Chapter 7 Sheldon
SHELDON
After a day off, where I napped instead of getting a decent amount of sleep, and a night of restlessness while I paced, I was more exhausted than usual.
I couldn’t get the conversation with Forest out of my head.
I thought we were making progress. He was finally opening up to me, and bam, I was called a friend.
I could have been called a lot worse, but a friend fucking hurt.
It was delusional of me to think we could be anything else. No matter how many times someone told me Forest watched me or how he looked at me differently, or how many times I saw him blush, I was nothing more than a friend to him.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he cared about me. That much was obvious. But it was a friendship he wanted and nothing more. Fine. Message received.
My head got it, but my heart was still beating its sad song, wishing it was a different conversation we’d had.
I was in my secret poison closet. There wasn’t an assignment for me today.
No one to guard. Nowhere for me to go. So it was inventory time.
I had a lot of vials in here, some bigger than others.
Just because some were tiny didn’t mean they weren’t as deadly.
Or maybe it was that I used the super deadly stuff more often, so I needed it in bulk. No one would ever know but me.
My phone vibrated on the shelf. Colleen’s name flashed on the screen. Since I was busy using my hands to put my pretty bottles in order to make a list of what I needed more of, I answered it and put it on speaker.
“Morning,” I greeted.
“What did he say to you?”
“Who?”
“You know damn well who. Don’t play with me, Shel. I know you’re not your usual self, and by that I mean you’re frowning more.” I shouldn’t be surprised. Oleander’s mom had a freakish connection to me, even though I wasn’t her son by blood.
“Why do you ask when you know the answer?”
“I can’t see it all. Don’t be ridiculous.”
I rolled my eyes. She couldn’t see me. Then again, maybe she could. “I’m not sure what to say. The man I’m interested in called me a friend.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. Good times.” I made a note on a piece of paper with an item I needed to reorder. I blamed Jordan for making deals with assholes. If he didn’t, I’d have more of this. At least he funded my hobby. This shit was expensive.
“Are you certain he meant it?”
I paused and stared at the phone. “Elaborate.”
“I didn’t see anything, if that’s what you’re getting at. Honestly, sometimes you think I’m crazy, and other times you want my information. Make up your mind.”
“I’d still like you to elaborate.”
“What if he’s afraid? He could have been worried about opening himself up for fear of rejection.”
“He’s never been interested in men before.”
“You love to make your life difficult, don’t you?”
“Gotta keep it interesting. After all, I need a reason to prowl the halls, as some say.”
“You don’t prowl. Celeste does. Anyway, I don’t think you should give up. It’s obvious he means something to you. You’re not a quitter.”
I sighed and took a seat on the floor. I had the round cushion I sat on to meditate. It wasn’t odd that I enjoyed doing so. Look at who I was on the phone with. What was out of the norm was I did so in a room full of deadly liquids. To each their own and all that.
“I’m not sure what to do,” I told her. “Just when I think I’m making progress, he calls me a friend.”
“What did you do after he said it?”
“I put distance between us and told him he should go to bed.”
“How do you think that made him feel? He’d just called you his friend, and you acted like you wanted nothing to do with him.”
“Fuck.”
“Mmhmm. You can’t get to know someone better, to have them trust you, when you put up walls and shield yourself from them.”
Now that I thought about it, I had to have hurt him by doing what I did. I acted like the word scared me off, without him understanding the reason why; it probably appeared as if I didn’t even want to be that to him.
Just when I felt like I was climbing out of that pit, my foot slipped and I was dragged in deeper. Not a pit of depression. Been there, done that. I wasn’t depressed. I was tired of warring with myself. Push and pull daily.
“I need to talk to him.”
A chuckle came over the phone. “That would help.”
“Is there anything else I should know?” According to her, she couldn’t see the future, but she did see me sometimes in it. I could change it, apparently. Every one of my actions could alter my path.
“You should meditate more. Your guides would love to speak to you.”
“Uh huh. I have enough to deal with in therapy. I don’t need to add spirit guides to the equation.”
“With the right therapist, they’d understand.”
“Shel?” Oleander called into my apartment. I hadn’t heard the door open. The conversation with Colleen sucked me in. I should have been paying better attention to my surroundings.
“In here.”
Oleander rounded the corner and saw me on the floor on the meditation pillow. Then he noticed the phone. “Morning, Mom.”
“Ollie, good morning. Did you sleep well?”
