dr. Reagan weaning me off Ash’s drugs. I’m almost there, I can feel it.
Lying on my side, I trace Gage’s abs, hard and taut even in sleep, watching to see if it will wake him up. I’ve never had the freedom to explore a man’s body, and it’s not so scary anymore.
I wish Ash would leave me alone. I’ve tried not to think about that maniac cornering me downstairs, and for the most part, I’ve succeeded. Zane and Stella helped a lot. It was nice they brought dinner last night even though they’re supposed to be relaxing and enjoying each other without worrying about anything else. Chills run up and down my spine knowing Ash sent that jerk to deliver a message. Gage will protect me, but even he couldn’t stop someone from blowing up his truck. Ash could try to pay us back for being together anywhere, anytime. I want to talk to him. I think I’m strong enough now to look him in his eyes and ask him to let me be.
Zane never told me where Ash and Clayton are locked up—if they’re still in the state. One night I overheard Zane talking on the phone in the study, and he was able to persuade them to move Nora Guthrie. Her father was afraid someone would kill her, and he didn’t want her in Minnesota anymore. Now she’s in a women’s prison in Maine. She and Ash were working together and she’ll never get out. Zane only did the ex-governor that favor because he gave Zane and Gage information they wanted about Quiet Meadows.
When I’m in LA, I can ask Mel what happened. She’ll tell me everything Zane doesn’t want me to know. He protects me to keep me safe, but knowledge is power, and I want to know every detail.
Gage rolls over and pins me under his arm. For just a brief second, I’m scared. “Good morning,” he murmurs.
Fear is always my default emotion to any sudden movement a man makes around me, and I push it back. I turn my head and our lips meet. “Good morning.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah.” I love he cares so much. Despite the rough way he handled me last night, I’m not sore like I thought I’d be.
“Good. Is there coffee?”
I guide his hand between my legs. I’m wet, always in a constant state of arousal whenever I’m around him.
He gently eases a finger inside me. “This isn’t coffee.”
“You give, then I give.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
We make tender, early morning love, and when we’re done, I’m so high I don’t need coffee. I make some anyway because I love him, and his smile is so sexy as I carry a coffee tray to the bed. My heart tumbles at his feet, and I whisper a promise I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep him for the rest of my life.
No matter how dangerous that promise proved to be, I would do it again a million times over.
Douglas picks us up, and Zane and Stella are already sitting in the back of the SUV, their hands linked, her head resting on his shoulder. They look so much in love it brings tears to my eyes.
My doctor appointments make me weepy in a different way. Without Stella, none of this would be possible. Richard Denton showed her the clip someone filmed of my breakdown at the Lyndhurst, and it would have been easy for her to believe that I needed to be at Quiet Meadows. She’d had no reason to break into my room, but if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have brought me to Zane’s full attention and he never would have rescued me.
Zane hates these appointments. He blames himself that I need them at all, and maybe that’s true, but I can’t spend the rest of my life bitter and resentful. Ash manipulated all of us and hating my brother for what he did would only give Ash more power he doesn’t deserve.
Gage sits next to me, holding my hand. He’s somber—he doesn’t know what to expect. The morning we had unprotected sex is heavy on his mind, and it won’t surprise me if he asks Dr. Reagan all the questions I want to ask about drugs and pregnancy first.
He’ll be a great father, but now isn’t the time for children. I have a lot of issues and maybe there will never be a good time. Gage isn’t the type of man who would have children out of wedlock, and if we can’t get married because I don’t recover enough to reassure him that he’s not taking advantage of my mental state, he wouldn’t want to have babies with me, either.
It saddens me to think I may not be able to give him everything I want, but I won’t break up with him again. I have to believe it when he says I’m enough. He’s never given me evidence to the contrary.
Dr. Reagan is waiting in his office, and after we’re seated and Gage is leaning against the wall near a window, removed, but still a part of the meeting, he turns his attention to me. He wants to know how I’m feeling, how I’ve been doing since my meltdown. His eyes flick to Gage, whose arms are crossed over his chest, a glower of serious concentration on his face, and he asks how our relationship is coming along.
I answer honestly, that Gage and I broke up but we’re back together now, and he nods, not as interested in the intricacies of my personal life as Jerricka is.
“I’m cutting the doses more drastically this time, Miss Maddox. I’m tired of this, and so are you. We’ll wait a bit longer between, since this decrease is steeper than the last, but I don’t see this going on much longer. We’ve been hesitant, more careful than we need to be and it never hurts to err on the side of caution, but by the summer, let’s say you’ll be done with this garbage, shall we?”
Hope blossoms in my heart. “Really?”
His faded blue eyes twinkle behind his wireless glasses. “Yes. You’ve been doing fine. There could be certain stressors that will affect you more than others, but that may just be your nature. We all deal with stress in different ways. You look to be happy and settled, and if you keep going to a therapist, she can help you stay on an emotional track.” He pauses and glances at Zane. “You’re still seeing Dr. Solis?”
