Chapter 42
LILA
“Do you need a ride home?” I asked Victor, my tone clipped.
So what if I’d let him hold my hand back there? I was pregnant, not dead. I wasn’t entirely immune to feeling things when it came to Victor and my baby.
Our baby.
Victor shook his head but didn’t take his eyes from me. “No, thank you. I have to get back to work.”
I frowned, wondering how far away work was from here. I was carrying this man’s child, and for some reason, it seemed to matter.
Probably hormones.
“Do you need a ride to work?”
Definitely hormones.
Victor shook his head again, his lips lifting in the corner. “We both know I don’t deserve that, but again, thank you.”
I nodded as he walked away, pulling my purse strap up my arm. I wanted to get into my car and sob. Seeing the baby had made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time, and some that I had.
Like anger and frustration that Victor had done this to us. That was familiar, that I was used to.
But the blooming in my chest when I saw him break down in the scan room? That was new and fucking unwelcome. It was like he’d realised he was going to be a dad, and his whole world had come to a stop.
It was beautiful seeing our child on screen, even despite the circumstances between us. I couldn’t believe that was growing inside me, and suddenly all the symptoms didn’t matter.
I had made a beautiful baby.
Well, I supposed Victor contributed along the way…
“We’re not going there,” I muttered to myself, digging in my purse for my car keys.
“Lila,” Victor said my name in such a desperate way my head snapped up, my eyes wide. I thought he’d left already. “I just want you to know that I will be the best father I can be to our baby. I know you don’t have much faith in me, but I won’t let either of you down.”
His eyes, although dimmer than usual, and circled with darkness, flashed with determination.
“And for what it’s worth, I’m so fucking sorry.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Are you done?”
Victor blinked before sighing. “I still love you so fucking much. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
His admission was nothing different from before, but now it was almost dejected. Like he knew I didn’t care, but he wanted to tell me anyway.
I nodded, tears pricking my eyes.
“Okay. Thank you. I have to go; I need a nap.”
“Do you need anything brought home?” Victor asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. The sight of him like that, so broken, tired, and thin, made me want to reach for him.
But fuck no.
I had a baby to take care of. Sleep was my priority.
Not him.
“No thanks.”
“I can pick up Chinese food—”
“I’m fine.”
“Right,” he said, staring at the ground. “Well, drive safe.”
“Yup.” I climbed into the car and slammed the door, unable to even look at him without breaking down.
Some days I was fine—I didn’t think about him at all. But then days like today… it fucking broke me.
I missed his touch. His whispered words. The way he’d hold me in bed.
Why?
Because he was the man I’d fallen in love with, and he’d ruined everything. You couldn’t turn feelings off, and trust me, I’d tried.
I just had to hope they went away because he’d hurt me too much for a second chance.
But it still stung saying it. Because if I could rewind and go back to my Victor, before he’d cheated on me, I would. I’d take the risk again.
But I needed to remind myself what was at stake here. I stared at the grainy black and white image.
Our child.
He or she wouldn’t be brought up in a broken home. They’d have parents that loved them. They’d have two separate houses eventually, and maybe even stepparents.
The thought of Victor with a new woman was enough to cripple me, but it was bound to happen.
And me?
I didn’t care if I ever saw another man again.
I drove home, my hand drifting to my stomach as I thought of the growing life there.
I had to be the best I could be. Which reminded me, I’d been looking into interior design courses last night. It was something I’d always been interested in. My heart skipped a beat at the thought, and I made a mental note to check them out later.
But first, I needed a nap.
I woke up several hours later. It had grown dark outside, and my stomach rumbled.
Jeez, I’d slept for a long time.
I sat up groggily, my stomach demanding food. I thought of the bare refrigerator and groaned. I’d have to go and grab something, and maybe even do a grocery shop. It was the last thing I wanted to do with heavy eyelids, but needs must,
I opened my door and was hit with the delicious smell of steak cooking.
Oh god, Victor must be making himself dinner. I checked my watch—five pm. Huh, he must’ve finished work early.
All I needed was my shoes and keys, then I’d be out of his way and filling my empty tummy.
Except…
Victor stopped me when I walked downstairs.
“Lila, you’re awake. You really needed that nap, huh?
” He gave a small chuckle, his dark hair curling at the ends like he’d not long ago showered.
His white t-shirt set off his olive skin, the sleeves pushed up to reveal the forearms that always made me weak.
The forearms of a hardworking man, my mom always said.
Well, he was that.
I tore my eyes away. “I’m just going out.”
“I made dinner. For us,” Victor said, gazing at me. “I thought you’d be hungry.”
My eyes fell to the steaming pan of onions and garlic, to the pot of peppercorn sauce simmering beside it. A tray of home-cooked fries sat across from me, along with a big bowl of freshly chopped salad.
My absolute favourite, and I couldn’t turn it down. I was still exhausted, I felt weak with hunger, and it was easy to give in and eat.
