Chapter Ten
Zarah
I wake up with Gage’s arms around me. He tries not to touch me while we’re sleeping—he says I can’t give my consent if I’m unconscious. I understand where he’s coming from, but sometimes it would be nice to wake up to his hands roaming my body, like even in sleep he can’t stop touching me. I’m grateful he respects my history, and I don’t say anything. I never want him to think he’s not giving me what I need. Waking up to him holding me, his hard cock pressed against my butt, is enough.
Stella and I didn’t end up going shopping yesterday, and we’re meeting in the city since I’m already here. It was a spur of the moment idea to wait for Gage at his apartment, but his pleasure at finding me here was worth the risk. I’m always afraid I’m going to bother him or he’s going to get tired of me hanging around. That’s a self-esteem issue, something Jerricka and I should be working on during our sessions, and that was another reason I wanted to talk to Gage. I don’t want to stop seeing her, and I want to know why he convinced my brother to fire her.
He knows I’m awake and his hand moves over my belly to cup my breast. I’ll never turn down making love with Gage, and I give in easily. He makes love to me gently, from behind while spooning me. After the first time, it became our favorite position. I love how he pushes his face into the curve of my neck, how his whiskers scratch at my shoulder. I love how he whispers things into my ear. Our position gives him access to every inch of my body, but his breath along my jaw, his tongue tracing the shell of my ear, those little things set me on fire, and he knows it, too.
Gage knows how to put the ‘love’ into lovemaking, and because I’ve never had that before, I find the most pleasure in the little gestures.
“You should move in with me,” he mumbles, his body quaking with the aftershocks of his orgasm. He’s still inside me, still a little hard, and testing, I tighten my muscles and squeeze. I like how it feels, how my body clutches at him. I adore how he responds, a ferocious, possessive growl.
“Really?” I like the idea, but I’m not sure Zane would be happy and I’d miss Stella and Lucille. What I would want if I could have it is Gage moving out to the house, but he would never agree to something like that and he’d hate the commute.
I must not have sounded as happy as he wanted. “Think about it. Maybe in the spring, unless you don’t want to. I know it’s too soon to be thinking like that, but I liked you waiting for me last night.”
“You didn’t mind?” He nibbles my earlobe between his lips and shivers run up and down my spine. “That tickles.”
“It’s supposed to, and I didn’t mind. Why do you think I gave you a key?”
That had been a surprise, to find his silver key on my keyring. He never told me he was going to give me a key to his apartment, and it took me a little while to realize what it was for. I don’t want to abuse the power he gave me, and last night was the first time I used it without telling him I’d be stopping by.
I’m glad he has nothing to hide from me. He would never let me in his place alone if he was keeping secrets.
Not that I was afraid he was—keeping secrets, I mean—but trust is hard for Zane, and it’s hard for me, too. Loving someone you can’t trust is one of the most difficult things you can do, and when Gage does things like give me a key or trusts me to make decisions for myself even though I’ve proven I can be shaky at the best of times, I love him more. I want to make him happy, as happy as he makes me, and then I start worrying he’s going to leave me if he’s not that happy all the time. It all turns into a big ball of anxiety and fear.
“I would miss Stella and Lucille,” I say, rolling over. His cock slips out of me, and he groans playfully. I liked him still being inside me, but I want to look at his beautiful face and I brush my fingers through his hair. It’s longer than it was when we met, and I wonder if he’s the type of guy who doesn’t care. Zane gets his hair cut every three months without fail. Stella visits the spa when she thinks about it, saying she’s still not used to having the disposable cash to afford a luxury like that. Our spa days are one of my favorite ways to spend time together.
“Of course you would.”
He doesn’t sound bitter, and I don’t feel like I’m choosing them over him. I press a kiss to his lips, thankful he loves me enough to understand.
“Maybe one day we can figure out how to meet in the middle.”
“Like you moving into my room?” I tease. He would never do that. He’s too much of a man to live under Zane’s roof.
He snuggles me closer, a hand to my hip. “That’s not meeting in the middle.”
“I know.” I pause and rub my thumb over his bottom lip. “Can you tell me now, about Jerricka?”
“Let me clean up, and if we’re going to have a conversation like that, I need coffee.”
“I’ll make some.”
“Thanks.”