Zane frowns. “We’ve talked about—“
“Yes,” I interrupt, glaring at my brother. “I took a short break over the holidays, but I don’t plan to stop seeing her.”
Dr. Reagan chews on the inside of his cheek. “Zane’s been sharing information with you?”
I bristle. “Yes, he has, and I know about her connection to Quiet Meadows, but I like her and I don’t believe she was involved in anything nefarious.” It’s stupid, but I’m proud that I could snatch the word I needed out of my mind.
My doctor sighs, not as impressed as I am. “As long as you’re making choices based on facts and not only emotion. I understand you and she have built a close relationship, but when you started seeing her, we didn’t have the information we have now. I’ll leave the decision to you and your family. Regardless, therapy can be difficult, and I’m pleased with the work you’ve put in.”
“There’s always room for more discussion.” Zane blows out a breath and pats my hand. “This is great news, Z. Let’s go out for lunch and celebrate.”
I hesitate. “I need to ask a couple of questions first.”
“Okay.” Slouching, he settles into his seat.
My heart drops.
Stella, who’s been quiet this whole time, looks at me, then Gage, then Dr. Reagan, and back to me again. “Zane, let’s go down to the car. I think Zarah needs some privacy.”
He scowls. “Why? She can ask anything she wants in front of us. If this is about Jerricka—”
“I think this concerns Gage. Let’s go.” She gathers her jacket and purse and shakes Dr. Reagan’s hand.
My brother doesn’t move.
“Zane,” she says firmly.
Finally, he stands. “It’s none of my business, and Stella and I did our share, of ah,” he says and looks at Dr. Reagan, “ummm...that luckily didn’t turn into anything we weren’t ready for. Be smarter is all I’m saying.”
He and Stella leave the office and close the door, and I wilt in my chair in embarrassment, my cheeks blazing.
Dr. Reagan chuckles. “Babies, huh?”
“We might have gotten carried away one morning,” Gage mumbles, sitting in the seat Zane emptied. “We’re worried the medication Zarah’s on will do something to the baby if she’s pregnant.”
My doctor nods. “I understand your concern, but the human body is resilient, and the umbilical cord acts as a wonderful filter to protect the fetus. I’ve seen healthy babies delivered to alcoholics, drug addicts, patients going through chemotherapy. Of course, the less you can subject your body to, the better. You know that or you wouldn’t have stayed behind to ask. Can I ask when this morning of passion took place?” he asks, a smile on his lips.
“About a week ago.”
“Not long then. Well, let’s not cry over milk that isn’t spilt just yet. You recently had an appointment and were prescribed birth control, am I remembering correctly, Miss Maddox?”
“Yeah. I got the shot.”
“That works rather quickly if administered at the right time in your cycle. Take a pregnancy text in six weeks, and if it’s positive, we’ll work out a plan. That may include cutting off your medication quicker than expected, but that isn’t the end of the world. I’m assuming you would choose your baby’s safety over your own?”
Gage straightens, an objection fast on his lips, but I override him. “Yes.”
“It won’t come to that, let me assure you,” he says, waving a hand at Gage to calm down. “I just wanted to be sure if there are side effects to the decrease she would be willing to accept the risk. Most women are. Contact my office and let me know either way.”
I stand and drape my coat over my arm. Gage is rigid beside me, angry. I don’t know what he was expecting. Drugs and pregnancy never mix well.
“Thank you,” I say and shake his hand. He’s an old worn bear, and he smiles kindly.
“Good luck, young lady.” He looks at Gage. “Don’t beat yourself up. My youngest wasn’t planned. She’s thirty-two now and has her own children. Sometimes we just get carried away.” He winks.
In the hallway, I stop. Gage didn’t laugh or smile at Dr. Reagan’s remarks. “It’s going to be okay. We got good news today.”
“You are not risking yourself for a baby.”
“You weren’t listening. He said things would be fine.” I reach up on my tiptoes and tug his shirt, asking him to lean over, and I kiss him, his beard prickly against my skin. “I love you, and I would never put myself in danger. I’m looking forward to our life together, okay?”
He sighs and rubs his thumb over my bottom lip. “I want you safe.”
“I am. Let’s celebrate. Zane and Stella are waiting downstairs.”
Gage steps forward then stops, his eyes smoky. “You still want this baby?” he asks. His voice is rough, gravelly, and oh my God, so sexy.
“We don’t know if there is a baby, but if there is, yes I want it. He or she is a piece of you. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
“I want to believe that.”
“I do.”
He lets me lead him down the hallway and he hugs me in the elevator, sighing softly. We step onto the sidewalk, and Douglas is waiting to open the door.
I climb into the SUV. Zane studies me and notices my pink cheeks, but he only shakes his head.
At the restaurant, Stella’s excitement is contagious, and we have a champagne toast wishing wonderful things to come our way.