Chapter 26 #2
“I didn’t mean to…say all that?” I murmured, the words coming out more like a question than an apology.
“It just came out. And I really don’t want you to take me back there.
I liked it here. I mean…I do like it here.
It’s nice. And warm…and I get to have clothes on even though they make my back itchy and pull on the scabs.
” And I really should shut up now, but I didn’t say that part.
Evander leaned forward slightly, elbows resting on his knees, his expression soft in a way I didn’t know how to read.
“You don’t have to apologize for telling me the truth,” he said quietly.
The words landed like a warm hand on my back, gentle and steady, and nothing like the pressure I was used to.
I shifted, unsure what to do with the feelings rising in my chest. It wasn’t fearful, nor was it shameful. It was something else. Maybe close to relief.
“Let me help, Kasey. That’s all I want. We can fix a good amount of those things you said that was bothering you within minutes.”
“Please.” Please take it all.
It was easy to say that one single word, Evander’s brown eyes, looked at me like I meant something to him. Like the purpose of me here was for him to take my issues and solve them all.
“First of all,” Evander started quietly, “one of the rules was to eat three meals a day. And if you are hungry or thirsty, there are always drinks and snacks in the kitchen. You don’t have to have permission for any of it.
” He paused, studying me with that steady, unreadable calm.
“To me, it seems like you’re punishing yourself for something. ”
He didn’t have to point it out, but maybe I was.
Heat crept up my neck, and I kept my gaze fixed on my lap, refusing to look his way. My eyes stayed glued to my feet. I couldn’t lift my head. Not when he saw through me so easily.
“We’ll come back to that shortly. Let’s talk about the pain in your back. Is it because of the marks? The way you’re sitting? Something else?”
“Everything?” My voice was small, afraid to answer. Afraid to open that whole thing, because enduring pain for an Alpha was something I was accustomed to.
“I’ll get you some pain reliever, and after we have dinner, a warm bath will help with those muscles. And then I’ll put cream on your cuts to help, too.”
I nodded, feeling the heat leaving my face. But then, I paled as the words registered.
A bath.
Those were decent, but there was always a catch to them. Some sort of test and never meant to be relaxing.
Either Evander didn’t notice, or he chose not to comment; he moved to one of the other things I had word vomited on. “Although you can stay awake for many hours, here I want you to get a good eight hours of sleep. Every night. There’s no reason to stay up longer if your body is tired. Understood.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good boy.” Again, the heat quickly rose to my cheeks, and I shifted for a whole new reason that made no sense to me. My stomach was all weird. “Now, the headache. Do you get them often?” And the feeling was gone as quickly as it came.
“Sometimes? I…don’t know?”
It hurt when I cried. It hurt when I was hungry. And it hurt when I was tired. And I was tired. Always.
“Okay, we’ll just keep an eye on that then, alright.
” I nodded again. “When you were eight, and before you try to tell me again you aren’t that boy, just…
until proven otherwise, that’s how I’m going to think,” he waited for me to lift my eyes to his before he went on.
“You got headaches when you were overwhelmed. A lot. Your mom would have you take a nap or eat something when they come on, and it would help. So, we’ll try that, alright.
I’ll ask Dr. Moore to check you over again when he visits in a few days just to rule anything out. ”
“Okay.” If that’s what he wanted….
“There’s more and more similarities between him and the boy I see right now.
” Evander’s voice was wishful enough that I couldn’t look up at him.
He had his head tilted slightly, looking at me in a way that caused me to want to be that person.
It was there for only a fleeting moment, but it was all the same.
“You – he – used to go on like that, too. Talk and talk about something like he couldn’t stop the words, even if he had wanted to. ”
“Maybe it’s just you thing, Sir.” I always answered with as few words as possible, and only when I had to. Words weren’t something Omegas were meant to be used freely.
“Maybe.” He neither agreed nor disagreed. His tone calm, almost playful. “Now, back to what we were talking about. Why are you punishing yourself?”
The answer should have been easy. It sat right there on the tip of my tongue, But the moment I tried to speak it, the words slipped away, like they’d never been there at all. My mind went blank and all I could do was stare at my hands and hope he didn’t notice how quickly I’d fallen apart again.
Punishments had always been tied to obedience.
They were part of the same lesson. To serve, obey, correct, and improve.
Being disciplined was treated as essential, just as important as anything else I was taught.
How was I supposed to become better if no one pointed out my mistakes?
If no one corrected me when I slipped? If there weren’t any consequences to push me back in line?
That was the logic I’ve lived under for so long that it felt like the truth.
So, of course, I thought I needed it. Of course, I thought I deserved it. Of course, I thought improvement only came through being told, forcefully, what I’d done wrong.
It was hard to imagine any other way.
So yes, I was punishing myself because this Alpha wasn’t. But I didn’t dare want to say that I needed to be punished, because being in trouble was never great. Not for me.
“Kasey,” he scooted closer to me, close enough to touch my bent-up legs if he wanted to. “Do you need to be punished?”
With watery eyes, I looked up at the Alpha. He already knew, so why was he asking? Why make me voice it if he could just…fix it. Fix me.
“I refuse to make you hurt. No matter how you look at me with puppy dog eyes. That look…can’t work on me.
” That seemed to be of him trying to not let the look work on him.
“But we’ll stick to the plan. Food. A nice warm bath where you’ll be in the tub by yourself.
And I won’t even be in the bathroom while you do that.
Then, as punishment I’ll put lotion on you and cuddle you until you fall asleep for the night. ”
That’s not a punishment. But apparently the words didn’t just stick to my mind.
Evander let out a low laugh, the kind that rumbled in his chest. It was a sound like what a mother would give her child when he misbehaved but did it in a cute way.
“Punishments here are going to be different from what you’ve known. They’re not about hurting you or correcting you. They’re about taking care of what you need. If something isn’t being met, then I’ll make sure it is. Like giving you a bath when your body’s aching.”
His words settled over me slowly, unfamiliar and heavy in a way that made me entire tighten up.
I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. My eyes stayed fixed on the edge of the couch.
“My wish for you to please me, is by letting me take care of you. Let me meet the needs that pop up. Let me shower you with gifts when you are my good boy. And let me just…care.”
Could it be that easy? Could it be that easy to cave and let him just care about me?
“Okay.” I cleared my throat before looking up at him through wet lashes. “I’ll…try?”
“That’s all I ask, Kasey.”