Chapter 8 #3
“Yep. First, but not last. I was pretty good at falling in and out of love in my early twenties, but looking back now, I think it was safer to say I was falling in and out of lust,” he added with a shameless wink.
She laughed. “Wait. Are you saying you haven’t had a serious girlfriend since high school?”
Theo shrugged. “I’ve done a fair bit of dating, and there were a few women I might have considered girlfriends, though none of the relationships were serious. No discussions of moving in together or rings or stuff like that.”
“Is that something you want?”
“Marriage?” Theo asked, as if surprised by her question. “Hell yeah. I definitely want to settle down and have a family.”
Gretchen wasn’t sure why that answer pleased her so much. It wasn’t like she could toss her name into that hat.
Boss. Job.
She repeated those reasons again, wishing Theo wasn’t so hot. And nice. And such a good dancer.
“What about you? Any hot-and-heavy relationships in your past?”
It felt as if Theo had dumped a bucket of ice water over her head. She’d surprised herself following the Fall Harvest Festival fair by opening up to Theo about her dysfunctional family. And while she hadn’t shared all of it, she’d certainly given him a pretty good peek at her upbringing.
However, that was as much as she was comfortable talking about.
The idea of speaking Briggs’s name aloud to Theo made her stomach hurt.
He was a part of her past she wasn’t proud of, that she was truly ashamed of, actually.
And while she was trying to reframe those emotions, she hadn’t succeeded yet.
She liked the way Theo looked at her. He didn’t see a weak, spineless victim. Instead, he saw a strong, confident woman.
She preferred that. Needed it.
Because she found herself becoming the woman he saw.
She couldn’t lose that.
Not yet.
She shook her head, aware she’d let too much silence follow his question. “I haven’t dated much.”
It wasn’t a lie. With the exception of Briggs, she hadn’t dated at all.
“Well,” she said, turning away from him. “I guess everything is in good shape here. I should head back to the office. I have a few emails I need to respond to, and Everett wants to show me some graphics he’s been working on for the event barn.”
She heard Theo’s soft sigh, and she felt the slightest twinge of guilt for shutting down their conversation.
Gretchen paused when he placed his hand on her shoulder, glancing back at him.
“Maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to tell me all your secrets.”
“Some secrets are best left unspoken.”
She shouldn’t have said that—because it was clear from his expression it only sparked his curiosity. His brows furrowed, but before he could reply, a loud crash of thunder pierced the quiet.
“Shit!” Gretchen jerked in surprise, even though she knew the weather forecast had been calling for afternoon thunderstorms.
She shivered, her heart suddenly racing. So when Theo opened his arms wide, Gretchen moved toward him before she could think better of her actions.
The thunder had sounded too much like the slamming of her front door in Harrisburg, which was always a precursor to pain.
Gretchen looped her arms around his back, resting her cheek on his chest. Hugs hadn’t been a common occurrence in her life, so it was impossible to resist whenever Theo offered one.
Apparently he—and his family—were big huggers, because she couldn’t recall a day in the past few weeks where she hadn’t gotten at least a couple.
Theo wrapped his arms around her, tucking her close. “Hey. It’s okay. Just a little storm.”
She tried to pull herself together, but then there was a bright flash of lightning and another boom of thunder.
She closed her eyes, hating that she was letting the storm trigger her.
Theo ran his hands up and down her back, murmuring comforting words.
“I don’t like storms.”
Theo tightened his hold, letting her remain there, safe in his arms for a full ten minutes.
When her racing heart finally slowed, she lifted her head from his chest.
At the same moment, Theo looked down at her, their faces only an inch or so apart.
Gretchen wasn’t sure who moved first.
One second, they were staring at each other…the next, Theo’s lips were on hers.
One of his hands rose, cupping the back of her head. It was a gentle touch, but damn if it didn’t pack one hell of a punch. With that one hand and the slow, soft glide of his lips over hers, she felt cherished and safe, two things that had been painfully scarce in her lifetime.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, running her fingers through his thick hair as he upped the ante on the kiss, his lips parting, his tongue stroking her lower lip. She opened for him, drinking in his sweet breath.
With one arm still wrapped around her back, Theo pulled her body tighter against his, and she felt his hardness against her stomach. Desire warred with common sense, and she didn’t have a clue which was going to come out on top.
