Chapter Three #3
He rubs his thumb over my cheek. “I don’t know. Before, I would have said no, but now, I don’t know. I want us to work, I really do, but when it comes right down to it, our differences might not let us.”
“Zane and Stella made it.”
Gage smiles and cups my face with his warm, strong hands. “Yeah, they did. Kiss me.”
I swallow. “Have you been with her? That way?”
“No. There’s no one between us. Not Sierra, not my ex-girlfriend, not Ash, not any of the assholes who bought you, not that whack job tonight. It’s just you and me, and if you can’t see that, if you don’t believe it deep down in here—” he says, pressing his hand over my heart— “then we won’t make it, no matter how hard we try. It’s just us, here and now. Believe it, Zarah, and kiss me.”
“I’m dirty.” The words slip out. My hesitation and fear are going going ruin this second chance. He’s offering me a future, and I’m still afraid to take it.
“Baby, if I thought that, I wouldn’t be here. Kiss me .”
I search his eyes, one last time, but there isn’t anything in them but desire and love and maybe just a little fear because if I tell him to go, he’ll have no choice but to do what I ask.
Forking my fingers through his hair, I tentatively press my lips to his, and he tightens his hold on me, opening his mouth. Our tongues tangle and he moans, our teeth gnashing together as I desperately ravage him, missing him after these few days apart.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble against his lips. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you. To us.”
“Don’t be. There’s nothing to be sorry for. You were doing what you thought was right. We’ll work it out. I promise.”
He kisses along my jaw, and what that creep did to me flares in my mind. I lean away. “He licked me. He put his hands on me. I don’t want you touching me where he did.”
Letting me go, he stills, waiting for my cue. He’s going to treat me with kid gloves, and for a little while, a very short while, we were past that. We were past him asking for permission to do the smallest thing, and now we’re back to it. I love him for thinking about my needs, but I hate we’re in this position to begin with.
“Let’s take a bath. Do you want to? I need to wash him off me.”
He laughs. “I’m too big for a bathtub, let alone two of us.”
“Maybe a regular tub, but not mine.”
Tugging on his hand, I lead him into my en suite bathroom where I have a huge Jacuzzi hot tub, and his eyes widen. “I like taking baths. My dad installed it when I turned sixteen, for my birthday.”
“That looks great.”
“I’ll run the water and go down to the kitchen and grab us something to drink. My doctor gave me the okay to have a little wine sometimes. Do you want a beer? We have some leftover from the night you and Linc were here.”
“Sounds good, but Zarah—”
“I know we need to talk more, but I need to clean up and change my clothes. He had his hands on me, and I need to wash his touch off my skin.”
I add a cup of bath salts to the hot, running water, the kind that ease your muscles after a long day. I turn around and Gage is standing there, watching me, tension pulling at the corners of his eyes.
“Did he hurt you? Do you need to go to the ER? Do you need to,” he grits his teeth and forces the words out, “call Jerricka and have her talk you through this?”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I rest my cheek against his chest. The steam is already starting to billow into the air, fogging the mirror above the sinks. “No, he didn’t get that far. He would have, it would only have taken him a few more seconds, but you saved me.”
He blows out a breath and rests his forehead against mine, though he has to lean down to do it. “Okay, but if you need me to drive you anywhere, tell me.”
“You’re here. That’s all I need. I’ll be right back.”
Quickly—I don’t want to miss a single second of being with him—I trot down to the kitchen and pour a couple inches of red wine into a wineglass. I’ve never bathed with a man before, and I don’t want to ask if he’s shared a bath with another woman. He’s had so many more experiences than I have and I need to stop comparing his life experience with my lack of it and enjoy us being together. He’s patient and kind, and has never, ever, exhibited any annoyance or frustration showing me new things—in and out of bed.
I grab a beer out of the fridge and pop the cap off. I know he’ll drink it out of the bottle, and not bothering to find a pilsner glass, I rush upstairs as fast as I can. Not because I think the tub will overflow, but because I want to see for myself Gage isn’t a figment of my imagination.
He’s there, leaning against the set of sinks, his arms crossed over his broad chest, looking so out of place in my pink and cream bathroom I want to laugh. I don’t let it escape—it will turn into some hideous, hysterical thing. My nerves are taut, and I’m near my breaking point.
“You don’t want to bathe?” I ask, disappointed. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe all he wants is to go to bed.
“I was waiting for you, that’s all.”
“Oh. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know the etiquette.” I offer him the beer bottle.
“I haven’t either. Thanks.” He takes a swig and sets it on the edge of the tub. “Can I?”
“What?” I ask, my heart in my throat. Maybe I need the gentle way he treats me more than I think I do.
“Can I undress you?”
