Chapter Nineteen
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Zarah
I thought I’d be nervous, but there is too much of my mother in me to waste precious seconds being scared to talk to people. I’m going to stake my claim, tell everyone what my plans are. I hope Gage is watching. After my speech, I need to find him. If he doesn’t like what I have to say, then I’ll know he can’t accept what I want to do with my life.
This is my way of giving him a warning. He can think of a way out and let me down easy. I remember every second of our relationship. I also remember his fears were the same as mine. Can we have what we had now that everything is over? I can’t pretend I’m the same person I was under the influence of those drugs, but I’m not that different, either.
Everyone quiets as I adjust the microphone. I’ve written an outline of what I want to say. These are my words. No one helped me.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m not here to rehash what has happened to me and my family during the past seven and a half years. Everyone knows what the Blacks did to us, and as Senator Cook’s case is ongoing, I’m not at liberty to divulge many, if any, details, but I can talk to you about what my plans are going forward. I will not let Ashton Black control my life any longer. What he did to me has wasted too much time as it is, and I’m eager to put the past behind me and contribute to the legacy my parents left for my brother and me.
“I haven’t gone to school. I took two gap years before Ashton Black kidnapped Stella and caused my mental breakdown. Since then, all I’ve tried to do is live one day at a time, hoping someday I could have a normal life. Because of the antidote created alongside the Alzheimer’s drug, my memories have been returned to me and that someday is finally within my grasp. No one can tell you better than I that life is precious, time is precious, and you must make the most of it.
“Some of you may have heard that my brother purchased Quiet Meadows intending to tear the building down. That building was a source of pain for many people, and Maddox Industries is creating a foundation to assist those who need mental health resources in honor of the women Senator Cook had murdered to protect his secret: JodiAnne Connelly, Savannah Mesa, Marci Greyson, and Stacy Birmingham. The medical examiner who performed the autopsies is under investigation, and if he has committed any crimes, I will ensure he is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. As far as the facility, I’ve decided to keep it intact, and I personally will see that it be reopened and provides the care for which it was intended.”
A murmur floats through the crowd of reporters and I look down at my index card, hiding a small smile. Before all this happened, I was only a young girl without a plan, and after my breakdown, I was a girl without a working brain. I would imagine it’s quite a shock to hear me speak.
“But that isn’t my chosen path. The legacy my mother and father left behind is important to me, and I’ve done nothing to help my brother see to its survival. Therefore, I plan to earn a degree and step into my rightful place in the company by his side. My mother helped my father in all ways, and I too, will assist my brother in any way that he needs.”
I pause. “I have a moment for questions, and then I have an appointment I can’t miss.”
“Is it a doctor’s appointment, Miss Maddox?” a reporter calls out.
Scowling good-naturedly, I say, “No. I’ve had enough of those.”
He grins.
“What about Stella? Where does she fit into all this now that she’s married to your brother?” an older reporter shouts.
“Besides standing by his side as his supportive wife and being a valuable member of my family?” I ask, tilting my head and smiling, though I am not amused. Mom taught me to stay on the media’s good side, and as Maddox Industry’s eventual PR director, I am now laying that foundation.
He chuckles. “Besides that.”
I let the facade fall away and lean forward against the podium. The crowd quiets. They know what I’m going to say is of the utmost importance.
The question annoyed me, and my irritation escapes. “Stella is my sister. She sacrificed herself to save Zane and me from Clayton and Ashton Black. She lived through five years of hell while Ash kept her locked away. You turned on her, calling her a tramp and a gold digger, believing the lies Ash planted, believing the pictures he posted online.”
Lots of red faces.
“Yet, yet , she did everything in her power to make Zane see, to make him understand what the Blacks had done to our family, and one day, while Ash hunted her down, she and my father’s business partner broke into Quiet Meadows. She came for me, and from that day on, I have owed her my life. It didn’t matter how much danger she was in, it didn’t matter she put herself at risk to save me. She didn’t let that stop her, and I’m standing here today because of her bravery. She’s a Maddox, in heart, in spirit, just as much as I...am.”
My skin prickles. I’ll always be a Maddox, but one day, will I claim a different name? I want to, so terribly, I want to.
“I’m sorry. I don’t have time for any more questions.”
I step away from the podium, rush down the short set of stairs, and cut through the rear of the building.
To distract the press, his voice echoing over the lobby, Zane offers to answer more questions, Stella by his side. The reporters are delighted to have their attention, and no one tries to stop me as I leave.
Douglas is waiting behind the building, and he hugs me to him. “It’s good to see you, Miss Maddox.”
“It’s good to see you, too. I remember everything you’ve done for us. Thank you.”
“Your parents were good people, and it’s been an honor to work for you and Mr. and Mrs. Maddox.”
He doesn’t mean my mom and dad. I kiss his cheek, and he blushes. “You’re one of Stella’s favorite people.”
“And she is one of mine.”
He holds the door open and I slide into the back of the town car.
“Where are you going, Miss Maddox?”
“To Gage’s.”
“Yes, miss.”
As Douglas drives across the city, I try not to be sick. I don’t know what Gage is going to think of me. I don’t know what he’s going to think of my speech. I check my purse and the envelopes are right where I put them after Peggy gave them to me.
He asked me for only one thing, and I don’t plan on letting him down.
We drive through downtown to reach the industrial park where Gage lives, and I appreciate the city in a different way. Jerricka’s office building is no longer a source of twisted comfort. Willow’s apartment is empty now, and we have plans to reconnect after things settle down. I never believed she was a part of anything her husband and son did. In fact, she was in a similar position to mine. Rourke wanted her, and no one stopped him from having her. Maybe she went willingly so things would be easier, maybe she didn’t, but that’s not for me to know.
