Chapter Four #2
“I’ve been trying to give it to you, but you keep running away. All you have to do is take it.”
“All I do is take.”
She turns and presses her face into my chest.
“Zarah.” I wait until she looks at me. “It’s my greatest pleasure to give. I want to give you love, I want to give you grocery shopping, and snowmen, and children, and a family. I want to be there in whatever way you need. If you take those things from me, I’ll be the happiest man alive, but you have to believe it’s making me happy or none of it matters.”
“But I need to give you something, Gage. One day you’ll get tired of not getting anything back.”
I blow out a breath. I know her well enough to know she needs me to answer her. Something tangible, something she can look forward to after all this is over. I smooth my thumb over her cheek. “You know those cabins on stilts? They’re built in the ocean and have glass floors?”
She frowns. “Yes?”
“I don’t know where they are. Tahiti, or Bora Bora, or Bali, wherever the hell? When your doctor has finished weaning you off those drugs, I want us to go there. I’ve never been out of the United States. We’ll stay in one of those stilted cabins, and we’ll make love on the floor while the fish swim under us.”
She fights a smile. “That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.”
“Okay. You drive a hard bargain. Throw in a bucket of beer.”
“Can Zane and Stella come?”
“That would be perfect.”
She hugs me, wrapping her arms around my waist. There. I gave her something to shoot for, something she knows she can give me. It’s not about the fact that a vacation like that is worth thousands and thousands of dollars I’d never be able to afford on my own, but it’s that she can give it to me and that’s enough.
I pick her up, bringing us face to face. “Do you still feel squishy inside when we’re together?”
“Yes,” she answers breathlessly, clinging to my shoulders. I should have given her a little warning that I was going to sweep her off her feet.
“You know that’s love, don’t you?”
She scrubs her fingers through my beard. “I didn’t then. When we met. I do now.”
“Don’t leave me again unless that feeling is gone. That’s the only time I’ll believe you and the only time I’ll accept it. If you tell me you still have that feeling and try to dump me, I won’t leave, but if you tell me it’s gone, I won’t come back. In the future, choose wisely. I told you a long time ago you are in control and that hasn’t changed. It’s your call, every time.”
“You’ll never leave me.”
I search her eyes, sad, dark pools. “I love you, Zarah. I will never leave you.”
“What if I don’t get better? You said you wouldn’t marry me.”
“I did say that, and one day we’ll have to sit down and talk about what that would mean for us. But that’s a long way down the road. You’re not off that medication yet, and when you are, the whole world may open up. We have no idea what will happen once your doctor completely weans you off that crap.”
“I have another adjustment tomorrow. It was supposed to be before Christmas, but, you know. He put it off, and I’m doing better.”
“Can I be there?” Her appointments aren’t any of my business, but I’d like to hear what he has to say, the amount of time he thinks Zarah still needs to be completely medication-free and I want to ask him if what she’s on is safe for a baby. I haven’t forgotten my...it wasn’t a mistake, not an accident. Maybe deep down I was claiming her in a different way, but I take responsibility for that. It’s the only thing Jerricka said to me that I accept accountability for. I never should have made love to her without protection.
“Do you really want to go?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. My appointment’s at eleven. Zane and Stella always go too,” she mumbles.
“I don’t have to if you’ll be uncomfortable.”
She whispers a kiss across my cheek. “I have to stop being embarrassed. This isn’t my fault. I was trying to keep distance between you and what Ash turned me into and I can’t. Who I am is because of what he did, but if you love me, then there’s nothing to hide.”
I touch my nose to hers. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.”
Leaning her head on my shoulder she says, “You promised me a nap.”
“I did, and God, do I need one.”
I carry her upstairs and set her on her bed. I strip down to my boxers and t-shirt and climb in after her. She doesn’t give me a second and snuggles her body into mine.
“Nothing Jerricka told you is true. I’ve never felt forced to do anything I didn’t want to do. I love you, and I never, ever thought our lovemaking was dirty or a mistake.”