I sigh. “Oh, yeah. You’ve never bathed with a woman before?”
“Never had a tub big enough.”
“Really?” My lips quirk. I don’t believe him.
“You think I’ve got a hundred notches on my belt, but I’m choosy. Before we met, I didn’t fall into bed with just anyone. Remember, I was in a long-term relationship. I thought we were going to get married, and I needed time to get over her. I didn’t sleep around before you and I met, I didn’t when we were broken up, and I won’t if we don’t work out. I’m not that kind of person.” He pulls my tank top over my head and my nipples harden. “You’re so beautiful, Zarah. It’s no wonder why you’re confused about us.” Kneeling, he slides my silk bottoms down my legs. I’m wearing a demure pair of cream lace panties that match my pajamas.
“What do you mean?”
He looks up at me, his fingers tugging on the waistband of my panties. “Because you keep saying you’re not good enough for me, but it’s the other way around. I’ll never be in your league, and one day you’re going to realize that.”
“No. Gage, no. That’s not true at all.”
“I hope it’s not.” He tugs my panties over my thighs, and I step out of the puddle of silk my pajama bottoms make. He’s at the same level as my private area, and I’m uncomfortable, goosebumps covering my skin. I’ve still been trimming, and I look nice down there, but that guy had his hands down my pants and I don’t want Gage to touch me until I wash. It’s a silly thing. He already said he didn’t care, but it’s what I did every night Ash sold me. I would scrub my skin until I bled, trying to scour their stench off me. It never worked, but I have a feeling this time, it will.
“It’s my turn,” I say, nudging him to his feet, hoping he can’t tell how nervous I am. Maybe not nervous, but I have that anticipation. Will he want to make love after our bath? Do I want him to? I don’t know. It feels like there’s so much riding on tonight, and if I mess up, he’ll never want to see me again.
That’s my fault. I need to fix it, but only time can do that.
I unbutton his flannel shirt. As usual, he’s wearing a t-shirt under it, and he takes it off without me asking him to. I’m too short to do much but pull the hem from his pants.
His jeans are next, and I unbutton them and pull the zipper down. I tug the thick material down his muscular thighs, and he kicks them aside. He yanks his own socks off, and I make fast work of his boxer briefs. We’re both standing completely naked in my bathroom, but the lights are too bright for a romantic bath. I dim them and turn the faucet off.
The water is the perfect temperature, and I set my wineglass on the edge of the tub next to his beer. “Ready?”
“After you.” Holding my hand, he helps me into the tub and then steps in after me. He sinks into the water, leans his back against the slanted wall, and cuddles me to him. A washcloth lays folded on the side, and he wets it and starts to rub the cloth over my shoulder and down my arm.
His body relaxes, and I lean into him, releasing my stress.
“I could get used to this,” he says, moaning, snaking his arm across my belly, gripping me to him. His legs cradle mine, and I rest my head on his shoulder.
“Sometimes money has its uses.”
“You could say that.”
I prop one of my feet on the lip of the tub and Gage murmurs against my temple, “I love your toes. They’re so little and cute.”
Turning slightly to press my lips against his neck, I say, “I didn’t realize you had a foot fetish.”
“I adore every part of you.”
His words are so sweet, and I try not to cry.
In silence, we lie like this for a little while, the water gently lapping at the sides of the tub, his heartbeat steady under my ear, his solid presence erasing the last dregs of my anxiety. I twist completely and face him, and I pour a dollop of my bodywash onto the washcloth. I begin to wash him, bubbles coating his pecs and biceps. It will always amaze me how strong he is. Physically and emotionally.
“What did Zane say after I ran upstairs? I’m sorry I left you to deal with it.” I shouldn’t have let Gage face my brother’s temper alone. Hopefully, Stella reined him in before things got too bad. I know how my brother can be if he feels something is his fault, and when he’s like that, the only person he’ll listen to is Stella.
“He asked me about Sierra, and I told him the truth. That Truth or Dare caught me giving her a ride. She asked me out, and at first I said yes, but I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t use her that way, even as a distraction because we’re friends. Her car had a flat tire, and I was giving her a lift to a friend’s place. They were going to walk to a club from there.”
“Oh.” I pause. “I saw the picture, too. How did you get here so fast?”
“I was at the Sweet Apple, sitting at the bar, alone.” He tangles his fingers in my hair. “You don’t get it, how much I love you. When you broke up with me, I missed you . I was there because it reminded me of our first date.”
“Gage,” I murmur, touched he would do something like that, just because it reminded him of me.
