Chapter Eight
The house looked exactly the same. Nothing had changed, and yet everything about my life had changed. I would never be the same again. I cooled down the fiery feelings of rage from the monster that dwelt inside of me. I tried to bottle up my emotions.
The last thing I need is rage spilling out and enticing the monster to taste vengeance and blood.
I walked upstairs and into my bedroom, trying to do as Keil had instructed, and I locked the monster away.
The room was the same with its white walls, wooden furniture, and pink blankets and pillows on my bed.
The blankets were askew as if I had just left, as if I had just hurried off in a rush before school, and suddenly, I was back.
What did I expect, though? Did I expect my room to suddenly change because I had changed so much?
No. It was cold in that bedroom; it was also dark.
Drawers were opened, and it was as if I could see Mary shuffling back and forth, packing my bag, me throwing up in the bathroom, Shad giving me a glass of water, and me packing my gym shoes.
I looked down and saw the same gym shoes on my feet.
They were the same shoes, and yet they were not the same at all anymore.
Those shoes showed the changes in me; they were proof of exactly what I had just been through.
They were filthy, covered in brown dirt from traversing trails, ash from the fire pits, mud from the cave, and blood—no doubt a mix of mine and Ryker’s.
I pushed that thought away. I would not let myself dwell on that.
I set my backpack down in the corner and quickly closed all the drawers that had been left open, tucking the clothes back inside of them, and along with those clothes, I also tucked away the memories of who I once was.
I walked into the bathroom and stripped down.
I tried to use the hot water from the shower to wash away all of the filth and grime out of my life.
I tried to let it cleanse me and make me whole.
I let the water fall onto my head as I collapsed to the shower floor.
Quiet sobs burst out of me as I pulled my knees to my chest. I knew, though, that I would never be whole again.
I remembered that only once since my parents’ deaths, had I had hope, hope in the form of a black-haired boy with golden eyes and an electric touch.
But now? Now, that boy I had once known, he is gone.
I raised fingers to my lips, replaying the kisses that we had shared, even the tainted kiss in the car, when I had a split second of renewed hope.
But there is hope, isn’t there? I questioned.
Shad told me to have hope, back when we were in the cave.
I then heard the single note of his melody, ringing inside of me, attempting to soothe my fears and doubts.
I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto the knowledge that there was no way that Shad would have ever just left me alone.
We loved each other; he sacrificed himself for me; he cared about me.
He knew how much I needed him, didn’t he?
He knows that I can’t do this alone.
Once the shower ran cold, I turned it off.
In slow motion, I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body.
I went to my backpack and threw it and everything else inside of it into the trash can.
I tied the trash bag and put it outside of my bedroom door.
I sat on the lid of the toilet seat and I stared at my hands and at my feet.
Although we had been in a hotel for several days and I had just been under the scalding water of the shower, I still felt unclean.
I still felt the way I had, walking through the cave.
I could still remember the texture of the rock, still feel its roughness and the sting of the cuts it etched into my hands.
I still felt the spider on my skin and the unwanted kiss on the side of my face from Cade.
I scratched at my skin where that kiss had been placed and tried to focus on my melody, focus on the song and that one precious note playing inside of me.
But I just turned the shower on again, for I had decided that I needed to clean myself once more.
I remained there under the cool water of the shower for a long time, soaping and re-soaping my body, washing and rewashing my hair.
When I finally could tell that my skin was almost rubbed raw, I turned off the water.
I wrapped the towel around me once again and sat back down on the toilet seat, trying not to think of anything.
I looked at the purple rug on the floor, and I traced the pattern of the flower with my eyes.
I imagined that I was an ice skater, that I was dancing along the petals, causing the picture to become etched into purple ice.
I danced over the flower over and over and over again until I heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Emma, dear, are you all right?” Mary called.
“I just took a shower.”
“I know, but are you okay? You have been in there for a while.”
I stood up with dead legs as I stumbled, tripping over the ice-skater-flower masterpiece.
“I am good, Mary,” I answered as I opened the door.
She smiled at me. It looked like she had showered as well.
The day was just beginning, but I knew that we both would go right to sleep, and because I could not be trusted alone—she would sleep right beside me.
“Ready for bed?”
I nodded as I moved to my dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and an old pair of sleep shorts. I pulled out my underwear and went back into the bathroom. When I came out, Mary was lying on my bed, reading a book. “Do we really have to do this?”
Mary set her open book down on her chest. “Emma, this is normal when in soul-training.”
“Yes, but it’s also weird, right?”
“What’s so weird?”
“It’s just weird that I have to be watched and stuff.”
“It really isn’t. Usually you go through this when young. I am sorry you have to do it now. Your mother and father had the best intentions.”
“Yeah, I know,” I sighed and pulled my blankets back to get into bed. She picked up her book and started reading again.
“Goodnight, Emma,” Mary said, clicking the lamp off. It seemed that she was just reading until I got into bed.
“Goodnight, Mary."