Her breath floats across my skin, and her words settle deep in my gut soothing the burn Jerricka’s accusations caused. “She made me feel like a user, like I shouldn’t be allowed to touch you. It hit me hard because all I ever tried to do is show you how I feel and how making love is supposed to be between two people who love each other.”
“You did. She wanted me to understand I was giving myself to you freely, not for anything in return. I express a lot of fear in my sessions, Gage. Fear about sex, relationships, and being used. She was concerned I was giving you sex in exchange for a commitment, but after breaking up with you, I know that’s not true. I was giving you my body because I wanted to give you more of me, and I was trying to show you how I feel. Nothing else.”
I roll onto my side and nuzzle her mouth with mine. “I’m going to need time to get over what she said. It was a kick in the teeth after trying my best to give you what you needed at a pace that didn’t scare you.”
“I know. That’s my fault.”
“No blame. Maybe some miscommunication. Instead of talking to her, talk to me. You and I should be having those conversations. She doesn’t know how I feel or what I want out of our relationship. If you’re scared about something that concerns me, that concerns us, talk to me, and we’ll work it out.”
“I promise. Thank you.”
“Get some sleep. Everything feels so fucked up when you’re tired. Are you doing okay after what happened last night?”
Wiggling against my chest, she murmurs, “I am now.”
I don’t wake up until Stella’s bouncing on the bed, saying something about payback for Zarah doing it to her and Zane.
I can’t be embarrassed Stella caught me with my pants down. The look of love and utter devotion on Zarah’s face sweeps away any irritation.
We eat a takeout pasta dinner Stella and Zane brought to the penthouse, sitting informally in the kitchen downstairs, and we spend the rest of the night watching a romcom the girls pick out.
Zane takes in Zarah curled up in my lap and he tips his head at me, thanking me, perhaps, for hanging in there.
After the movie, the girls run upstairs to Zarah’s room to look through her closet and decide which clothes she should pack for her trip to LA, and over the last bites of tiramisu and sips of cooling coffee, Zane mutters we have an appointment to talk to Dr. Mallory early next week.
“How did you manage that?”
“I might have mentioned I found something he’s missing.”
“Was that smart? Won’t he run now?” That’s been my experience, whether or not the suspect is guilty. They hide in fear, even if they’re innocent. I can’t imagine what Mallory thought of Zane’s phone call. He could be cowering in my little stilted cabin in Bora Bora right now.
“No. He wants his watch back.”
I shrug. “I guess I would, too.”
“Zarah said you’re going to her appointment tomorrow.” He rolls a bite of tiramisu around in his mouth and then swallows it. “I’ve given up her care once before and I won’t do it again, but I appreciate your interest.”
“I don’t give a shit about your appreciation. If this is going to work, I need to be all in. Stella warned me trust doesn’t come cheap, and I get that, but I’ve done nothing to make anyone doubt my intentions. I stayed away when she told me to, and I come when she calls, every time. That should count for something. Actually, that should count for a helluva lot.” I hate I sound bitter, but...“I’m not going to pay for what the Blacks did to you and your family. That’s a hard pass, no matter how much I love your sister.”
“That’s fair, and I want to prove I do trust you. After Zarah comes back from LA, it would mean a lot if you moved in here. She’s worried about living at the house now that Stella and I are married.”
“No.”
Zane looks up from his dessert plate, his eyes wide. Yeah, I bet people don’t tell him no very often.
“We’re not ready for that. She dumped me to have space. She needs time to learn she can be in a relationship and still be her own person. I won’t crowd her, even if it would keep her safe. I felt like shit leaving this morning but it was a smart move, so thanks for the summons. You have no idea of the tightrope I’m walking on when it comes to her, and if that pisses you off, so be it.”
He rests his arm along the back of the couch and props an ankle on his knee. He’s dressed casually, jeans and a button-down shirt. No tie. More relaxed than I’ve seen him in a while. Marrying Stella must have done him some good. There’s a security in saying vows and signing papers. It hurts thinking Zarah and I may never have that, but it’s part of the tightrope I balance with her, for her, every day.