“I’m not going to apologize for being a sentimental sap, and it might have saved your life. I had to call Zane—I had no idea where you were. I heard you scream and I wasn’t there to protect you... fuck.” He closes his eyes. “I should have let Baby go after him, but if I would have, there wouldn’t have been anything left. I have questions for that son of a bitch. He said Black sent him to fuck with you. I wonder how true that is, or if he was just saying bullshit to sound cool.”
“It seems like something Ash would do to torment me, but I can’t figure out why he cares.”
“Max thought he loved you, in some sick, twisted way. Maybe he’s right. But not love. You’re an obsession. A possession. Maybe even from prison he’ll never leave you alone.”
“I don’t know. How would we find out?”
“I’ve been thinking about that, and I have an idea. It’s something we can talk about, but not right now.” He hugs me to him. “I’m too worn out to think about anything else tonight. My adrenaline’s crashing.”
“I need to wash my hair.” I lean back and dip my head into the water. I thought I’d be more self-conscious naked in front of him, but maybe we’ve been through enough together I’m starting to lose some of my inhibitions. I start to lather in the shampoo, but Gage says, “Let me.”
I turn around, and he massages my scalp, the bubbles padding the circular motion. My head hurts where that asshole yanked at my hair, but the pain disappears under Gage’s tender touch. He rinses the shampoo out, and while I’m slicking conditioner through my hair, he washes his.
We’ve been in the tub for over an hour, but we still have so much to talk about and it drags me down. Gage can see the exhaustion on my face, and it’s mirrored on his. “Let’s get out,” he says.
I quickly rinse my hair and stand, letting the water run down my body. I love the way Gage stares, like he wants to eat me up. I want him to, but we’re treading on delicate territory and it’s my fault. Stella said I’d need to repair the damage I caused, and I’ll do whatever I have to do, work as hard as I have to. I want to be where we were before. When he’ll touch me without asking for permission first. To grab me, in play, laughing, without worrying if he’ll scare me. I ruined that.
The towels are huge and fluffy, and in my room, I dry off and rub the water out of my hair. I dress in a nightgown and panties, and I feel so much better now that I’m clean. I feel almost normal, and that’s a big deal for me.
Gage dries off, too, and tosses his towel into the hamper in the bathroom. He scoops his boxer briefs and jeans off the floor.
My heart sinks. I assumed he’d spend the night. “Are you leaving?”
His brief’s waistband snaps against his skin. “Do you want me to stay?”
“If you want to.” Trying to steady my hands, I brush my hair. I don’t want him to see how nervous and disheartened I am.
“I’d like to, but Baby needs to go out once more and she’ll need something to eat and a bowl of water.”
“I can order her some kibble, but it’s up to you, if you think it’s easier to go home.” I turn away and concentrate on my hair. “You don’t have to worry about leaving me here alone. I can handle it, and security will have this place locked up. You said Zane made sure of it before he left.” I’m babbling, scared he’s going to leave when I really want him to stay.
“Zarah.”
“Yeah?”
He puts on his jeans and t-shirt, his hair damp. He looks so good.
“If you want me to stay, I will, but you have to tell me what you want or I won’t know.”
He’s reminding me to use my words and I ask, “Will you spend the night with me? Please?”
“I would love to.” He kisses me, long and deep, and I need all of my willpower not to collapse in his arms. “I’ll be right back. Can you call security and tell them to let me back up, tell them you want me to stay with you tonight?”
“I’ll do that and order Baby some food and a grass potty mat. It’s a long way downstairs and it will be easier on her if she has somewhere to go up here. What brand of dog food does she like to eat?”
“You can do all that?”
I laugh, enjoying the frown on his face. I’ve spent more time in his world than he has in mine. “Money can buy more than just big bathtubs. Leave it to me.”
After Gage lets Baby out and feeds her the kibble I asked Douglas to pick up at the twenty-four hour pet store, it’s close to two in the morning. I’m tired, but I’m too keyed up to sleep. Gage and I lie on the couch in front of the fireplace, the fake flame the only light in the entire penthouse. We’re wrapped in a throw, and it’s so cozy, I want to stay like this forever.
Reality will rear its ugly head sooner rather than later, and I need to start working, actively working, on getting better. I don’t want things like this to keep happening. Things like me breaking up with Gage, things like me messing up the best parts of my life.
He nuzzles the top of my head, and I wiggle closer, tucking myself as tightly as I can against his chest.
“Did Zane tell you about Ingrid?” he asks.
“Yes.” Nothing has been on my mind except Gage. I feel bad about that now, and I try not to cry.
“Then you know she’s dead.”
My voice wobbles. “Someone killed her.”
“Yeah. She was murdered, in an old warehouse near the Renegade. Pop and I went to check it out. It was gruesome, how she died, and maybe that whack job had something to do with it, I don’t know. We tell you not to go anywhere alone, and you need to start listening now. Zane doesn’t want you upset, but we’re past that. Your safety’s at stake.”
