Chapter Ten #2
“That was quite a few weeks ago. Why the change now?”
I blow out a breath. “Because when Gage brought me to Quiet Meadows, he wanted to see if it triggered any memories, if I could dredge anything up under the drugs I’m still on.”
Jerricka stiffens like she did the first time I told her, but this time she leans forward, a curious glint in her eyes. “And did you?”
“Yes. The memories weren’t pleasant. That’s why Zane wants me to stop seeing you. Iona Belsely said you used to walk the rounds with Dr. Pederson, and I was abused there. He thinks it’s best if I take a break. Maybe he’s right.”
She holds my hand and leads me to the couch. I glance at the clock, but she shakes her head. “Don’t worry about the time. Let’s focus on you right now. What did you remember about the facility? How do you know they’re real memories?”
“That’s what I was worried about at first, that I was remembering nightmares, but Gage picked the locks and we walked around inside. I remembered an elevator code to the basement. What I remembered, Jerricka, it was too horrific to only be a nightmare. They were torturing me, testing to see if the drugs they were giving me were working.”
“Zarah, I—”
“I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, and I thought I was for a long time, too. But if Ash could bribe a doctor to drug me up for no other reason than to keep my mouth shut, don’t you think other things about Quiet Meadows could be true? Clayton Black bribed the pilot of my parents’ plane to commit suicide. Anything is possible.”
“And the relationship we’ve built during the past eighteen months needs to pay for that? You know how difficult it is to establish a relationship with a therapist. Please don’t do anything you’ll regret. Even if Gage and Zane tell you it’s a good idea.”
“Did you know I was a patient at Quiet Meadows at the time?”
She tsks . “Of course I did. Everyone did.”
“But did you see me? Consult with the doctor working for Ash? Dr. Pederson isn’t in prison, but maybe the investigators couldn’t find anything to charge him with.”
“Dr. Pederson was too busy leading clinical drug trials to treat bipolar disorder to concern himself about your proper treatment, Zarah. Your diagnosis wasn’t bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, which are Dr. Pederson’s specialties. There were other patients, and Quiet Meadows did important work, meaningful work, until the day it closed. Ashton Black misused those resources and a lot of people paid when Zane closed it down.”
I don’t need her to spell it out for me. Her tone is enough. Not everything is about me. “I understand.”
“How are you and Gage doing? Is everything all right?”
“We got into a fight about you this morning. He doesn’t want me to see you anymore. He says he wants me to make my own choices and decisions, but he wants me to do whatever he says. I told him he can’t have it both ways.” Suddenly, I blink away tears. “He blames me for Max’s death.”
“Did he say that? Remember what we talked about. It’s never a good idea to assume things.”
Shame heats my cheeks. “I goaded him. I told him when I had my breakdown you were there for me and he wasn’t. He said never to doubt how much he loves me, that he’d die for me. Max’s name hung between us. I didn’t need him to say it. I knew he was thinking it.”
“Zarah, I’ve kept my opinions mostly to myself regarding your relationship. I attempt to steer you in the right direction, and I realize, as a psychiatrist, that sometimes my patients will make mistakes. All I can do is try to turn those mistakes into lessons and pick up the pieces in our sessions. It can be a one step forward, two steps back process.”
“You don’t think me seeing Gage a good idea.”
“It’s not that I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She sighs and smooths out her skirt’s invisible wrinkles. “Do you remember when I was telling you that perhaps you should play the field, date a little before you decided to jump in? I still think that. You’ve fallen into a very serious relationship, very quickly. How do you know Gage is the right man for you if you haven’t dated? If you haven’t sampled what’s out there? You come to me for guidance—you didn’t let Zane and Gage bully you into stopping our sessions. So if you listen to any of my advice, anything at all, it would be to date other men. Make sure Gage is who you want. Your relationship is still new and this would be the time to explore.”
“But—” I hate the idea. Even as what she says makes absolute perfect sense, I hate it. I love him...I’m madly in love with him.
“During our last session, do you remember how you cried on me because you don’t want him to leave you?”
I look away, embarrassed. “Yes.”
“That’s not healthy, Zarah. That imbalance of power in a relationship, it’s not healthy. If you want to be strong in a relationship, you have to be strong on your own first. Gage opened you up to having a safe and natural sexual relationship. It will only help your recovery to broaden your experiences—in bed and out.”