“Stay here tonight, at least?” he asks.
“I—” I blow out a breath. “Fine.”
I was going to say no, but leaving her alone tonight would be harder than this morning, and there’s nowhere for me to go except a cold and empty apartment. Pop said he’d keep Baby overnight, but I backed out of watching the divorcée and he gave me a hard time. I had to push down a lot of guilt because I said I would keep him company and I hate going against my word.
Zane leans forward, the fight forgotten with my acquiescence. “They let Willow Black go this morning.”
“Yeah?” I scramble to think of what that means.
“Yep. They couldn’t find anything on her, and her attorney gave the DA’s office an ultimatum. Charge her or let her go, and they took off her tracker. They have Clayton and Ash, I guess they figure even if Willow had knowledge of something, they hooked the bigger fish.”
“I wonder what she’s going to do now.”
Zane cocks an eyebrow. “Pick up where she and Rourke left off?”
Remembering Rourke’s description of the way Willow fucks against a wall, something I’m all too clear on now that I’ve had Zarah in the shower, the scenario is all too likely. “I’d prefer not to think about that—for my mother’s sake, at least.”
“Why did your mother and father divorce?”
“She wanted more. More ambition, more money, more...life, I guess. Pop’s happy working cases, staying in King’s Crossing, going out for a beer and watching a game. My mother loves the glamour of being a politician’s wife. There’s no way my father could have given her what she wanted.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’ve had thirty-six years to get used to it.”
The girls trot down the stairs, and our conversation fizzles out. We say goodbye, throwing around kisses and “See you tomorrows,” and it’s a relief to be left alone. Talking to Zane is like swimming with a shark that’s already fed. He’s not going to eat you, but the danger is there simply by being in his presence.
I didn’t anticipate sleeping here and didn’t pack a bag, but Zarah manages to scare up an extra toothbrush and when I’m undressed and sliding with sheer exhaustion into her bed, she runs downstairs and throws my clothes into the washer. “I’ll put them in the dryer later and you can have clean clothes in the morning.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s not a problem.” She pauses. “Thank you for staying here. I know you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, but you’ve made it clear your space is important to you and it is to me, too. If I’m not giving you enough room, you need to tell me. You said you want my love to suffocate you and the concept is nice, but the reality would be stifling.”
She turns the light off and crawls into bed. Her face glows in the hallway light that wavers into her room. Even tired and stressed out, she’s beautiful, and despite all the obstacles she has to contend with, any man would be lucky to have her. It’s humbling she picked me.
Her lips graze my shoulder as she speaks. “I feel like I’m stumbling in the dark, tripping over things I can’t see. No matter how slow I go, I know I’m going to hurt myself.”
It’s the kind of metaphor I don’t think she could have come up with when we first met. Maybe she’s growing into herself faster than she thinks or maybe she’s more comfortable with me and not monitoring her thoughts. If that’s the case, I’m glad. I want her to be able to tell me anything, always.
“Or, you can think of it this way...if you trip, I’ll always be there to catch you. Falling won’t hurt as much as you think it will.”
Pressing her body into mine, she says, “I like that.”
“I like you.”
She laughs, but the giggle ends on a sigh. “You meant it to be funny, but it’s not anything I’ll take for granted. I know I’m not educated, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life—”
“There are millions of people who only have high school diplomas. They work odd jobs because they don’t know what they want, either. You have plenty of time. There’s no rush, but maybe start thinking about this—the sale Zane brokered for Quiet Meadows went through. The building and land are yours.” I leave myself out of it. The last thing I need is to own a sanatorium.
She sits up and one of her nightgown straps falls down her shoulder. Sexy as fuck. “What am I going to do with it?”
“Tear it down and build something new, or go to school and get a degree in health administration and reopen it. The possibilities are endless, Zarah, and you have the resources to do what you like.”
“What will you do?”
“What do you mean?”
“If I reopen Quiet Meadows or choose to help Zane run our company, what will you do?”