She’d just finished telling herself this couldn’t happen, but when another roar of thunder pierced the silence, she pushed even closer, her kisses becoming hungrier, harder.
Theo closed his fingers around her hair, using that grip to tilt her head, his lips firmer as he gave Gretchen her first taste of true passion.
She lost all sense of place and time, but she didn’t care. She didn’t want this to end. Because she knew the second they parted, her brain would engage, and she’d have to walk away from him.
Theo must have realized that as well, because he showed no signs of stopping. She trembled with arousal when he hummed, low and deep, as overwhelmed by this kiss as Gretchen.
Finally, years later, the need to breathe forced them to part.
Gretchen lowered her gaze, overwhelmed by him.
“Look at me,” he demanded.
She raised her eyes, her face flushed from the heat of the kiss and now the aftermath. What the hell was she supposed to say?
Every bit of discomfort vanished the moment she saw Theo’s handsome face, his kind eyes, his sweet grin.
When he cupped her cheek with one large hand, she melted because…fuck. Everything he did was Romance Hero 101 stuff, and she couldn’t resist.
Theo drew his thumb over her lower lip, which felt puffy following those hot-and-heavy kisses.
“I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you.”
Gretchen blinked, trying to decide if he’d really said that or if she was hallucinating due to the lack of air after that twenty-minute kiss.
“I…” she started, clearing her throat. She could either be honest and tell him she’d wanted the same thing—because she had—or she could start to do damage control. “I’m not sure that was a smart thing to do.”
She held her breath, afraid Theo would get angry. But instead, his grin morphed into a full-fledged smile, and he even chuckled.
“Gretchen, I can assure you, that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
She shook her head. “Theo.” Time to dig herself out of this hole.
“No,” he said, her tone clueing him in to what was coming next. “You don’t need to say any of that.”
“That?”
“You know what,” he replied.
“I think I do need to say it.”
Theo pressed his forehead against hers. At some point, his hands had found their way to her waist. “You don’t,” he reasserted. “I know all the reasons why you think what we did was a mistake.”
“You do?”
“I’m your boss. You need this job. You don’t want to screw things up.”
Her shoulders relaxed, grateful he’d said the words she didn’t have the strength to say. “Then you agree what we just did…” Flames licked her cheeks. Her experience with kissing and men was limited to one man, an asshole, so she was floundering. “It can’t happen again.”
Theo’s hands tightened on her waist, pulling her lower body against his. She could still feel his erection, pressing against the front of his jeans.
“No. I don’t agree with that at all,” he said. “But that’s because I know something you don’t.”
Gretchen tilted her head. “What’s that?”
“You’re mine.”
She blinked a few times, now convinced that none of this was real. Maybe she’d passed out from a lack of air. Or maybe Theo wasn’t here at all, and she was actually in her bed at Edith’s having one hell of an awesome dream.
Gretchen reached out, pressing her hands against his chest. He was muscular, his body firm from hard physical labor on the farm, and she was overcome by the desire to see him with his shirt off. She had a feeling he was ripped. However, that touch let her know just how real this was.
“Yours?” she whispered, that assertion equal parts amazing and terrifying. She couldn’t be his, and not just for the reasons he’d already listed. She wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship with anyone right now. Briggs had broken her, and she was only starting to put herself back together.
If she was a stronger person, she’d explain that to Theo, but the words shriveled inside her.
“Mine,” Theo repeated, backing his declaration with a soft kiss.
Gretchen told herself it was time to put a stop to this, but her traitorous lips had their own opinion, welcoming his tongue back into her mouth.
He was only the second man she’d ever kissed, and he had set the bar so high, no other man could ever surpass it.
When Theo broke the kiss, she sighed heavily.
“I can’t be yours.” She hated how thin her voice sounded. Saying those words cost her something, because all the common sense in the world couldn’t convince her heart not to wish she could belong to him.
Theo lightly wrapped his hand around the back of her neck, prepared to pull her back into their kiss, but the touch…
Her breath seized and her heart raced as she flashed back to Briggs’s hands around her throat, choking her, withholding all air until she nearly passed out.
Every time he did it, she was certain that would be the day she died, but he never let it go that far, always releasing her to slump to the ground, gasping and coughing.