I feel at home in Gage’s apartment, and I bundle up and let Baby outside so she can take her morning pee break. The sky’s dark, a handful of stars hanging in there as the night gives way to daytime. All the snow that fell yesterday lays in a deep layer on the ground or piled high where the snowplows have pushed it aside. The industrial park is already busy and sounds of trucks and other traffic carry to me. It’s different than living in the country where the only sounds in the morning are the birds and the bare branches scratching in the wind.
When Baby’s done, we hustle inside. Gage is still in the bathroom, and I fill Baby’s bowls with fresh kibble and water and start a pot of coffee. In some ways, it’s strange, you know, to be a part of Gage’s everyday life. There’s an intimacy fitting myself into his mundane tasks, like letting his dog out, or making coffee, and simply knowing where he keeps the grounds scares me a little. I’m not sure why. Maybe because we haven’t been together long, or maybe because we’re going too fast. It’s the lie I told Stella, and maybe it’s not Jerricka’s concern, but mine. Like, I’m afraid he’ll leave me—I’m always afraid of that—but it’s hard thinking he’ll get tired of me if I give him too much too fast. Or he’ll leave me if I don’t give him what he needs, what he wants. It’s exhausting trying to be everything he wants me to be when I don’t know what that is.
Jerricka would call that insecurity, and she’d accuse me of being immature for simply not asking. But I already know what Gage’s answer would be. He would say I’m enough just how I am, just what I’m doing, but I know I’m not. Not with how my mind is, not with my directionless future. How could that possibly be enough for anyone?
Then I go back to worrying, and I end up feeling like a dog chasing her tail. Running in circles until I can barely stand, and for no other reason than trying to prevent something that’s not in my power to stop.
Gage steps up behind me and kisses my temple, his lips warm. “Thanks for letting Baby outside. How’s the weather?”
“We got a lot of snow. Did you have problems driving last night?”
“Not in that truck. It could take on an avalanche.”
He pulls coffee mugs out of the cabinet and takes the milk he started keeping for me out of the fridge. We fix our coffees and I lead him back to bed. It’s too early to get up for the day, but not early enough to go back to sleep. I’m not meeting Stella until later, but Gage will want to head to the office around eight.
“You came in pretty late.” I wince. Now I sound like the crabby girlfriend who keeps track of every second her man isn’t home.
“Zane had a good time.” Gage burrows into the comforter, holding his mug aloft as to not slosh coffee onto the bed. “He’s funny when he’s not wound up and stressed out.”
“He doesn’t have many friends. Ash ruined it and he’s afraid to let anyone in. All the people he has in his life now are me and Stella, and Lucille and Douglas. It was nice of you to invite him out. I think he missed it.” I sit on top of the comforter wearing one of Gage’s t-shirts. I have nightgowns and pajamas here, but there’s something about wearing a man’s clothes. The scent, the way they feel, the way they cling to my curves. It’s the next best thing to his arms around me. “Will you tell me about Jerricka now?”
Gage explains what Iona Belsely told him and Zane, how they think Jerricka could have been working with Dr. Pederson and his drug trials, and what they were doing may not have been purely for the good of his patients. “It’s better if you distance yourself from Quiet Meadows. I knew Jerricka was connected to two of the dead girls, and I told Zane. We didn’t think much of it, but after hearing she’s been involved with Dr. Pederson, back then and now, that was a mistake.” He heaves a sigh and sips his coffee. “I’m glad Zane listened to me yesterday. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
He lifts my hand off the comforter and rubs my knuckles.
“You could have asked me first. Do you know how long it takes to find a good therapist? How much trial and error I’ll have to go through to find a good fit? It could be months before I can find someone else I like, someone I feel comfortable enough sharing all my thoughts with. It’s demeaning to share your rawest moments, your darkest secrets. You can’t tell just anyone those things, and I’ll have to start all over again.”
“I know, but—”
“No, you don’t know. Have you ever been in therapy?”
He shakes his head.
Of course he hasn’t. A man like Gage, who has his parents’ support, his confidence and good looks, a future he’s sure of. Women like Sierra, throwing themselves at him, why would he need therapy? Why would he need to lay his troubles onto someone? He doesn’t have any. I’m angry I need a psychiatrist and he doesn’t. That Ash screwed up my life and not his and how easy it is for him to dismiss an important aspect of my recovery he and Zane took away without asking.