I swallow a huge lump in my throat. This could be Pop and my mom all over again. “I like being a PI. I like the work we do. When Pop passes away...I don’t know if I’ll want to work cases without him, but for now I’m happy doing what I’m doing.”
“It’s sexy,” she says, settling back down by my side.
“That’s why I chose it.”
“You’re being funny again.”
“Yep. Go to sleep. I need to go to work after your appointment, but we can spend tomorrow evening together. You need to go to bed early—I don’t want you tired on your flight.”
She opens her mouth, and I hear the objection before she makes a sound.
“I still want you to go. You said Mel misses you.”
“She does, but—”
“Then you should go. You’ll have fun, and Pop and I can use the time. There are plenty of cases we need to work on. Enjoy the freedom you wanted, Zarah. It might be better if you got out of the city for a bit, anyway.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“Pop and I found a couple of leads and we’re going to talk to one or two people about Ingrid. I would feel better if you weren’t in King’s Crossing while we look into her death.” I rub her back, my fingertips tracing the delicate bumps of her spine. She’s so tiny, so fragile, my little girl. I try so hard to keep her safe, and it seems all I do is throw her into more danger.
She peers up at me through her thick lashes. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too, but nothing will be harder than when you told me you didn’t want to see me anymore. It will work out, but you have to trust me.”
“I do.” She rolls onto her back and lifts my hand. “I love your hands. They’re so strong.”
I try to see what she sees, but all I see is ragged fingernails, callouses, and what the winter cold has done to my skin. She flutters kisses over my fingertips, and my dick stiffens. It’s been a few days since we’ve made love, and my cock knows it. Zarah pushes the comforter down and places my hand on her flat belly.
“Touch me,” she says, widening her legs and easing my hand under her panties.
I resist. “I said no sex.”
She cups my cock through my boxers. “You want me just as much as I want you.”
Unwillingly, I push into her hand, craving her more than I’ve wanted any woman in my life. “That doesn’t mean we should have sex. You have a lot of complicated feelings about it, and there’s no way I want to attach myself to any negative ones. I never want you to think I’m in this relationship for sex, and I never, ever want you to get any ideas that I would leave you if you don’t give it to me when I want it. You have the right to say no, and I’ll respect it. Every time.”
She wiggles onto my chest and covers my lips with hers. “Then respect it when I tell you I want you.”
Gently, I ease my fingers past her trimmed hair and slide my middle finger into her. She’s so wet, so tight, and her muscles tug at my finger, wanting more, drawing me deeper inside. “Like this?”
Moaning, she grinds against my hand, increasing the pressure. “Yes. You make me so wet. I want you all the time. I feel so safe when I’m with you, and I know you’ll never hurt me.”
She moves the waistband of boxers down and holds my cock, skin to skin. I groan and nudge her onto her back, capturing her mouth so forcefully I know I’m bruising her lips. I can’t help it, and I don’t stop, finger fucking her as she lifts her hips. My thumb finds her clit, and the nub quivers under my touch. She’s already close to coming.
She pumps my cock in her tiny fist, and her fingertips swirl the cum that’s already leaking out of the tip. She said she’s obsessed, possessed, but no less than I am. I constantly hunger for her, the need to devour her warring relentlessly with her wishes to keep my distance. The tightrope is there, and underneath, there’s no safety net, only a pit of lava threatening to burn me alive.
Suddenly, she pulls away, and I suck in a breath. I was about to come, blow all over her hands and my stomach. She shimmies out of her panties and shoves my boxers down farther. My cock springs free, my balls heavy.
I need her so fucking much.
“I don’t have a condom. We can’t do that again.” I want to, though. The feel of her pussy with nothing between us threatens to drive me insane. Shooting my load into her, claiming her as she looks into my eyes, consumes me on a level I’ve never felt for another woman before. Not even Viv.
“I have some. In my nightstand.”
“Are you sure?”
“Am I sure I have them?” she teases, leaning over and opening the little drawer.
I tickle her, delighted we can have fun. “I mean, are you sure you want to do this?”