Even though he’d made it.
He was a fantastic cook, and I’d be stupid to turn it down.
“Oh,” I said lightly. “Thank you, but you didn’t have to.”
He dished up the steak, cooked exactly how I liked it—well done—and handed me a bottle of chilled mineral water. He placed the plate on the single placemat at the table and handed me cutlery.
I stared at him as he pulled out his mother’s Tupperware and loaded it with food.
He wasn’t eating here.
Why?
My stomach lurched.
“I’ll wash up then I’ve got to go to work. I hope you enjoy it.” Victor glanced at me before stacking the dishwasher and rinsing trays and pans.
Of course. He had to work. But now he was living back here, surely, he didn’t need to work that second job.
Not that I cared—I was just trying to make sense of it. He hummed as he moved around the kitchen, a smile on his lips.
“You seem happier.” I couldn’t stop the comment if I’d tried.
But what right did he have to be happy?
Victor looked up, suds on his arms as he scrubbed the pots.
“I saw our baby today.” His eyes shone.
I wasn’t expecting that.
I cut into my steak and tried not to moan when it melted on my tongue. Soon I was shovelling the food into my mouth, Victor be damned.
“Yeah. It was pretty special,” I agreed.
Victor grinned at me, and for a second, it was like all was forgotten. “Our baby, Lila. I never thought it would happen for us.”
I nodded. “I sure didn’t expect it.”
Victor tilted his head, gazing at me. “It suits you. Being pregnant…” His gaze dropped over my body, and a flash of heat appeared in his eyes.
I didn’t know what to do with that, so I cleared my throat and focused on finishing my meal.
Even when Victor was trying not to look at me, he was. It eased some of my anxiety about my changing body, the way he was looking at me like he wanted to spread me out on the table and fucking devour me. My cheeks flushed at the thought, but there was no way in hell he’d be doing that to me again.
Even though he was incredible at it.
Christ, I can’t think about that.
He finished cleaning the kitchen, and I slid my plate into the dishwasher, making sure to bend over close enough to him that I heard his breath hitch.
A smile tugged at my lips as I stretched, yawning loudly.
“I’m going to bed,” I said, moving past him. I couldn’t help but smell his delicious scent, the one that was just him—all soap and the cologne I’d bought him last Christmas.
He reached out and caught my hand, turning me so I was facing him. Up close, everything felt like it always had, him about to kiss me before I went to bed…but everything was different now. My gaze dropped to his lips, lips I had kissed so many times—but that were tainted now.
“Lila…I still love you.” His voice was hoarse as he searched my eyes. “I always will.”
I couldn’t show any weakness. Not a scrap.
“Victor,” I said, tugging my hand free of his. “You are here because it is financially beneficial to both of us. If you are going to keep doing this—"
“Doing what? Telling you I still love you? That I still find you so attractive you’re all I think about? That we’re having a baby together, and we could’ve had everything?” His voice cracked. “Because that’s all that goes through my mind. All day, every day.”
I inhaled sharply. His words struck a chord deep inside of me, and I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time.
“You know all I see?” I whispered, stepping closer. I stared into his eyes. “You fucking her when you were married to me.”
His eyes swirled with sadness and guilt, his head bowing. “I know, baby.”
“Do you?” I snapped. “Because I’ve only ever been faithful to you.
Loyal to you, and only you.” I shook my head, pulling my lips between my teeth so I didn’t cry.
“I never even noticed other men. Even when I felt like shit, and we’d sleep with our backs to each other, I never thought of another man. But you?”
I dragged my gaze down him, my lip curling in disgust. “You fucked someone else. Repeatedly. And now you want me back? Now you want to fuck me?”
“Lila, don’t.”
“Don’t what?” My chest heaved, the emotion and toil of my words burning me to death inside.
“Talk about us like that,” he said, his eyes flashing.
Oh good, some anger. Good. Bring it, Victor, because I will throw it right back in your fucking face.
“No?” I laughed, the sound strange and high pitched.
“No.” Victor stepped closer. “Because you’re mine, Lila. My wife, my best friend, my fucking everything. Now you’re going to be the mother of my child, and I’ve never wanted you more. But don’t ever talk about us like all I want to do is fuck you.”
I stared at him, my hands trembling.
How dare he speak to me like this? Like he has any fucking right?
“It is, though! It is all you want to do! I see the way you’re looking at me—”
“Because you’re killing me! Look at you.” He waved a hand over me, and I shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks. “You’re beautiful. Inside and out.”
“If only you would’ve looked at me before. When I was yours—when I was your wife and your best friend. Because now? I’m nothing to you. Nothing, and you’re nothing to me,” I cried, shoving him in the chest.
His eyes filled with tears as he backed away, his fists balling beside him. “Yeah? Well, you’ll always be something to me. I won’t stop fighting for you. For us.”
I scoffed, scrubbing my wet cheeks with the heel of my hand. “Don’t waste your time. I certainly won’t.”