She might be rough with me sometimes, but I need that. My recovery would never move forward if all she did was tell me what I wanted to hear. Jerricka cares about me and my progress. She’s probably worried about me and what I’ll do without her.
It’s not fair.
“Then you have no idea what you and Zane ripped away from me. I need her.”
“But when I talked to you yesterday, you said we would find someone together.”
“What did you want me to say? I was in shock. Zane knew I wouldn’t be happy, and he got off the phone as quickly as he could. He knew I’d be hurt he did that without asking me, and he let you deal with it instead, like the coward he can be.” Gage’s eyes widen. “Oh, I love my brother, but I know the kind of person he is. He’d rather hide than face up to anything, just like he’d rather you be subjected to the brunt of my anger, and now you are. I’m taking a shower, then I’m going to see her.”
“Zarah—”
“No. You want me to make my own choices, you want me to think for myself, yet when I do, I’m childish for not falling in line. After my breakdown, she came to see me. Where were you?”
I throw that at him and leave him there with nothing he can say. It was two weeks before he drove out to the house, two weeks, when Jerricka made herself available to me day or night. I know that’s not fair. He was giving me space and staying away from me was just as hard on him as it was on me, but it’s the stab I wanted to leave the bedroom with, my parting shot.
Except, I should have known Gage wouldn’t give up so easily. He follows me into the bathroom, and I bait him, yanking off his t-shirt and stripping my panties, dropping them into a pile on the floor. I turn on the faucet, showing him a glorious view of my backside, and when the water is steaming hot, I step inside.
He follows me into the shower, his face red, and not from the heat. I step backward and press my back against the cool, slick wall of the shower stall.
His cock is hard, grazing his abs, pre-cum glistening at the tip. A frown darkens his features, and his tattooed muscles bulge. I’d never want to meet him in a dark alley.
Lifting me up, his hands like a vise around my ribcage, we’re eye to eye, and I tremble. He’s so strong, he holds me like I don’t weigh anything. His arms don’t even shake with the effort of keeping me a foot off the bottom of the shower. How easily he could hurt me, worse than any of Ash’s jobs. They were weak, in all ways, even physically. Sitting behind a desk, playing golf. Their slaps, the way they would manhandle me, is nothing compared to what Gage could do.
“Just because I’m mad doesn’t mean I’ll hurt you.”
Water runs into his eyes. He blinks it away, and it trickles down his cheeks. Mist collects in his beard turning into big drops that drip down his neck.
I nod. Out of anything I know in this life, I know that.
“If you go see her, can you tell her you need a break? A short break, a couple of weeks, that’s all. Give me some time to figure this stuff out. Can you do that? We went about it the wrong way, and I’m sorry.”
I press my face against his shoulder and wrap my legs around his waist.
“Zarah, I don’t have a condom.”
I shake my head. It will be irresponsible, maybe my birth control isn’t working yet, but I don’t care. “I need this.”
“If you’re sure.”
“Yes.”
He braces my back against the wall, and slowly, he lowers me onto his cock. Though we’ve already had sex this morning, my body’s tight, and I need a moment. Gage gives me time to adjust, his hands under my butt as he holds me, and lets me sink onto him at my own pace.
The way he fills me is delicious, this friction without anything between us. It’s everything I knew it would be.
Jutting his hips upward, he claims the last inch, and I gasp, sinking my teeth into his shoulder. He growls, and suddenly he’s pumping his cock into me, his thrusts sharp and deep.
Too busy holding me up, he can’t help get me off, and I find my clit between our drenched bodies, the water sluicing over us. My clit is huge and engorged, my sex swollen as Gage rams into me. Leaning my head against the wall, I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Look at me,” Gage orders and my eyes pop open. “Look at me when I come inside you. This is love and there might be consequences. I hope you’re ready to face up to those.”
His hazel eyes spark fire, and he holds us very still, waiting for me, waiting for an affirmative response. If I say no, he’ll pull out and leave me hollow. He’ll never take more than I’m willing to give.
I nod my head viciously, my teeth clanking together. If he doesn’t finish us right now, I’ll die.
He needs only two more pumps and he’s bursting thick, hot streams of cum inside me. He groans, moving one hand from my butt and anchoring us to the wall. His legs tremble with every surge of his cock inside me.