“Ah!” Laughing, she bats at my hands and sits up. “Stop it.” She pulls a shiny foil packet out of the drawer. “I’m sure.” She pauses, and framing my face in her hands, licks at my lips. The mood changes from playful to, I don’t want to say serious, but her mischievousness falls away, and there’s only love, faith, and a hint of sadness in her eyes. “I love you, Gage. More than I can ever tell you. And I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”
“Sweetheart, I love you just how you are, or I wouldn’t be here. Remember that, whenever you have doubts. I’m here because I want to be.” I slide her nightgown off her body. Her breasts are perky and high, her nipples a beautiful pink taupe. They’re hard, pointed in desire, and I rub my thumb over one as she shudders.
“There’s nothing better than you touching me,” she says.
“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.”
I stand and kick my boxers across the floor, and she scoots to the edge of the bed and holds my cock in her hands. Pressing her lips against my shaft, she breathes in. “I love how you smell. Your skin, the scent of your semen. All of it.” Her tongue flicks out and catches a drop of pre-cum beading at the tip. Cupping my balls, she licks my cock, and it’s all I can do not to explode all over her face.
I focus on what she’s doing. Not that way, but that she can put my cock in her mouth. When we first met, she could barely touch me without it scaring her. Now she can enjoy it, knowing I would never use sex as a weapon to hurt her. Her trust brings tears to my eyes. We haven’t been together that long, but already she’ll put her life in my hands.
“Zarah,” I rasp.
“Yeah?” She looks at me, her big brown eyes glowing, and I get lost.
“Let me love you.”
“Okay.” She rips the condom packet open, and carefully, her touch feather-light, she rolls the latex over my erection. She tosses the wrapper onto the nightstand and lies back.
This beautiful creature is mine, and she says she loves me. I don’t know how I got to be so lucky. I’m still a moment too long, and she reaches out to me.
“Come here, Gage, and make love to me.”
I nestle my hips between her legs and gently push inside her. She sighs, her body relaxing into the mattress.
Wrapping her arms around my neck, she whispers into my ear, “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too, baby.”
With a hand under her ass, I claim the last inch, and she moans. She’s tight and so wet, I barely feel the condom on my cock. Languidly, I move in and out, sucking on one of her nipples as she arches her back, wanting more.
I completely pull out of her, and she whimpers.
“Turn over for me.” I know what I’m asking her, and a brief hint of fear shoots through her eyes. This isn’t a test, not really, and you might say I’m wanting her to go too fast. Maybe I am putting her trust to the test, but I’m also tired of having anything between us in bed. I’m not one of her jobs, and she knows that by now.
She sits up and licks her lips. “Will you touch...my butt?” She blushes and I think it’s adorable, but I’m also surprised. That’s the last thing I thought she would want.
“You mean . . . ?”
“Not butt sex, but will you touch me? Stella says she likes it, and I’ve never...”
“Your jobs never—” God, how do I put this delicately?— “took you there?” My mouth dries. The idea a man would force his cock into a place that needs sensitivity, patience, and control—her jobs would never do that.
“No. I’ve never been touched there, in any way, and I want to know how it feels.”
I haven’t had anal sex often, and though most men seem to like it, I don’t think it lived up to all the hype. Maybe I’m in the minority. Viv never liked anal, and I was okay forgoing it. Sometimes I would finger her while we messed around, but I never considered Zarah would want to experiment.
When I don’t say anything, she says, “I trust you, Gage.”
I brush a kiss over her lips. “Turn over.”
She twists and kneels. “You have to tell me what to do.”
Pushing on her back between her shoulder blades, I say, “Relax. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Okay,” she says, hugging a pillow to her.
She’s still wet, dripping, and I push two fingers into her, coating them. Slowly, I pull them out and slide my fingers toward the fragile pucker of her ass, slicking her skin. I reach that second opening and she tenses, but I don’t apply pressure, not yet. I move my fingers back down and push into her. She nudges backward, instinctively wanting more.