My skin crawls, thinking about having sex with anyone but Gage. I want to throw up, picturing him doing to someone else what we shared in the shower this morning, and I guess that’s where Jerricka is going with this. He’s had time to explore. I haven’t. Ash stole those years of play away and I should want them back.
His threat echoes in my mind, and I’ll be facing those consequences sooner than I ever thought. “Gage and I were intimate this morning without using birth control,” I confess.
Jerricka closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. “That was immature, of both of you. You can’t have forgotten how much medication you’re on. You’ll need to contact Dr. Reagan as soon as you leave my office and let him know. He’ll tell you if what you’re taking is safe for a fetus. I can tell you right now the medication I prescribed for you is not.”
“I’m on the shot. There’s a chance it started working.”
“I’m not an obstetrician or a gynecologist. You’ll need to consult your own physicians.” She stands, and her smile is forced and brittle. “I’m sorry, but this is all the time I can give you. I have other obligations I need to attend to. If you want to continue to see me, ask Susan to reschedule your sessions. I wiped out our standing appointments after your brother called me yesterday.”
“What about the medication you prescribed?” I would love to stop, but what she said during our last session still haunts me. I need to do all I can to move my recovery forward.
“Well, my dear, you seem to be determined to do things the way you want to do them. If you want to keep taking it, then I support that. If you don’t think it’s a benefit, you can stop. I don’t give up on many clients, Zarah, but you’ve been seeing me for quite some time and if you don’t trust my judgment by now, I doubt you ever will. You’re a grown woman who can think for herself. I’m happy to let you.”
My throat closes with tears. No one has ever told me they’ve given up on me before. “Happy New Year, Dr. Solis.”
“And to you. Good luck.” She opens her office door, and I gather my coat and jacket. I step into the hallway and she closes the door, the latch clicking softly, and I’m left alone.
I text Stella and tell her I’m not in the mood to shop after all. Even though it’s cold, I wander the city streets, the wind whipping at my hair. I find myself at the banks of the Renegade, the water moving swiftly, the color of mercury.
My phone dings. It’s Gage texting and asking me where I am and if I’m okay.
I don’t answer.
He can do better than me. Even all my money doesn’t turn me into a person who’s good enough for him. I should tell him now, but I’ll wait until after Zane and Stella say their vows. Gage said he’d be a witness on their certificate. I thought it romantic but now all he’ll be is someone I used to know, a name scrawled on a piece of paper. Even though I fought Jerricka’s advice, she’s right. I should date other people. The only reason I didn’t before is because despite saying he supported me spreading my wings, I was afraid Gage would do the same thing and find somebody else. He said he’d wait for me and he probably would have, but we weren’t at the point in our relationship we’re at now and when I tell him I want to date other people, I won’t get the same response. He won’t wait while I figure myself out. He’ll move on.
Dating Gage was a mistake. I wasn’t happy alone, and I thought he would make me happy. He does, as part of a couple, but alone, I’m still miserable, anxious, and scared. I take more than I give.
I stand until I’m frozen, my fingers tingling in the cold, the tip of my nose numb, and I text Stella and let her know I’m going to the penthouse. I could ask her not to say anything, but she wouldn’t keep the information to herself if anyone asked. I stress I want to be alone and hope she takes the hint. She sends me a couple of heart emojis in response and lets me be. I can always count on Stella to understand what I need.
The Sweet Apple is busy when I walk by and I’m tempted to go inside and order food, but the penthouse will be stocked and the allure of one of their pasta dishes isn’t enough to tempt me to face all those people. I walk by, linger at a storefront displaying lingerie for Valentine’s Day. That’s going to be another lonely day. Zane and Stella will go out to celebrate their first holiday as a married couple. When I encouraged them to finally get married, I didn’t consider what that would do to my place in their lives. I’ll feel even more of an outsider than I do now.
Am I well enough to live on my own? Can I after another adjustment of my medication? I could live in the penthouse. Zane would possibly allow it since he works in the same building and he’d have regular access to check on me.
It’s an option, but I don’t know what I would do with my time if I moved there. Mom always had a mission, a task, a goal. She didn’t let our money cushion her. I could go to school, enroll in some online classes. Jerricka encouraged me to go in person, but I’m not ready for that.