On the darkest day of her life, she’d wished he would go all the way, let her find peace in death.
The day after that horrible event was the day Brenda saw the bruises and knew the truth. Her questions, and the way she’d held Gretchen as she sobbed, had pulled her from those dangerous, dark thoughts and sparked the tiniest hope that there might be a way out.
Gretchen shoved Theo’s arm away, stepping back, trying not to let him see her sudden panic. Given the way his smile faded, his eyes narrowing with concern, it was safe to say she’d failed.
“I can’t…” she started, struggling to finish her thought.
Can’t kiss you.
Can’t be yours.
Can’t be anyone’s.
The last thought hurt. A lot.
Pain mingled with the growing panic attack.
She hadn’t had one since the night she’d come clean to Edith about her past. Foolishly, she believed that talking to Edith had somehow chased them away for good. She should have known better.
She drew in a breath, but it was too short, too shallow, no air penetrating her lungs.
Fuck.
She took another step away from him, then another, fully prepared to race all the way down this mountain to keep him from seeing her fall apart, thunderstorm be damned.
Theo held his hands up in surrender. “Stop, Gretchen.”
Her feet listened, even though the rest of her screamed, Run!
“Take a breath, kitten.”
Kitten?
The term of endearment caught her off guard, distracted her enough that she was able to draw in a deeper breath.
“Good girl,” Theo praised her. “Now, take another.”
Good girl distracted her even more.
She was a sucker for romance novels with strong men, who whispered sweet, sexy words in the heroine’s ear.
She’d learned through those books that she had a praise kink, as those sex scenes were the ones that pushed all her hot buttons.
She supposed it made sense, considering kindness hadn’t played much of a role in her past. She soaked in his proud tone like she was dying of thirst, and he was a tall glass of ice-cold water.
He kept encouraging her to breathe until she felt the weight on her chest ease and the panic pass.
Once she was more in control, she remained in the middle of the room, feeling like the world’s biggest fool.
Satisfied she was no longer a flight risk, Theo walked past her, returning with two of the new chairs she’d inventoried.
“Sit down, kitten.”
She dropped heavily into the chair. Then he put his in front of her and sat as well. He kept a few feet between them, something she hated as much as she was grateful for.
“Sorry,” she murmured.
“For what?”
Gretchen shrugged. How could she explain the leap she’d taken from kissing him to nearly having a panic attack?
She felt Theo studying her face, but she wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eye.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he said at last. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you .”
That comment had her gaze rising.
“The problem is,” he said, a soft smile curving his lips. “I’m not sorry for kissing you.”
Gretchen wasn’t sure why, but that confession pleased her. Despite all the shit floating around inside her, she liked knowing he enjoyed the kiss as much as she did.
Regardless…
“We can’t kiss again.”
Theo rubbed his jaw, drawing her attention to his beard. Her lips tingled. She probably had a bit of beard burn around her mouth, something she’d have to hide from Eagle Eyes Edith, or she’d be subjected to a major inquisition.
“You’re right, and we won’t kiss again,” Theo said, his words crushing her…until he added, “today.”
She huffed out a breathy laugh, trying to sound annoyed but failing miserably.
Theo took her hand in his. “Tell me what triggered that attack.”
“Theo.”
“Tell me what. I need to know. You don’t have to say anything more than that.”
She bit her lower lip, then gave him what he asked for. “Your hand wrapped around my neck.”
Theo winced. “I’ll never touch you that way again. I promise.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, hating that she was still so broken.
“We’re going to stick a pin in the rest of this for now, because I think you need time to consider what I said.”
“Okay.” Gretchen did need time to wrap her head around him boldly proclaiming she was his. The last time a man said he wanted her…
She shoved that thought aside. She needed to stop comparing Theo to Briggs. If she continued down that path, she’d never be able to trust any relationship. Loneliness had played too big a role in her past. She would not let it take over her future as well.
“Well, look at that.” Theo pointed behind her. She turned, looking outside through the open barn doors. “A rainbow.”
She hadn’t even realized the storm had passed. She smiled at the beauty of the colorful arc, painted across the now-blue sky.
“Feels like a good omen, doesn’t it?” Theo asked.
Looking back at him, she nodded.
Because it did.