The Renegade sparkles in the sun, and as Douglas crosses the bridge, driving closer to Gage’s apartment building, my heart slams in my chest.
I try to tell myself that if he turns me away I’ll be okay, but if I ever am, I’ll need years to learn to live without him. Gage rescued me, in every way a man can rescue a woman...my heart, my mind, my body. He taught me what love is and how it should feel. No man will ever be able to fill the hole Gage will leave behind if he tells me we’re not meant to be together.
Douglas stops in front of Gage’s building. The scorched exterior and the boarded-up wall and roof aren’t a surprise, and the fire is something I have to apologize for. It was because of my slip-up they tried to go after Gage. I never would have been able to forgive myself if he had gotten hurt or truly killed because of me.
I step inside the building and walk past the corner where I had my breakdown, and I remember the fear swamping me. I remember not knowing his name. I remember looking into his eyes, not knowing his name, but at the same time loving him so desperately I couldn’t let go. Those two weeks away from him were the longest of my life.
Not this time.
These past several days we’ve been apart I’ve been working toward our future.
Nothing is going to come between us ever again.
Unless that something is me.
Then there’s nothing I can do.
I knock and the doorknob turns easily in my hand. I push the door open, and in a burst of grey and white fur, Baby sends me onto my butt. I laugh and bury my face in her neck. Rourke was going to shoot Gage and she stopped him. I know every detail of what happened the day Special Agent Banks, Zane, Stella, and Gage found me at Jerricka’s lake house. Stella told me over and over again while we stayed at the bed and breakfast. I owe Baby just as much as I owe Gage.
Whenever I was afraid and wanted to hide, I would get down on the floor and hug Baby, find comfort in her soft fur and affectionate nature. Today, I don’t need to hide, and there’s nothing to be scared of here. I press a kiss to her nose and stand up off the damp floor.
Gage is sitting on his coffee table taping a box closed.
“Hi,” I say, meeting his warm hazel eyes.
I devour the planes of his face, his thick hair. He’s wearing one of the flannel shirts I’ve missed so much, his sleeves rolled up and his tattoos black against his skin.
“Hey. You look good, Zarah.”
“Thanks.”
He didn’t tell me to get out, and that’s a start. I walk around his apartment, trailing my fingers over the things that are so familiar to me. His bookshelf is empty, and the couch is drenched. I’ve spent a lot of time here, in this little space that will always feel like home. He made love to me in his bedroom, cooked me dinner in his kitchen. I gave him my first consensual blowjob at the kitchen table I bought for him that right now is covered in this and that he has yet to pack away.
“How have you been?” I ask, leaning against the table, my ankles crossed, pretending to be casual.
“I’ve been...okay. Mom’s devastated, of course, but not because she loved Rourke. I think she was more hurt Stephen Mallory was a part of what they did to you, even if he decided he didn’t want to be involved anymore. By then, it was too little, too late.” He pauses. “I, ah, went to see Viv. We’re talking again.”
“Your ex-girlfriend.” I don’t have to ask. I remember who she is, and what she did to Gage.
“Yeah. She isn’t doing so well, and I promised I’d help her go to school and pay some of her bills.”
The Zarah he used to know would have cried and run away out of insecurity, but I hold my ground. “Are you back together?”
“No. I said I would help her because I felt sorry for her. She has a little girl. She’s not mine, but if I can help her mom give her a better childhood, then I think it’s something I should do.” He’s tense, waiting for my reaction.
His kindness is one of the many reasons I love him so much, and I would never resent him helping someone who needs it. “It’s nice. She’s lucky to have you.”
“Is she?” He rakes his fingers through his hair.
I’m glad he’s nervous. I didn’t want to be the only one scared of what’s coming.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “She is.”
He gets off the coffee table and rubs his palms against his jeans. Is it terrible that I want his hands on me? It’s been weeks since we’ve made love, and I want him. I want his body curled around mine, panting my name as he comes. I want to feel the sweat slick down his skin, his strong muscles holding me in place while he loves me like he’ll never have another night.
Just because I remember every second of my life, that doesn’t mean my fear of intimacy is gone. I’ll never stop being afraid of the kind of violence I’ve experienced, but this is Gage. I know him, and he loves me.
He clears his throat and steps toward me. “I watched your speech. You sounded good. You feel good?”
I tell him the truth. “Not really.”
Frowning, he takes another step. “What’s wrong?”
I close the space between us and reach for his hand. “I hurt. Right here.” I press his palm against my blouse where my heart is. “I have all my memories back, but there’s still something missing.”
He swallows hard. “What?”
“You. You, Gage. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the way you kiss me, the way holding me in your arms would always be enough. The way you defend me against anything and everything. The way you push me to be a better person. You’re tenacious about finding out the truth and you don’t let anyone hurt you or your family. I used to be your family. I know I’ve changed a little, but I’m still the same person I was when we met. Maybe not so scared, maybe not so confused. But I love you the same way I did before. Our walks in the woods, staying up all night talking. Making love. Life...isn’t going to be simple. There are things I need to do, things I want to do. For seven years I’ve done nothing but try to find my way. I can now, but I need you with me. If you still want to be there.”
He picks me up and cradles me to his chest. “You used to think this was romantic.”
I drop my purse onto the floor and eagerly scrub my fingers through the thick whiskers covering his jaw. “I still do. Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you.”
Chuckling, he lowers his head, and leaning up, I meet him halfway. His beard tickles my skin, and his lips are soft and warm. I wrap my arms around his neck and lick at him, asking him to let me in. He still has a flavor that’s all Gage, and our mouths fit together perfectly.
I think everything is going to be all right until he pulls away and says, “We need to talk.”