The sun peeks through the clouds, and I turn around, the hair rising on the back of my neck. I feel like someone is watching me, but I search the crowded sidewalk and don’t see anything suspicious. Squinting, I turn my eyes to the buildings looming above me, picturing a man dressed in black holding a rifle. This isn’t far from where Ash tried to kill Stella.
There’s no reason anyone wants me dead—at least, I don’t think so. Gage didn’t tell me if he found out anything more about someone blowing up his truck. I haven’t thought about it, my personal issues taking up more headspace. Maybe Ash really does have someone following me, keeping tabs on me. I have no idea why he would. He never loved me, only took a sick pleasure in controlling me.
Maybe I’m so messed up I shouldn’t be dating anybody. Maybe I’m better off alone.
Several people greet me on the way inside the building. I try to smile and engage in the small talk expected of me. They’re our employees, after all, and I need to make a good impression. At the security desk, I ask for the code for the private lift. I could have texted Zane, but I don’t want him to know I’m here. He’ll stop working and I don’t want to interrupt anything important.
When I’m upstairs, I check my phone. Gage messaged me two more times. That was half an hour ago. I guess by now he messaged Stella, and she told him to leave me alone.
I text him, I’m fine, just need some time, and I add a heart so he knows I’m not mad at him. I’m not, not really. Not mad in a way he thinks I would be mad. Maybe...downtrodden is a good word for how I feel right now. I’m a disappointment to everyone around me. No matter what I do, it’s never the right choice.
Three dots waver, indicating he’s typing. They blink for a long time, but only a heart pops up and I know he deleted whatever it was he was going to say. It could have been an apology for walking out on me this morning, or an accusation because I provoked him to do it. Or maybe he wants to talk about what we did in the shower and those fucking consequences he made sure I knew about before spurting inside me.
I’m not worried he made me pregnant. If he did, I can truthfully say I’m not ready to be a mother. There are clinics that can remedy my situation. He wouldn’t even have to know.
In my room, I change into a pair of pajamas and crawl into bed. It’s only when I have my comforter wrapped around me that I let the tears come. I don’t know what I’m crying about. Gage? Our impossible relationship? What Jerricka said to me? My whole life? If I had to guess, it would be a combination of all of it. I hadn’t followed her directions and didn’t take the medication she prescribed me. I gave Gage permission to be careless. What hurt wasn’t what Jerricka said, it was the honesty behind the words. I want to be treated like an adult, then I act like a kid.
My phone chimes, and Gage’s name lights up my screen. I send his call to voicemail. He tries again and I send that call to voicemail too, then shut my phone off. I don’t want to talk. I already told him I’m fine, and that’s enough. Maybe he’ll get the hint and dump me. Then I won’t have to do it after Zane and Stella’s wedding.
My old room comforts me. Not much, but a little. I pretend that Lucille’s in the kitchen, that Mom and Dad are down the hallway laughing. That Zane is in his room talking to a girl on the phone.
I miss my family. Who we were before the Blacks destroyed us.
Who I was before Ash destroyed me .
That young girl, she would have found her place. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up and I still don’t, but back then I had a better chance of figuring it out than I do now. Now I’m a crumpled up tissue no one wants.
My stomach grumbles, but that would require getting up and snooping around the kitchen. I don’t have the energy for that, and I drift off to a sick and empty feeling.
When I crack my eyes open, the sun’s set and Zane’s lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. He left my door open and a dim light shines in from the hallway. His jaw is covered in whiskers, and his tie is loose around his neck.
“What are you doing here?”
“Stella told me you were here and I wanted to check on you before I went home. What’s up?”
He asks casually, rolling over onto his side and stuffing a pillow under his head. He looks tired, like he could fall asleep right here and sleep all night. He has so much on his mind, and I just add to it.
“I needed to be alone for a while.”
“Do you want me to go?”
I shake my head the best I can against my pillow. “I wish you’d talk to me. You fired Jerricka without asking me, and I bitched Gage out for it. If you had concerns about me seeing her, you should have told me.”
“I’m sorry. What Iona Belsely told us scared me and I wanted to cut ties between you and her as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to wait, and that was wrong. Do you want to keep seeing her? I wish you wouldn’t. She’s too close to Quiet Meadows, and I really don’t feel good about it.”