“Always.” He could sleep through almost anything. It was good for him, so he was rested. It was bad for those of us who worked for Jordan when we needed him. I’d woken Oleander up more times than I could count.
“You two take care of each other. Watch your backs.”
“Will do.”
“Meditate, Sheldon.”
“Yup,” I replied.
Oleander hit the button to end the call. “What happened to make her call?” This was the first time I’d seen my best friend since I’d parted ways with Forest. “You know, outside of the snake incident?” He couldn’t keep the corners of his lips from lifting.
“Is that what we’re calling it now?” I wouldn’t live this down for a long time. The guards in the building had excellent memories. Given how I was one of them and remembered what happened to them, it was only fair for them to dish it back to me.
“You ran from a snake. What did you think would happen?”
“It wasn’t my best moment.”
He crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway, a smile teasing his lips. “I tried to get Barry to show me the video.”
I couldn’t help but return his smile. “That doesn’t surprise me.”
“He wouldn’t let anyone see it, but you know he’s watched it.”
“I would if I were him.”
“Back to Mom.”
I folded my legs into easy pose—yes, I knew yoga—and closed my eyes. There was no way to meditate with Oleander here, unless he was doing it along with me.
“Okay, so we’re doing this instead,” he said.
Cracking open one eye, I saw him drag a pillow from where I’d tucked it against the wall. This wasn’t the first time we’d meditated together. Colleen was determined to keep us grounded, so she taught us a lot. At the time, I was bored out of my mind. Who would want to sit and meditate as a kid?
She didn’t push us further than we were willing to go. Meditation should be a pleasant experience.
Oleander opened his phone and pulled up what I knew would be a recording Colleen had done for us.
Who needed an app when we had her? She went above and beyond in everything, not because she felt the need to prove herself or force her beliefs on us.
She wanted us to become the best versions of ourselves.
I couldn’t fault her for that. It was more than my family ever did for me.
When I was lost, scared, or wondering what the next day would bring, I’d thought of the family I had down the street.
No, I didn’t tell Colleen and Davis what happened when I was young.
It wasn’t until after I had moved out that I confessed what I’d been through.
They held me as I cried, wiped my tears when I could breathe again, and told me their door was always open.
The day they sold that house, they said the same of the new one. Their home was mine.
People would look at my past and pity me. Sure, I pitied myself too. No child should have to go through what I had. But in that darkness, in those awful nights, Oleander had been my light. Later, his parents joined him. They made me feel warm, welcome, and like I belonged.
“What do you want to listen to?” he asked. “There’s the subliminal, guided meditation, soft music, bells… You know the drill. The list is never-ending.”
“The one where she talks about courage and being who we’re meant to be.”
“That’s a good one.”
We’d played it numerous times before. If we knew Jordan was getting into some heavy shit, where our lives would be on the line, the meditation could get us in the right headspace.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t always time to meditate.
When there was, Oleander and I would sit and relax while we listened to his mom’s voice lift us up.
He hit play, and I let go. I didn’t think about Forest and what he’d said to me. Jordan and what the next job would bring were in the distance. This was about me reminding myself who I was. If more people meditated and discovered the peace that was within them, the world might be a better place.
Neither of us spoke as we each were in our spaces, our minds drifting to where they would, our heart rates slowing as we let her words sink in. She’d known I needed this.
As it came to an end fifteen minutes later, I opened my eyes to find Oleander watching me with a soft smile.
“Better?” he asked.
“I won’t ever be able to repay you for all you’ve done for me, or your parents.”
“Shel, you don’t realize it, but you do a lot for us too. Just being in your presence is enough.”
“It’s because I’m so pleasant to be around, isn’t it? My charming personality is irresistible.”
“And you’re back. That was sweet for ten seconds.”
Grinning, I said, “I wouldn’t want to get a reputation as being soft like Jordan claims he is. I have to keep everyone scared of me.”
“Except me.”
“Never you.”
Maybe in another life, Oleander and I could have been in a romantic relationship.
In this one, we’d tried it once, and it was awful; I almost lost my best friend.
We decided never to do that again because what we had wasn’t replaceable.
Not everyone got a friend like we did. That was years ago.
I had zero attraction to him now. Apparently, I had my eye on a man who considered me a friend and may have been hurt because I backed away from him.
Usually, I was on my game. I had to be working for Jordan. With Forest, I could hardly keep it together.