“Hold on,” he says, his voice raw, and I cling to his body as he helps me come, his fingers slicking between us, pushing me toward the brink. I don’t need much to fall over, and the pleasure that courses through me is almost too much to bear. I sob his name, hanging onto his shoulders, my ankles locked under his butt.
I finish quaking and he sets me to my feet, a hand steadying me until I find my balance. I look at him through the steam and his eyes are hard. “Don’t you ever imply that I don’t love you. I’d die for you.”
The words he doesn’t say hang between us.
He would die for me, and his brother already did.
Lifting my chin, I don’t turn away. I want him to see I completely understand everything.
Without washing up, he gets out of the shower. After I’m finished shaving and washing my hair, I wrap a towel around myself and step into the empty kitchen.
He and Baby are gone.
I don’t hurry while I dress and apply my makeup, hoping he went out to grab a takeaway breakfast, but after an hour he still hadn’t come back, and I face up to the fact he went to work without telling me goodbye.
Wishing I had my driver’s license, I call the car service. You’d think it would be nice being driven around everywhere, and it’s convenient in a city this size not having to worry about parking, but in the end, you have to depend on someone else.
The driver’s prompt, but the traffic’s thick, and I arrive at Jerricka’s office a little before lunchtime. Stella texts and lets me know she’s in the city and waiting at Zane’s office. I don’t worry she’ll be bored—I’m sure she’ll find plenty to do there, if you get my meaning.
I walk into the entryway of Jerricka’s office, and Susan, Jerricka’s receptionist, widens her eyes. Jerricka must have already told her I wouldn’t be back.
“She’s seeing a client now, Miss Maddox, but she’ll have a few moments after her appointment is done.”
“That’s fine. I can wait. Thank you.”
I’m a little nervous about seeing her. Will she be angry? Concerned? Last night I took the medication she prescribed, and I packed the pills I still take in the morning when I put a bag together to spend the night at Gage’s. I look forward to another dosage adjustment. It can’t be long now until I’m done with what Ash was forcing on me at Quiet Meadows.
Ten minutes later Jerricka opens the door to her office. Her client must be using the lounge. “Zarah, I’m so happy you’ve come to see me,” she gushes, her arms stretched out in welcome. “Let’s talk in my office. I was wondering if I should reach out to tell you goodbye. Your brother’s phone call yesterday unsettled me.”
“It unsettled me, too,” I say, pulling my jacket off and hanging my purse on the coat tree. This isn’t a normal session, but old habits die hard. “He thought I could use a break and let you go without consulting me.”
Jerricka doesn’t pick up her tablet like she usually does, instead, she rests her butt against the edge of her desk and fidgets, a pen between her fingers. “Do you agree with him?”
“Kind of. These past few weeks have been difficult, you know.”
“Yes, I do, but I also know you don’t get anywhere without hard work. If you were to stop therapy now, what would that do to your mental health? Who would you speak to if you needed an opinion or advice? We talk about issues you feel you can’t share with your family.”
“I know.” I sigh and stare out the window.
She rests a hand on my shoulder. “What’s the real reason your brother called me yesterday? Was I too rough during our last session? Zarah, I’m only trying to lead you on the right path where Gage is concerned. He means a great deal to you—I can tell by the way you talk about him. I want to guide you into a healthy relationship, and I think it’s important to talk about things, especially after your negative sexual experiences. We were only just beginning to touch on what Ashton Black made you do.”
Twisting my fingers together, I think about what to tell her. Transparency is the key to therapy. If I can’t tell her the truth and tell her everything, it wastes my time and hers, but I don’t want to betray Gage and Zane. I owe them more loyalty than I do Jerricka. They’re my family. She’s not. I can’t even consider her a friend. I’d rather hide from her if I saw her in public than admit to anyone who could see us that I go to therapy.
“It’s nothing, really,” I say, deciding to downplay what Iona Belsely told my brother. “Zane found out you work with Dr. Pederson, a psychiatrist who used to treat patients at Quiet Meadows. Because I was kept there under false pretenses, he and Gage think it’s a good idea if I distance myself from the sanatorium and everyone who used to work there. Unfortunately, that includes you by association.”
“I see. Well, you’ve been honest with me, and I’ll be honest with you in return. Gage Davenport knew a long time ago I collaborate with Dr. Pederson. He came to see me before Thanksgiving about a case he and his father were working on.”
I nod, and she lifts her eyebrows. “I know. He told Zane.”