“She’s been connected to Quiet Meadows for the past year and a half she’s been my therapist. What’s the difference?”
“I don’t know. Gage has been working on a couple of cases, and her name keeps popping up. He doesn’t like the idea, either, and I trust him. He’s got instincts I don’t have.”
“He shouldn’t be involved.” I don’t mean to snap and my voice is sharper than I intended, but it’s because of what Jerricka said. If I’m going to start seeing other people, if I’m going to break up with him, then he shouldn’t be weighing in on my care. It wouldn’t be up to him.
Zane lifts onto an elbow. “Why? I thought you two were practically engaged. He told me he’s going to marry you, and I thought that’s what you wanted.”
Tears fill my eyes. “He can do better than me.”
He blows out a breath. “I used to think that about Stella. That any man on this earth would be a better fit for her than a fuckup like me. All the shit I’ve done, Christ. I look in the mirror, Z, and I don’t see a man. I see an asshole who’s destroyed lives, whose parents wouldn’t be proud of him. I let the company go, I deserted you in that hellhole, I believed Ash over anything Stella wanted to tell me. When she went to Florida to stay with her parents, I really believed she’d never come back. Why would she? But love doesn’t see mistakes. Stella doesn’t look at me and see all the things I’ve done wrong. When Gage looks at you, he doesn’t see a woman who was drugged up for five years or a woman struggling to parse out her future. He sees is the woman he loves, that’s all. That’s all he needs.”
“I’m not enough.”
“You’re enough because he thinks you are.”
“No, I’m not. You were right. I should date other people. Set Tate and me up on another date.” It sounds horrible coming out of my mouth, and even Zane frowns.
“Are you going to break up with Gage, Zarah?”
“Yes.” Saying that simple word slices me from the inside. I’ll die from internal bleeding.
“If that’s what you think you need to do.”
“If he loves me that much, he’ll wait. Like you did for Stella.” Except, when I tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, I’ll end it. Completely. Then I can tell Jerricka I did the right thing, and she’ll want me as a patient again.
“Do you...would you want to get out of the city for a while?”
I sit up, my heart hammering. “Really? You’d let me go somewhere?”
“It’s not a question of me letting you go anywhere. You can do what you like as long as you’re keeping yourself safe. You could go to London and visit Nigel and Helena or—”
“I could go to LA and see Mel.”
Slowly, he nods. “You could. I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
I throw myself into his arms. Leaving King’s Crossing is the answer to all my prayers. I can get away from Gage, Zane and Stella can have a few weeks alone after they get married. Jerricka and I will have room to breathe, and I can come back to the city refreshed and ready to work to move forward.
Dr. Reagan will reduce my meds again and I’ll keep taking the pills Jerricka prescribed me. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t safe if I’m pregnant. I can stay in LA until I get my period, and if I don’t, I’ll do what I need to do before I come back.
“Thank you.”
“Just as long as you know getting away for a little while is one thing, running from your problems is another. You don’t need to run from anything...you have people who will help you do anything you need to do. Remember that.”
“I will.”
“You’re going to break his heart, you know.”
I force myself to smile. “I’m too complicated. He’d get tired of it sooner or later.”
He tilts his head and tugs his fingers through my snarls. “I don’t think that’s true. I may not know him as well as you do, but I don’t think that’s true. Well, I’m ready to head home. Are you coming?”
“Can I stay here? Will you let me?”
He purses his lips. “If you were asking me if you could stay anywhere else, I’d probably say no. But the security...if you’re sure it’s what you want.”
“Yeah. I’m settled in, and the kitchen’s stocked. I’ll watch a movie or something, then go to bed.”
“All right. And meet up with Stella tomorrow, okay? She was disappointed you didn’t want to go shopping.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her. Thanks.”
Zane kisses the top of my head. “I don’t always act like it, but God, Zarah. You’re my sister and I love you, and all I want is to know you’re safe and happy.”
“I know, but I’m going to screw up whether you like it or not. You can’t keep me from doing that, and it will teach me some lessons, too.”
Zane laughs. “I’m going to be a crappy dad, watching my kid stumble through life. It’ll break my heart. I’ll let security know you’re staying here, and turn your phone back on. They may need to reach you.”