I press my face into his t-shirt. “It’s my fault she’s dead.”
“No, it’s not, and I don’t want you to think that way. This started long before what happened to you. While your dad and Clayton Black were friends.” He pauses. “I asked Zane to buy Quiet Meadows.”
“Why?”
“I want him to tear it down.”
Pleasure shoots through me. To watch the place that has been a source of misery for so many pulled apart brick by brick, like my life has been torn apart, memory by memory.
I push one of my hands under his t-shirt and lay my palm against his warm skin. “I did some snooping on Peggy’s computer tonight. That’s why I went downstairs.” I tell him what I found out about Dr. Stephen Mallory and my flashback that might not have been real. “He worked with dementia patients there. Some of the articles made it sound like he did a lot of good for people.”
“But not for you.”
“Maybe not for me.” I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder.
“When are you going to LA?” Gage asks, running his fingertips up and down my back.
I swallow hard and shake my head. “I don’t want to go now. I want to stay with you.”
“I think you should. Not because I don’t want you here, but remember why you broke it off? Because you wanted to explore, experience new things? That hasn’t gone away, Zarah. If you felt like that before we broke up, you’ll still feel like that after we’re back together. You’re so concerned that you’re holding me back, but I don’t want to do that to you, either.”
“You’re not holding me back if I want to be here.”
He laughs, and it rumbles out of his chest. “Why would I believe that if you don’t believe it when I say it?”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“I know I am.” He brushes a kiss over my temple, and his beard tickles my cheek.
“Will you come with me? You could meet Mel.”
He blows out a breath. “I’d like to, Christ, do I need the vacation, but Pop and I are looking into Ingrid’s death. If we can figure out who killed her, maybe we can answer some other questions.”
“Like what?”
“Like why patients from Quiet Meadows are dying. What was really going on there. There’s more to that place than what’s on the surface. Every question I ask creates more questions. I want to start finding answers.”
“And you can’t do that in LA.”
“I don’t want to do that in LA. It’s good you want to do things on your own. You need that and I’ve never disagreed with it. You can explore without us having to break up. I’ll always be here, waiting for you to come back.”
“I’ll miss you,” I say, tears scratching my throat. I don’t want to think about leaving him after only just finding him again, but I can’t cry—I’m getting what I want.
“I’ll miss you too, but it won’t be like when we weren’t together. Enjoy your trip and hopefully while you’re gone Zane and I can figure some shit out.”
I can’t argue and I sigh, my nose grazing his cheek as I burrow into his embrace.
“Let’s go to bed. I need to get some sleep. I can’t skip work, and Pop will want to know what happened.”
He wraps his hand tightly around mine and leads me upstairs, Baby following us. She settles in under my window, and we crawl into bed. He spoons me, and it brings back so many wonderful memories of us making love in this position. He presses against me, molding his body to mine, but he’s soft, not in the mood to make love. He’s halfway asleep before I can get comfortable.
“Do you want to make love?” I ask.
“No.” His voice is raspy and heavy with fatigue, but it has a hard edge to it. “Not after what happened tonight. When I went to talk to Jerricka, I was a wreck. I knew she had a lot to do with why you broke up with me. She said some cruel things, nasty things, about our sexual relationship, and we’re going to have to talk about what you need from me, physically, before I touch you that way again. She made me feel disgusting for wanting to make love to you, and I don’t know where her words start and your feelings stop.”
I’m angry and humiliated and I don’t know if I’m aiming those feelings at myself or at Jerricka. She turned my confiding in her against me and hurt someone I love. “She had no right to say anything.”
“She was protecting you and maybe she had good intentions, but she doesn’t like me. It stung, Zarah, and even if she was being a bitch to get back at me because I brought her professional ethics into question, there must be some truth to what she said. I know you talk to her about me, about us, and you and I are going to have to have some honest conversations before I make love to you again.”
I turn over and search his face in the dark. His eyes are open, but his eyelids are drooping. “You’ve never hurt me.”
“She said I did, and I know I have. In the shower. I made love to you in anger that morning, and now we have to wait and see if there’s a price to pay. I’m not innocent.”
“If I’m pregnant, I’m keeping it.” I just made that choice, right now, and my voice is strong and unwavering.
“All we can do is wait. Go to sleep. You’ve had a shitty day.”
Doubt creeps in. “Do you want me to keep it?”
“If you’re pregnant and you keep it, we’re getting married.”
I snuggle into him. “Okay.”
His breathing evens out, and I lie wrapped in his arms. I’ll fix what I broke between Gage and me, and we’ll come back stronger than ever.
I hope.