This time, when I pull my fingers out, I wet her sweet ass and push my finger into her just a little. Her breath hitches, and my cock throbs. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Do more.”
The pillow muffles her voice, but I know what she said. I wet my finger again, circle the tight spot, and push in up to my knuckle. “Do you like this?”
“Yes.”
“I want to be inside you, too,” I say, positioning the tip of my cock against her slit.
“Okay.”
In this position I can slide in easily, deeply, and she squeaks. I tense and withdraw.
“No, don’t. It feels good.”
“Am I hurting you?”
“A little, but it’s good.”
“Okay, but it’s important that you tell me if I go too far.”
“I will.”
In one smooth stroke, I glide all the way in, burying my cock to the hilt. I pull my finger out of her ass, then push it back in, filling her up. She moans.
“Do you like that, Zarah?” I ask to be sure.
“More.”
With my other hand, I find her engorged clit. I’ve never felt her so big, and it turns me on I make her feel this way. Slowly, gently, my finger fucks her ass and I rub her clit at the same time.
“Gage,” she cries, pushing backward against my hand, needing more.
“I know, baby. I’ve got you. Let go.”
Furiously, I rub her clit, and I bury my finger deep into her ass. She comes, her muscles clutching at my cock, and her cum gushes around my dick. I barely have the control to let her ride out her orgasm before I pull my finger out of her ass, grip her hips, and ram into her as hard as I can, my sac slapping against her skin.
It feels like it’s been forever since Zarah and I made love, and I come harder than I think I ever have in my life. I roar, my fingers clawing into her damp skin. My muscles strain, my legs shake as my knees dig into the mattress, and my cock pumps cum into the rubber that protects her. Thank God she had condoms on hand.
My heart needs several long minutes to stop pounding. “Jesus.” Sweat trickles down my neck and back.
Zarah peeks at me, her beautiful ass still high in the air, my fingers still sinking into her soft, coppery skin. “Was it good for you?”
“I’ve never had better, and that is the honest to goodness truth. Fuck.” I blow out a breath, and so slowly, pull my cock out of her. “I went at you pretty hard. Are you okay?”
“Yes, but I’ll be sore later, I think.”
“I’m sorry. I hope it doesn’t give you an anxiety attack.”
She sits up and brushes her hand over my shoulder. “This was different than what Ash’s jobs would do to me. Thank you. Maybe one day I won’t even think about the stuff they made me do.”
“I want that too.” I kiss her, and her lips tremble under mine. “Let me clean up.”
“Okay. I need to, too. The wet spots on the sheets are always my fault.” She laughs, sliding out of bed.
The air is heavy with the scent of sex and something else I can’t describe. Love would be too simple. Joy, happiness? Relief that Zarah and I could share that new experience and come out the other side without it hurting her, or us? Maybe all that rolled into one.
I stand behind her in the bathroom and hold her breasts in my palms. I love looking at her, and she meets my eyes in the mirror above the sinks. My tats stand out under the clean white light, and I knead her tender and heavy breasts, my muscles rippling. The pads of my thumbs tease her sensitive nipples. Her eyes darken, and her eyelids droop.
“You want more?” I whisper.
She rests her head against my chest. “Always. I always want whatever you want to give me.”
“Look at me.”
I slide my hand from her breast, over her collarbone, and encircle her throat. “Do you remember the picture at the gallery? The one you bought? This is what they felt when the photographer took their picture. This is the passion they felt for each other, the trust.” I squeeze, just a little, and she stares at me, her pupils dilating. “She knew he would never hurt her, just like you know I will never use my strength to hurt you.” Her neck is so slender my middle finger and thumb almost meet under her hair.
She swallows.
“I love you, Zarah.”
Placing her hand over mine, she says, “I love you, too.”
I release her, lift her up, and sit her on the vanity. I lower to my knees, spread her legs, and I eat her out, my tongue lapping at her, Jerricka’s filthy words a glimmer in the back of my mind.
Zarah shatters, and like I promised, I catch her as she falls.