“I will. I love you too, you know. You and Stella. I wouldn’t be okay without you.”
He captures my chin between his thumb and forefinger and squints his eyes playfully, studying me. “Yeah, you would. See you later, kid,” he says in Nigel Wagner’s British accent.
“Bye.”
I hear the elevator carry Zane downstairs and crawl out of bed. In the kitchen, I turn my phone back on, expecting to see a million messages from Gage. There aren’t any. He left me a short voicemail saying he hoped I was okay and if I felt like talking to give him a call, and that’s it. I don’t know if I’m disappointed he didn’t try harder or happy he listened to me and is giving me the space I want.
I fix a ham and cheese sandwich, grab some chips, and settle in front of the TV and flip on Netflix. I miss Gage more than I should. It’s rare we don’t spend the night together anymore, but he couldn’t spare the time he was giving me. He doesn’t work out as often as he used to, and he doesn’t go on many runs, either. He’ll be able to catch up on his work and spend time with his friends. Last night when he went out with Linc and Zane, that was the first time he’d done something like that since we met. He needs the balance just as much as I do.
I shouldn’t feel guilty wanting to be alone.
On a whim, I text Jerricka and tell her I’m going to follow her advice and put some space between Gage and me. That I’m going on a short vacation and when I come back, I’d like to pick up where we left off.
She says she’s happy to hear that and to give her office a call whenever I’m ready.
I wilt in relief. I hate being at odds with her, and while Zane might have valid concerns when it comes to Jerricka, I don’t see the harm he does. Everything that happened tore up his trust in people. I’ve been seeing her for a long time now, and I do trust her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have let her convince me that Gage and I should break up. Jerricka only wants the best for me—her tough love proves it.
The credits are scrolling down the TV screen when my phone chimes over the music. I didn’t understand this movie any better, and I try not to think about it or what it means. Jerricka would blame me and the inconsistent way I’ve been taking the medication, or she would blame stress, pointing out that Gage isn’t adding to my life in a positive way. There wouldn’t be anything I could say to defend myself or him. Gage’s text reads, Goodnight. I love you . He added a couple of hearts to the end of his sentence.
I want to text him back. I want to tell him I love him, that I miss him, but what’s the point?
In the end, I don’t respond. He’ll see that I read it, and he’ll be hurt I didn’t reply. He’ll know something’s wrong, but he’ll understand what I’m trying to say without me having to say anything. I’ll see him at Zane and Stella’s wedding then we can go our separate ways. It’s for the best.
I’m scared to be on my own without Gage. I can hear Jerricka say, “That’s not healthy,” and it’s not. I can’t be dependent on someone my entire life. I can lean on Zane and Stella, but they’ll want to live their own lives once they’re married. I can’t transfer that dependency onto Gage. That’s not fair.
When I come back from LA, I’ll ask Zane if I can move in here. I’ll start classes online, and I can oversee the updating and redecoration of the penthouse. Zane never did do anything to it. He was thinking about hiring a contractor, but we decided to move out to the country instead. It will give me a feeling of accomplishment to direct a project like that, then I’ll live here permanently. Eventually, I can pick up tasks at the company and ease into helping Zane run it. I can date and my future will be full even without Gage in it. That’s how it should be.
I sit up late writing lists of things I want to do in the new year. I’m a little nervous about flying to LA, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. Douglas would drive me out, but getting over my fear of flying is another task I should tackle. Flying again would open up another world. Stella and I could visit her parents in Florida. We could fly to New York and watch the shows during Fashion Week.
Despite what Jerricka told me in her office, I swallow one of the pills she prescribed. I don’t want to let her down anymore, and maybe they’re starting to work correctly. That was the only reason I stopped taking them—because they made me forgetful. Or I thought they did. Maybe I imagined the side effects. There’s been so much going on I wouldn’t be surprised if my confusion was my own doing.
I stay up a lot later than I expected, and I sleep in, waking up to Stella carrying a coffee tray into my room and calling me a sleepyhead.
I’m excited in a way I haven’t been in a long time, but the only thing I wish is that I was whole enough, together enough, to share my future with Gage.
He’s my missing piece.
I just have to finish my own part of the puzzle first.